rollercoaster

im in a strange place right now.  oftentimes, i feel like im doing better than ive ever done before.  i feel motivated, inspired, and like im moving forward in the right direction.  i feel as though ive been experiencing joy again for the first time in what seems like forever.  on the contrary, it is clear to see that the emotions ive been trying to submerge are fighting their way to the surface.  "i cannot drown my demons; they know how to swim."  i find myself missing him in the little ways.  i find myself becoming very sad when i think about him.  knowing that its for the better does not exactly help.  i have not yet been able to put my finger on exactly what it is that is making me so sad, but we all knew the breakup would catch up to me eventually.
the other day, lyle asked me what i want in a relationship, and i had no fucking answer to give.  besides trust.  i was able to say that much.  maybe i cant tell him what i want in a relationship because the simple thought of being in a relationship right now seems to scare the shit out of me.  i dont even want to ask him questions because im afraid that i will not like the answers.  i wonder why my mind constantly needs to be in a tug of war battle with itself all of the time.  its constantly racing with thoughts from all over the fucking spectrum.  why cant i just be happy or sad?  one or the other.  maybe if i could stay in one place for long enough, then i could actually start figuring some shit out.  im not sure how i feel about him right now.  there are things about him that make me feel a strong connection.  however, of course, there are things that make me cringe or roll my eyes.  sometimes, its hard to talk to him.  we run out of conversation.  he keeps asking me to be his girlfriend.  like hes in a rush, but its only been three weeks since i met him.  i dont fucking know.
i asked ganske for jacks number last night.  i think it finally dawned on me that i would have zero friends when i moved back to milwaukee.  i know he and i have our quirks, and he often influences me in bad ways.  not to mention the fact that hes connected to people who are connected with zakk.  i dont know.  i guess i just liked how easy it was to laugh around him.  still, i feel like, once again, im starting to go back to all of the things i tried running away from in the first place.  i just cant figure anything out.
i dont know what i am in this moment.  lethargic. apathetic.  i often try to convince myself that this roller coaster of emotions is fun.  that i wouldnt want to live life like everyone else does.  lets be honest, not being able to get your head and heart straight fucking sucks.  especially when youre trying to start new relationships.
tonight i plan on attempting to sketch an outline for the tattoo i plan on getting.  at least i could decide on that.  glad i can make one decision about commitment.  im glad that im being creative again.  i can honestly thank lyle for that.  something about him awoke that part of me.  i just find it strange that i can only be creative when im depressed or numb.  hence, the poem about how depression and sadness are my only fucking lovers.  
right now i just want to be alone, sip on some whiskey, and attempt to produce forms of art that i am actually somewhat proud of.  unfortunately, this is far from reality.  so off i go to be stuck in my head all night and unable to do anything about it.