nuptials

so, my brother got married this saturday.  it feels like so much time went into planning the damn thing, and then it was over within a matter of seconds.  i am so happy for him.  however, i do find myself being nervous over whether or not things will work out.  i think i am like that about many things lately, though.  as previously stated in probably all of my recent posts, the future fucking freaks me out lately.  anyways, the thursday before the wedding was the bachelorette party.  it was my first ever bachelorette party, and i presume based on movie comparisons that it was fairly tame.  i mean i did drink two shots of tequila and a few weak margaritas and two small glasses of wine.  we played that card game, cards against humanity, and i felt like the bad girl who knew what most of the cards referred to while my brother's fiance did not even know what road head was (dear lord...).  in spite of the fact that i do not fit in with such an innocent group of girls, i found friends.  it makes me happy that i am becoming more of a chameleon rather than someone who intentionally removes myself from social situations.  the rehearsal dinner was also quite fun.  i got to know my designated groomsman, nathan, a little bit more.  we have met two or three times in the past, but i managed to not talk the entire time.  i could not tell if he was being gentlemanly or flirting the whole time.  he pulled out chairs for me, joked that he got paired with the prettiest bridesmaid, told me i looked beautiful on the day of the wedding, and even messaged me the day after the wedding.  i do not know...a guy like him could never like a girl like me.  he went on my tumblr and read one of my poems.  based on some of my recent posts, he most certainly thinks i am a freak.  i have no idea how anyone lives such a sheltered christian lifestyle.  either way, i only cried a little bit on the day of the wedding, and everything went smooth apart from my awkward encounter with the dance floor in which i likely made a huge ass of myself.
in other important events, me and lyle had our first official fight type thing.  he was extremely jealous of my spending time with other guys.  in his defense, i was intentionally trying to say things that would make him jealous.  i dont know why i keep playing these same old games with guys i am trying to date.  is being happy too boring for me?  i do not even know what my own motivation is.  fighting with him was not a pleasant occurrence, so i have no idea why i went out of my way to cause it.  nonetheless, i did discover how insecure he is and how little trust he has for me or other people.  i keep finding issues now rather than things i actually enjoy.  once again, this may be something i am doing intentionally.  i think i like to ruin things...maybe its the way my heart beats quickly...like it is exciting to not know what the outcome will be.  maybe i like the challenge of trying to remedy the situation after i have completely destroyed it.
it is awkward how lyle is taking a shower in my home while i type out this post.  i seem to constantly be in my own world even in the presence of other people.  for instance, one of the groomsman at the wedding tried to ask me about why i am studying philosophy in school, and rather than answering his questions or opening up an intriguing debate, i chose to think about things in my own head and make a fool out of myself.  i am certain that he thought i had no idea what i was talking about, when in fact, it is a subject i am genuinely passionate about.  i have no idea why sharing myself with others is such a daunting task.  progress comes in stages, and maybe this is something that will fix itself sooner or later...
at this point in time, i almost feel like i am writing simply to pass the time, and i find my thoughts overlapping each other and no longer making sense.  therefore, i shall cease before i start to make less sense that i have already failed to make in the rest of this post.
progression...this is what i so desperately need.