the distance grows as the ground approaches

yesterday, i went to the mall with my mom, my boyfriend, and his mom. they had this store called furry babies. i thought it was like a stuffed animal place but when we walked past it had puppies! in cribs!! not from puppy mills!!! i got to hold a miniature husky. she fell asleep in my arms and it broke my heart that i couldn't take her home. i'm definitely going to get a husky when i get older. i'm gonna give it a badass vampire name haha. don't ask. i also want a bulldog named Chub Chub. and a mutt =] and a kitty named Olysaurus. awww animals are cute.

the only thing that sucked about the mall was that i didn't have any money. all i had was 17 dollars in quarters that skyler gave me to buy him gauges. boy, the guy at hot topic, chase, really loved that. literally, he was laughing the whole time. i love people that work there.

sooooo, this week is going to be THEEE most kickass week ever known to mankind. first off, i'm going to be chilling with the girls at the fair, riding rides for a flat fee of 25 dollars =] then i'm also gonna see some of my girlies at my mom's company picnic. may not seem like fun but it really is. also, the best news EVERRR, i'm going to warped tour!!!!!! ahhh!! so, originally, austin's mom was supposed to take us but then she got a new job and had to do training that day so i was bummed as fucking bum fuck egypt. basically, i was not a happy camper. however, two days ago this amazing girl named jasmine who is the girlfriend of this amazing boy named jordan offered to let me and austin come with them to warped tour since her mom was driving and they had two extra seats. yay! austin's mom bought tickets and we are going this thursday!!! god, i've been waiting three years for this =] i swear i'm going to cry for days when i see aiden. no syke.

ahhh i've been alright lately. my three photography projects got first place. one was up for a higher award along with 134 other projects. sadly, it didn't get anything. but, my two drawings also got first place and one of those is up for a higher award. i shall have to see soon what it gets. i also have to wait and see what my curtains and popcan candle holder get.

fair is probably one of my favorite times of the year. yet, it is also a sign that summer is wrapping up. i just need to make the most of the time that is left.

tahdah!

like i said, there were 70 pictures to choose from. this is only 15. my second attempt at photography. tell me what you think?

i wanna be an astronaut and get high...

...break the barrier of sound into the sky...

i'm having trouble grasping the concept of growing up. i still act like a little kid all the time. i don't ever want to let go of being a child. yet, i really want to get older and be free. it's a troubling concept. all i know is that you can't redo things. there are no second chances (unless you believe in magical stuff like that) so you have to live while you can. i really need to stop doing things that i know i'll regret later. i need to do the best that i can and make all my dreams happen. i have no idea why i'm talking about this. it sort of came out of nowhere.

it is the third day that austin has been on his trip to greenbay. he sent me a picture of his friends alex and anthony. haha i'm glad he is having a good time. cept i'm kinda stuck here being bored. i did some work today to earn some money and i plan to do the same tomorrow. yesterday, i volunteered at echo and helped make easter baskets for lil kids. that was nice. i felt good about myself. thursday is going to be the highlight of my break. me and katie are going to chicage =]. friday and saturday are going to be designated to homework. sunday is easter. also, austin comes home on sunday and i am really hoping there is some way we can spend some time together. day 3 of 8.

i really want summer. i know i'm complaining about spring break, but summer is completely different. for one thing, austin hopefully won't be gone all summer. also, it's a lot more time for me to get stuff done that i actually want to do contrary to school shit. i want to try and improve some of my artistic skills. maybe do some photography. take a lot of walks. i have my ideas.

sometimes, i like to imagine that i'm in a different place. a place with all different people, a completely different setting, and sometimes a different me. i seem to imagine these fantasy worlds when life gets tough for me. i guess it's my way of coping. i like to escape and run away. sounds rather crazy though.

