skies so blue

all i can think about right now is you saying that in your heart, you are already married to me. truth is, in my heart, im already married to you too. ive been married to you since the day we crossed collective hearts. you mean more to me than you could ever know and more than i could ever say in words, pictures, or gestures. i know ive told you that so many times before. i also know that a majority of the things i say ive said a million times before. you already know how i feel. but i just cant help but feel that they are worth saying over and over again. i could never get sick of telling you how much i love you.

you are my everything. my whole world. my clarity when the world around me is in a haze. you have gotten me through so many hard times and i cant thank you enough for that. i admire you so much. practically every aspect of you is pure beauty to me. even your flaws.

you have my heart. from now until the end of time, i am yours.

i couldnt be more happy that i found y0u and that we found love together. i couldnt be more happy that you are mine and i am yours. i could never ask for more. you love me like no other man could.

you are my soul mate

i love you

the all-american rejects "fallin' apart"

Can somebody save me?
Cus I’m thinking maybe
That you can take me piece by piece
And you got your reasons
But I didn’t need them
And either way I’m on my knees
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawlin
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

You say that you’re leaving
Say that you don’t need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can’t make it through it
But I’m gonna try this anyway

You knew when I was wrong
You knew that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah looks like were falling apart

Well in your garden where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When that bodies close to me
I can give you anything you’d ever need

When I fall to the floor
Cus I can’t feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don’t have to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Wherever you are

Yeah wherever you are
Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breakin my heart
Wherever you go im crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

Wherever you go I’m crawling
Down on my knees forever
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah I guess we’re falling apart
Looks like were fallin apart
Yeah I guess we're fallin apart

i'm the type of person to take it personal

thanks to breathe carolina for the title.
i am at a complete loss as to what i am supposed to do right now. you chose to come back to me. you said that you missed me and you wanted to be with me. yet, things have only been worse since you got back. you said that you were willing to change and to work at things. you've done to complete opposite. you won't even give me the time of day to have a decent conversation with you. i have no idea what is going on in your life right now even though i've tried to ask you. you've made no attempt to find out what is going on in my life.
once again, i had to beg you to give a shit about me the other night. once again, you couldn't respect me when something you wanted was making me uncomfortable. once again, you're ignoring my texts and my calls for no reason at all. you're just choosing to not respond. its pathetic. i tell you that i don't understand why you came back because the way that you treat me is terrible. i say that i deserve better. you say you know. i say that you better start treating me like i actually matter. you say okay. you don't want me to doubt you. but when we've had this conversation a million times, when i have to beg you to treat me decently, then how am i supposed to believe that you mean what you say?
i swear, sometimes it feels like you're trying to make me leave you. i'm beginning to wonder if that is your plan. you're doing all of these things to hurt me just so you can push me away. it may seem ridiculous, but hell, with the way that you have been acting, it's hard to believe that you want to be with me at all. it is impossible to believe that you care about me in any way shape or form.
you said that you came back because you love me. so why don't you fucking act like it? if this is how you show love then you're the worst person on the planet. i've done so much for you. i've changed. i've given you so much. yet, you can't even talk to me much less be there when i need you.
i don't know how many more chances i should give you. i told you last night i was giving up and all you said was don't. so you won't let me give up and you won't give me any reason to stay.
how many more chances should i give you? i want to be with you more than anything. i love you like hell. i care about you. i want to be there for you. i want to be a part of your life. but i can't keep letting you treat me like this. no matter how many times you say you love me. actions speak louder than words.
so either show me that you love me and you care, start backing up all the shit that you say, and treat me like i deserve to be treated, or will leave and i will be gone forever. i don't deserve this. i didn't do anything wrong. i gave you everything and you give me nothing in return.
love it or leave it.

gonna get better

i dont know what im supposed to do when im home alone, no one will text me back, im bawling my eyes out, and i need you so badly....
i know you said you wanted to take a break. and i know i said i would understand. i tried. but the truth is we are two different people in that sense. i dont understand. i dont get how you can go days, weeks without talking to me. i dont get how you say you need me then you want to not talk to me. god, its been really really hard. i know you said you wanted a break so you could have time to think. but when im like this, i have no one else, and youre the only one who would really understand me when im upset like this, i dont know what to do....
i know its a break, but its so hard not knowing what youre thinking and feeling. i get so scared, i get so paranoid. i let me fears get to my head. i dont think you understand how much a simple text from you saying "i love you" or "i miss you" would help. it would make everything better for me. im trying to do this for you. you know how hard this is for me. so i wish you would do something for me. i dont know....
i just really really really wish i could hear you say that you still love me and that you still want to be with me and that you miss me and all of those other things. i want to hear them. when im so eager to get back with you and im feeling so passionate about our relationship, i need to know that you are feeling the same. i need to know how you are feeling in general...
its so hard in times like this when i need you so badly and i dont have you....you really are the only person who could comfort me in a situation like this. just hearing you say that you wish you could be cuddling with me or that you love me, just hearing you call me baby and saying all the things you do to me, it would make this all better. it really would.
i hope you come back soon....
im not sure how much more of this i can take...
its tearing me apart....
i need you so badly...
i so badly want to prove to you that we can be happy...
i so badly want to tell you about all of the things ive been going through lately...
i want to tell you all of my promises
that i promise i will never again doubt you when you say that you love me or care about me or need me
i promise i will never again try to leave this earth before it is my time
i will never again intentionally hurt myself in any way
i will never again EVER blame it on you
i promise that i will do my best to trust you
i promise i will work through the things that happened in my past
i promise i will work through my insecurities
its not fair that you showed me all of this love and i doubted you. its not fair to you that i wouldnt trust you. despite the things that you did to justify my lack of trust, i know you are sorry for what you did. its not fair to you that i would not accept your apologies.
i promise i will never again say it is too late for you to apologize
i will never again doubt you when you say that you are sorry
and i promise, i am so sorry for this, i will never again solely depend on you for help. i will never again get mad at you or make you feel bad when you cant help me or when you dont know what to do.
and i promise i will never again blame everything on you.
im going to get help. im ready to change. i know you fell in love with who i am and the only thing getting in the way with that is my problems. well, ive already made so much progress. ive already realized all that i have done wrong. im already trying to change things.
i would do anything to keep from losing you like this. our time isnt over. this is our perfect opportunity to really be happy. this is the perfect time for us to really love each other with nothing but the distance holding us back. and i refuse to let distance be the only thing that keeps us from dating. because with my issues and your issues aside and us being happy together without the arguing, the distance wont be a problem. i refuse to let you go before weve given our relationship the chance it deserves.
i need you now more than ever to be there with me as i take this huge step in my life. im ready to let go of the past. im ready to shed the shell that i have depended on for so long. im going to get rid of my armor and my wall that ive been building up. im going to stop fighting your love. im going to accept it and im going to give you all of the love, the caring, the support, the consideration, and the trust you deserve. i just need to know that you feel the same. one little "i love you" would go so far...
i hope you come back soon...

