i wish that i could sleep forever. nothing i say will ever fix things. so many people have told me to let you go and it seems like you dont want me...should i keep fighting? i wish you would see how much i care and how much im sorry for the trouble ive caused.
you know about my problems. ive trusted you with everything. ive shared my secrets, my faults, and you promised you would never leave me. you promised you would stand by me through everything. you told me you loved me so much and you cared. lately, you dont say that anymore...and i wish you could see how much this hurts. im not the type of person to be clingy and pathetic over someone. i cant help myself when it comes to you. i trusted you, you told me things i couldnt resist, we were in love...
ive been so stressed. im touchy when you say certain things. i even told you that. yet, you get so angry and you tell me how stupid i am. you tell me im dumb for the way i feel. you tell me you want to give up. you shit talk me behind my back. you blame me for ruining your relationship when all i ever did was help. i saved your relationship once and i wonder if you even remember that. you tell me i cant talk to your girlfriend when shes the only one who can possibly understand what ive been going through with you.
we have a secret that no one will ever know. does that even matter anymore? are things even the same? or are you completely done with me? you blamed me for all of this. i took the fall when everyone else was upset about our problems. you didnt even care because you honestly think i caused all of this. you cant stand it when someone points out one of your flaws. youll never say your sorry and mean it. now, i wonder if you ever meant those promises. if you ever meant it when you said you loved me. we were so quick to love, and youre so quick to hate.
i would do anything to keep from losing you...no matter how wrong it is. i just cant fathom the fact that you loved me so much...and now you just want to get me out of your life. how did this even happen? one bad week...
new years is coming up. we had so much planned. watching the breakfast club, eating oreo cereal, and sooooo much more. i would do anything to reverse time. i told you i would drop everything i have for you and i meant it. you never felt that way...
i feel like i just fell for a whole bunch of lies...i cant even express how i feel in the proper way.
i wish my life was like a vampire romance. this vampire guy comes to town and immediately spots the needy and refrained girl. he would never judge her. he knows shes the only one who would understand. he would never hurt her. when he says he loves her, he means it. he would literally have his world come crashing down in order to please her...no matter how much she pushes him away, hell always be there when she beckons him back to her. he understands her completely. he is so patient.
vampires will never hurt you...
Monday, December 21, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
untitled
this needs a lot of work. much revisions and possibly additions. most likely doesn't follow many rules of poetry either. oh well. i am a little rusty so i guess it works.
the air so cold it could pierce
my skin, so delicate.
the face i wear is fierce.
from my eye, falls a droplet.
it's all a masquerade
as i watch my life fade.
hearts as black as coal.
i find it hard to see.
a lost and troubled soul.
what is left for me?
but could you watch me go?
my skin as white as snow.
like ten different people
trapped in a single figure.
i'd soon climb the tallest steeple,
begging God, "take me to the azure,".
when i've forgotten who i am,
you bring me right back again.
love found in the most curious of places,
hidden from the world in secrecy.
a never ending chase.
who holds my heart and the key?
someday, i'll figure everything out.
until then, please hold me from my doubt.
the air so cold it could pierce
my skin, so delicate.
the face i wear is fierce.
from my eye, falls a droplet.
it's all a masquerade
as i watch my life fade.
hearts as black as coal.
i find it hard to see.
a lost and troubled soul.
what is left for me?
but could you watch me go?
my skin as white as snow.
like ten different people
trapped in a single figure.
i'd soon climb the tallest steeple,
begging God, "take me to the azure,".
when i've forgotten who i am,
you bring me right back again.
love found in the most curious of places,
hidden from the world in secrecy.
a never ending chase.
who holds my heart and the key?
someday, i'll figure everything out.
until then, please hold me from my doubt.
Monday, November 30, 2009
walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave
i feel like its hard to rely on anyone these days. as soon as i get close to someone, that person finds a way to let me down. whether they realize it or not. or maybe i just take things too personally. i find myself trying to ponder the things that people do. not too in depth but i just want to see and understand. why this person loves this other person. why that person cant say whats on their mind. why i cant either...
listening to my ipod on shuffle is dangerous business. i start out listening to something dance/pop-punk and im in a good mood. then, it always turns sour and so do i. i need someone around to keep me from doing these things to myself. i know its bad to stay home by myself, but i insisted on it tonight. its not doing me much good.
id rather see the good in a bad person than the bad in a good person. i critique people too much and when i end up being right about them, i rarely feel proud of the work ive done. thats why i want to be a therapist. i want to be there to bring out the light from within a dark soul. that is all i want to do. i never again want to pick apart a person until i hate them so. alas, i cannot help myself. i dont see why people like me.
im still a jealous person. things havent changed much here. one day, ill find comfort in reality. until that day, im a miserable mess. sometimes, a hot mess but thats only on those rare days that show themselves when people actually decide to give a crap and act like the person they say they are. oh lordy.
i think that other peoples drama is kinda hilarious yet a nuisance at the same time. i think other people should just shut up.
by the way, im having trouble accepting winter. its such a happy time. therefore, i beckon it to come forth. then again, i despise wearing winter clothes and im not very fond of cuddling these days so that does me no good.
i went to a concert the other day. there were a lot of couples in the crowd holding eachother and kissing. im not a romantic in the least. lately, i just find that pathetic. i think im just bitter.
i like swearing but when people do it too often and out of context, i just hate it. i think other people should stop making me loath all the things i used to love. i blame other people for causing all the problems i have. you all are the reason i am the way i am. im just the one who chooses to do nothing about it. but that doesnt make it my fault. its not my fault, its never my fault.
listening to my ipod on shuffle is dangerous business. i start out listening to something dance/pop-punk and im in a good mood. then, it always turns sour and so do i. i need someone around to keep me from doing these things to myself. i know its bad to stay home by myself, but i insisted on it tonight. its not doing me much good.
id rather see the good in a bad person than the bad in a good person. i critique people too much and when i end up being right about them, i rarely feel proud of the work ive done. thats why i want to be a therapist. i want to be there to bring out the light from within a dark soul. that is all i want to do. i never again want to pick apart a person until i hate them so. alas, i cannot help myself. i dont see why people like me.
im still a jealous person. things havent changed much here. one day, ill find comfort in reality. until that day, im a miserable mess. sometimes, a hot mess but thats only on those rare days that show themselves when people actually decide to give a crap and act like the person they say they are. oh lordy.
i think that other peoples drama is kinda hilarious yet a nuisance at the same time. i think other people should just shut up.
by the way, im having trouble accepting winter. its such a happy time. therefore, i beckon it to come forth. then again, i despise wearing winter clothes and im not very fond of cuddling these days so that does me no good.
i went to a concert the other day. there were a lot of couples in the crowd holding eachother and kissing. im not a romantic in the least. lately, i just find that pathetic. i think im just bitter.
i like swearing but when people do it too often and out of context, i just hate it. i think other people should stop making me loath all the things i used to love. i blame other people for causing all the problems i have. you all are the reason i am the way i am. im just the one who chooses to do nothing about it. but that doesnt make it my fault. its not my fault, its never my fault.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
it's all in your goodbyes
can i start by saying i hate the fact that nobody reads this? it's exactly like talking to a brick wall. in all reality, i prefer the brick wall to actual people because the brick wall can't attack you or judge you or any shit like that.
i don't mean anything i say anymore. i never stick with what i say. i find it hard to believe myself when i talk. i won't deny things to other people, but i lie to myself each and every day. it's a protection service for myself. i need to find some sort of comfort or else i'll be seeing the end soon.
i don't know if i can continue helping people with their problems anymore. it's too much of a hassle for my dying soul. i don't know if i can rely on anyone anymore because the second things take a turn for the worse, i'm forced into a state that i can't even explain.
i'm angry at my father who only texted me on my 16th birthday and got drunk and failed to pay child support yet again. i really wanna know what the fuck i did to deserve this. why god decided to place this burden and everlasting pain on my shoulders. i wanna know why i can't cope, why i struggle, why i feel lost and lonely every single day. it's amazing how one person can do this to another. we all die. i cannot say what happens when we do. i just hope i no longer have any worries, pain, anger, anxiety, stress because i've had about all i can take.
i know a lot. i know every fault i have. i know every strength i have. i know what's wrong and right. i know how things should be. alas, i feel that this is all useless to me.
i can't believe i let other people's problems ruin my birthday yesterday and my good day today. i care a lot more than i should. it's immense the level of caring i hold. it is also immense the level of shit i get from the people i care about. i don't know exactly what i mean by that because i'm not sure if it's true.
everything depends on the day for me. what i like, how i act, what upsets me, what i do. i find it hard to hold a relationship with people because of this. nobody has the capacity or understanding to deal with me. and when they do, i fuck it up. they fuck it up. i lose everything i have.
i'm not sure anymore. the second something feels right to me, i get told it's wrong. the second i'm sure of something, i either pull myself away or someone else does. it's like i'm destined to fuck up. my belief in god depends on the day too. it's hard to believe in something that is supposed to love you when your life is shit. when i do believe, all i can do is ask why. god, if you have a reason for this, i need to know now. i honestly cannot handle this. do you see me falling apart? do you see my mistakes? do you see my regrets?
