alifelessordinary

i make stupid decisions.  i knew that coming back to milwaukee would draw me back into my old ways.  the first day i was here, out of pure boredom, i called zakk and met up with him.  i even was  dumb enough to spend the night at his house.  then, i saw him again the next day.  i dont know what the hell i was thinking other than i was bored and really wanted some company.  not like he is good company, though... you would think i would know better by now.  i just never learn.  the entire time i was around him, i felt like bursting into tears.  i knew i never emotionally dealt with the breakup, but the choice to see him was not the right one by any means.  now, i am once again preoccupied with what he is doing, what he may be lying about, what girls he may be talking to.  once again, i am miserable thanks to him.  i want to go back to having an hour of distance between us.  it was much easier that way.  milwaukee is littered with memories of him.  what makes things even worse is that he took my choice to meet him as a sign that i wanted to work things out and eventually get back together.  i find myself once again being destroyed by the fact that he treated me like such shit, yet he claims im the only one he wants.  it makes no fucking sense.  i just want to move on...
among other people from my past, i also saw jack again.  even though we were once a thing, it was much simpler with him.  i mean he did try to kiss me once or twice, but at least he listened to me when i said we were just friends.  still, being associated with west allis and my old life in any way makes me uneasy.
my whole family seems overly enthused about my brother's friend, nathan, liking me.  i guess that means i should date him.  in spite of his religious status, he did not seem to care that i am atheist.  i guess maybe he does not realize how much that hinders the future like when i refuse to have a church wedding ceremony or when i dont want my kids baptized or when i wont want them going to church.  i dont think he understands how serious i am about it.  its not just a belief, its an identity and way of life.
i drank too much last night, so i have a headache like a motherfucker right now and cant really think straight.  that on top of the dorms being absurdly hot and my lack of any private space is making things extra difficult.  i cannot construct any put together thoughts, but i am so bored and desperate for things to kill time that i came on here and attempted to blog anyways.  this is quite a useless post.
fuck.