life is a perception of your own reality

i couldnt think of any title that really suited what i wanted to say here so i just picked something that sounded cool. it may or may not work. i really dont care.
so me and josh, or joshy as i call him, have finally gotten a chance to get to know each other outside of our problems. i enjoy him now. hes into pretty decent music. pretty open to what other people like as far as music goes. he is pretty fun to talk to when he isnt upset. he has the same cute and quirky personality traits that i have. it makes me smile. we have a lot in common. its been nice having someone who can understand the way that i feel. but i need to get some friends that are girls. guys just seem easier to talk to. however, i am not one of the guys. i am a girl. i need girly friends. hell, im going to an all girls college. i neeeeed female friends.
the rest of october is rather eventful for me. this friday, monday, and tuesday we will be dissecting lil pig fetuses. not excited. i have that class right after lunch. i might throw up. or cry. or both. next tuesday i start counseling. im scared. so so so scared. next wednesday is the say anything concert. i so badly wish i could have you to share that experience with me. next thursday and friday we have off of school which im greatly happy about. next saturday is a hockey game. then, its halloween. im not sure im really that excited about any of these things. i just cant get over the fact that i would enjoy these things a lot more if you were here.
i have a lovely second degree burn on the back of my hand and it is annoying me so much. its going to leave the worst scar. it looks terrible.
silly ashley fact number one: when i go out to eat, i eat just enough so there isnt enough food to take home for leftovers. i hate taking home food from restaurants.
silly ashley fact number two: i occasionally snort when i laugh. especially when i am laying down.
i have the beginning episodes of the second season of true blood sitting on top of my tv. i wish i could find time to watch them. i dont feel like i have much time for anything these days.
i fall asleep with frankie in my arms every night lately. ive gotten over the fact that his horn occasionally pokes me in the eye. he is a really good cuddle buddy =] and i still listen to your mix cd quite often. ive finally gotten to the point where im not as sad when i think about you. im more on the happy side. p.s. the rocket summer is amazing. i found out that bryce avary has been married for five years to his long time high school girlfriend. i was both bummed and enlightened at the same time. all of his songs relate to real life issues. these are things that he has been through. he made it through all of the rough times and fights and break ups with his sweetie, tara. now, they are happily married and the cutest couple in the universe. damn that bitch for being so pretty and perfect. i totally bought a the rocket summer tshirt from her at warped tour. anywho, it gave me hope in a way. clearly, we arent the only people who experience these things. i wish you could hear every song and get out of them what i do. they really do speak to the way that we feel and a lot of the things that we go through.
im forgetting everything that i wanted to talk about again.
teenhelp.org is set up the exact same way that the flashflashrevolution forum stuff is set up. it annoys me to no end. sometimes, i forget what website i am on. i dont like those sort of things.
i cant help but be impatient for us getting back together. im not going to rush you. i just cant wait to be happy with you again. honestly, i think you will be pleasantly surprised. im already feeling better about things. im already realizing where ive gone wrong and where i need to make improvements. im open to the new life that is ahead of me. im finally ready to live without my insecurities and problems holding me back. im not going to change right away though. im still going to slip up right away. im not sure if i can fully explain how this feels. the fact that im ready to move on and finally start living and being happy, it feels good. i think youll be happy. i hope you will be. i hope you will move on from the past like im trying to do. i hope you will try to make improvements like i am doing. i really do think we have good things in our future. i cant wait to start again with you.
i miss you. i need you. i love you.

the rocket summer "goodbye waves and driveways"

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

And don’t walk away...

brand new

i love how i had everything planned out that i wanted to say but now that i actually get on here i have no clue where to start...
so i finally opened up to my mom last night. it wasnt pretty. i finally got her to accept the fact that yes im bipolar and yes i need to see someone for it. i finally got her to be somewhat supportive and understanding of me. she finally set up a counseling appointment for me. im scared shitless. i was so open to it last night but now that its actually going to happen im scared and i wish you were here to be my support...its hard going through all of these things and not having you here. but i guess thats my own fault. every keeps telling me not to blame myself but i cant help it.
last friday i joined this website called teenhelp.org. to write love on her arms recommended it. its okay i guess. you can talk to other teens and get advice from the staff. i met this boy named josh who lives in massachusetts. he also has a long distance girlfriend so we could relate a lot. however, he only likes to talk about his problems and he never gives me time to talk about mine. i want someone who i can talk with. i dont want to add even more stress and worry to my life. so i guess that kind of sucks mega dick.
but one of the staff on there had a lot of helpful things to say when i talked to her about you. she helped me realize where i was going wrong. but she also told me that not all of it is my fault. i guess i already knew that. im going to try my hardest once this break is over but i need you to do that too. thats something that i cant stop worrying about. im so afraid that once we get back together im going to give it my all but you arent. im not trying to say that you wont try. im just worried that youll be too mad at me to try or that you wont love me anymore when you come back. i just wish i could stop worrying. but i cant. the truth is, im obnoxiously insecure. i need a lot of reassurance. one thing that ive realized, is that ive fucked up a whole lot by doubting you when you say that you care about me and that you need me. i dont know, in my opinion, you show youre caring in different ways that i do. besides, actions really do speak louder than words and i know that if we were together in person then you would have no problem showing how much you care about me. if we were in person, my insecurities would be easier to deal with. but i dont want you to give up on this long distance thing. i realize that a lot of my insecurities and mood problems have been the cause of numerous arguments. but another one of our problems is that we dont know how to talk things over. so im promising you, im going to work on things. ive already been working on things. im going to get help for it. in return, i want you to promise that we will work on our communication. it hurts me that you wouldnt tell me when something was bothering you. thats where you messed up. it hurts me that we are so bad at talking things over. not every argument needs to blow up like that. thats where we have both messed up. i really want you to promise that you will understand what i am going through. i need your understanding. because i cant change on my own. sometimes, im going to need you there to calmly and patiently tell me when you feel like ive messed up. and when i feel like youve messed up, i want to be able to tell you how im feeling without you getting angry. a majority of the time, its just bad communication so we just need to calmly talk things over.
im going to try to change. i promise you that. im already feeling better about this. so i just need you to promise that you will try with me. promise me that you wont give up. promise me that you wont let arguments ruin everything. every couple argues. everyone has told me that. every couple has disagreements. and with long distance it is more common. all we need to do, is work through it. we need to calmly talk about things. so please, please, please, dont give up every time we have an argument. i want to be with you. i need you in my life. you are the only one i love. and youve told me that you feel the same way. so lets make this time better. lets really try this time. im not trying to judge you, but i just feel like youre letting all of this stress get in the way of things. i do that too. i understand that we need our space. its healthy. yet at the same time, i want you to make time for me. dont neglect me. we still have things to talk about as far as you telling me when youre busy and prom. we need to take time to really talk about those things over the phone. im going to try harder to hear you when youre telling me how you feel. im going to try harder to not let my emotions get the best of me. but only if you promise to do the same.
ive made the decision to find a way to get advice about things. long distance relationships are hard. with all of the stress in our lives i think we both need advice every once in a while to understand how we should handle things. we cant do couples counseling when we live hours away. so please, all im asking of you is to try as hard as i am.
i want your support more than anything. i hope you realize how much courage this took for me to make this step. i guess in a way, you leaving for a break was just the push i needed. i needed something to make me realize that i was off the tracks and i was letting my problems ruin my life. but when you come back, i need your support. i realize that this hurts you too. im not sure if this staff member was right, but when im hurting and going through stress and im confused, youre just as hurt and afraid as i am. it was ridiculous of me to rely on you to help me with all of my problems. i still want to be able to talk about things with you but you wont always know what to say. however, the more you understand about what im going through, the easier it will be for you to deal with. i guess its similar to living with an addict. their problem becomes everyones problem. im not putting my problems on you, im just saying that if youre going to be in a relationship with me then youre going to end up dealing with it in some way. its inevitable.
i just need you to promise me that youre going to try. i need to know for sure that you want this. i hate seeing you annoyed and angry at me. it hurts. so i understand that i need to give you space no matter how hard it may be for me. i want all of your bad feelings to be gone by the time you come back.
when i think about you, i only think about good times. and i know because youve told me that you are stuck on the bad things. you are stuck on all the arguments and fights and stuff. weve both made mistakes. but ive forgiven you for yours. so please, im begging you, forgive me for my mistakes and know that i am going to get help so those mistakes dont happen in the future. everyone makes mistakes though, and when you love somebody you need to forgive them and let the bad things go. as my english teacher said, sometimes when you love someone so much and you want to be with them, you overlook the bad. its what you need to do. i love you for who you are. flaws and all.
i need you in my life. so pretty please, promise me that you will try....

