dreaming with a broken heart

yeah, in case anyone was wondering, i believe my last three post titles with exception to "i don't know" have been john mayer song titles. it's like the man knows how to sum up my life with a lil phrase. i love john mayer.
is it pathetic that i am so used to being let down that it hardly surprises me anymore? it's like i just see this shit coming. okay, so maybe i didn't see anything this big coming. i honestly thought you had been telling me the truth. i honestly thought you had changed. i honestly thought you cared. all the while i am writing this, my heart hurts but i have no more tears to shed. it's funny how the little things get me so easily but when something big happens i just push away all the emotions. yeah, it hurts like a fucking bitch. yeah, i've been having a lot of anxiety. yeah, i can't sleep at night. yeah, it's all thanks to you and the fact that you completely ripped my heart out. yeah, it's all your fault. but when it comes to crying or wanting to lie in bed all day or just giving up on life in general, i'm not doing it this time. i don't know. i think it just hurts so much that i honestly cannot deal with it. i'd rather try and forget about it rather than face it. you hurt me. a lot.
i can't figure out what the worst part of this is. the simple fact that you lied to me. maybe it's that you didn't love me enough or care about me enough to actually do the things you said you would. or it's the fact that you didn't stop to consider me for two seconds. i never crossed your mind once. it might be that you knew how much it hurt me when you did this before and you just kept on doing it behind my back for so long. possibly it's that you knew that i had trust issues. you knew how hard it was for me to break down my walls and trust you. you knew that i trusted you more than anyone else. perhaps the worst part is that i will never trust you again.....
it sucks a lot when you love somebody so much, you love them more than anybody in the world, you make and keep promises for them, you change for them, you do things you've never done before for them, you completely open yourself up to them, and they just........they just shit on you.....
you don't deserve my sadness. you don't deserve anything i do for you. you broke my heart and i won't give you another fucking tear for it. i'm done crying over all the shit you do. honestly, i was just starting to really have hope for us. i was going to do everything to make things better again. i was ready for us to last forever. everything was just starting to be perfect again. then, you dropped this bomb on me. this time, i'm not so sure i'm willing to clean up the mess. right now, all i want to do is pick myself up, clean myself off, and leave you behind to deal with all the wreckage. you created it anyways. so you deal with it.