haze

i dont know why i thought it would be easy in the first place, but i suck at cutting people out of my life.  in spite of how shitty i was treated, i still find a way to miss what i had.  moving on to better things is never simple, and it is all sinking in at once.  i am trying to withstand the weight of everything coming down, but im fairly certain ill crack soon...and it will be a huge mess.
im officially afraid of commitment.  although marriage and weddings have been on my mind a great deal lately (much thanks to aaron and cassie's wedding coming up in two weeks), im suddenly super afraid of trusting lyle and being in a committed relationship with him.  hes absurdly sweet, but im fairly certain he has something hes hiding.  everyone always does...  not like i can expect him to fall in love with me and be perfect within a matter of two weeks...my mind is scattered as well as my heart.  
clearly, common sense would have told me, jumping from one relationship to another is difficult and confusing.  with the exception of my two first relationships in middle school (that hardly counted anyways), my relationships have always overlapped.  i dont think i have ever been officially single since freshman year in high school.  im sure that most people would tell me this is unhealthy.  im sure that i already know that...
i think the fact that school is coming up soon and ill be back in milwaukee again is dawning on me.  i officially have zero friends in the milwaukee area...so i presume it may be difficult to stay away from zakk.  christ knows he already is aware that ill be moving back soon, and he will probably do some crazy stalker thing like hes done in the past.  i cant believe i ever dealt with any of this shit...  it all should be a huge wake up call that more and more changes need to be made in my life.  i need to fucking grow up, make friends, and actually talk to people about my issues.  my last year in college and i have nothing to look forward to...
in this moment, i cannot get my thoughts or feelings straight.  my nerves are kicking in.  relationships are proving to be terribly frightening.  big changes are creeping closer and closer.  i need to muster up some strength quickly before life swallows me up...
this post made zero sense and served the simple purpose of an outlet in which i could vent aimlessly.