next wednesday is the say anything concert. i dont even want to go anymore. i wanted to share this experience with you so badly but i doubt that that is going to happen....without you, i dont even want the experience. its only going to be a bad one if im not talking to you. but its my fault i guess.....

i miss you so much. going through all of this without you has been hell. you never realize what you have until it is gone. i never realized how much i needed you until you were gone. but im going to fix my problems. and once i do, the girl that you fell in love with will shine through. it will be like old times when we never argued. it will be like all of the times when we are happy. i want to be happy with you. you and i both know what it is like when we are happy and we arent worrying about anything. i dont know about you, but those days when we are laughing and talking and nothing is wrong, those days are perfect. those days are what i crave. i want that for our future.
i just wish i knew what you were thinking right now. thats the other thing that makes this so hard. im not sure what you are thinking or feeling....
i just need you here. i miss you.

hangman

my lack of motivation is killing me these days. there are a million things that i long to do but i don't have the strength or effort to make these things happen. school feels like shit every day. it's not something that i care about at all anymore. it's just something that i have to do. i don't even care about getting good grades. i only care about not getting bad ones so i can avoid getting my ass handed to me by my mother. i finally got my license a few weeks ago but i don't even care about that. driving by yourself is lonely. i still don't have a car. i'm a terrible driver. i just don't feel like it's changed my life at all in any significant way.
it feels like nothing is a challenge to me anymore. when something is a challenge, i just do a half ass job of getting through it. instead of actually trying in school, i've just found a way to bullshit through and still make the same good grades as before. the thing that bothers me the most is that i know that i won't get anything out of life if i keep doing this. i want to care about things. i want to care about my life more. i just feel like i've prepared myself for the future so that now it's the only thing i want and i don't care about anything else besides what i've dreamed of for my future to be.
i think that if you were here everything would be different. i wouldn't worry so much. i would be more happy. i would be more active and motivated. i would care a whole lot more about everything. don't get me wrong, i've always cared about you. i never stopped caring about you. but it seems like you're all that i care about these days.
i have so many thoughts running through my head during the day but it seems like once i get on here and i actually start typing, i lose everything. i can't collect myself. i can't get composed. some days, i just feel like a complete fucking mess. i get sudden urges to cry and i can't hold back tears but at the same time, i can't find a reason for why i'm crying. i get waves of emotion, both good and bad, and i can't control them. i get sad, i get hyper, i get lethargic, i get angry. i think it's because of all the secrets i keep. i bottle it all up inside. i keep my thoughts to myself. i don't feel like i can share anything without being judged. why do people have to be so judgmental these days? i'm literally afraid to be myself because i'm afraid nobody will like. i never pretend to be someone i'm not. i just hold back everything that i am.
i am rarely able to describe what i'm thinking or feeling. if someone were to ask me who i am as a person, i would have no idea how to answer. i don't view myself as much. i only view myself how i think other people see me. i think that i'm weird, i'm a freak, i'm emo, i'm crazy. those are the things i hear the most. people don't realize that when you say something mean to someone, even as a joke, that is what they will remember forever. people rarely remember compliments or praise. it's the negative that sticks with someone for life. that is especially true with me. my level of self-worth is like negative. i don't think anyone likes me. i think that every compliment i get is a lie. i'm constantly afraid that the people i love are going to get sick of me and leave. i am so fucking afraid of messing up that i don't even let myself live.
i'm finally starting to deeply consider therapy. i know i need it. i know it's unhealthy what i am doing. but i keep coming up with excuses to not go and to not tell my mom. i know that if you were here you would give me the support i need. you would make this so much easier for me. you would help me tell my mom. you would give me a shoulder to cry on when i need it. you would be proud of me for doing this for myself and for my future.
i still sometimes think that this is all a dream. it's so easy to lose you. i'm afraid that one morning i'm going to wake up and this will all have been my imagination. i'm scared that everything we dreamed for the future won't come true. what if we never get the chance to do all the things we planned? i'm so afraid you're going to change your mind and i'm going to be left all alone. i don't know what i would do then. we've already created the rest of our lives together in our dreams. how does a person recreate and rebuild their future? i don't think i could do that. i just want solid proof that this is possible. i want to know that we can make this happen. i'm afraid that i'm going to crack and fall apart before we get a chance to make our dreams reality. i'm scared that i'm not strong enough.
i need you here with me...