*sigh*

...just wanna be free from the confines of gravity

kings of chaos

today is our four month anniversary =]

i feel terrible for not posting in over a month. i kinda miss this place. it's just, i've been quite busy and to be honest, it is rather enjoyable to be caught up in life instead of on the computer.

i do not have any real news. i've been on the down low. looking into shiz so i can learn how to drive. keeping up with school. staying sane. raising money for the american cancer society [which isn't going too well]. yeah, nothing interesting.

spring break is next week =] only one more day left. i don't have any plans. austin is going to greenbay for the week to spend time with all of his friends. i'm okay with that. he hasn't seen them in a while and he prolly needs a good break from me. i just don't want to be alone. i have plans to get me some money so i can buy a new pair of shoes. otherwise, it's going to be a lot of nothing. ha maybe i'll have some time to blog then. alas, you need interesting things to talk about in order to blog and i have none.

i just realized how much i really like my blog playlist.

there are a few concerts coming up soon. i was really looking forward to going to the AP tour this year, cept we never got tickets and almost all of the shows including milwaukee are sold out or close to it. i don't know where the enthusiasm went for that one. straight out the damn window. my regular concert buddy, well, let's just say i don't know what's up with that either but they don't seem to want to go to anything either. therefore, i don't know. i'm done failing at the explaination of this.

eventually, something fun will happen and i will be right back to my blogging habits. until then, you can find me posting daily on twitter.

show me dark and obscene

yesterday i went to chicago with my friend jocelyn and her family, my mom, and one of their friends. jocelyn had a dance competition and i got up at 4 o'clock in the morning. we left at six. we ate at this little breakfast cafe in chi-town then we dropped jocelyn off at the hotel where the dance convention was. the rest of us went shopping for pretty much the whole day. then, we went back to the hotel so we could see jocelyn perform. i love going to chicago, but the mall is not the only sight i want to see while i'm there. next time i go, i want to see lake michigan and whatnot. i love lake michigan. it's gorgeous. actually, i had a lot of fun shopping. it was nice to get stuff not because i needed it but because i wanted it. i don't know if any of you have been to the store urban outfitters but omg that shit was amazing. i loved that store so much. they had these amazing headphones, cameras, books (including the bell jar!), scarves, and some extremely expensive clothes. the only thing i could actually afford was this bood called Futureproof by N. Frank Daniels. i cannot wait to read it.

i'm doing relay for life this year and i'm extremely excited. i'm really happy to be helping out people and i want to raise as much money as possible for it. it's gonna be a blast. =]

it's been quite rainy outside these past two days. i do not enjoy that. i really need the sun right now.

today is my grandpa's birthday. birthday's always remind me of how fast time goes by. march 2nd was mine and austin's 3 month anniversary. time with him just seems to go by ten times faster. the faster things go, the more i don't know who/what i am. i really don't.

i like the sun.

Damn You Look Good, And I'm Drunk

the really big news is that today is mine and austin's three month anniversary =] honestly, i love that boy more and more each day. even tho he didn't buy me tickets to see william control tomorrow >=[ i shall forgive him XD ^_^

in other news, my kitchen remodelling is FINALLY almost done. yay!

it's been such a long time since i've posted and i can't think of much to say

i really want to go shopping. i might be going to chicago this coming weekend. if i do, i am definitely gonna hit up Epic Burger. also, the mall. the only bad thing about this trip is i have nooooo money at all. that sucks balls.

backseat goodbye came to madison, wisconsin last saturday. i was extremely pissed cuz i found out the day of and i was in madison at the same time of his show. life couldn't get any worse. but then i found out it was pre-sold out so i guess that was okay. now, tomorrow william control is coming to milwaukee with some people and they are going to host an after show party at denny's. i so badly want to go but i can't. life just got worse.

things have been going pretty well for me since the last time. i couldn't be more happy. i can't wait for spring =] austin and his mom are planning on moving and they might move closer to me. that means going for walks, going to the park, watching movies, laying in the sun, and spending lots and lots of time together. haha eventually we are gonna get bored with eachother. =]

i think it's the sun. the sun has made things better. now, if only the weather would be a touch warmer. the world would be perfect.

note to self: i need to spend more time with people whose names are NOT austin

pontificating

valentine's day was yesterday. once again, austin had to be a thousand times nicer than he needs to. the lil lover boy bought me a bouquet of yellow roses and this gargantuan stuffed puppy thats holding a heart that says "be mine". it was adorable. i swear i hugged that boy as tight as i could for like 10 minutes straight. ^_^ haha katie, my dearie, got me a beanie baby giraffe and this cute as hell lil lovely love story with dinosaurs. i love those kids. i was sad tho, because i couldn't buy anyone gifts on account of the fact that my mom's birthday is in a week and i needed to save my money for her. i felt really bad. however, valentine's day was amazing nonetheless.

