everchanging

lately, not much has changed. looking back at my last post, the whole world has changed. this is not updated at all. i attempted a post a few weeks ago. i had so much to say but there were some errors and well, here i am.
previous events:
i went to a motion city soundtrack concert with sing it loud, fun, and a rocket to the moon.
also! i went a say anything concert with angels and airwaves.
now that ive seen motion city and say anything, i am ready to die...teehee =]
arranging my thoughts into something intelligent and interesting just isnt going to happen today. however, now is when i have the time and motivation so its going to happen no matter what.
i must kickstart my blogging habit again

oh lord, where to start......

my feelings towards life have been changing. by being a wallflower, i have observed a lot. thats kind of what i do now. i dont really like to participate anymore. maybe its just this place that i am trapped. i feel like i am so far beyond this town and the people in it. i want to leave. i want to be somewhere new. this town has nothing left to offer me but bad memories and hate. i have grown very indifferent to my surroundings. i have discovered that i can fight and fight and fight for my views and opinions. i can try to make things go my way. but that rarely happens and when it does, i find myself very unsatisfied. the picture in my head will never become reality. reality will never equal my expectations and hopes and dreams and aspirations and....

it seems as though nobody listens to the things i say anymore. i notice people looking away when i talk. they even interupt me and start conversations with other people. due to this, i keep most things in my head. i do not discuss the way i am feeling. i try to not express my opinions. i say a lot of "i dont know" and "maybe". i cannot completely blame my friends for our disconnect. i am also the one who let things slide and disappear. it just seems like i am going in a different direction than they are. they all want to go to school events and hang with these kids i am not fond of and all of this other whatnot. i really cannot explain it in the right way. i want to talk to different people; people that dont exist in this town. i have yet to find someone who is anywhere near interested in all of the things that i am. i feel alone and very isolated. i feel as though i have nothing to contribute to peoples conversations.

i want summer. i desire a time to renew. a time where i can just be me. i can do the things i want to do. i can relax. i can be free. i hate all of these deadlines. i loathe the anxiety. i despise the drama. i want to be rid of all of it.

seasonal affective disorder. i am staring at the blue sky. hardly a cloud in sight. according to any therapist, this would mean im supposed to be happy. so why am i apathetic? yes, rainy days and dark clouds typically mean sadness and anger for me. but the sun still cannot save me from my irrational moods. i make no sense to myself. i do believe that no therapist can fit me into their frivolous little categories.

back to summer. i want to talk about my plans.
two days after school gets out, june 11th, ill be boarding a plane to florida and i wont be coming back until june 19th. sometime in july, ill be on my way to california. working on persuading my mom to let me go to LA for a day. i want to snort mountains of cocaine and get lost in the sex, drugs, and disaffection. for sure. also, im hoping to go to michigan (the up) for some sort of camping trip. still not sure if thats actually going to happen or if ill be going. we shall see. if i come back from california in time and can scrape up some money, id love to go to warped tour. i plan on borrowing the first season of true blood from tai. that should occupy me quite easily. i want to get some more money to buy piles upon piles of novels about teen angst, depression, drugs, sex, suicide and all that jazz. i also want to find more time to do my artwork since i find myself to be rather unmotivated and distracted in school. and of course i would be happy if i could find more time for this little thing so i can document my craziness.

oh me, oh my.
i think that is enough for one post. i feel it necessary to expand on a few of these thoughts but not all at once.

to be continued

eventually