the truth about heaven

first things first, i love you so much alex for telling me to listen to what to do when you're dead by armor for sleep. definitely one of the best albums i've ever heard in my life. i don't think i've ever related to something in such a way before. thank you thank you thank you.
i've been thinking a lot lately. it's nothing major. it's nothing concrete. i think i've made a few break throughs and realizations. things about forgiving people and about letting things go and loving people for their flaws. even though i've learned that all of these things are important and i need to implement them into my life, actually making these improvements is a hard thing to do. letting go of old ways is no easy task. breaking down every ounce of self preservation you've created over the years due to countless shitty experiences is near impossible. but it's what i have to do if i want anything in my life to get better. i need to stop letting the things that he did hold me back. i need to live for me. i need to be better for the people that i love. i can't keep letting things that happened in the past ruin my future. i can't keep repeating the same mistakes.
maybe you see now that i'm willing to change. maybe you somewhat see that i've been trying really hard. maybe you understand that it does take time. it's not easy. especially with all the stress. maybe you realize that i'm going to be patient with you as you try to change also. we aren't just changing for the sake of our relationship. i don't want you to think that you're just changing because i want you to. i want you to see that changes will help you in life also. instead of fighting each other when times get hard, we need to help each other. i've never been good at letting things go. i've always let the little things hurt me to no end. but i see now that i need to change that. however, i need you to realize that i can't do it without you. you know im sensitive and it helps nothing when you're so stubborn and hard headed about things. and i know that sometimes you slip up. you're not perfect. you're not always going to do the things i want you to do. i'm going to be patient. i'm going to be accepting of your mistakes. as long as things don't get out of hand, i'm not going to stress every mistake you make. only if you're willing to do the same for me.
we both have a lot of stress in our lives right now and it's having a huge effect on our relationship. i know that sometimes it's hard to want to keep going when things seem like they're never going to get better. i firmly believe that as long as we know what the problem is and we're willing to fix it, then we can make it through anything. i love you more than anything in my life right now. you are what i look forward to every day. you are what puts a smile on my face when i'm down. you're the one i would do anything for. anything. so i refuse to let you go. i refuse to let over exaggerated arguments tear us apart. you mean too much to me to let that ever happen.
this is for you
and this is for me
this is for the both of us
for eternity

what to do when you are dead

it completely blows when you think youre doing everything in your ability to make things better but its not working. it just tears my heart out. all this time, ive been thinking that ive been making improvements. but you cant see that. it hurts like hell. but i guess it goes both ways. now i get how youve been feeling. but that doesnt mean that we cant fix things. it doesnt mean that things arent going to get better. this sort of stuff just takes a while. it feels like youve lost all of your patience. its like weve switched roles. but i dont know. i dont know what to say. the point is, theres no way in hell im letting you go. not after all the promises. not after everything you and i have said. hell no.

love it or left it

i can't even express how much i dislike you right now. you are one of the most selfish people in the world. you are terrible at helping me when i need you. you never succeed in actually being there for me. you get mad at me whenever i don't want to talk about something. why can't you just respect when i'm not ready to talk about something. you have no reason to get mad about that. that's just being selfish. when i'm upset, it's not about you. it's about me. you are a complete jackass for yelling at me when i'm upset just because i don't do the things you want me to do. you're a jerk for yelling at me when i don't want to talk about something that's bothering me. you're an idiot for getting pissed when the things you say to "comfort" me don't succeed in helping me feel better. seriously, who gets mad at a person when their advice doesn't work? have i ever done that to you? have i ever yelled at you when you don't want to talk about something? i have countless examples of when you've been upset and you won't talk about what happens. have i ever gotten pissed when i'm trying to help you and you won't take my advice or when what i say doesn't help? no, i have NEVER done that. i have remained patient and i kept suggesting things and i have wished you the best even when you wouldn't listen.
this relationship is completely unfair. last night, when you were upset that you're parents constantly think their right, i asked what situation led you to say that. i asked what conversation you and your parents were having. you wouldn't tell me. you just gave me general answers. so what right do you have to get mad at me when i'm upset about something and after you saying two fucking things it doesn't help me. i didn't do anything wrong. it is not my fault that your advice didn't help make me feel better in that exact moment. it's also not my fault that you hurt me when you got pissed at me. i was completely justified in calling you a jerk, a jackass, and a dick. that is what you are when you get pissed at someone when they're upset. you are so selfish. when you try to help me, you're only thinking of yourself. you getting pissed is just fucking selfish. you calling me a bitch when i get mad at you because you clearly did something to hurt me, is one hundred percent selfish.
if you think that i owe you any form of apology for what happened last night, then you're more of a prick that i thought. i don't owe you any apology. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't do anything to cause you to get annoyed or angry at me. i was right when i called you a jerk because that's the way you were acting. i was justified in being hurt by you and being angered by what you said. you were completely fucking wrong and out of line. this is your fault and i am not going to be the one who offers that we fix it. that's your fucking job. if you don't fix it and if you don't say you're sorry for every fucking thing you did, then this is over. i am not going to put up with someone treating me like shit when i'm upset. i deserve better than that. you were wrong and i have numerous people who have seen the texts and who agree with me that you're a jackass. so if you want to sit there and make this look like it's all my fault, then you're a fucking idiot.
i hate you.

ants in my pants

well, i kind of forgot about this for a while until a sweet boy reminded me about it. i'm not quite sure what to say. i just feel as though i should say something.
school starts on wednesday. i'm having mixed feelings. my classes this year aren't going to be mega hard or anything. yet, at the same time, i really just don't want summer to end. i am excited for fall. i'm just not ready for my freedom to be taken away.
i don't think i have ever been more passionate about something before in my life. i also don't think i've ever argued with anyone so much before in my life. we've had too many ups and downs to count, but the fact that we have pulled through everything and managed to stay together must mean something. i'm sure that in a week or so these weird feelings for me will go away and we will be back to normal. i mean, you can't expect it to be normal immediately, right? i really want to change for you. i know i have a hard time controlling my emotions. i can be very hurtful, unpredictable, annoying, and so on. i really want to be better. i want to improve. i want to do it for you. i can't fix everything. i can't change who i am. but i'm willing to try to get better. i hope you can help me.
i want to fly to texas so badly. i wish i could visit you. it's hard having your best friend living miles away. maybe i could start saving up money for a plane ticket since i have a job now. maybe i could convince my mom to let me do it by myself. to be honest, she would just be a buzz kill if she came along. i just want to be able to do things with you. driving around listening to say anything and shit. watching dragon ball z. playing board games so i can kick your ass at monopoly in person. going on space adventures. watching '80s movies for me. playing video games for you. i know i can't have everything that i want. however, this i am determined to have. i want it more than anything.
there was a lot more that i wanted to say but my mind is just so blank. i went to green bay last weekend with austin. we hung out with his friend josh who hangs out with a bunch of wannabe kids. i also met his friend kaylyn. she was alright but way to self conscious. and i thought i was bad. all in all, i'm so fucking glad i don't live in green bay. it is a city full of whores and wangster "i think i'm cool but i'm not" guys.
in october, say anything, motion city soundtrack, saves the day, and valencia will be in milwaukee. i am definitely going. i wouldn't miss that for anything. except maybe a plane ticket to texas. it should be lots of fun.
i guess that's it for now. maybe school will give me something more to write about.