so, a while ago i was talking about people. well, here's an update. i've had an amazing comeback with zac. seriously, we went from zero to like a thousand all over again. and the same exact day that i wrote that post, i saw annie at the mall and we chatted for a while. it was so nice. alas, the other people continue to get worse. hmhm =/

school angers me in many ways. i don't wish to go into detail tho. it might make me even more angry.

i recently discovered that i am a very jealous person. or shall i say rediscovered. i've always been jealous of other people and the things they have. but, now i'm jealous of other people and the people they have. hm, confusing. i don't wanna say anything the wrong way so i just won't say anymore at all. it's nothing like the way i put it.

haha i watched Demetri Martin's new show on wednesday. damn, i love that boy.

stupid winter just won't go away. it urks me >=/

I'm Not A Failure Now

i hope i'm studying for my exams enuf. i just got done writing the notes for the three exams i have tomorrow. i'm pretty confident about my spanish exam. i enjoy that class so it should be easy. i'm scared shitless about global studies honors. the lil mo fo teacher hardly told us what we needed to study and we aren't allowed to have any form of notes for the test. chemisty should be alright. i have a full sheet of notes to use and i think i can get thru it. that's what i have tomorrow. thursday i have geometry honors and health. i have to fill out my notes for geometry. i'm hoping that's not too bad. health, we can use any sheets that he gave us throughout the year. i should survive those. friday i have art and english. i'm not sure what's on the art test, but i'm fucked for english.

so, i was complaining about my gpa earlier. i thought i could do better and i should have gotten a 4.0 instead of a 3.763. well, i realized this quarter that it's completely my fault. i'm just lazy. i could get an A in art this semester, but i decided to blow off my perspective drawing and not do it. my teacher told me today that since i didn't do that, i am for sure going to get a B. so i screwed myself there. does that mean that i'm not smart? no, not at all. it just means that i have a lot of shit on my mind right now and i'm letting it affect my school. therefore, whatever grades i get this quarter, i can completely blame that on myself. what a good feeling.

i really like sarcasm and sarcastic people

all i can think about right now is school

exams

should i study more?

i think i have it all down

should i be more anxious?

i'm too calm right now

fuck!

you guys, i'm so not hanging on here. there's a lot of shit getting to me. my mood is not right. there were a lot of things today that should have been funny, but i didn't even laugh. what the hell is wrong? i can't imagine what i have to be upset about. nothing new at least. yeah, there's a lot of stuff that happened in the past, but that shouldn't be producing this much of a change right now. i have a lot of things going for me right now: the perfect guy, good friends, smarts. maybe....i have no idea.

Shiver Away, I Thought The Action Was Real

one of my mom's friends who is like 30 and can't seem to grow up suggested that i should get a Twitter. yesterday, i decided to take her advice. i was curious. http://twitter.com/zealoutry. the suckish thing is that i know absolutely no one on there. well, i do very much so enjoy following backseat goodbye and texing in random things from my phone. but, it would be 10 times cooler if people actually read it. so, i guess that's an open invite folks.

i have officially decided to blame some of my problems on school. i say this because i don't like the atmosphere of that place. people have so much control over you and i feel like it's just one big competition that i just can't compete in anymore. i wanna be able to do the things i wanna do without worrying about how well other people are doing them. i guess...

we had a second "cold" day today, and, since i got most of my homework done yesterday, i'm gonna head over to austin's house today to spend time with the coolest kid in the universe. =]

I Thought I Loved You-It Was Just How You Looked In The Light

so...
damn what comes after that?
..........

hm let's start with something simple.
my most wonderful and amazing love, austin, ordered me some posters =] lol i was constantly complaining about how i needed an Aiden poster since those guys are gods. so this kid went and ordered me an Aiden poster AND a Gym Class Heroes poster. wow how cool is he? ugh i just don't measure up. i need to give him something in return. like the new The Number 12 Looks Like You cd and the new Drop Dead, Gorgeous cd. =] hopefully that'll be enuf to return the favor. fuck yeah, an Aiden poster is a huge deal.