does anybody see anything? or do they just choose to ignore it because that is the only way to maintain normality. it's they only way they can make themselves feel better so they don't have to live each day with a burden on their shoulders. it's the only thing any of us can do to keep our heads straight.
this world...sometimes i wish it had never happened.
i don't mean anything i say anymore. i never stick with what i say. i find it hard to believe myself when i talk. i won't deny things to other people, but i lie to myself each and every day. it's a protection service for myself. i need to find some sort of comfort or else i'll be seeing the end soon.
i don't know if i can continue helping people with their problems anymore. it's too much of a hassle for my dying soul. i don't know if i can rely on anyone anymore because the second things take a turn for the worse, i'm forced into a state that i can't even explain.
i'm angry at my father who only texted me on my 16th birthday and got drunk and failed to pay child support yet again. i really wanna know what the fuck i did to deserve this. why god decided to place this burden and everlasting pain on my shoulders. i wanna know why i can't cope, why i struggle, why i feel lost and lonely every single day. it's amazing how one person can do this to another. we all die. i cannot say what happens when we do. i just hope i no longer have any worries, pain, anger, anxiety, stress because i've had about all i can take.
i know a lot. i know every fault i have. i know every strength i have. i know what's wrong and right. i know how things should be. alas, i feel that this is all useless to me.
i can't believe i let other people's problems ruin my birthday yesterday and my good day today. i care a lot more than i should. it's immense the level of caring i hold. it is also immense the level of shit i get from the people i care about. i don't know exactly what i mean by that because i'm not sure if it's true.
everything depends on the day for me. what i like, how i act, what upsets me, what i do. i find it hard to hold a relationship with people because of this. nobody has the capacity or understanding to deal with me. and when they do, i fuck it up. they fuck it up. i lose everything i have.
i'm not sure anymore. the second something feels right to me, i get told it's wrong. the second i'm sure of something, i either pull myself away or someone else does. it's like i'm destined to fuck up. my belief in god depends on the day too. it's hard to believe in something that is supposed to love you when your life is shit. when i do believe, all i can do is ask why. god, if you have a reason for this, i need to know now. i honestly cannot handle this. do you see me falling apart? do you see my mistakes? do you see my regrets?
does anybody see anything? or do they just choose to ignore it because that is the only way to maintain normality. it's they only way they can make themselves feel better so they don't have to live each day with a burden on their shoulders. it's the only thing any of us can do to keep our heads straight.
this world...sometimes i wish it had never happened.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
seasons
my bipolar disorder has become more prominent in these past few months. there isnt much i wish to do about it. the worst part is that i know everything about my problem and i can put a name to all the stages and emotions but im helpless. you guys, its really not as bad as im making it out to be.
ive been alright. not too productive. thats not always a bad thing. i sleep like shit every night cuz i go to bed at indecent hours. ive been staying up talking to my boyfriends best friend. he recently told me about his feelings for me and i cant deny the fact that i have them too. its very confusing. i dont know how to handle the situation. all i can do is feel guilty about it. yet i enjoy talking to him. so its a guilty pleasure. i finally know what that means now.
my 16th birthday is tomorrow. i got my first surpirse birthday party ever. it was small but thats good because i hate large gatherings. i get panic attacks easily.
i dont really know what i want right now. im just going with the flow because there is no use trying to figure things out when im so emotionally out of control.
its really no big deal.
ive been alright. not too productive. thats not always a bad thing. i sleep like shit every night cuz i go to bed at indecent hours. ive been staying up talking to my boyfriends best friend. he recently told me about his feelings for me and i cant deny the fact that i have them too. its very confusing. i dont know how to handle the situation. all i can do is feel guilty about it. yet i enjoy talking to him. so its a guilty pleasure. i finally know what that means now.
my 16th birthday is tomorrow. i got my first surpirse birthday party ever. it was small but thats good because i hate large gatherings. i get panic attacks easily.
i dont really know what i want right now. im just going with the flow because there is no use trying to figure things out when im so emotionally out of control.
its really no big deal.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
bippity boppity boo
soooo, i was reading all of my older blog posts and i gotta say that it made me really happy. it reminded me of how random i used to be and when i used to talk about katie all the time and it led me up to the days when i met austin. i was such a happy kid. it inspired me. when i was reading, i saw one happy post followed by a sad post followed by a happy post. basically, things change and nothing is forever. my favorite parts were when i talked about art class, all the nice vocabulary and stuff i used, and just all the random accounts of things i did. you guys, this kid has a long way to go. she's in the middle of some prime suffering years. alas, these will help her grow and become a strong individual.Tuesday, October 13, 2009
you're right and i was wrong
i do not exactly enjoy the way things are in this moment. i don't have my friends situated, my relationship situated, my emotions situated. i'm holding back once again. i'm faking happiness day to day because no matter what face i wear, my heavy heart is still a burden. i know where all my problems come from yet i find it hard to explain. i'm afraid of facing my fears and all the things i've hidden for many years. there are things i've erased from my mind unconciously when i was a child. i'm a shell that nobody can crack. if i do crack, nobody is going to like what comes out. i feel like a trouble to everyone, like i'm in the way. i feel as though everyone is sick of hearing me whine. the sad thing is that i'm clearly crying for help yet i reject the only 2 or 3 people who offer it to me. emotions fade in and fade out. i'm a bipolar mess. no use hiding that anymore. no use hiding anything anymore now that i wear my heart on my sleeve. no use sharing anything because i can't trust anyone. i'm one contradiction after another. my personality doesn't make sense nor do my thoughts.
i'm sick of being around a clusterfuck of fake. people who are trying to act one way when everyone else knows that isn't who they are. why are they so unaware of what people say about them? is it because they refuse to believe? i'm sick of people who tell me one thing then act another then leave me for god only knows what reasons. i'm sick of people who i loved at some point in time yet they didn't love me back. now, all of a sudden, they decide to come around but it's too late. i've moved on. or have i?
i'm sick of wanting to break out and just tear up this scene but being too afraid. i want so badly to just get out there and party but then i tell myself i won't have fun. i'm my own worst enemy.
i can't remember the last timei was truly happy and i know that statement will hurt someone if they read it but why should i lie?
all in all, i hate who i am.
until further notice,
assume the worst
i'm sick of being around a clusterfuck of fake. people who are trying to act one way when everyone else knows that isn't who they are. why are they so unaware of what people say about them? is it because they refuse to believe? i'm sick of people who tell me one thing then act another then leave me for god only knows what reasons. i'm sick of people who i loved at some point in time yet they didn't love me back. now, all of a sudden, they decide to come around but it's too late. i've moved on. or have i?
i'm sick of wanting to break out and just tear up this scene but being too afraid. i want so badly to just get out there and party but then i tell myself i won't have fun. i'm my own worst enemy.
i can't remember the last timei was truly happy and i know that statement will hurt someone if they read it but why should i lie?
all in all, i hate who i am.
until further notice,
assume the worst
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
well thought out twinkles
it makes me sad that i don't blog on a regular basis but i don't have anything to blog about! i am not an exciting child anymore. sighhh. you could always email me =]
i recently learned how to take pictures on a pinhole camera. it's extremely cool if any of you know what that is. basically, it's a cardboard box with a piece of copper that has a tiny hole in it. you put light sensitive paper in the camera and once you uncover the hole, whatever image you are facing will go through the hole and be reflected onto the light sensitive paper but it will be backwards and in negative black and white. yes, that is always fun to explain to everyone when they ask why i'm carrying around a box. so far, i've only developed one picture in the dark room and i think it's a badass pic. i'll get it on here someday once i figure out how to. i took another one but i need to develope that. if it doesn't turn out i'll cry.
so, i'm gonna complain about my lack of extra curricular activities again. i might not be doing 4-H next year cuz all m friends are quitting. i could slap those dumb children. i think i'll do it anyways just so i can do photography and drawing and painting. art is what i live for anyways. i also need to learn how to join the national art honor society at school but i'm too afraid to ask. soooooon!
i failed my first huge test in ap american history. yeah, it makes me extremely sad cuz two of my friends got the highest scores in all the classes. that was embarrassing. i don't know what else to say on that matter. i was extremely upset at first but i think i've gotten over it. school isn't everything in life and no, i'm not perfect.