well whiskey

the past two days have felt a lot like the arrival of autumn, which is admittedly my favorite season.  the cool breeze, the smell in the air, all of the colors, and the holidays.  yet, for some reason, there is always an aching in my heart whenever fall comes around.  i do not know exactly what it is that makes me feel this way.  this year, i know it probably has something to do with the fact that me and zakk were both lovers of fall, and it will be difficult spending this one without him.  still, it goes a lot deeper than that.  this happens to me every year.  maybe, it is a touch of seasonal affective disorder.  perhaps it is something i do not quite recall from my past that triggers it.  either way, i have a feeling the next few months are going to be hard on me.
school is a little over a week away.  on top of being anxious about having to do the school work again and having a new roommate, growing closer to lyle has made me fear the feeling of homesickness.  i know i am going to be quite lonely without him.  it is already hard for me to spend a couple of days without him while we are living in the same city.  i know that i have jack, but i am starting to wonder if it will be awkward hanging out with him after all of this time has passed and we are no longer "lovers."  i just wish i could find a place to officially call my home.  being between milwaukee and madison has made me feel like i am caught between two lovers.
furthering my anxiety is the sure fact that milwaukee will bring forth a slew of bad memories that i do not want to deal with.  jack living in west allis will make it really fucking hard hanging out there with him.  i wonder if it is even a good idea for us to continue being friends since he is in somewhat the same circle of friends as zakk.  also, he is not exactly the kind of person i feel like i should be friends with.  i mean, i really just want someone to pass the time with...but i have suddenly grown moralistic about the kind of people i want in my life.  however, if i cut him out, i have no friends in milwaukee.  after finding out that my new roommate is only fucking eighteen years old, i have lost faith in her ability to be a close friend of mine.  i know that friendship and hanging out does not need to revolve around drinking, but i can finally fucking go out to bars and clubs and shit and that is what i want to do.  oh well.
just one more year of this college thing...then i enter the "real" world with a "real" job.  mike asked me the other day if i had thought about where i want to work after school.  for the longest time i thought i had everything figured out, but he made me realize that i have not put true thought into my actual career apart from what i MAYBE want to do.  i am probably worrying too much.  or maybe im not worrying enough.  getting a job in milwaukee means having to find an apartment in milwaukee and needing money for that...which i do not have.  getting a job in madison means staying with my mom which is already miserable and would be even more miserable once i am finally an "adult."  holy shit, the stress of the future has really started weighing down on my shoulders.
thinking about my future after college has me simultaneously thinking about the future of my love life.  wouldnt it be so easy if me and lyle worked out and we could get a place together after i graduated so i could have someone to split the cost with and an easy gateway into adulthood.  we have only known each other for a month now.  the more serious things get, the more nervous i get.  i almost feel like i am settling for him because he is the first guy who got my number and took me out to dinner.  i am stuck in an awkward place where he really likes me and i do not want to hurt him, but i genuinely want to continue my search to see what else is out there.  i do not want to get too serious with someone that i do not actually want to have a long future with...and right now i am just so unsure about everything...not because he is a bad guy, but because the little things really matter, and he may not be the one in the small senses.  oftentimes, things feel like they are moving too fast for me.  like last weekend when lyle got super jealous over the fact that i was hanging out with nate, my groomsman.  it feels like i am already sort of...trapped...in a serious relationship.  i just genuinely want to be happy and not have this end badly.  i wish my heart got all fluttery when i was around him, but i often feel a little dead inside.  this is probably just me, though...
occasionally, i entertain the thought of me and austin getting back together.  we have known each other for so long, and he definitely has it made with the army.  wouldnt things just be so simple... he comes home for a visit in december, and he said he really wants to see me.  i genuinely regret never sleeping with him when we were dating, and i would honestly love to make that mistake when he comes to visit (i say mistake for the fact that we are both seeing people currently.)  this is just a random thought.
apart from ranting about my pathetic love life...i have a real story to tell about something that made me think.  the other day, me and lyle were taking a walk through his neighborhood.  this guy (not to mention race, but i believe he was black) beckoned us over to him, because he needed help with some landscaping project he was doing.  i was highly reluctant, but lyle, being the nice guy he is, started to go over.  the guy must have been muslim because he kept saying "praise allah!" he was very outgoing and had such a vibrant personality.  he spoke to us like we were friends rather than strangers.  he called lyle big daddy or something like that.  his whole demeanor put a smile on my face and made me laugh.  anyways, he needed help folding this plastic sheeting so he could lay it down and put rocks over it to edge his driveway.  when we were done helping, he told us a little about himself.  with my bad hearing, i only caught something about his name meaning "the chosen one" and him being in two wars.  not knowing that me and lyle had only known each other for one month, he gave us advice about trusting each other and never lying and whatnot.  overall, it was an enlightening experience.  it felt inspiring being able to trust and help a stranger in a world where we are taught to fear strangers and unknown situations.  it was even more inspiring that he wanted to share himself and his wisdom with us.  i want to remember the little things like this, because i truly do love helping other people and learning from them.
with all of these thoughts and feelings swarming through me, i feel as though it would be an opportune time to construct a poem.  one about fall, death, change, love, etc. i have begun doing something i never used to.  i scrawl out my thoughts in a journal before i actually start writing the poem.  before, i used to just dive head first, and it would come out in final form.  however, it seems as if the words do not flow from me as easily in such a way.  either way, i have a lot of thoughts that need to be released in the form of one or more poems.  i am proud of myself for wanting to take my writing seriously.  a collection of poems is something you can carry with you throughout your life, and it is something my future family could look at and remember me by.  i feel like it would be a genuine accomplishment in my life, even if none of them ever get published.  i have no idea how to get published anyways.  sylvia plath used to simply stick her poems in an envelope and mail them to the editors of seventeen magazine (i wonder what that magazine was like back in the late 20s and early 30s, because it fucking sucks now.)  it cannot possibly be that simple nowadays.
today, i sit listening to acoustic and oldies music.  my mind filled with anxiety as well as inspiration.  although things are dreadfully confusing and a little scary at times, i am still doing better than what i was doing for the past three years.
keep moving forward...