mmm my problem from my last post isn't completely resolved. however, i've been feeling a lot better lately. in an emotional sense. physically, i'm sick with a sore throat and cough. also, i think i have stomach ulcers. i get stomach aches daily and it's usually a sharp stabbing pain. cept i'm not sure if it's stomach ulcers or something else. cuz there will be times where it doesn't hurt much at all or it only hurts for like an hour a day or not even every day. does it need to be consistent pain in order for it to be stomach ulcers? ugh

i envy any kid who has a good relationship with their parents. me and my dad have just grown apart. he missed the major part of my life so we basically don't know eachother at all. no big deal i guess since i'm getting used to it. one thing i can't get used to is my mom's constant bitching. it's only getting worse. she yells at me for everything. she thinks that just cuz she's an adult means she's always right. she is over controlling and always tries to tell people how they should be living their lives. the yelling never stops. and it sucks. i know it's harsh and everything, but i don't like her at all. not the way she is now. not at all.

oh! and me and katie need to hit up the AP Tour again this year cuz guess whose coming?
3OH!3
Hit The Lights
The Maine
A Rocket To The Moon
and Family Force 5

even tho i only listen to the first three bands, i've heard that the other two are pretty good. so we are going!

Reactions Over Resolutions

mmm so it's the new year and i'm pretty dissapointed in myself. i didn't bother to make any new years resolutions or shit like that. i coulda used to do that also. i have a lot to improve on, but oh well. =/

my new years eve was pretty kickass =] me and katie went over to austins house to hang out with him and his friends. it was a pretty stellar time. lots of yelling, some partial nudity, phonebook ripping and burning, walking in the extreme cold, blanket adventures. i liked it a whole lot ^_^

today is the last day of winter break and i am less than enthused. once we get back to school i have to start studying for semester exams and i think i'm going to do horrible =[ also, i procrastinated on some shit over break which means i'm going to have to haul ass in order to get it done in time. i piss myself off. i wanted to spend a large portion of my break hanging out with people which was cool, but i had a lot of empty space in between that i just wasted and now i'm fucked >=/

i've been feeling sick a lot lately. i get stomach aches pretty much everyday. but i'm too stubborn to go to the doctor cuz i'm scared shitless of hospitals.

i don't know if i've mentioned this already, but i am definitely ready for some spring action. i love winter, i really do, but the gray skies and the constant coldness just got boring to me. i need sun and grass and bright thriving colors. just as long as it isn't too hot =]

so i'm gonna be going with austin pretty soon here to take his posse back home. haha i actually find myself wishing that they lived here. as crazy and loud as they may be, they are some cool kids =] AND I MISS AUSTIN LIKE HELL! so i NEED this trip [=

Today's Not Over If Tomorrow's Still The Word You Use

winter break has been going pretty okay. could be a tad more exciting or fun, but i can't do much about that.

christmas was nice. i got a few shirts that i really like. a sweatshirt. some random jewelery. a new i pod, which i was not expecting at all. however, my favorite gifts included a cute wind up dinosaur from katie. and a super pretty necklace from austin ^_^ besides all the gifts, it was a usual christmas. i didn't do much all day except go to my grandparents' house and help make dinner. all my aunts and uncles and cousins came over and we just spent some time together. same as every year. i think next year i would like to do something small. no big traditions. no huge dinner. i don't even want it to be all about gifts. i just wanna spend time with all of my favorite people. and i want the sun to be shining =]

i'm pretty excited for new years eve to come. i went with austin and his dad yesterday on a roadtrip. we trucked all the way up to oshkosh to meet austin's friends from greenbay/de pere. haha i'll admit that they are some crazy awesome kids. they made me laugh a lot. me and katie are going to go over to austin's house on new years eve to chillax with him and his friends. it going to be pretty simple and fun. =] i just can't wait to see my two favest people in the universe.
so i can't stand one minute away from this boy. it's pretty obnoxious how much i really love him. he's real. he doesn't try to be someone he's not. he's funny and entertaining. he's way too sweet =] and i have no idea how i got so lucky. honestly. ♥austin belke

i'm in the process of not enjoying either of my parents. my dad just isn't a dad. my mom is too controlling. both of them seem to make decisions based on how happy they are. it's like they have forgotten their kids. my dad still drinks. my mom yells all the time. one step forward, three leaps back.

so, winter break has been pretty okay. in my opinion, i haven't been getting out enuf. but, i blame that on my overcontrolling mother who can't trust me worth shit. it's cool. with the few days that i have left, i still need to get all my shit done for school cuz i like to procrastinate. story of my life. at least it's been sunny the past two days =] it keeps a smile on my face.