truth,
i secretly wish every guy would like me as more than a friend
truth,
i extremely enjoy scene boys
truth,
i believe i act like a kid a lot because i missed out on so much of my childhood
truth,
i hate anyone who is remotely like me because i like to think i'm one of a kind
truth,
i like boys better than girls when it comes to friends
truth,
i don't try my best because i'm afraid to see what could be
truth,
i want to be famous when i grow up
truth,
i am a complete contradiction in every way shape and form
truth,
i'm a flirt
truth,
i hurt a lot of people and i don't know why or how to stop
truth,
i know nothing about the world but i like to pretend i know everything
truth,
i help other people as a way to avoid helping myself
truth,
i've chosen to forget most of my childhood
truth,
i hate to talk
truth,
i'm extremely opinionated
truth,
i am a control freak
truth,
i have no idea how to control my life and it kills me
truth,
i can't decide what i want to believe in
truth,
i hate sundays
truth,
i hate telling people what i think about them
truth,
i like meeting new people but i hate being the first to talk
truth,
Plushgun is a great band and everyone should go listen to them
i recently learned how to take pictures on a pinhole camera. it's extremely cool if any of you know what that is. basically, it's a cardboard box with a piece of copper that has a tiny hole in it. you put light sensitive paper in the camera and once you uncover the hole, whatever image you are facing will go through the hole and be reflected onto the light sensitive paper but it will be backwards and in negative black and white. yes, that is always fun to explain to everyone when they ask why i'm carrying around a box. so far, i've only developed one picture in the dark room and i think it's a badass pic. i'll get it on here someday once i figure out how to. i took another one but i need to develope that. if it doesn't turn out i'll cry.
so, i'm gonna complain about my lack of extra curricular activities again. i might not be doing 4-H next year cuz all m friends are quitting. i could slap those dumb children. i think i'll do it anyways just so i can do photography and drawing and painting. art is what i live for anyways. i also need to learn how to join the national art honor society at school but i'm too afraid to ask. soooooon!
i failed my first huge test in ap american history. yeah, it makes me extremely sad cuz two of my friends got the highest scores in all the classes. that was embarrassing. i don't know what else to say on that matter. i was extremely upset at first but i think i've gotten over it. school isn't everything in life and no, i'm not perfect.
truth,
i secretly wish every guy would like me as more than a friend
truth,
i extremely enjoy scene boys
truth,
i believe i act like a kid a lot because i missed out on so much of my childhood
truth,
i hate anyone who is remotely like me because i like to think i'm one of a kind
truth,
i like boys better than girls when it comes to friends
truth,
i don't try my best because i'm afraid to see what could be
truth,
i want to be famous when i grow up
truth,
i am a complete contradiction in every way shape and form
truth,
i'm a flirt
truth,
i hurt a lot of people and i don't know why or how to stop
truth,
i know nothing about the world but i like to pretend i know everything
truth,
i help other people as a way to avoid helping myself
truth,
i've chosen to forget most of my childhood
truth,
i hate to talk
truth,
i'm extremely opinionated
truth,
i am a control freak
truth,
i have no idea how to control my life and it kills me
truth,
i can't decide what i want to believe in
truth,
i hate sundays
truth,
i hate telling people what i think about them
truth,
i like meeting new people but i hate being the first to talk
truth,
Plushgun is a great band and everyone should go listen to them
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
no new stories to tell
i cant say i have anything interesting to say. i dont feel like talking much anymore. lately i just feel like keeping it all inside. there isnt really anyone to listen anyways.
the new school year started exactly a week ago. my classes dont seem too hard...yet. its nothing really fun. the worst part is having gym first hour. no...i lied. the worst part is having a total of like 5 friends. i feel extremely alone this year. i feel like i dont fit in. i feel like an awkward outcast in every social situation. i strongly long to just move out of this town. i wish to go somewhere where i could just be free. i wanna completely ditch my family. i wanna find people who are just as outcastish as me. i want artsy friends. i want friends who like to ponder the meaning of life. i want friends who arent afraid to be risky or push the line. i want friends who arent afraid to feel or tell how they feel. i want friends who i can actually relate to. cuz right now i have no one. all my friends do extra curricular sports and musicals and theater. i like art. all my friends have a lot of friends that do a lot of stuff and are really popular.
i dont understand how i function. i recall making a post not too long ago about how confident i was in myself. i still know who i am and whatnot. but i just dont like me and i dont feel like other people like me. nothing anyone says can change how i feel. i have to change it myself.
the new school year started exactly a week ago. my classes dont seem too hard...yet. its nothing really fun. the worst part is having gym first hour. no...i lied. the worst part is having a total of like 5 friends. i feel extremely alone this year. i feel like i dont fit in. i feel like an awkward outcast in every social situation. i strongly long to just move out of this town. i wish to go somewhere where i could just be free. i wanna completely ditch my family. i wanna find people who are just as outcastish as me. i want artsy friends. i want friends who like to ponder the meaning of life. i want friends who arent afraid to be risky or push the line. i want friends who arent afraid to feel or tell how they feel. i want friends who i can actually relate to. cuz right now i have no one. all my friends do extra curricular sports and musicals and theater. i like art. all my friends have a lot of friends that do a lot of stuff and are really popular.
i dont understand how i function. i recall making a post not too long ago about how confident i was in myself. i still know who i am and whatnot. but i just dont like me and i dont feel like other people like me. nothing anyone says can change how i feel. i have to change it myself.
Friday, July 31, 2009
warped
this is my offial 101 post. i wish i would have noticed 100 but oh well i'm a little late.
anywho
yesterday was pretty much one of the best days of my life
after two terrible years, i finally got to go to van's warped tour in milwaukee, wisconsin. and oh my dear lord i could cry it was that amazing. list of bands we saw: underoath, a day to remember, attack attack!, the devil wears prada, cash cash, p.o.s., chiodos, aiden, and 3oh!3. that's only 9 bands out of the 69 that were there haha. i also got a chance to hear a bit of there for tomorrow, tv/tv, gallows, and escape the fate. i swear to god i almost died during the underoath concert. it was the first one we went to at like 11:15 in the morning. yeah, nothing like death that early =] right when the concert started, all the people from behind us rushed forward and shoved us into the center. it sucked ass there. first, my shoe fucking fell off and got trampled 5 feet in front of my which forced me more into the center. then, there were kids smoking pot which i thought was hilarious. i almost died of a panic attack because i literally cannot stand that many people being close to me. luckily, we pulled out and everything was great...til it started to rain haha god loves us. underoath sounds the same in concert as they do on the cds and it was the greatest experience ever.
a day to remember would have been just as good, if i could have seen the fucking concert. apparently, only tall people like them. thank god for boyfriends who let their girlfriends sit on the shoulders for a few songs. the best part of that show was watching some drunk kid climb a fence then plinko down some bleachers that were stacked on the other side XD i felt bad but hey, don't be dumb kids. also, some kid with a broken arm was like shoving people in a mosh pit then he got elbowed in the eye and the entire thing went bloodshot. it was gross but interesting. i loved that show A LOT.
attack attack! and the devil wears prada were both good but i don't know their music a lot and we left about halfway through each show so we could see other ones. cash cash, those poor boys have an amazing cd but they suck live. i think they were too focused on hyping the crowd of mostly girls. p.o.s. is probaly the most amazing guy in the entire universe. he was the only black rapper there but he made up for it by literally going into the crowd and singing. plus. his songs are so real and meaningful. PLUS PLUS! i saw him leaving the marcus amphitheater and he totally stopped to sign jordan's poster, austin's poster, and my shoe (the exact one i had almost lost like 4 hours priar).
craigery owens is the sexiest man in the entire universe, maybe. he's an angel who can blast the craziest fucking scream everrr. i wanna fuck him a million times. basically, the chiodos set was top fucking notch. they broke my chemical romances' record of 60 people crowd surfing in one minute which i laughed at. those poor security gaurds. aiden, aiden, aiden. the band i was thinking about all day. the band i would die for. the band i actually cried for. the band who got stuck on the smallest stage there but had a gnarly sized crowd. i was about 3 or 4 feet away from the stage. i almost touched wiL francis. i sung to every song. did i mention i cried? i got spit on by the guitar player...multiple times and didn't want to wash it off this morning haha. i cried. i could have gotten to meet the band but noooo austin wanted to hurry up and meet up with jordan and jasmine who went to go see forever the sickest kids. that was a joke because apparently there were so many kids there that they couldn't even get into the marcus amphitheater. lmao. anywho, i sacrificed seeing ftsk for the third time just so i could see aiden but it was worth it. and even though we ditched on meeting the band, that's when we got to meet p.o.s. so i guess it's okay.
the last band we saw was 3oh!3 and in all honesty, i would have rather seen madina lake. 3oh!3 played on the main stage and there were so many people there it was crazy. prolly everyone in the entire state and then some were there. also, they aren't the best live...i'm sorry 3oh!3, i love you still.
so yeah. best day of my life. i still can't believe i went. it was yesterday but it seems like it was a month ago. it all went by so fast and i feel like i'm going to forget it. i'm tired as fuck now. totally beat. the ride home was absolutely terrible XD we were all kinda hyper. good thing for jasmine's mom, she's mostly deaf.