losing it

i dont want to live this life anymore
this life is shit
this world is the exact opposite of everything i want
all the beauty is masked by these terrible things
these people are all fucked up
all idiots

can you and i just run away?
i know we arent what we used to be
but youre the only one i can possibly imagine
enjoying the rest of my life with
in seclusion
youre the only one
who understands
exactly how im feeling
youre the only one
who possibly agrees
sure youve made your fair share of mistakes
things that i despise
but i can learn to look past that
just get me the hell out of here
take me somewhere
far far away
take me away
anywhere but here

the kids are all fucked up

what is it with people these days and their lack of morals? seriously, where has it all gone? whatever happened to abstinence and straight edge? do people have no respect for themselves these days? drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, sex. honestly, what is wrong with teenagers these days? is it really that hard to wait to have sex? are drugs and shit really necessary to be cool? do you really have to put out with your boyfriend in order to fit in these days? do you really have to shop at certain stores, like certain music, act a certain way, and do stupid shit in order to be popular? do you really have to become a complete fucking senseless idiot in order to be accepted? yeah, sure seems like it these days.
losing respect for your friends is not exactly a fun thing. hearing rumors about your friends is not exciting.
of all the high school cliches, do you really have to try and fit all of them? because it sure seems like thats what youre going for. it sure seems like youve lost every ounce of sensibility you once had.
considering the fact that a majority of people these days act that way,
a majority of high schoolers do that shit,
im glad i havent made any of those mistakes.
im glad i havent done any of that stupid shit.
im glad that i make my own choices and i make them intelligently.
im glad that i dont fit in.
the end.

i'm lost without you

so, i finally started downloading music the illegal way aka file sharing. no, i am not proud of it. yes, i feel bad for stealing music from my favorite artists. however, the reason why i did it makes me happy.
truth be told, i am lost without you. the blink 182 song says it perfectly. i've been having a lot of conflicting emotions lately. i know that you are trying to make up for all the things you have done wrong, but in the process you just are not being yourself and it makes me sad. it makes me feel like i don't know who you are anymore and it makes me feel like it's my fault.
i'm not sure what else to say right now or how to say it =/

p.s.

i think i finally fixed my comments thing so it actually says "comments" instead of "mutherfuckers talkin shit". i am glad that i no longer look like an idiot because of that. sadly, i feel too low to celebrate.

"sometimes quicksand has a massive appeal to me."
motion city soundtrack.
a lifeless ordinary (need a little help).

fuck this shit

logging onto your facebook page was a stupid idea. i love that you still have pictures of you with your ex girlfriends and a drawing that you made of one of them. thats just wonderful.
im supposed to be getting your package in the mail today but i dont even want it anymore. you have girls on facebook asking you for weed, girls calling you hun and sweetie and shit. this is just stupid.
maybe it wasnt necessarily my place to look at those things but some of them just popped up. sorry my curiosity got the best of me. but now that i see how things really are, i dont want to be a part of this anymore.
fuck this shit.
im done.

warped

oh, i completely forgot to mention warped tour which was yesterday. we took a mini van and a car because we had twelve people. i used to think jordan was a bad driver until i saw how terrible dylan peyer is. so glad i wasnt driving with him. the road trip was super fun though. it was nic e not to have any adults around for once. plust, tj always makes me giggle.
the weather this year was soooo much better. i got some nasty sunburn but so did everyone else. i saw suicide silence, bring me the horizon, the word alive, parkway drive, emmure, artist vs poet, the rocket summer, mayday parade, sum 41, we the kings, alkaline trio, pennywise, four year strong, attack attack, alesana, and glimpses of a few others. suicide silence is a million times better live than on their cds. the rocket summer was the best thing ever since this time i knew every one of the songs. bryce avery is just super talented and he puts on a great show. we saw austins cute friends from greenbay at the attack attack show which was funny because we met them at the attack attack show last year too. jordan snyder has undeniably perfect hair ^_^ haha.
i only bought one thing while we were there which was a the rocket summer tank top. its super cute so i love it. i had twenty dollars left and i really wanted to buy something else but i was being ridiculously picky for no reason. instead of searching for another shirt i should have bought a poster or a cd. i also got a lil bring me the horizon poster so i guess its okay.
even though i was completely dead afterwards and fell asleep on the car ride home, going to dennys once we got back into town was one of the best parts of the night. six dollars for a grand slam is the best deal ever. thank you dennys for being my only meal of the day at 11 pm.
the line up this year was nowhere near as awesome as last year but it was nice not having to constantly leave shows early so we could catch other ones. i actually got to see most of the full sets with exception to a few. im super excited for next year. i just need to bring more money.

well...

i can honestly say i never thought we would last this long. especially after what just happened. changing things is going to take a long time i guess. its also going to take a long time before things get better i suppose. i lose my faith and my temper from time to time and you know i have every reason and right to. sigh...i just honestly am not sure what to do or say most of the time. ive already told you how it hurts and ive already expressed all of my anger and sadness to you so i guess the only thing left to do is try and move on. i think you are finally realizing what you need to do and i think youve finally gotten it through your head about how i feel and why i feel that way.
we are such a mess.....
what i dont understand is why we are still together if neither of us are happy. i hate you for what you did and im angry and shit but i just cant bring myself to stop talking to you. it makes no sense to me. i need you even when youre the one that is hurting me the most.
i just dont know how i feel anymore. im not quite sure what else there is for me to say.