So...

i've lost my luster
i'm running out of interesting things to say
boooooo

mmm so i cannot wait for christmas =]
or new years eve/new years
or tomorrow
or friday

tomorrow i'm going to katie's house to play some wii and whatnot. i miss her to the extreme! but i'm sooooo happy that winter break is here. i get bored with people and things easily so school was seriously starting to piss me off. i thought i was going to burn that shit down if i had to stay another second longer. i really did need a break. so yes, tuesday, cannot wait =]

then christmas! i can't wait to open my presents! haha i made a pretty detailed list this year and i think people got me some nice presents for once this year so i can't wait.

friday! i'm going to go see a movie with austin. there's this one called the spirit [http://mycityscreams.com/] that i think looks really awesome. i'm pumped.

new years! me and katie are going to go to austin's house for a lil get together. he has three of his friends coming down from greenbay/de pere and i'm really excited to meet them but i'm also nervous cuz i think they might find me dorky. haha! i could care less. ugh it's gonna be a blast.

okay okay. backtracking a lil bit. we had a snow day friday and i was ecstatic. it was a really good thing too, because my hair straightener broke that morning and i was about to go into cardiac arrest. so, i made an emergency trip to target and got this really cool hair straightener that is my favorite color of blue =] i had a hard time throwing away my other one tho because it was a really nice hair straightener and i have no idea how it busted. any who, i also got this amazing pair of super yellow sunglasses. haha i wore them today cuz it's really sunny outside. i love target. live savers.

lots of things to look forward to =]

Destination: Setting Sun

i sometimes wish i didn't steal most of my blog titles from songs. especially when i don't remember what song i stole it from. this one is from a song by The Academy Is... off their newest album. it reminds me of The Matches. if your name is katie biester then i'm sure you're catching my drift.

we had a snow day today =] i can't decide if i enjoy this or not. i really like snow, but not when it's a shitload of snow. plus, this means i can't see austin today [or any of my other friends of course]. however, i get to listen to music all day and catch up on some things like blogging and reading and watching tv. haha cuz i never get a chance to do those things anymore. i swear, i went almost a month without listening to my ipod. that's crazy business.

speaking of austin, me and him are going to see a movie this weekend. our plans still aren't final like about what we are seeing and whatnot. he's such a sweet kid tho. he offered to pick me up and take me home and pay for everything. haha ^_^ alas, my mom is being kinda prudish about the whole thing. she won't let him pick me up and drop me off. she's gonna drop me off at the theater and pick me up when the movie is done. which sucks cuz we wanted to go to the mall afterwards and chill. but she said no to that. she also said no to us hanging out today cuz she doesn't know him enuf and she can't trust me apparently. i'm kinda scared that he might break up with me if my mom is constantly telling me i can't hang out with him. ugh!

i don't but i do understand why PDA bothers a lot of people. yeah, public displays of affection can gross some people out but i've never seen it as such a big deal. honestly, a hug and a kiss or two is nothing to censor. haha maybe it's cuz i participate in PDA. yesterday after school me and austin stood at my locker hugging and whatnot for the longest time. not like we were making out. i wouldn't do that in public. all i'm saying is that people need to stop being so stuck up about things. live a little.

