well whiskey

the past two days have felt a lot like the arrival of autumn, which is admittedly my favorite season.  the cool breeze, the smell in the air, all of the colors, and the holidays.  yet, for some reason, there is always an aching in my heart whenever fall comes around.  i do not know exactly what it is that makes me feel this way.  this year, i know it probably has something to do with the fact that me and zakk were both lovers of fall, and it will be difficult spending this one without him.  still, it goes a lot deeper than that.  this happens to me every year.  maybe, it is a touch of seasonal affective disorder.  perhaps it is something i do not quite recall from my past that triggers it.  either way, i have a feeling the next few months are going to be hard on me.
school is a little over a week away.  on top of being anxious about having to do the school work again and having a new roommate, growing closer to lyle has made me fear the feeling of homesickness.  i know i am going to be quite lonely without him.  it is already hard for me to spend a couple of days without him while we are living in the same city.  i know that i have jack, but i am starting to wonder if it will be awkward hanging out with him after all of this time has passed and we are no longer "lovers."  i just wish i could find a place to officially call my home.  being between milwaukee and madison has made me feel like i am caught between two lovers.
furthering my anxiety is the sure fact that milwaukee will bring forth a slew of bad memories that i do not want to deal with.  jack living in west allis will make it really fucking hard hanging out there with him.  i wonder if it is even a good idea for us to continue being friends since he is in somewhat the same circle of friends as zakk.  also, he is not exactly the kind of person i feel like i should be friends with.  i mean, i really just want someone to pass the time with...but i have suddenly grown moralistic about the kind of people i want in my life.  however, if i cut him out, i have no friends in milwaukee.  after finding out that my new roommate is only fucking eighteen years old, i have lost faith in her ability to be a close friend of mine.  i know that friendship and hanging out does not need to revolve around drinking, but i can finally fucking go out to bars and clubs and shit and that is what i want to do.  oh well.
just one more year of this college thing...then i enter the "real" world with a "real" job.  mike asked me the other day if i had thought about where i want to work after school.  for the longest time i thought i had everything figured out, but he made me realize that i have not put true thought into my actual career apart from what i MAYBE want to do.  i am probably worrying too much.  or maybe im not worrying enough.  getting a job in milwaukee means having to find an apartment in milwaukee and needing money for that...which i do not have.  getting a job in madison means staying with my mom which is already miserable and would be even more miserable once i am finally an "adult."  holy shit, the stress of the future has really started weighing down on my shoulders.
thinking about my future after college has me simultaneously thinking about the future of my love life.  wouldnt it be so easy if me and lyle worked out and we could get a place together after i graduated so i could have someone to split the cost with and an easy gateway into adulthood.  we have only known each other for a month now.  the more serious things get, the more nervous i get.  i almost feel like i am settling for him because he is the first guy who got my number and took me out to dinner.  i am stuck in an awkward place where he really likes me and i do not want to hurt him, but i genuinely want to continue my search to see what else is out there.  i do not want to get too serious with someone that i do not actually want to have a long future with...and right now i am just so unsure about everything...not because he is a bad guy, but because the little things really matter, and he may not be the one in the small senses.  oftentimes, things feel like they are moving too fast for me.  like last weekend when lyle got super jealous over the fact that i was hanging out with nate, my groomsman.  it feels like i am already sort of...trapped...in a serious relationship.  i just genuinely want to be happy and not have this end badly.  i wish my heart got all fluttery when i was around him, but i often feel a little dead inside.  this is probably just me, though...
occasionally, i entertain the thought of me and austin getting back together.  we have known each other for so long, and he definitely has it made with the army.  wouldnt things just be so simple... he comes home for a visit in december, and he said he really wants to see me.  i genuinely regret never sleeping with him when we were dating, and i would honestly love to make that mistake when he comes to visit (i say mistake for the fact that we are both seeing people currently.)  this is just a random thought.
apart from ranting about my pathetic love life...i have a real story to tell about something that made me think.  the other day, me and lyle were taking a walk through his neighborhood.  this guy (not to mention race, but i believe he was black) beckoned us over to him, because he needed help with some landscaping project he was doing.  i was highly reluctant, but lyle, being the nice guy he is, started to go over.  the guy must have been muslim because he kept saying "praise allah!" he was very outgoing and had such a vibrant personality.  he spoke to us like we were friends rather than strangers.  he called lyle big daddy or something like that.  his whole demeanor put a smile on my face and made me laugh.  anyways, he needed help folding this plastic sheeting so he could lay it down and put rocks over it to edge his driveway.  when we were done helping, he told us a little about himself.  with my bad hearing, i only caught something about his name meaning "the chosen one" and him being in two wars.  not knowing that me and lyle had only known each other for one month, he gave us advice about trusting each other and never lying and whatnot.  overall, it was an enlightening experience.  it felt inspiring being able to trust and help a stranger in a world where we are taught to fear strangers and unknown situations.  it was even more inspiring that he wanted to share himself and his wisdom with us.  i want to remember the little things like this, because i truly do love helping other people and learning from them.
with all of these thoughts and feelings swarming through me, i feel as though it would be an opportune time to construct a poem.  one about fall, death, change, love, etc. i have begun doing something i never used to.  i scrawl out my thoughts in a journal before i actually start writing the poem.  before, i used to just dive head first, and it would come out in final form.  however, it seems as if the words do not flow from me as easily in such a way.  either way, i have a lot of thoughts that need to be released in the form of one or more poems.  i am proud of myself for wanting to take my writing seriously.  a collection of poems is something you can carry with you throughout your life, and it is something my future family could look at and remember me by.  i feel like it would be a genuine accomplishment in my life, even if none of them ever get published.  i have no idea how to get published anyways.  sylvia plath used to simply stick her poems in an envelope and mail them to the editors of seventeen magazine (i wonder what that magazine was like back in the late 20s and early 30s, because it fucking sucks now.)  it cannot possibly be that simple nowadays.
today, i sit listening to acoustic and oldies music.  my mind filled with anxiety as well as inspiration.  although things are dreadfully confusing and a little scary at times, i am still doing better than what i was doing for the past three years.
keep moving forward...