i wanna rewind and do it again
anywho
yesterday was pretty much one of the best days of my life
after two terrible years, i finally got to go to van's warped tour in milwaukee, wisconsin. and oh my dear lord i could cry it was that amazing. list of bands we saw: underoath, a day to remember, attack attack!, the devil wears prada, cash cash, p.o.s., chiodos, aiden, and 3oh!3. that's only 9 bands out of the 69 that were there haha. i also got a chance to hear a bit of there for tomorrow, tv/tv, gallows, and escape the fate. i swear to god i almost died during the underoath concert. it was the first one we went to at like 11:15 in the morning. yeah, nothing like death that early =] right when the concert started, all the people from behind us rushed forward and shoved us into the center. it sucked ass there. first, my shoe fucking fell off and got trampled 5 feet in front of my which forced me more into the center. then, there were kids smoking pot which i thought was hilarious. i almost died of a panic attack because i literally cannot stand that many people being close to me. luckily, we pulled out and everything was great...til it started to rain haha god loves us. underoath sounds the same in concert as they do on the cds and it was the greatest experience ever.
a day to remember would have been just as good, if i could have seen the fucking concert. apparently, only tall people like them. thank god for boyfriends who let their girlfriends sit on the shoulders for a few songs. the best part of that show was watching some drunk kid climb a fence then plinko down some bleachers that were stacked on the other side XD i felt bad but hey, don't be dumb kids. also, some kid with a broken arm was like shoving people in a mosh pit then he got elbowed in the eye and the entire thing went bloodshot. it was gross but interesting. i loved that show A LOT.
attack attack! and the devil wears prada were both good but i don't know their music a lot and we left about halfway through each show so we could see other ones. cash cash, those poor boys have an amazing cd but they suck live. i think they were too focused on hyping the crowd of mostly girls. p.o.s. is probaly the most amazing guy in the entire universe. he was the only black rapper there but he made up for it by literally going into the crowd and singing. plus. his songs are so real and meaningful. PLUS PLUS! i saw him leaving the marcus amphitheater and he totally stopped to sign jordan's poster, austin's poster, and my shoe (the exact one i had almost lost like 4 hours priar).
craigery owens is the sexiest man in the entire universe, maybe. he's an angel who can blast the craziest fucking scream everrr. i wanna fuck him a million times. basically, the chiodos set was top fucking notch. they broke my chemical romances' record of 60 people crowd surfing in one minute which i laughed at. those poor security gaurds. aiden, aiden, aiden. the band i was thinking about all day. the band i would die for. the band i actually cried for. the band who got stuck on the smallest stage there but had a gnarly sized crowd. i was about 3 or 4 feet away from the stage. i almost touched wiL francis. i sung to every song. did i mention i cried? i got spit on by the guitar player...multiple times and didn't want to wash it off this morning haha. i cried. i could have gotten to meet the band but noooo austin wanted to hurry up and meet up with jordan and jasmine who went to go see forever the sickest kids. that was a joke because apparently there were so many kids there that they couldn't even get into the marcus amphitheater. lmao. anywho, i sacrificed seeing ftsk for the third time just so i could see aiden but it was worth it. and even though we ditched on meeting the band, that's when we got to meet p.o.s. so i guess it's okay.
the last band we saw was 3oh!3 and in all honesty, i would have rather seen madina lake. 3oh!3 played on the main stage and there were so many people there it was crazy. prolly everyone in the entire state and then some were there. also, they aren't the best live...i'm sorry 3oh!3, i love you still.
so yeah. best day of my life. i still can't believe i went. it was yesterday but it seems like it was a month ago. it all went by so fast and i feel like i'm going to forget it. i'm tired as fuck now. totally beat. the ride home was absolutely terrible XD we were all kinda hyper. good thing for jasmine's mom, she's mostly deaf.
i wanna rewind and do it again
Monday, July 27, 2009
the distance grows as the ground approaches
yesterday, i went to the mall with my mom, my boyfriend, and his mom. they had this store called furry babies. i thought it was like a stuffed animal place but when we walked past it had puppies! in cribs!! not from puppy mills!!! i got to hold a miniature husky. she fell asleep in my arms and it broke my heart that i couldn't take her home. i'm definitely going to get a husky when i get older. i'm gonna give it a badass vampire name haha. don't ask. i also want a bulldog named Chub Chub. and a mutt =] and a kitty named Olysaurus. awww animals are cute.
the only thing that sucked about the mall was that i didn't have any money. all i had was 17 dollars in quarters that skyler gave me to buy him gauges. boy, the guy at hot topic, chase, really loved that. literally, he was laughing the whole time. i love people that work there.
sooooo, this week is going to be THEEE most kickass week ever known to mankind. first off, i'm going to be chilling with the girls at the fair, riding rides for a flat fee of 25 dollars =] then i'm also gonna see some of my girlies at my mom's company picnic. may not seem like fun but it really is. also, the best news EVERRR, i'm going to warped tour!!!!!! ahhh!! so, originally, austin's mom was supposed to take us but then she got a new job and had to do training that day so i was bummed as fucking bum fuck egypt. basically, i was not a happy camper. however, two days ago this amazing girl named jasmine who is the girlfriend of this amazing boy named jordan offered to let me and austin come with them to warped tour since her mom was driving and they had two extra seats. yay! austin's mom bought tickets and we are going this thursday!!! god, i've been waiting three years for this =] i swear i'm going to cry for days when i see aiden. no syke.
ahhh i've been alright lately. my three photography projects got first place. one was up for a higher award along with 134 other projects. sadly, it didn't get anything. but, my two drawings also got first place and one of those is up for a higher award. i shall have to see soon what it gets. i also have to wait and see what my curtains and popcan candle holder get.
fair is probably one of my favorite times of the year. yet, it is also a sign that summer is wrapping up. i just need to make the most of the time that is left.
the only thing that sucked about the mall was that i didn't have any money. all i had was 17 dollars in quarters that skyler gave me to buy him gauges. boy, the guy at hot topic, chase, really loved that. literally, he was laughing the whole time. i love people that work there.
sooooo, this week is going to be THEEE most kickass week ever known to mankind. first off, i'm going to be chilling with the girls at the fair, riding rides for a flat fee of 25 dollars =] then i'm also gonna see some of my girlies at my mom's company picnic. may not seem like fun but it really is. also, the best news EVERRR, i'm going to warped tour!!!!!! ahhh!! so, originally, austin's mom was supposed to take us but then she got a new job and had to do training that day so i was bummed as fucking bum fuck egypt. basically, i was not a happy camper. however, two days ago this amazing girl named jasmine who is the girlfriend of this amazing boy named jordan offered to let me and austin come with them to warped tour since her mom was driving and they had two extra seats. yay! austin's mom bought tickets and we are going this thursday!!! god, i've been waiting three years for this =] i swear i'm going to cry for days when i see aiden. no syke.
ahhh i've been alright lately. my three photography projects got first place. one was up for a higher award along with 134 other projects. sadly, it didn't get anything. but, my two drawings also got first place and one of those is up for a higher award. i shall have to see soon what it gets. i also have to wait and see what my curtains and popcan candle holder get.
fair is probably one of my favorite times of the year. yet, it is also a sign that summer is wrapping up. i just need to make the most of the time that is left.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
tahdah!
like i said, there were 70 pictures to choose from. this is only 15. my second attempt at photography. tell me what you think?
happy pants
so i recently got my two photography projects done =] i did one at olbrich botanical gardens in madtown. i think i got some pretty alright flower shots. i need to narrow that down to five pics. also, i did my portrait project with austin ^_^ at riverside park by my house. we took them right by the river. i need to pick my favorite one of those. all together, i took 70 pictures. a holy fucking lot of them. i'm only going to post my faves on here sometime soon cuz i am really proud of them. as far as my drawing goes, don't expect to be seeing any of that on here. i wish drawing was as fast as taking pictures. but whatever.
on another note, i'm not so stressed out about stuff anymore. skyler, kinda annoying after a while. candice, just another drama queen who can say whatever she wants. and i barely remember what else was bothering me. also, the doctor gave me some acid reflux pills that are totally helping. let's just hope i don't gain weight from all this eating.
so last week, i hung out with austin for like 4 days straight. it was kinda amazing. tonight, i'm going to see west side story with my bestie, katie. a shit ton of people i know are in it. be sure to look for my pictures soon. please tell me what you think. =] that's all for now. i don't actually have any really big stories. that's what happens in the summer. toodles.
on another note, i'm not so stressed out about stuff anymore. skyler, kinda annoying after a while. candice, just another drama queen who can say whatever she wants. and i barely remember what else was bothering me. also, the doctor gave me some acid reflux pills that are totally helping. let's just hope i don't gain weight from all this eating.
so last week, i hung out with austin for like 4 days straight. it was kinda amazing. tonight, i'm going to see west side story with my bestie, katie. a shit ton of people i know are in it. be sure to look for my pictures soon. please tell me what you think. =] that's all for now. i don't actually have any really big stories. that's what happens in the summer. toodles.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
egad!
so, i completely lied about posting more often. turns out i have a life. or something remotely close to that. yeah.
things in life so far
boring as hell
slightly more dramatic than i please
and yeah
i hate sitting around all the time. miss kaitlyn is in italy. i'm happy for her. jocelyn has just arrived in new york. oh dearie. i have not left wisconsin. it's only been like 2 and a half weeks since school ended. it already seems like summer is ending. in these past 2 and a half weeks, i have not read nearly as much as i said i would, i have not written anything new as far as poetry or stories go, and i just recently started drawing again...today. oh self...what is wrong?
it all began when austin's friend candice from greenbay started telling everyone how much she hated me cuz i'm stealing austin from all of his friends. my way of helping the situation was to write a lovely lil letter to her. hmmm. things didn't work out and it's been bothering me ever since. then, on father's day (also my brother's graduation party), my most wonderful father decided not to show up. i think that's where i really started to dig my hole. some other stuff might have happened. i cannot recall. recently, i told austin that i've kinda had a crush on his friend skyler for quite some time. that shit has been eating at me all day every day. i wanna smack myself.
on a happy note, i finally started thinking about my projects for 4-H. finally, something to occupy my thougths!
