ive been through a lot in the past two years since i posted last. last time i wrote on here, i was dating zakk and moving in with two of his friends. well...that blew up in my face like nobodys business. i went through hell for the three years i was in a relationship with him. our roommates were catalysts to some of the worst moments of my life. to make a long story short, zakk was abusive, an addict, and a liar. i almost feel like its not worth going into detail. theres no need to constantly have my gaze set in the rear view mirror. i finally mustered up the guts to end it...and right now, it feels like the end to an entire series of bad choices and actions. i cant place all of the blame on him, even though he definitely deserves the vast majority of it. i became some mutated version of myself while i was with him...i was lying to him, i cheated on him three times and came close to it at least 3 other times, i was acting violent myself. i was out for blood...i swear my only motivation was hurting him back for all of the times he broke my heart.
at the end of it all, im here taking a semester off of school and living back with my mom in madison. when i left milwaukee, i had to put school on hold, quit my job, and forfeit most of my independence. luckily, i was able to find a new job in madison very quickly, and the people i work with are fairly legit. ive been able to save up some money, and my last year of school starts at the end of august. im crazy nervous about graduating and getting a job in my field. i think that maybe ill finally feel fulfilled in life...doing something that my heart actually feels connected to. for the longest time, i had lost my passion, inspiration, and overall love for life. right now, im working hard to regain those things. hence the taking up blogging again. this is one minor step in becoming myself again.
i feel like im not making any sense. my story is all over the place. i mean it is pretty difficult trying to cram two years of my life into one post. i really am doing better right now. in this very moment. i can only hope it stays this way. i often feel like a rollercoaster slowly climbing up a hill, but once i get to the peak, the drop isnt fun like an amusement park ride...i just spiral downward at a rapid pace, and it takes such a long time to crawl my way back up. dropping back down just feels inevitable...i need to find a way to stay at the top forever...or maybe i just need to create blueprints for a new rollercoaster where the drops arent so steep...
i have met another guy, though. his name is lyle. it feels too soon to move on. especially since i didnt decide to stop talking to zakk until i met lyle. i havent had a break between relationships. ive barely had time to cope with what zakk did. i feel almost too calm about it, like its just going to smack me in the face one of these days...hard...but lyle is really great so far. he seems like everything that was missing in zakk. hes a perfect gentleman, which im really not used to. hes constantly telling me how beautiful i am, which i find hard to believe due to my demolished self esteem. hes very handsome himself, and i really enjoy being around him. i find myself worrying about the fact that i dont feel the "butterflies" when im around him though. i also keep worrying about what it would be like to have a future with him. its like im deathly afraid of being in another relationship. im afraid of the end...the rollercoaster plunge...but this guy really does have me thinking about things like dating, moving in together, marriage, even kids...its like the smoke cloud between me and my future has started dissipating since i met him. i just feel like im bound to discover some secret of his or something about him that is going to really hurt me. time can only tell...
its all uphill from here. at least, i hope so.
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