nuptials

so, my brother got married this saturday.  it feels like so much time went into planning the damn thing, and then it was over within a matter of seconds.  i am so happy for him.  however, i do find myself being nervous over whether or not things will work out.  i think i am like that about many things lately, though.  as previously stated in probably all of my recent posts, the future fucking freaks me out lately.  anyways, the thursday before the wedding was the bachelorette party.  it was my first ever bachelorette party, and i presume based on movie comparisons that it was fairly tame.  i mean i did drink two shots of tequila and a few weak margaritas and two small glasses of wine.  we played that card game, cards against humanity, and i felt like the bad girl who knew what most of the cards referred to while my brother's fiance did not even know what road head was (dear lord...).  in spite of the fact that i do not fit in with such an innocent group of girls, i found friends.  it makes me happy that i am becoming more of a chameleon rather than someone who intentionally removes myself from social situations.  the rehearsal dinner was also quite fun.  i got to know my designated groomsman, nathan, a little bit more.  we have met two or three times in the past, but i managed to not talk the entire time.  i could not tell if he was being gentlemanly or flirting the whole time.  he pulled out chairs for me, joked that he got paired with the prettiest bridesmaid, told me i looked beautiful on the day of the wedding, and even messaged me the day after the wedding.  i do not know...a guy like him could never like a girl like me.  he went on my tumblr and read one of my poems.  based on some of my recent posts, he most certainly thinks i am a freak.  i have no idea how anyone lives such a sheltered christian lifestyle.  either way, i only cried a little bit on the day of the wedding, and everything went smooth apart from my awkward encounter with the dance floor in which i likely made a huge ass of myself.
in other important events, me and lyle had our first official fight type thing.  he was extremely jealous of my spending time with other guys.  in his defense, i was intentionally trying to say things that would make him jealous.  i dont know why i keep playing these same old games with guys i am trying to date.  is being happy too boring for me?  i do not even know what my own motivation is.  fighting with him was not a pleasant occurrence, so i have no idea why i went out of my way to cause it.  nonetheless, i did discover how insecure he is and how little trust he has for me or other people.  i keep finding issues now rather than things i actually enjoy.  once again, this may be something i am doing intentionally.  i think i like to ruin things...maybe its the way my heart beats quickly...like it is exciting to not know what the outcome will be.  maybe i like the challenge of trying to remedy the situation after i have completely destroyed it.
it is awkward how lyle is taking a shower in my home while i type out this post.  i seem to constantly be in my own world even in the presence of other people.  for instance, one of the groomsman at the wedding tried to ask me about why i am studying philosophy in school, and rather than answering his questions or opening up an intriguing debate, i chose to think about things in my own head and make a fool out of myself.  i am certain that he thought i had no idea what i was talking about, when in fact, it is a subject i am genuinely passionate about.  i have no idea why sharing myself with others is such a daunting task.  progress comes in stages, and maybe this is something that will fix itself sooner or later...
at this point in time, i almost feel like i am writing simply to pass the time, and i find my thoughts overlapping each other and no longer making sense.  therefore, i shall cease before i start to make less sense that i have already failed to make in the rest of this post.
progression...this is what i so desperately need.