dreaming with a broken heart

yeah, in case anyone was wondering, i believe my last three post titles with exception to "i don't know" have been john mayer song titles. it's like the man knows how to sum up my life with a lil phrase. i love john mayer.
is it pathetic that i am so used to being let down that it hardly surprises me anymore? it's like i just see this shit coming. okay, so maybe i didn't see anything this big coming. i honestly thought you had been telling me the truth. i honestly thought you had changed. i honestly thought you cared. all the while i am writing this, my heart hurts but i have no more tears to shed. it's funny how the little things get me so easily but when something big happens i just push away all the emotions. yeah, it hurts like a fucking bitch. yeah, i've been having a lot of anxiety. yeah, i can't sleep at night. yeah, it's all thanks to you and the fact that you completely ripped my heart out. yeah, it's all your fault. but when it comes to crying or wanting to lie in bed all day or just giving up on life in general, i'm not doing it this time. i don't know. i think it just hurts so much that i honestly cannot deal with it. i'd rather try and forget about it rather than face it. you hurt me. a lot.
i can't figure out what the worst part of this is. the simple fact that you lied to me. maybe it's that you didn't love me enough or care about me enough to actually do the things you said you would. or it's the fact that you didn't stop to consider me for two seconds. i never crossed your mind once. it might be that you knew how much it hurt me when you did this before and you just kept on doing it behind my back for so long. possibly it's that you knew that i had trust issues. you knew how hard it was for me to break down my walls and trust you. you knew that i trusted you more than anyone else. perhaps the worst part is that i will never trust you again.....
it sucks a lot when you love somebody so much, you love them more than anybody in the world, you make and keep promises for them, you change for them, you do things you've never done before for them, you completely open yourself up to them, and they just........they just shit on you.....
you don't deserve my sadness. you don't deserve anything i do for you. you broke my heart and i won't give you another fucking tear for it. i'm done crying over all the shit you do. honestly, i was just starting to really have hope for us. i was going to do everything to make things better again. i was ready for us to last forever. everything was just starting to be perfect again. then, you dropped this bomb on me. this time, i'm not so sure i'm willing to clean up the mess. right now, all i want to do is pick myself up, clean myself off, and leave you behind to deal with all the wreckage. you created it anyways. so you deal with it.

bold as love

truth be told, some days are definitely better and today just happened to be one of those better days. the simple things will always prevail in making me happy. friends stopping by unannounced. going to buy a new cd that is outside of my comfort zone. blasting that cd while driving randomly around town with the windows rolled down. watching the best tv show ever. and even though me and you did a lot of arguing today, even though you yelled at me for an hour and a half straight, even though tears were shed, i think it was exactly what we needed. to be honest, ive never loved you so much. p.s. i love that we both love skittles. youre amazing ♥
so my mom threw a lia sophia party the other day. lots of people came and i was happy because i knew my mom would have been disappointed if it was a bad turnout. also, a lot of people ordered jewelry and a few people even booked their own lia sophia parties. this is fantastic news because that means we get a lot of free jewelry. im getting an ankle bracelet, a toe ring, and a ring. im pretty excited.
hmhmhm what else? i have officially decided that im going to warped tour along with a million other people. we are taking a mini van and a car. wow fun. i definitely plan on seeing mayday parade, the rocket summer, we the kings, and attack attack. ive already forgetten who else is going. im pretty sad that motion city soundtrack and the all-american rejects wont be at the milwaukee warped tour. that completely sucks dick. but whatever. its still going to be awesome.
having a job isnt as terrible as i thought it would be. it only sucks when in conflicts with my plans and when ive had a shit day and i just dont feel like going. otherwise its been great to finally have money to just spend on whatever.
i am obnoxiously pissed at playlist.com. it totally fucked up my blog playlist and my john mayer playlist that i made. im not sure when i will have the motivation to fix those things. i love john mayer so much. damn you, playlist.com.
i know that i really really really want to be a psychiatrist/psychologist/art therapist or whatever. ive even already picked out the college i want to go to. its an all girls catholic school in milwaukee. its pretty much perfect. but sometimes i just feel like that isnt exciting at all. i feel like its obnoxiously cliche and predictable. sometimes, i like to dream of being a make up artist or a tattoo artist. i really do like make up but for some reason i feel like i dont belong in that profession so ive held myself back from persuing it. plus, i dont think i would get support from anyone to do it. i would love to live an edgy life and be a tattoo artist. i want so many tattoos and i love artwork. but once again, i dont feel like im talented enough and i dont feel like i belong. i would definitely be happy being a psychiatrist but sometimes i like to dream. maybe i could have a side job or something. who knows.
i wonder where we will live when we get old enough to own a place together. will you want to go south or will you want to stay in the midwest. maybe you dont want to do either of those. i honestly cant picture myself anywhere but in the midwest. i love madison, milwaukee, and chicago. any other place, id be very reluctant to live in. i wonder what type of house we will buy. a townhouse, a ranch style, an apartment. i wonder what our kids will look like. will they have your curly hair? will they be skinny like me? i hope they like swingsets. id be heartbroken if they didnt. and i hope they like skittles. haha who doesnt like skittles? =] how many pets will we have? ive never had a dog so im not sure if i would like living with one. we will for sure have kitties. i wonder what sort of trips we will take. i wonder if everything will be perfect like ive always imagined it.
summer is pretty much half over. i wish i would stop counting down the days. i am so far from excited for next school year to start but i am going to try my hardest to take a different approach on things. i dont want it to be another miserable year. but i want to stop thinking about that. its summer.

i dont know

unwanted. unimportant. useless. worthless. stupid. pathetic. unloved. unlovable. undesirable. obnoxious. nothing special. nothing worth fighting for. nothing at all. crazy. insane. unable to be dealt with. not worth the effort. not worth anything. annoying. bitchy. a cunt. a wench. waste of space. what does it matter.

slow dancing in a burning room

im in love with this boy. a boy with brown hair and wonderful brown eyes and this enticing medium brown skin. he has a mind like no other. his thoughts are deep. i consider him to be very wise and insightful. i know he always has a lot on his mind. he is very talented. he is a good artist. his way with words is like pure poetry to me. his passion and his fascination with things is lovely. he aspires to be a chef and i have no doubt that he will be the best. he isnt exactly funny. no, i wouldnt use that word to describe him. but sometimes, without even trying, he makes me laugh. its a laugh that only he has the privilege to experience. yes, he amuses me quite often. he can make me smile so much my cheeks hurt. we could talk all day every day and never run out of things to say. he is very romantic. i know he would pay perfect attention to me. i have no doubt that he could satisfy my every need.
i want to be with him forever. i dont think ive ever truly loved anyone more. i know for a fact that ive never cared so much about somebody before. i crave his attention and his approval more than anyone else. i want to please him. i want to make him happy. i want all of our hopes and dreams to become reality. i want to love him like he has never been loved before. i want to be his one and only. forever and always.


i wish things could be perfect all the time. i guess when you love somebody so much and they love you the same, its impossible to avoid arguments. he and i dont think the same. he has said it before; i think with my emotions and he uses logic. in my opinion, we both are dreamers but we are also pessimists. we just do it in our own way. i know im not always open with everything. but he seems so distant at times. sometimes, it feels like hes holding back. i feel like there is still a lot that i dont know about this boy. sometimes, the things he does or fails to do make me feel like he doesnt care as much as i do. sometimes, it feels like he doesnt care when he hurts me. i know, or he says, he doesnt intentionally hurt me but he does it anyways and it always leads to problems. i know i hurt him sometimes too. most of the time im not trying. sometimes its on purpose and for that i am a terrible person. whenever we disagree about something, it leads to a huge fight and most of the time it leads to goodbyes. whenever one of us hurts the other, its the same exact way. he isnt good with apologies or seeing things from other peoples point of view. im not blaming him for everything. i never claimed to be a strong individual and i never claimed to be perfect. im a weak mess. but i try. i really do. i put forth all of my effort. i try to change when i know that something is wrong. i make him the center of my attention. it just seems like he isnt trying to change. maybe its because he never tells me things. i rarely know what he is thinking or feeling. it makes things so hard. all of this plus the fact that we are miles apart just makes this so painful.


