gonna get better

i dont know what im supposed to do when im home alone, no one will text me back, im bawling my eyes out, and i need you so badly....
i know you said you wanted to take a break. and i know i said i would understand. i tried. but the truth is we are two different people in that sense. i dont understand. i dont get how you can go days, weeks without talking to me. i dont get how you say you need me then you want to not talk to me. god, its been really really hard. i know you said you wanted a break so you could have time to think. but when im like this, i have no one else, and youre the only one who would really understand me when im upset like this, i dont know what to do....
i know its a break, but its so hard not knowing what youre thinking and feeling. i get so scared, i get so paranoid. i let me fears get to my head. i dont think you understand how much a simple text from you saying "i love you" or "i miss you" would help. it would make everything better for me. im trying to do this for you. you know how hard this is for me. so i wish you would do something for me. i dont know....
i just really really really wish i could hear you say that you still love me and that you still want to be with me and that you miss me and all of those other things. i want to hear them. when im so eager to get back with you and im feeling so passionate about our relationship, i need to know that you are feeling the same. i need to know how you are feeling in general...
its so hard in times like this when i need you so badly and i dont have you....you really are the only person who could comfort me in a situation like this. just hearing you say that you wish you could be cuddling with me or that you love me, just hearing you call me baby and saying all the things you do to me, it would make this all better. it really would.
i hope you come back soon....
im not sure how much more of this i can take...
its tearing me apart....
i need you so badly...
i so badly want to prove to you that we can be happy...
i so badly want to tell you about all of the things ive been going through lately...
i want to tell you all of my promises
that i promise i will never again doubt you when you say that you love me or care about me or need me
i promise i will never again try to leave this earth before it is my time
i will never again intentionally hurt myself in any way
i will never again EVER blame it on you
i promise that i will do my best to trust you
i promise i will work through the things that happened in my past
i promise i will work through my insecurities
its not fair that you showed me all of this love and i doubted you. its not fair to you that i wouldnt trust you. despite the things that you did to justify my lack of trust, i know you are sorry for what you did. its not fair to you that i would not accept your apologies.
i promise i will never again say it is too late for you to apologize
i will never again doubt you when you say that you are sorry
and i promise, i am so sorry for this, i will never again solely depend on you for help. i will never again get mad at you or make you feel bad when you cant help me or when you dont know what to do.
and i promise i will never again blame everything on you.
im going to get help. im ready to change. i know you fell in love with who i am and the only thing getting in the way with that is my problems. well, ive already made so much progress. ive already realized all that i have done wrong. im already trying to change things.
i would do anything to keep from losing you like this. our time isnt over. this is our perfect opportunity to really be happy. this is the perfect time for us to really love each other with nothing but the distance holding us back. and i refuse to let distance be the only thing that keeps us from dating. because with my issues and your issues aside and us being happy together without the arguing, the distance wont be a problem. i refuse to let you go before weve given our relationship the chance it deserves.
i need you now more than ever to be there with me as i take this huge step in my life. im ready to let go of the past. im ready to shed the shell that i have depended on for so long. im going to get rid of my armor and my wall that ive been building up. im going to stop fighting your love. im going to accept it and im going to give you all of the love, the caring, the support, the consideration, and the trust you deserve. i just need to know that you feel the same. one little "i love you" would go so far...
i hope you come back soon...