rollercoaster

im in a strange place right now.  oftentimes, i feel like im doing better than ive ever done before.  i feel motivated, inspired, and like im moving forward in the right direction.  i feel as though ive been experiencing joy again for the first time in what seems like forever.  on the contrary, it is clear to see that the emotions ive been trying to submerge are fighting their way to the surface.  "i cannot drown my demons; they know how to swim."  i find myself missing him in the little ways.  i find myself becoming very sad when i think about him.  knowing that its for the better does not exactly help.  i have not yet been able to put my finger on exactly what it is that is making me so sad, but we all knew the breakup would catch up to me eventually.
the other day, lyle asked me what i want in a relationship, and i had no fucking answer to give.  besides trust.  i was able to say that much.  maybe i cant tell him what i want in a relationship because the simple thought of being in a relationship right now seems to scare the shit out of me.  i dont even want to ask him questions because im afraid that i will not like the answers.  i wonder why my mind constantly needs to be in a tug of war battle with itself all of the time.  its constantly racing with thoughts from all over the fucking spectrum.  why cant i just be happy or sad?  one or the other.  maybe if i could stay in one place for long enough, then i could actually start figuring some shit out.  im not sure how i feel about him right now.  there are things about him that make me feel a strong connection.  however, of course, there are things that make me cringe or roll my eyes.  sometimes, its hard to talk to him.  we run out of conversation.  he keeps asking me to be his girlfriend.  like hes in a rush, but its only been three weeks since i met him.  i dont fucking know.
i asked ganske for jacks number last night.  i think it finally dawned on me that i would have zero friends when i moved back to milwaukee.  i know he and i have our quirks, and he often influences me in bad ways.  not to mention the fact that hes connected to people who are connected with zakk.  i dont know.  i guess i just liked how easy it was to laugh around him.  still, i feel like, once again, im starting to go back to all of the things i tried running away from in the first place.  i just cant figure anything out.
i dont know what i am in this moment.  lethargic. apathetic.  i often try to convince myself that this roller coaster of emotions is fun.  that i wouldnt want to live life like everyone else does.  lets be honest, not being able to get your head and heart straight fucking sucks.  especially when youre trying to start new relationships.
tonight i plan on attempting to sketch an outline for the tattoo i plan on getting.  at least i could decide on that.  glad i can make one decision about commitment.  im glad that im being creative again.  i can honestly thank lyle for that.  something about him awoke that part of me.  i just find it strange that i can only be creative when im depressed or numb.  hence, the poem about how depression and sadness are my only fucking lovers.  
right now i just want to be alone, sip on some whiskey, and attempt to produce forms of art that i am actually somewhat proud of.  unfortunately, this is far from reality.  so off i go to be stuck in my head all night and unable to do anything about it.

the one

the first official poem that i have written in about three years.  it likely needs revision.  it has a very simple structure and some fairly obvious rhymes.  extra stanzas could be added to tell more of an in depth story.  i would not say it is anything special or my best work, but it is a start in the right direction.  this experience makes me wish i had someone who could help me with revisions.  creative writing classes are likely a good option for the future.

The One

I beckoned you back to me.

I cannot believe I ever set you free.

And you returned, running.

My God, it felt so stunning.

The truth is, we belong together.

Without you, there is no closure.

Lovers destined to one last gasp,

Miserable in each other's clasp.

I yearned for your suffocating grip

On my soul, the ties I could not clip.

You created the whole within my heart.

Filling it has become a useless art.

Nothing am I without you.

Eyes fixed on the sky, so blue.

Whenever I think I can fly free,

Of my barriers, you remind me.

This identity is all I have ever known.

It is manifested deep in my bones.

My dreams lie useless on a shelf.

Never meant to accomplish them myself.

My scars remind me that I am property

Of this illness that stripped my dignity

Straight out of my weak hands

Before I got a chance to make other plans.

You are the only lover I ever deserved.

This fate shall not be disturbed.

Soul mates until the bitter end.

My depression, my only friend.