the good times with this boy are great. when things are good between me and him, i couldnt ask for more. when we laugh and smile together, its like the world is perfect and nothing could go wrong. but when we argue, when we fight, when we disagree, its hard. its hard to stay when it seems like nothing will change. i want to be with this boy forever but im afraid that the future will only bring more and more fighting. im afraid that one day we will grow to despise each other. i love him through think and thin. but when we fight, he comes off as so cold and so uncaring. in those moments, i find it hard to find something to love about him....i just dont know what to do anymore.......i know that we can pull through whatever happens but i also know that shit will just keep happening over and over again. i just dont know if i can handle all of the useless fights and all of the getting hurt and the heartache.


i love you more than anything but i just dont know...

wet hot american summer

well, i got back from florida on the 19th. i had a pretty alright time. ate a lot of good food. got to go on the beaches before the oil started washing up. became a little less pale. did not learn how to swim. sweat a lot. had really bad hair every day. bought a few things. mostly, i had a lot of simple fun with my family. wish i could have stayed longer or brought a few people with me. theres a lot to do in pensacola.
hm, what else has been going on? i took my road test on the 21st. failed it. epicly. its half my fault because i let my anxiety affect me so much. its half the driving schools fault because i had a drive time that morning and the instructor told me i was doing everything perfect and i would probably pass my test. however, she forgot to mention all of the little details i would need for my test. whatever. now, i have to wait until september to try again. how awesome...
i think i decided that i'm done with twitter. i havent deleted my account or anything. but i did stop getting updates on my phone and i deleted my twitter contact. twitter seemed fun when i was the only one of my friends to have it. then, a few of my friends got it and it wasnt bad. but now so many people i know have it that i cant even say anything without risking judgement. its like every time i quote a song lyric that i like people have to ask questions about it. i dont know. it just got really annoying. twitter was like a mini blog for me. i could get all of my little random thoughts out and it felt really good to not have everything clogged up in my head. but whatever. ill miss getting info from bands and stuff too. and ill miss the occasional funny or cute tweets i used to get. all in all, i guess im glad to not be involved with everyone elses business and shit anymore.
i wish i was doing more this summer. like going to a concert or hanging out with more friends. its pretty sad that theres only one person i make plans with and theres only one person i talk to all day every day. i dont want to blame myself but i cant completely blame everyone else. i have gone swimming with the boys this summer. and i have gone to a couple sleepovers. it just sucks having a job. apparently, working at 4pm means that the rest of my day has to be full of nothing. ugh. not to mention the fact that most of my not so big paycheck has to go towards saving for things so i never have any spending money. i wish i was less of a complainer.
i recently got an account on last.fm and i finally actually updated my account on playlist.com. music helps distract me. i made a john mayer playlist yesterday. literally, i put practically every john mayer song ever made on that playlist. ive listened to one song so far haha. sad sad sad. last.fm im not sure why i got an account on. its pretty cool because you learn about new artists and it shows you people who have similar music interests as you. but im not sure i want to get into making more random friends online. speaking of random online friends, flash flash revolution is supposed to be coming back soon. considering the fact that my best friend in the entire universe is on there, i might go back on. however, once again, im not sure i want to get back into the whole talking to people online thing. when i do that it just seems like im wasting my life when i could be out talking to my real friends. who knows. we will see.
i really wanted to go see toy story 3 but it came out while i was in florida and now i feel like its too late to go see it. i hate being the only one in a movie theater. i absolutely despise it. despicable me is coming out soon. it looks so fucking adorable. im definitely going to make sure i go see that one. i still havent decided if im going to warped tour this year. it comes to milwaukee the day after i get back from california. im just not sure i want to spend all of that money to see only a few bands that arent even my favorite bands. i really wanted to go to summer fest this year because like a bazillion bands that i love were going. passion pit, sick puppies, silversun pickups, the devil wears prada, neon trees, paper tongues, more more more more more. but summer fest goes on for like 10 days and its 15 dollars a day for admission and its in milwaukee. needless to say, i dont have the money or a ride and i have a job that conflicts with pretty much every day i wanted to go. oh well. im just hoping that the silversun pickups tour again because they are AMAZING and ive missed them every time they come to this area.
so its summer. almost july. that means that summer is almost 1/3 over. i better start living it up while i can.

lets start a war together and die at the same time

wow, it's officially the end of my sophomore year. i never thought i would want summer to come so fast. this year definitely had its share of ups and downs. sadly, i think the downs are what is most prominent in my memory. all i can say is that i'm so glad i had certain people in my life to help me get through my roughest times and i'm even more glad that they put up with my crazy ass mood swings. i'm not sure what changes have occured within me this year. i'm still obnoxiously shy like i've always been. i still only wear skinny jeans and i love my band tees. i guess i am more of a fun seeker in a way. i love hanging out with my boys. i don't know what i would do without them. those kids make me laugh so much. except when they throw fireworks and me. that's not much fun.
got a job at pizza hut not too long ago. lucky for me, i get to work with tj. i've only actually worked one day so far but i work for the next three nights. i can't help but let my anxiety get to me. i'm afraid of messing up when it really counts. however, i am positive i will eventually get the hang of things and hopefully i won't dread going to my job.
what to do what to do what to do.
suddenly, all of my summer plans seem less exciting than before. i leave for florida on friday. in a couple of weeks, i do my last drive time and take my drive test. lets all hope i pass. california will be in july still. maybe i'll be going to summer fest and warped tour. i'm just afraid that work is going to interfere with everything. if i can't go see silversun pickups at summer fest because of work, i might just kill myself. bleh =p
rawr. i really don't know what else to say. this whole keeping up with my blogging thing hasn't really worked out. oh well. not like many people care.
did i ever rant about why alternative music is the best? even if i did, i'm going to do it again right here.
alternative music can be listened to no matter what mood you're in. happy, sad, lonely, angry, excited, in love, heartbroken, thoughtful, empty. i could go on for hours. alternative music has so many varieties. you can listen to it at so many events. birthday parties, graduation parties, in a clothing store, in a restaraunt, at a party, sitting with your significant other, when doing chores, when doing art, when you're alone and don't have anything better to do. i don't think you could ever go wrong with alternative music.

