brand new

i love how i had everything planned out that i wanted to say but now that i actually get on here i have no clue where to start...
so i finally opened up to my mom last night. it wasnt pretty. i finally got her to accept the fact that yes im bipolar and yes i need to see someone for it. i finally got her to be somewhat supportive and understanding of me. she finally set up a counseling appointment for me. im scared shitless. i was so open to it last night but now that its actually going to happen im scared and i wish you were here to be my support...its hard going through all of these things and not having you here. but i guess thats my own fault. every keeps telling me not to blame myself but i cant help it.
last friday i joined this website called teenhelp.org. to write love on her arms recommended it. its okay i guess. you can talk to other teens and get advice from the staff. i met this boy named josh who lives in massachusetts. he also has a long distance girlfriend so we could relate a lot. however, he only likes to talk about his problems and he never gives me time to talk about mine. i want someone who i can talk with. i dont want to add even more stress and worry to my life. so i guess that kind of sucks mega dick.
but one of the staff on there had a lot of helpful things to say when i talked to her about you. she helped me realize where i was going wrong. but she also told me that not all of it is my fault. i guess i already knew that. im going to try my hardest once this break is over but i need you to do that too. thats something that i cant stop worrying about. im so afraid that once we get back together im going to give it my all but you arent. im not trying to say that you wont try. im just worried that youll be too mad at me to try or that you wont love me anymore when you come back. i just wish i could stop worrying. but i cant. the truth is, im obnoxiously insecure. i need a lot of reassurance. one thing that ive realized, is that ive fucked up a whole lot by doubting you when you say that you care about me and that you need me. i dont know, in my opinion, you show youre caring in different ways that i do. besides, actions really do speak louder than words and i know that if we were together in person then you would have no problem showing how much you care about me. if we were in person, my insecurities would be easier to deal with. but i dont want you to give up on this long distance thing. i realize that a lot of my insecurities and mood problems have been the cause of numerous arguments. but another one of our problems is that we dont know how to talk things over. so im promising you, im going to work on things. ive already been working on things. im going to get help for it. in return, i want you to promise that we will work on our communication. it hurts me that you wouldnt tell me when something was bothering you. thats where you messed up. it hurts me that we are so bad at talking things over. not every argument needs to blow up like that. thats where we have both messed up. i really want you to promise that you will understand what i am going through. i need your understanding. because i cant change on my own. sometimes, im going to need you there to calmly and patiently tell me when you feel like ive messed up. and when i feel like youve messed up, i want to be able to tell you how im feeling without you getting angry. a majority of the time, its just bad communication so we just need to calmly talk things over.
im going to try to change. i promise you that. im already feeling better about this. so i just need you to promise that you will try with me. promise me that you wont give up. promise me that you wont let arguments ruin everything. every couple argues. everyone has told me that. every couple has disagreements. and with long distance it is more common. all we need to do, is work through it. we need to calmly talk about things. so please, please, please, dont give up every time we have an argument. i want to be with you. i need you in my life. you are the only one i love. and youve told me that you feel the same way. so lets make this time better. lets really try this time. im not trying to judge you, but i just feel like youre letting all of this stress get in the way of things. i do that too. i understand that we need our space. its healthy. yet at the same time, i want you to make time for me. dont neglect me. we still have things to talk about as far as you telling me when youre busy and prom. we need to take time to really talk about those things over the phone. im going to try harder to hear you when youre telling me how you feel. im going to try harder to not let my emotions get the best of me. but only if you promise to do the same.
ive made the decision to find a way to get advice about things. long distance relationships are hard. with all of the stress in our lives i think we both need advice every once in a while to understand how we should handle things. we cant do couples counseling when we live hours away. so please, all im asking of you is to try as hard as i am.
i want your support more than anything. i hope you realize how much courage this took for me to make this step. i guess in a way, you leaving for a break was just the push i needed. i needed something to make me realize that i was off the tracks and i was letting my problems ruin my life. but when you come back, i need your support. i realize that this hurts you too. im not sure if this staff member was right, but when im hurting and going through stress and im confused, youre just as hurt and afraid as i am. it was ridiculous of me to rely on you to help me with all of my problems. i still want to be able to talk about things with you but you wont always know what to say. however, the more you understand about what im going through, the easier it will be for you to deal with. i guess its similar to living with an addict. their problem becomes everyones problem. im not putting my problems on you, im just saying that if youre going to be in a relationship with me then youre going to end up dealing with it in some way. its inevitable.
i just need you to promise me that youre going to try. i need to know for sure that you want this. i hate seeing you annoyed and angry at me. it hurts. so i understand that i need to give you space no matter how hard it may be for me. i want all of your bad feelings to be gone by the time you come back.
when i think about you, i only think about good times. and i know because youve told me that you are stuck on the bad things. you are stuck on all the arguments and fights and stuff. weve both made mistakes. but ive forgiven you for yours. so please, im begging you, forgive me for my mistakes and know that i am going to get help so those mistakes dont happen in the future. everyone makes mistakes though, and when you love somebody you need to forgive them and let the bad things go. as my english teacher said, sometimes when you love someone so much and you want to be with them, you overlook the bad. its what you need to do. i love you for who you are. flaws and all.
i need you in my life. so pretty please, promise me that you will try....

next wednesday is the say anything concert. i dont even want to go anymore. i wanted to share this experience with you so badly but i doubt that that is going to happen....without you, i dont even want the experience. its only going to be a bad one if im not talking to you. but its my fault i guess.....

i miss you so much. going through all of this without you has been hell. you never realize what you have until it is gone. i never realized how much i needed you until you were gone. but im going to fix my problems. and once i do, the girl that you fell in love with will shine through. it will be like old times when we never argued. it will be like all of the times when we are happy. i want to be happy with you. you and i both know what it is like when we are happy and we arent worrying about anything. i dont know about you, but those days when we are laughing and talking and nothing is wrong, those days are perfect. those days are what i crave. i want that for our future.
i just wish i knew what you were thinking right now. thats the other thing that makes this so hard. im not sure what you are thinking or feeling....
i just need you here. i miss you.