->five color photographs (prolly flowers)
->portrait (prolly austin)
->window treatment (curtains for my dining room)
->item made from recycled material (candle holder from pop cans)
->pastel drawing (pink lily that i did in school...major cheating)
->pencil drawing (white calla lily)
i started the white calla lily drawing today. i really hope it turns out well. i worry so much about my drawings and photography stuff for 4-H because it's stuff that i'm really passionate about and it gets judged so i worry a hella lot about doing well on that shiz. however, i can't wait for the county fair. since i quit the 4-H showchoir i can actually enjoy the fair this year. idk.
ugh skyler. it's so wrong. i don't really think it's much of a crush tho. more of a fascination (like how i explained it to austin). he's year ahead of me in school. i knew him in middle school. he has huge gauges and a tongue piercing. he likes metal and rap. wears a lot of band tees and pants are his favorite. i've always liked guys like that. plus, he has depression issues and stuff...which fits what i like more. but the thing is that i still love austin like there's no tomorrow. yeah, i like skyler's style and he has an amazing personality. however, he isn't exactly the type of guy i would want to spend the rest of my life with. i would just love to be close friends with him and since we text like twice a day that seems like a strong possibility. it seems like i have all of this figured out so why does it still bother me so much? i have no idea.
i wish i had more interesting things to blog about. the problem with me is that i am always willing to help other people with their problems but when it's my turn, i never want to talk. i really need to learn how tho because this shit keeps piling up and i'm letting every little problem turn into something huge.
blah.
END.
things in life so far
boring as hell
slightly more dramatic than i please
and yeah
i hate sitting around all the time. miss kaitlyn is in italy. i'm happy for her. jocelyn has just arrived in new york. oh dearie. i have not left wisconsin. it's only been like 2 and a half weeks since school ended. it already seems like summer is ending. in these past 2 and a half weeks, i have not read nearly as much as i said i would, i have not written anything new as far as poetry or stories go, and i just recently started drawing again...today. oh self...what is wrong?
it all began when austin's friend candice from greenbay started telling everyone how much she hated me cuz i'm stealing austin from all of his friends. my way of helping the situation was to write a lovely lil letter to her. hmmm. things didn't work out and it's been bothering me ever since. then, on father's day (also my brother's graduation party), my most wonderful father decided not to show up. i think that's where i really started to dig my hole. some other stuff might have happened. i cannot recall. recently, i told austin that i've kinda had a crush on his friend skyler for quite some time. that shit has been eating at me all day every day. i wanna smack myself.
on a happy note, i finally started thinking about my projects for 4-H. finally, something to occupy my thougths!
->five color photographs (prolly flowers)
->portrait (prolly austin)
->window treatment (curtains for my dining room)
->item made from recycled material (candle holder from pop cans)
->pastel drawing (pink lily that i did in school...major cheating)
->pencil drawing (white calla lily)
i started the white calla lily drawing today. i really hope it turns out well. i worry so much about my drawings and photography stuff for 4-H because it's stuff that i'm really passionate about and it gets judged so i worry a hella lot about doing well on that shiz. however, i can't wait for the county fair. since i quit the 4-H showchoir i can actually enjoy the fair this year. idk.
ugh skyler. it's so wrong. i don't really think it's much of a crush tho. more of a fascination (like how i explained it to austin). he's year ahead of me in school. i knew him in middle school. he has huge gauges and a tongue piercing. he likes metal and rap. wears a lot of band tees and pants are his favorite. i've always liked guys like that. plus, he has depression issues and stuff...which fits what i like more. but the thing is that i still love austin like there's no tomorrow. yeah, i like skyler's style and he has an amazing personality. however, he isn't exactly the type of guy i would want to spend the rest of my life with. i would just love to be close friends with him and since we text like twice a day that seems like a strong possibility. it seems like i have all of this figured out so why does it still bother me so much? i have no idea.
i wish i had more interesting things to blog about. the problem with me is that i am always willing to help other people with their problems but when it's my turn, i never want to talk. i really need to learn how tho because this shit keeps piling up and i'm letting every little problem turn into something huge.
blah.
END.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
the thunder
june 11th, 2009: my freshman year of highschool ended. i can't believe i survived. in all honesty, high school was different in a lot of ways. for one thing, it was a lot less scary than i imagined as far as teachers and getting lost go. seriously, shit was kinda easy. however, people weren't. as usual, people will always change throughout the years. a majority of my friends changed clothes and friends and whatnot. good to say that personalities didn't differ by too much. i met a lot of cool people. some were people i knew before but never got a chance to click with. some were people i never thought i would have a chance with. some were just people i thought were funny (farmer emo kid). least to say, my first year of high school didn't kill me. i can't say that i've changed a drastic amount or anything like that but i have improved in some ways. i've kept a relationship with most of my close friends (exception to those who went to the other high school in town) and i've kept a boyfriend for over six months now. i took some hard classes, some being harder than others with better teachers than others, and i managed to get no lower than a B+ in all of them. so what if i didn't get a 4.0 like some people. i won't graduate valedictorian or be head of my class. however, i am happy with how i performed and i challenged myself to the fullest extent that i could.
not only did i do good as far as academics and friends, i also took a lot of time to figure myself out. i now have a great idea of what i want to do in my future. also, i know my place in high school. i am far from a popular kid. i don't do the whole american eagle, ambercrombie, hollister junk. i never will. at the same time, i don't live at pac sun and hot topic anymore haha. i'm not preppy, i'm not emo, i'm not a hick, i'm not a geek. in fact, i don't think i'm much of anybody. i'm kind of artsy in my own lil way. one day i'll wear something cute, one day will just be tank tops, another will be band tshirts. i still love my skinny jeans. i've picked up on the flip flops thing but i still love vans slip ons and chuck taylors in the fall and winter =]. i'm still who i was before and then some. i've extended myself. i may not be known all throughout the school. i'm not in band and i don't do the school plays like a lot of my friends. but i don't care. i like who i am. i don't need a lot of people to know my name. i don't need a lot of friends who only talk to me because of the clothes i wear. i'm happy with my nobody status as long as i know my friends are true and always there for me.
high school. i can't find any way to describe it besides life changing and i'm only one year thru. i didn't freak out like i thought i was going to and i tried my best to not let the pressure get to me like i know A LOT of kids did. my next three years i know what to expect and i know i'm going to do well no matter how much i worry about grades or fitting in and all that junk. i think i've got a pretty good grip on things.
this year was my first year in a while that i was begging for summer to come. even tho high school was fun and all, it is a lot of pressure and work. this summer i don't have a dumb pushy show choir to worry about. i've got a boyfriend to spend time with and a best friend to catch up with =]. i've also got a huge stack of books waiting to get read and an art portfolio waiting to be created. possibly i'll attempt some photography or work on my tan lol. all i know is i'm gonna relax and take some time for me as well as keeping in touch with people.
high school...
not only did i do good as far as academics and friends, i also took a lot of time to figure myself out. i now have a great idea of what i want to do in my future. also, i know my place in high school. i am far from a popular kid. i don't do the whole american eagle, ambercrombie, hollister junk. i never will. at the same time, i don't live at pac sun and hot topic anymore haha. i'm not preppy, i'm not emo, i'm not a hick, i'm not a geek. in fact, i don't think i'm much of anybody. i'm kind of artsy in my own lil way. one day i'll wear something cute, one day will just be tank tops, another will be band tshirts. i still love my skinny jeans. i've picked up on the flip flops thing but i still love vans slip ons and chuck taylors in the fall and winter =]. i'm still who i was before and then some. i've extended myself. i may not be known all throughout the school. i'm not in band and i don't do the school plays like a lot of my friends. but i don't care. i like who i am. i don't need a lot of people to know my name. i don't need a lot of friends who only talk to me because of the clothes i wear. i'm happy with my nobody status as long as i know my friends are true and always there for me.
high school. i can't find any way to describe it besides life changing and i'm only one year thru. i didn't freak out like i thought i was going to and i tried my best to not let the pressure get to me like i know A LOT of kids did. my next three years i know what to expect and i know i'm going to do well no matter how much i worry about grades or fitting in and all that junk. i think i've got a pretty good grip on things.
this year was my first year in a while that i was begging for summer to come. even tho high school was fun and all, it is a lot of pressure and work. this summer i don't have a dumb pushy show choir to worry about. i've got a boyfriend to spend time with and a best friend to catch up with =]. i've also got a huge stack of books waiting to get read and an art portfolio waiting to be created. possibly i'll attempt some photography or work on my tan lol. all i know is i'm gonna relax and take some time for me as well as keeping in touch with people.
high school...