p.s.

somehow my "comments" got changed to "mutherfuckers talkin shit" and i do not enjoy it. nor do i know how to change it. ive tried but nothing works. makes me sad.

born to quit

i wish things like this didnt happen on a daily basis. our communication sucks for lack of a better word. two strong headed people are not meant to be together. no matter how many times we cry, we yell, we fight, we fix things, it always seems like we resort back to our old ways. in no way would i ever really want to blame you for everything. that would be wrong. i do the same things as you. i find it pathetic that we cant realize when we are wrong. we cant just stop and listen to the other person. even when i mean no harm by what im saying, you take offense. even when you did not mean to hurt me, im hurt. even when i try to calmly tell you how i feel, you get defensive. it seems like everything turns into an arguement between us these days. you tell me i dont listen. you call me a hypocrite. you say im being a bitch. but as those words fall from your lips, you fail to see the things you have already said. i never claim to be better than you. i try my hardest to not assume what youre going to do. yet, you cant give me that same respect. i know my anger can be a terrible thing. yours is too whether you will admit it or not. in some ways, i feel like i admit more of my faults than you admit of yourself. you say you want to talk things out by how am i supposed to do that when youre being so hostile? sometimes, it feels like you yell at me like a father would scold a child. it seems very condescending. you speak matter of factly then say youre just stating an opinion. i know thats exactly what i did today so i cannot really say its all your fault all of the time.
it breaks my heart every time we do this. alas, i honestly cant change the way i feel. i cant program myself to not take offense to things that bother me. im sorry i am so emotional at times. im sorry i voice when i am hurt or bothered. and it would be stupid of me to expect you to change the way you feel about things. most of the time, i feel like we are destined to be like this for the rest of our time together. i know you say you want to fix things. i know you say forever and always.

but what if that is not best for us?

what if forever and always will bring us more disaffection and pain that happiness?



i dont know what to do.



i dont know what to say.



i dont know how i feel.



...

eh, nothing else i can say

mother, you hated that your parents hated you. well, i hate that you hate me. and hopefully soon youll hate that i hate you. thank you for occasionally realizing that you give me hell on a daily basis. fuck you for not doing a damn thing to change. you say im such a bitter, angry, bitchy child. jeez, i wonder why.
i blame you and that swell man you married for the relationship issues i have today. i blame you for starting a family that was destined to fail. you chose to be a stupid teenager. you chose to marry a man that you knew was terrible. you chose to say all of those things youve said to me. youve sealed both of our fates. for you, youre going to be a lonely old woman. and me? well, im just going to be called crazy and insane by every person i love because im paranoid out of my mind thanks to all of the things ive had to experience. yeah sure, i could blame my dad for the abuse he dished out and all of his bullshit. however, i see more and more clearly each day that it was you who allowed all of those things to happen.
maybe im exaggerating a little. i know thats not how i should think. im just angry right now. im bitter. im a bitch. how many more times do i have to hear it? yeah, i get that im crazy. i hate myself enough for it. i already despise who i am. do you have to make it worse?



cool.

we are...

a rough sketch of an idea im working on
it could need some additions or rearrangements or things taken out
it could be perfect just the way it is

* * *

we are those who seek but cannot find

we are the lost and troubled souls

we are the bleeding hearts

we are the damned

we are the living

everchanging

lately, not much has changed. looking back at my last post, the whole world has changed. this is not updated at all. i attempted a post a few weeks ago. i had so much to say but there were some errors and well, here i am.
previous events:
i went to a motion city soundtrack concert with sing it loud, fun, and a rocket to the moon.
also! i went a say anything concert with angels and airwaves.
now that ive seen motion city and say anything, i am ready to die...teehee =]
arranging my thoughts into something intelligent and interesting just isnt going to happen today. however, now is when i have the time and motivation so its going to happen no matter what.
i must kickstart my blogging habit again

oh lord, where to start......

my feelings towards life have been changing. by being a wallflower, i have observed a lot. thats kind of what i do now. i dont really like to participate anymore. maybe its just this place that i am trapped. i feel like i am so far beyond this town and the people in it. i want to leave. i want to be somewhere new. this town has nothing left to offer me but bad memories and hate. i have grown very indifferent to my surroundings. i have discovered that i can fight and fight and fight for my views and opinions. i can try to make things go my way. but that rarely happens and when it does, i find myself very unsatisfied. the picture in my head will never become reality. reality will never equal my expectations and hopes and dreams and aspirations and....

it seems as though nobody listens to the things i say anymore. i notice people looking away when i talk. they even interupt me and start conversations with other people. due to this, i keep most things in my head. i do not discuss the way i am feeling. i try to not express my opinions. i say a lot of "i dont know" and "maybe". i cannot completely blame my friends for our disconnect. i am also the one who let things slide and disappear. it just seems like i am going in a different direction than they are. they all want to go to school events and hang with these kids i am not fond of and all of this other whatnot. i really cannot explain it in the right way. i want to talk to different people; people that dont exist in this town. i have yet to find someone who is anywhere near interested in all of the things that i am. i feel alone and very isolated. i feel as though i have nothing to contribute to peoples conversations.

i want summer. i desire a time to renew. a time where i can just be me. i can do the things i want to do. i can relax. i can be free. i hate all of these deadlines. i loathe the anxiety. i despise the drama. i want to be rid of all of it.

seasonal affective disorder. i am staring at the blue sky. hardly a cloud in sight. according to any therapist, this would mean im supposed to be happy. so why am i apathetic? yes, rainy days and dark clouds typically mean sadness and anger for me. but the sun still cannot save me from my irrational moods. i make no sense to myself. i do believe that no therapist can fit me into their frivolous little categories.

back to summer. i want to talk about my plans.
two days after school gets out, june 11th, ill be boarding a plane to florida and i wont be coming back until june 19th. sometime in july, ill be on my way to california. working on persuading my mom to let me go to LA for a day. i want to snort mountains of cocaine and get lost in the sex, drugs, and disaffection. for sure. also, im hoping to go to michigan (the up) for some sort of camping trip. still not sure if thats actually going to happen or if ill be going. we shall see. if i come back from california in time and can scrape up some money, id love to go to warped tour. i plan on borrowing the first season of true blood from tai. that should occupy me quite easily. i want to get some more money to buy piles upon piles of novels about teen angst, depression, drugs, sex, suicide and all that jazz. i also want to find more time to do my artwork since i find myself to be rather unmotivated and distracted in school. and of course i would be happy if i could find more time for this little thing so i can document my craziness.

oh me, oh my.
i think that is enough for one post. i feel it necessary to expand on a few of these thoughts but not all at once.

to be continued

eventually