haha this kid makes me happy. no syke. i'm excited for christmas break. on my list of people to spend time with: katie, jocelyn, and austin. i might wanna do something with tai if she wants to do something with me. i haven't hung out with jocelyn in a while. that makes me sad. i love hanging out with katie and i hope she wants me over at her house cuz i plan on going over there either way =] haha i'm just playing. and of course i wanna hang with austin. i'm gonna get him UnderOath's new album [deluxe edition hopefully] for christmas cuz i'm not making it to a hot topic anytime soon and i know he is really into them and doesn't have that cd yet. he asked me what i want but i keep saying he doesn't need to get me anything cuz i always feel awkward when people other than my family give me gifts. idk y. i also need to get jocelyn something but i'm not sure what. hmhm

i have no idea why my art class is so eventful. a few days ago i mentioned to my teacher that i might want to be an art therapist and i guess she is really into that. she showed me her entire display of "art therapy" drawings in the hallway then she did a picture for me and let me work out my problems. i ended up feeling really good after that. and in fact, i managed to work out that problem so i'm really happy. i'm gonna tell her all about it tomorrow if we have school. anyway, so after that tai wanted me to do some art therapy for her so i could get some practice. i did and she and my teacher said it was a very good start. i'm still not sure if that's exactly what i wanna do but at least i know that i've got some support going. i think my art teacher is turning into my favorite teacher. she reminds me of mrs. semrad in some ways minus the strict boundaries.

mmm i've been really happy lately =]

"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem," said the knuckle to the concrete

art class was a bitch today because my wonderful teacher told me i was doing my self portrait wrong. not like i didn't already know this, but i was hoping she wouldn't point it out. apparently, i'm really good at using lines but now i need to create valuse instead of lines with the charcoal. it's such a freeing experience. i'll feel great once i'm done. lmao idk what i think about that woman.

i got my backseat goodbye shiz came yesterday like i knew it would. i hung up my mini poster and wore my shirt today. =]

i wish i had more to write about but i kinda don't lol
the real highlight of my day was that austin asked me out this morning. =] i was kinda caught off gaurd cuz i didn't think it would happen that fast. but of course i said yes and now i'm really happy. but i did the whole thing where i acted really shy and whatnot around him. i'll fix that =] he's really sweet. he walked me to a lot of my classes and held my hand ^_^ lol and he asked for my number and he's texting me right now. i'm a happy camper you guys.

Someday I Will Wake Up And Realize I Made Up Everything

Question: how long does it take for someone to recover from an appendectomy?
Answer: approximately a week

that's important shit to know =] so yeah, austin was back at school, for which i was ecstatic. haha it was the usual day. cept when i went with tai and her friend jessie to her 7th hour [so i could visit austin cuz that's his class also] he was totally trying to make conversation. like asking me and tai what we were up to. i guess we were looking kinda suspicious. lol but then when we went to go and leave, this weird kid angel stopped me right by austin and told everyone that i was his best friend. i was just like "ugh i am not your best friend, angel" but yeah so right as i was bumping past austin ^_^ angel told him, "hey, she has a crush on you" and austin was all like, "oh does she?" and i bolted out that door haha! so idk if that was helping or hurting on angel's behalf but that kid is a weirdo. and i never got a chance to tell austin that i missed him while he was gone, but i think that's okay.

also, i ordered my backseat goodbye stuff on friday maybe, so it should be coming any day now. and i ordered my twloha shirt yesterday but it's on back order so i won't get if for a lil under a month. that will be like a late christmas present. but i'm super excited to get my backseat goodbye stuff! =D

in other news, it snowed on sunday and i was very happy about that. except it wasn't sunny outside today so i didn't get to see the snow glisten. everyone wants a snow day but i'm all like "no way" cuz for some odd reason i like going to school =]

Tragedy Bound

um i don't think i really know exactly what to talk about in this post. well, i'll start off by saying that i ordered all of my backseat goodbye stuff and i hope it comes very soon. also, today was very depressing yet fun at the same time. that's kinda how all of my days are lately. something will be bothering me a whole lot, but then my friends will usually provide some unintentional comic relief and i feel better.

my birthday was sunday and there isn't really anything to report about on that day. however, i'm obnoxiously upset about the fact that i've only been sent one birthday card. that shows how much my family cares. i was previously informed that a majority of them don't even know when my birthday is anyway. lovely.