Saturday, June 6, 2009
it's been a while
i haven't posted in forever. been caught up in school. however, there shall be lots to come this summer when i actually have time =] in fact, i kinda look forward to blogging again. it's a nice release.
anywho, i changed the name of my blog to "We Are Always Searching" because in all reality, i do not enjoy killing everyone. just some people. plus, i think that fits my mindset at this moment in time. likewise, i changed my url to http://restisforthedead.blogspot.com/ in case you want to visit me that way.
alas, i shall be on my way again but hopefully not for long. look for me in the next two weeks or so =]
anywho, i changed the name of my blog to "We Are Always Searching" because in all reality, i do not enjoy killing everyone. just some people. plus, i think that fits my mindset at this moment in time. likewise, i changed my url to http://restisforthedead.blogspot.com/ in case you want to visit me that way.
alas, i shall be on my way again but hopefully not for long. look for me in the next two weeks or so =]
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
i wanna be an astronaut and get high...
...break the barrier of sound into the sky...
i'm having trouble grasping the concept of growing up. i still act like a little kid all the time. i don't ever want to let go of being a child. yet, i really want to get older and be free. it's a troubling concept. all i know is that you can't redo things. there are no second chances (unless you believe in magical stuff like that) so you have to live while you can. i really need to stop doing things that i know i'll regret later. i need to do the best that i can and make all my dreams happen. i have no idea why i'm talking about this. it sort of came out of nowhere.
it is the third day that austin has been on his trip to greenbay. he sent me a picture of his friends alex and anthony. haha i'm glad he is having a good time. cept i'm kinda stuck here being bored. i did some work today to earn some money and i plan to do the same tomorrow. yesterday, i volunteered at echo and helped make easter baskets for lil kids. that was nice. i felt good about myself. thursday is going to be the highlight of my break. me and katie are going to chicage =]. friday and saturday are going to be designated to homework. sunday is easter. also, austin comes home on sunday and i am really hoping there is some way we can spend some time together. day 3 of 8.
i really want summer. i know i'm complaining about spring break, but summer is completely different. for one thing, austin hopefully won't be gone all summer. also, it's a lot more time for me to get stuff done that i actually want to do contrary to school shit. i want to try and improve some of my artistic skills. maybe do some photography. take a lot of walks. i have my ideas.
sometimes, i like to imagine that i'm in a different place. a place with all different people, a completely different setting, and sometimes a different me. i seem to imagine these fantasy worlds when life gets tough for me. i guess it's my way of coping. i like to escape and run away. sounds rather crazy though.
*sigh*
...just wanna be free from the confines of gravity
i'm having trouble grasping the concept of growing up. i still act like a little kid all the time. i don't ever want to let go of being a child. yet, i really want to get older and be free. it's a troubling concept. all i know is that you can't redo things. there are no second chances (unless you believe in magical stuff like that) so you have to live while you can. i really need to stop doing things that i know i'll regret later. i need to do the best that i can and make all my dreams happen. i have no idea why i'm talking about this. it sort of came out of nowhere.
it is the third day that austin has been on his trip to greenbay. he sent me a picture of his friends alex and anthony. haha i'm glad he is having a good time. cept i'm kinda stuck here being bored. i did some work today to earn some money and i plan to do the same tomorrow. yesterday, i volunteered at echo and helped make easter baskets for lil kids. that was nice. i felt good about myself. thursday is going to be the highlight of my break. me and katie are going to chicage =]. friday and saturday are going to be designated to homework. sunday is easter. also, austin comes home on sunday and i am really hoping there is some way we can spend some time together. day 3 of 8.
i really want summer. i know i'm complaining about spring break, but summer is completely different. for one thing, austin hopefully won't be gone all summer. also, it's a lot more time for me to get stuff done that i actually want to do contrary to school shit. i want to try and improve some of my artistic skills. maybe do some photography. take a lot of walks. i have my ideas.
sometimes, i like to imagine that i'm in a different place. a place with all different people, a completely different setting, and sometimes a different me. i seem to imagine these fantasy worlds when life gets tough for me. i guess it's my way of coping. i like to escape and run away. sounds rather crazy though.
*sigh*
...just wanna be free from the confines of gravity
Thursday, April 2, 2009
kings of chaos
today is our four month anniversary =]
i feel terrible for not posting in over a month. i kinda miss this place. it's just, i've been quite busy and to be honest, it is rather enjoyable to be caught up in life instead of on the computer.
i do not have any real news. i've been on the down low. looking into shiz so i can learn how to drive. keeping up with school. staying sane. raising money for the american cancer society [which isn't going too well]. yeah, nothing interesting.
spring break is next week =] only one more day left. i don't have any plans. austin is going to greenbay for the week to spend time with all of his friends. i'm okay with that. he hasn't seen them in a while and he prolly needs a good break from me. i just don't want to be alone. i have plans to get me some money so i can buy a new pair of shoes. otherwise, it's going to be a lot of nothing. ha maybe i'll have some time to blog then. alas, you need interesting things to talk about in order to blog and i have none.
i just realized how much i really like my blog playlist.
there are a few concerts coming up soon. i was really looking forward to going to the AP tour this year, cept we never got tickets and almost all of the shows including milwaukee are sold out or close to it. i don't know where the enthusiasm went for that one. straight out the damn window. my regular concert buddy, well, let's just say i don't know what's up with that either but they don't seem to want to go to anything either. therefore, i don't know. i'm done failing at the explaination of this.
eventually, something fun will happen and i will be right back to my blogging habits. until then, you can find me posting daily on twitter.
i feel terrible for not posting in over a month. i kinda miss this place. it's just, i've been quite busy and to be honest, it is rather enjoyable to be caught up in life instead of on the computer.
i do not have any real news. i've been on the down low. looking into shiz so i can learn how to drive. keeping up with school. staying sane. raising money for the american cancer society [which isn't going too well]. yeah, nothing interesting.
spring break is next week =] only one more day left. i don't have any plans. austin is going to greenbay for the week to spend time with all of his friends. i'm okay with that. he hasn't seen them in a while and he prolly needs a good break from me. i just don't want to be alone. i have plans to get me some money so i can buy a new pair of shoes. otherwise, it's going to be a lot of nothing. ha maybe i'll have some time to blog then. alas, you need interesting things to talk about in order to blog and i have none.
i just realized how much i really like my blog playlist.
there are a few concerts coming up soon. i was really looking forward to going to the AP tour this year, cept we never got tickets and almost all of the shows including milwaukee are sold out or close to it. i don't know where the enthusiasm went for that one. straight out the damn window. my regular concert buddy, well, let's just say i don't know what's up with that either but they don't seem to want to go to anything either. therefore, i don't know. i'm done failing at the explaination of this.
eventually, something fun will happen and i will be right back to my blogging habits. until then, you can find me posting daily on twitter.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
show me dark and obscene
yesterday i went to chicago with my friend jocelyn and her family, my mom, and one of their friends. jocelyn had a dance competition and i got up at 4 o'clock in the morning. we left at six. we ate at this little breakfast cafe in chi-town then we dropped jocelyn off at the hotel where the dance convention was. the rest of us went shopping for pretty much the whole day. then, we went back to the hotel so we could see jocelyn perform. i love going to chicago, but the mall is not the only sight i want to see while i'm there. next time i go, i want to see lake michigan and whatnot. i love lake michigan. it's gorgeous. actually, i had a lot of fun shopping. it was nice to get stuff not because i needed it but because i wanted it. i don't know if any of you have been to the store urban outfitters but omg that shit was amazing. i loved that store so much. they had these amazing headphones, cameras, books (including the bell jar!), scarves, and some extremely expensive clothes. the only thing i could actually afford was this bood called Futureproof by N. Frank Daniels. i cannot wait to read it.
i'm doing relay for life this year and i'm extremely excited. i'm really happy to be helping out people and i want to raise as much money as possible for it. it's gonna be a blast. =]
it's been quite rainy outside these past two days. i do not enjoy that. i really need the sun right now.
today is my grandpa's birthday. birthday's always remind me of how fast time goes by. march 2nd was mine and austin's 3 month anniversary. time with him just seems to go by ten times faster. the faster things go, the more i don't know who/what i am. i really don't.
i like the sun.
i'm doing relay for life this year and i'm extremely excited. i'm really happy to be helping out people and i want to raise as much money as possible for it. it's gonna be a blast. =]
it's been quite rainy outside these past two days. i do not enjoy that. i really need the sun right now.
today is my grandpa's birthday. birthday's always remind me of how fast time goes by. march 2nd was mine and austin's 3 month anniversary. time with him just seems to go by ten times faster. the faster things go, the more i don't know who/what i am. i really don't.
