numb

for the sake of nostalgia, i read through some of my old posts, which ive done a million times in the past.  however, this time was different...my heart feels so distant from the past.  my memory is foggy.  i wish my mind stored little film strips of all my past moments so i could see them happening again.  it perturbs me that i cant remember most things, or that my memory of people and events is lacking a serious dosage of emotional attachment to the past.  i dont want to be like that anymore.  i want to be the way i was when i was a teenager and my damn emotions and hormones were running rampant.  i want to feel everything to my core.
i need to shake this pessimism and cynicism.  reading my old posts, i see that i have been this way for a while, and it has just gotten severely worse over the years.  i need my heart to be awaken once again.  i am so fucking mad at myself for letting things get this way.  an overwhelming wave of regret is washing over me in this very moment.  i NEED the future to be different..."im not even sad anymore, im just tired of this place...im not even sad anymore, im just so tired most nights..." thanks to the wonder years for playing in the background and perfectly describing my current sentiments.  i need to shake these fucking cobwebs.  this is my life, and ive already let so much time pass by in a blur...i cant fucking do this anymore.  
i get so determined sometimes.  i make a plan for change, and then i stay stagnant rather than doing the dirty work to fucking move forward.  i dont want to come on here a year from now and write about how i fucked everything up again.  i just miss being a kid...its so cliche to say that the world was simpler back then, but it was.  i could focus so deeply on what i was feeling and the people who owned little stakes in my heart.  what is life as an adult but a series of stressful choices and priorities?
this is me wanting to have a firm grip on the past as i move forward into the future. if that even makes sense...