hangman

my lack of motivation is killing me these days. there are a million things that i long to do but i don't have the strength or effort to make these things happen. school feels like shit every day. it's not something that i care about at all anymore. it's just something that i have to do. i don't even care about getting good grades. i only care about not getting bad ones so i can avoid getting my ass handed to me by my mother. i finally got my license a few weeks ago but i don't even care about that. driving by yourself is lonely. i still don't have a car. i'm a terrible driver. i just don't feel like it's changed my life at all in any significant way.
it feels like nothing is a challenge to me anymore. when something is a challenge, i just do a half ass job of getting through it. instead of actually trying in school, i've just found a way to bullshit through and still make the same good grades as before. the thing that bothers me the most is that i know that i won't get anything out of life if i keep doing this. i want to care about things. i want to care about my life more. i just feel like i've prepared myself for the future so that now it's the only thing i want and i don't care about anything else besides what i've dreamed of for my future to be.
i think that if you were here everything would be different. i wouldn't worry so much. i would be more happy. i would be more active and motivated. i would care a whole lot more about everything. don't get me wrong, i've always cared about you. i never stopped caring about you. but it seems like you're all that i care about these days.
i have so many thoughts running through my head during the day but it seems like once i get on here and i actually start typing, i lose everything. i can't collect myself. i can't get composed. some days, i just feel like a complete fucking mess. i get sudden urges to cry and i can't hold back tears but at the same time, i can't find a reason for why i'm crying. i get waves of emotion, both good and bad, and i can't control them. i get sad, i get hyper, i get lethargic, i get angry. i think it's because of all the secrets i keep. i bottle it all up inside. i keep my thoughts to myself. i don't feel like i can share anything without being judged. why do people have to be so judgmental these days? i'm literally afraid to be myself because i'm afraid nobody will like. i never pretend to be someone i'm not. i just hold back everything that i am.
i am rarely able to describe what i'm thinking or feeling. if someone were to ask me who i am as a person, i would have no idea how to answer. i don't view myself as much. i only view myself how i think other people see me. i think that i'm weird, i'm a freak, i'm emo, i'm crazy. those are the things i hear the most. people don't realize that when you say something mean to someone, even as a joke, that is what they will remember forever. people rarely remember compliments or praise. it's the negative that sticks with someone for life. that is especially true with me. my level of self-worth is like negative. i don't think anyone likes me. i think that every compliment i get is a lie. i'm constantly afraid that the people i love are going to get sick of me and leave. i am so fucking afraid of messing up that i don't even let myself live.
i'm finally starting to deeply consider therapy. i know i need it. i know it's unhealthy what i am doing. but i keep coming up with excuses to not go and to not tell my mom. i know that if you were here you would give me the support i need. you would make this so much easier for me. you would help me tell my mom. you would give me a shoulder to cry on when i need it. you would be proud of me for doing this for myself and for my future.
i still sometimes think that this is all a dream. it's so easy to lose you. i'm afraid that one morning i'm going to wake up and this will all have been my imagination. i'm scared that everything we dreamed for the future won't come true. what if we never get the chance to do all the things we planned? i'm so afraid you're going to change your mind and i'm going to be left all alone. i don't know what i would do then. we've already created the rest of our lives together in our dreams. how does a person recreate and rebuild their future? i don't think i could do that. i just want solid proof that this is possible. i want to know that we can make this happen. i'm afraid that i'm going to crack and fall apart before we get a chance to make our dreams reality. i'm scared that i'm not strong enough.
i need you here with me...