i like the sun.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Damn You Look Good, And I'm Drunk
the really big news is that today is mine and austin's three month anniversary =] honestly, i love that boy more and more each day. even tho he didn't buy me tickets to see william control tomorrow >=[ i shall forgive him XD ^_^
in other news, my kitchen remodelling is FINALLY almost done. yay!
it's been such a long time since i've posted and i can't think of much to say
i really want to go shopping. i might be going to chicago this coming weekend. if i do, i am definitely gonna hit up Epic Burger. also, the mall. the only bad thing about this trip is i have nooooo money at all. that sucks balls.
backseat goodbye came to madison, wisconsin last saturday. i was extremely pissed cuz i found out the day of and i was in madison at the same time of his show. life couldn't get any worse. but then i found out it was pre-sold out so i guess that was okay. now, tomorrow william control is coming to milwaukee with some people and they are going to host an after show party at denny's. i so badly want to go but i can't. life just got worse.
things have been going pretty well for me since the last time. i couldn't be more happy. i can't wait for spring =] austin and his mom are planning on moving and they might move closer to me. that means going for walks, going to the park, watching movies, laying in the sun, and spending lots and lots of time together. haha eventually we are gonna get bored with eachother. =]
i think it's the sun. the sun has made things better. now, if only the weather would be a touch warmer. the world would be perfect.
note to self: i need to spend more time with people whose names are NOT austin
in other news, my kitchen remodelling is FINALLY almost done. yay!
it's been such a long time since i've posted and i can't think of much to say
i really want to go shopping. i might be going to chicago this coming weekend. if i do, i am definitely gonna hit up Epic Burger. also, the mall. the only bad thing about this trip is i have nooooo money at all. that sucks balls.
backseat goodbye came to madison, wisconsin last saturday. i was extremely pissed cuz i found out the day of and i was in madison at the same time of his show. life couldn't get any worse. but then i found out it was pre-sold out so i guess that was okay. now, tomorrow william control is coming to milwaukee with some people and they are going to host an after show party at denny's. i so badly want to go but i can't. life just got worse.
things have been going pretty well for me since the last time. i couldn't be more happy. i can't wait for spring =] austin and his mom are planning on moving and they might move closer to me. that means going for walks, going to the park, watching movies, laying in the sun, and spending lots and lots of time together. haha eventually we are gonna get bored with eachother. =]
i think it's the sun. the sun has made things better. now, if only the weather would be a touch warmer. the world would be perfect.
note to self: i need to spend more time with people whose names are NOT austin
Sunday, February 15, 2009
pontificating
valentine's day was yesterday. once again, austin had to be a thousand times nicer than he needs to. the lil lover boy bought me a bouquet of yellow roses and this gargantuan stuffed puppy thats holding a heart that says "be mine". it was adorable. i swear i hugged that boy as tight as i could for like 10 minutes straight. ^_^ haha katie, my dearie, got me a beanie baby giraffe and this cute as hell lil lovely love story with dinosaurs. i love those kids. i was sad tho, because i couldn't buy anyone gifts on account of the fact that my mom's birthday is in a week and i needed to save my money for her. i felt really bad. however, valentine's day was amazing nonetheless.
so, a while ago i was talking about people. well, here's an update. i've had an amazing comeback with zac. seriously, we went from zero to like a thousand all over again. and the same exact day that i wrote that post, i saw annie at the mall and we chatted for a while. it was so nice. alas, the other people continue to get worse. hmhm =/
school angers me in many ways. i don't wish to go into detail tho. it might make me even more angry.
i recently discovered that i am a very jealous person. or shall i say rediscovered. i've always been jealous of other people and the things they have. but, now i'm jealous of other people and the people they have. hm, confusing. i don't wanna say anything the wrong way so i just won't say anymore at all. it's nothing like the way i put it.
haha i watched Demetri Martin's new show on wednesday. damn, i love that boy.
stupid winter just won't go away. it urks me >=/
so, a while ago i was talking about people. well, here's an update. i've had an amazing comeback with zac. seriously, we went from zero to like a thousand all over again. and the same exact day that i wrote that post, i saw annie at the mall and we chatted for a while. it was so nice. alas, the other people continue to get worse. hmhm =/
school angers me in many ways. i don't wish to go into detail tho. it might make me even more angry.
i recently discovered that i am a very jealous person. or shall i say rediscovered. i've always been jealous of other people and the things they have. but, now i'm jealous of other people and the people they have. hm, confusing. i don't wanna say anything the wrong way so i just won't say anymore at all. it's nothing like the way i put it.
haha i watched Demetri Martin's new show on wednesday. damn, i love that boy.
stupid winter just won't go away. it urks me >=/
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Proven For A Hidden Cliche
ah, it's so wonderfully sunny lately. i enjoy watching the sunrise and set each day. it's just amazing.
i went to this resurrection rally this weekend for my church group. i wasn't too excited cuz it was at the Chula Vista in Wisconsin Dells [water park water park water park] and i thought it was going to blow chunks. i didn't exactly enjoy the people i was going with [water park water park] i'm not the most religious [WATER PARK o_O] so yeah. but in all actuality, i had a good time. the food they made for us was delightful. we had the most amazing speaker who really inspired me. i got to know a few new people [there were like over 400 there] and it was a nice vacation. only one thing sucked. fucking water park.
the new semester is treating me pretty well lately. alas, i fucked up in the first week or so. however, i'm doing much to fix that. i haven't gotten too much homework. i'm getting a lil break yet at the same time it's a challenge. i definitely needed a fresh start. i had a bad week so far. but that was cuz of a lot of things just coming down on me all at once. it's like ten times better now. i think i'm doing pretty alright. still need to work on sharing my emotions. i've gotten my focus nearly back on track. the sun is shining =]
all the people i've lost/am losing: zac, annie, alex [from texas], a majority of the TAG kids who aren't specific enuf to have their names mentioned, and last but not least taylor u. all these people are people i haven't talked to in forever or feel as tho the connection is gone. the first three are kids i really really care about. i've tried to keep in touch, but they don't return the favor. alex, we had a great summer. then, the school year started and i'm not sure what happened. it was zac's birthday today. i texted him with a smile and i didn't get a reply. it's honestly nothing new. we've always been like that. i wish for way more tho. annie, i guess i was never really her best friend, but we always had a lot in common. our conversations were easy. we never judged eachother. it was really nice. the TAG kids, to say the least, just aren't around anymore. except my really good friends from there. taylor, oh lil taylor. she seems to be off in her own world now. making her dreams come true. she comes around every once in a while but i feel as tho she only brushes the surface. i long for those sleepovers with the chick flicks and talking about boys =[
highschool...
i went to this resurrection rally this weekend for my church group. i wasn't too excited cuz it was at the Chula Vista in Wisconsin Dells [water park water park water park] and i thought it was going to blow chunks. i didn't exactly enjoy the people i was going with [water park water park] i'm not the most religious [WATER PARK o_O] so yeah. but in all actuality, i had a good time. the food they made for us was delightful. we had the most amazing speaker who really inspired me. i got to know a few new people [there were like over 400 there] and it was a nice vacation. only one thing sucked. fucking water park.
the new semester is treating me pretty well lately. alas, i fucked up in the first week or so. however, i'm doing much to fix that. i haven't gotten too much homework. i'm getting a lil break yet at the same time it's a challenge. i definitely needed a fresh start. i had a bad week so far. but that was cuz of a lot of things just coming down on me all at once. it's like ten times better now. i think i'm doing pretty alright. still need to work on sharing my emotions. i've gotten my focus nearly back on track. the sun is shining =]
all the people i've lost/am losing: zac, annie, alex [from texas], a majority of the TAG kids who aren't specific enuf to have their names mentioned, and last but not least taylor u. all these people are people i haven't talked to in forever or feel as tho the connection is gone. the first three are kids i really really care about. i've tried to keep in touch, but they don't return the favor. alex, we had a great summer. then, the school year started and i'm not sure what happened. it was zac's birthday today. i texted him with a smile and i didn't get a reply. it's honestly nothing new. we've always been like that. i wish for way more tho. annie, i guess i was never really her best friend, but we always had a lot in common. our conversations were easy. we never judged eachother. it was really nice. the TAG kids, to say the least, just aren't around anymore. except my really good friends from there. taylor, oh lil taylor. she seems to be off in her own world now. making her dreams come true. she comes around every once in a while but i feel as tho she only brushes the surface. i long for those sleepovers with the chick flicks and talking about boys =[
highschool...