landlocked blues

lately, when i think about my life, i actually feel like things are going uphill.  this is a strange thing for me.  i dont feel like my life is a disaster that needs fixing.  i mean, nothing is perfect, but i dont feel like im drowning in a sea of things i cannot control.  
my last year of college starts in less than a month.  my roommate finally emailed me.  i am strangely optimistic about these circumstances.  naturally, i tend to keep to myself.  however, i really hope this girl has a lot in common with me, because i could really use more friends in my life.  i feel as though randomly giving my number to lyle has made me more ballsy when it comes to meeting new people.  anyways, this morning i found myself thinking about how id like to go shopping around milwaukee with this girl, or to go out to the bars, or even if she would ever want to come back to madison with me over the weekend to walk state street and shit.  it feels refreshing wanting to open myself up to people.  i have matured a lot when it comes to dealing with changes and new people.  at the same time, i have also opened up more to doing things on my own. something as simple as going to a coffee shop on my own feels like a great leap forward for me.  maybe, i am finally starting to shed the weight of everything that has been holding me back my entire life.
my breakup with zakk has been strange.  unfortunately, i did it over text.  oddly enough, he has not had much to say about it.  i tried talking to him on the phone about a week ago, and he simply seemed in denial about it.  i dont know what i expected.  a proper goodbye maybe.  however, a clean break may be for the best.  i still get sad when i think about it.  its not easy to let go of someone you knew for three years.  not to mention that i was awfully close to his family and his pets.  so it has become letting go of much more than just him.  the thing is he probably has not told a single person that we broke up.  his facebook status still says hes in a relationship.  shit like this makes me feel like the whole breakup is just in limbo, but it is not actually finalized.  this makes me worry that my emotions are also just in limbo.  my current motto about this is just to take things one day at a time.  going back to class in milwaukee worries me, though.  i am fairly certain that i will end up bumping into him or his family.  i feel like im going back to all of the things that i tried to run away from.  more on this subject later...
lyle will be meeting my mom this saturday.  i guess this might make things official.  i have avoided putting a title on our relationship, because i am still reserved about fully giving myself to someone.  he and i have both said it feels like weve known each other for a lot longer than two and a half weeks...  i dont know if its just my fear or my actual emotions; however, i keep worrying that maybe i dont have those butterflies for him, or that there are things about him that turn me off.  in spite of this, there are still plenty of good things about him that are making me want to explore this more.  the other day, we spent the afternoon and evening walking around downtown and grabbing drinks at a few bars.  those are the simple things i always wanted to do but could never actually do with zakk.  bar hopping with him always turned into a sloppy night and a huge fight.  anyways, in all the times that i hang out with lyle, i find myself sharing a lot of things about me and my past with him.  i worry that this may be too much for him, but he always seems so understanding and willing to listen.  it is as though i am in this strange place where i have to figure out who i want to be when im in a relationship.  i am so used to being worrisome and controlling and insecure.  i dont know how to act with lyle.  i dont know what to feel like when he compliments another girl or something like that.  dating is fucking stressful.  maybe i am not ready for this.  i went from wanting to give my number to random guys to being on the verge of another serious relationship.  more on this subject later...
on a completely different subject, my hair stylist came into dsw the other day.  her husband had recently killed himself.  she told me about how she had to go down to the police station that day to pick up the gun he had used and the suicide note she had never read.  this put me deep in thought about when i had tried to commit suicide.  i dont exactly know why, but this story has stuck with me and had some effect on my ability to think straight the past couple of days.  its strange how often i dwell on the subject of suicide...
i need to do more interesting things in my life so i dont keep dwelling on the same boring shit every time i come on here.  im just happy that for once i feel like im moving forward in the right direction instead of being stuck in a shitty place and being depressed and anxious all of the time.  i hope this is the turning point in my life.

haze

i dont know why i thought it would be easy in the first place, but i suck at cutting people out of my life.  in spite of how shitty i was treated, i still find a way to miss what i had.  moving on to better things is never simple, and it is all sinking in at once.  i am trying to withstand the weight of everything coming down, but im fairly certain ill crack soon...and it will be a huge mess.
im officially afraid of commitment.  although marriage and weddings have been on my mind a great deal lately (much thanks to aaron and cassie's wedding coming up in two weeks), im suddenly super afraid of trusting lyle and being in a committed relationship with him.  hes absurdly sweet, but im fairly certain he has something hes hiding.  everyone always does...  not like i can expect him to fall in love with me and be perfect within a matter of two weeks...my mind is scattered as well as my heart.  
clearly, common sense would have told me, jumping from one relationship to another is difficult and confusing.  with the exception of my two first relationships in middle school (that hardly counted anyways), my relationships have always overlapped.  i dont think i have ever been officially single since freshman year in high school.  im sure that most people would tell me this is unhealthy.  im sure that i already know that...
i think the fact that school is coming up soon and ill be back in milwaukee again is dawning on me.  i officially have zero friends in the milwaukee area...so i presume it may be difficult to stay away from zakk.  christ knows he already is aware that ill be moving back soon, and he will probably do some crazy stalker thing like hes done in the past.  i cant believe i ever dealt with any of this shit...  it all should be a huge wake up call that more and more changes need to be made in my life.  i need to fucking grow up, make friends, and actually talk to people about my issues.  my last year in college and i have nothing to look forward to...
in this moment, i cannot get my thoughts or feelings straight.  my nerves are kicking in.  relationships are proving to be terribly frightening.  big changes are creeping closer and closer.  i need to muster up some strength quickly before life swallows me up...
this post made zero sense and served the simple purpose of an outlet in which i could vent aimlessly.