austin, whom i have spoken of before, wasn't at school today. i was slightly upset by this cuz i hardly get to see him, but i was willing to live thru it. however, i found out in art class that he almost died the night before and had to have an emergency operation to remove his appendix. it's good to know that he is still in the hospital but doing well. i was also willing to live thru that. on the contrary, i realized that i'm not close to him at all and will probably never be. there i go giving up again but it's kinda true. we don't have any classes together and we never actually talk. i also discovered today that he had previously gone out with samantha fucking campbell. that's real nice. so i'm not his type anyway. i really don't think people take me seriously when i say that i like him or when i talk about him. they just dismiss it like some childish crush. oh how wonderful.

also during art class today, as i was being down about my new revelations, my art teacher found it necessary to have a tough love speech with me. i am a very slow worker in that class mostly because i never want to work. i'm always too busy thinking about everything else. she basically told me that i needed to stop looking around and comparing myself to everyone else because i have talent but that talent doesn't matter if i'm not willing to put forth the effort and i will be graded according to that. beautiful beautiful. i wanted to cry. i literally had to take a few seconds to compose myself. she's the kind of teacher that pushes the kids that she sees potential in but everyone else gets to have a free for all and do what they want. in some ways she can be like a mother to me. the tough love thing. and i don't think i've ever had a teacher tell me how good i am at something and tell me not to throw it away. especially at something that i really do want to excel in. she was kinda right. if i don't stop comparing myself to everyone else then i'm going to end up throwing away everything.

it was truly a horrible day for me. that is, until i got to english class and me and katie laughed away the entire hour. she's always the person to put me in a good mood. no psych.

ad astra per aspera

i'm sorta upset about my grades in school. i didn't go to conferences because no one could take me [which makes me slightly more upset] so i did not receive my reportcard. but i know enuf to see that i didn't get a 4.0 or anything like that. i got a few A-'s and a B which really does upset me cuz i know i could have and i should have done better. i might as well abolish this post's title that i loved so much before because it does not suit me. i get frustrated when things do not come to me easily and it brings me down when i see my friends just flying by everything like it's no work at all.

my friend taylor has kinda been pissing me off lately. she always seems so involved with herself. sometimes she can't even take two seconds to say hi to me when i see her. i can never talk when i'm around her because she's always too busy telling her own stories. and whenever i want to talk to my other friends, she's already talking their ears off. i feel very neglected when that happens. just like i feel neglected when i'm walking with my friends in the hall but they form a line and leave me behind. ugh. however, i seem to really be enjoying my friend tai right now. she's just really easy to talk to and she's really funny. also, she knows what sort of things bother me and what makes me laugh my ass off. i remember in past years we used to butt heads a lot cuz we are both opinionated people, but lately we seem to be putting our thoughts together and that makes up for taylor's ego.

my birthday is this coming sunday. November 23. and honestly, i can't say i'm excited or anything. i already got a majority of my gifts early. my mom made the concert in october my birthday present. my dad gave me money to buy t-shirts at the concert. and my grandparents purchased me a wonderfully expensive [$80] coat. i don't even think my brother has considered buying me a gift yet. but presents don't matter too much to me. i'm kinda happy to be one year older but at the same time it's like another year of my life wasted. where does the time go nowadays?

so that alex kid that i've been talking about lately. the one from my homecoming group. i finally got his number and we have been texting mostly every day. just simple lil conversations. i really like this kid you guys [and apparently his family can't keep a secret cuz dave told him i liked him] but i just don't think anything will come of this. i guess i was wrong in thinking that since his entire family is catholic he is a catholic. i found out that he's not. idk what to think of this like if he's still really religious or not. either way, i am not very religious at all and i don't think he likes swearing much and i do that a lot. plus, he's really into basketball and exercising and dance and i don't do anything. basically, we are sorta two different people and i can't see the forest for the trees. but i'm not going to dwell on the little things and give up. he's still a cool friend. [aw fuck, i just gave up]

it seems like i don't just do anything for fun anymore. i'm always just focusing on school and homework and other shiz. i don't know. so there's this kid at school named austin. lol he's pretty obnoxious and i'm really cool with that. i've never actually held a conversation with him or anything but i still think he's cool. he likes the foo fighters, the devil wears prada, and drop dead, gorgeous. and apparently he wants to be a ninja when he grows up. so i look forward to passing him in the halls a million times before class starts in the morning. and here's the thing, i don't care what anyone else thinks of him. i don't care if people don't see him as anything special or if people don't think he's hot cuz he's hilarious.