Monday, January 26, 2009
But You...
i would like my funeral to have a lot of white lilies in it. they are my favorite flower. so pure and soft and delicate. i also want a lot of white candles for that special effect. i want it to be held in an old catholic church with dark wood benches and those classic stained glass windows depicting scenes from the bible. i think it would be nice to have in the spring [lilies are a spring flower] or in fall. those are definitely my favorite seasons. the most pretty. it would be cool to be buried on a hill. there isn't anyone specific i want to be buried next to. i want all of my closest friends to pick out my epitaph. i want it to mean something special to everyone.
the new semester isn't the best. i got switched outta the best global studies class. i have gym now which isn't all that bad, yet. and i have a new art class. i don't like the art thing at all. it's in a very bland room. there aren't many people. and i don't have my favorite teacher anymore. the only perk is having austin and tai with me. i do like the new semester tho. it's a fresh start. definitely something i needed. i have plans to work hard and stay on track.
speaking of school tho, i didn't do as horrible on my exams as i thought i would. only 2 Bs and one C [on my chemistry exam]. otherwise, i got all As =] it was good news
i cannot wait until summer. i remember when i used to truely enjoy school. now, there are a million places i would rather be. doing things with other people. and all that jazz. i also want the cold weather to go away. i remember when winter and fall were my favorite seasons. now, i'm pining for something a lil warmer. i want to get a job this summer. if i'm not busy enuf with all the plans i've made with austin and my 4-H shizz, i would like to have something to occupy my time. i don't wanna be sitting around letting my mind wander off. that wouldn't be good. plus, i could use the sunshine.
the new semester isn't the best. i got switched outta the best global studies class. i have gym now which isn't all that bad, yet. and i have a new art class. i don't like the art thing at all. it's in a very bland room. there aren't many people. and i don't have my favorite teacher anymore. the only perk is having austin and tai with me. i do like the new semester tho. it's a fresh start. definitely something i needed. i have plans to work hard and stay on track.
speaking of school tho, i didn't do as horrible on my exams as i thought i would. only 2 Bs and one C [on my chemistry exam]. otherwise, i got all As =] it was good news
i cannot wait until summer. i remember when i used to truely enjoy school. now, there are a million places i would rather be. doing things with other people. and all that jazz. i also want the cold weather to go away. i remember when winter and fall were my favorite seasons. now, i'm pining for something a lil warmer. i want to get a job this summer. if i'm not busy enuf with all the plans i've made with austin and my 4-H shizz, i would like to have something to occupy my time. i don't wanna be sitting around letting my mind wander off. that wouldn't be good. plus, i could use the sunshine.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm Not A Failure Now
i hope i'm studying for my exams enuf. i just got done writing the notes for the three exams i have tomorrow. i'm pretty confident about my spanish exam. i enjoy that class so it should be easy. i'm scared shitless about global studies honors. the lil mo fo teacher hardly told us what we needed to study and we aren't allowed to have any form of notes for the test. chemisty should be alright. i have a full sheet of notes to use and i think i can get thru it. that's what i have tomorrow. thursday i have geometry honors and health. i have to fill out my notes for geometry. i'm hoping that's not too bad. health, we can use any sheets that he gave us throughout the year. i should survive those. friday i have art and english. i'm not sure what's on the art test, but i'm fucked for english.
so, i was complaining about my gpa earlier. i thought i could do better and i should have gotten a 4.0 instead of a 3.763. well, i realized this quarter that it's completely my fault. i'm just lazy. i could get an A in art this semester, but i decided to blow off my perspective drawing and not do it. my teacher told me today that since i didn't do that, i am for sure going to get a B. so i screwed myself there. does that mean that i'm not smart? no, not at all. it just means that i have a lot of shit on my mind right now and i'm letting it affect my school. therefore, whatever grades i get this quarter, i can completely blame that on myself. what a good feeling.
i really like sarcasm and sarcastic people
all i can think about right now is school
exams
should i study more?
i think i have it all down
should i be more anxious?
i'm too calm right now
fuck!
you guys, i'm so not hanging on here. there's a lot of shit getting to me. my mood is not right. there were a lot of things today that should have been funny, but i didn't even laugh. what the hell is wrong? i can't imagine what i have to be upset about. nothing new at least. yeah, there's a lot of stuff that happened in the past, but that shouldn't be producing this much of a change right now. i have a lot of things going for me right now: the perfect guy, good friends, smarts. maybe....i have no idea.
so, i was complaining about my gpa earlier. i thought i could do better and i should have gotten a 4.0 instead of a 3.763. well, i realized this quarter that it's completely my fault. i'm just lazy. i could get an A in art this semester, but i decided to blow off my perspective drawing and not do it. my teacher told me today that since i didn't do that, i am for sure going to get a B. so i screwed myself there. does that mean that i'm not smart? no, not at all. it just means that i have a lot of shit on my mind right now and i'm letting it affect my school. therefore, whatever grades i get this quarter, i can completely blame that on myself. what a good feeling.
i really like sarcasm and sarcastic people
all i can think about right now is school
exams
should i study more?
i think i have it all down
should i be more anxious?
i'm too calm right now
fuck!
you guys, i'm so not hanging on here. there's a lot of shit getting to me. my mood is not right. there were a lot of things today that should have been funny, but i didn't even laugh. what the hell is wrong? i can't imagine what i have to be upset about. nothing new at least. yeah, there's a lot of stuff that happened in the past, but that shouldn't be producing this much of a change right now. i have a lot of things going for me right now: the perfect guy, good friends, smarts. maybe....i have no idea.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Shiver Away, I Thought The Action Was Real
one of my mom's friends who is like 30 and can't seem to grow up suggested that i should get a Twitter. yesterday, i decided to take her advice. i was curious. http://twitter.com/zealoutry. the suckish thing is that i know absolutely no one on there. well, i do very much so enjoy following backseat goodbye and texing in random things from my phone. but, it would be 10 times cooler if people actually read it. so, i guess that's an open invite folks.
i have officially decided to blame some of my problems on school. i say this because i don't like the atmosphere of that place. people have so much control over you and i feel like it's just one big competition that i just can't compete in anymore. i wanna be able to do the things i wanna do without worrying about how well other people are doing them. i guess...
we had a second "cold" day today, and, since i got most of my homework done yesterday, i'm gonna head over to austin's house today to spend time with the coolest kid in the universe. =]
i have officially decided to blame some of my problems on school. i say this because i don't like the atmosphere of that place. people have so much control over you and i feel like it's just one big competition that i just can't compete in anymore. i wanna be able to do the things i wanna do without worrying about how well other people are doing them. i guess...
we had a second "cold" day today, and, since i got most of my homework done yesterday, i'm gonna head over to austin's house today to spend time with the coolest kid in the universe. =]
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tripping Eyes And Flooded Longues
we are getting our kitchen remoldeled right now. it's the most inconvenient thing in the world, let me tell ya. for about a month, or however long it takes the guy to do it, we can't go about regular kitchen functions like washing dishes, cooking, and whatnot. it kinda sucks. also, he's going to be tearing out the walls and shiz which means it's gonna be super cold in our house and dusty from the drywall. the only good thing is the end result i guess.
mmm so my sick symptoms have gone from sore throat and cough to head congestion and sneezing. i can't decide which is worse; feeling like your throat is bleeding, or feeling like your head is about to explode.
we had another "cold" day today. this is very good for me cuz i totally procrastinated a lot of things and i needed the time to get it done. cept i keep procrastinating right now and i can't concentrate because of my head. i'm getting ticked off.
semester exams are next week. i haven't studied much at all. watch me fail epicly.
i'm trying hard to improve the things that have been bothering me lately. the two main things i need to do: redirect my focus and organize my priorites-start talking to people more because i can't do everything on my own. no matter how much i think i can pull thru without any outside help, it's just ruining me more and more. it just takes time to learn these things.
mmm so my sick symptoms have gone from sore throat and cough to head congestion and sneezing. i can't decide which is worse; feeling like your throat is bleeding, or feeling like your head is about to explode.
we had another "cold" day today. this is very good for me cuz i totally procrastinated a lot of things and i needed the time to get it done. cept i keep procrastinating right now and i can't concentrate because of my head. i'm getting ticked off.
semester exams are next week. i haven't studied much at all. watch me fail epicly.
i'm trying hard to improve the things that have been bothering me lately. the two main things i need to do: redirect my focus and organize my priorites-start talking to people more because i can't do everything on my own. no matter how much i think i can pull thru without any outside help, it's just ruining me more and more. it just takes time to learn these things.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I Thought I Loved You-It Was Just How You Looked In The Light
so...
damn what comes after that?
..........
hm let's start with something simple.
my most wonderful and amazing love, austin, ordered me some posters =] lol i was constantly complaining about how i needed an Aiden poster since those guys are gods. so this kid went and ordered me an Aiden poster AND a Gym Class Heroes poster. wow how cool is he? ugh i just don't measure up. i need to give him something in return. like the new The Number 12 Looks Like You cd and the new Drop Dead, Gorgeous cd. =] hopefully that'll be enuf to return the favor. fuck yeah, an Aiden poster is a huge deal.
mmm my problem from my last post isn't completely resolved. however, i've been feeling a lot better lately. in an emotional sense. physically, i'm sick with a sore throat and cough. also, i think i have stomach ulcers. i get stomach aches daily and it's usually a sharp stabbing pain. cept i'm not sure if it's stomach ulcers or something else. cuz there will be times where it doesn't hurt much at all or it only hurts for like an hour a day or not even every day. does it need to be consistent pain in order for it to be stomach ulcers? ugh
i envy any kid who has a good relationship with their parents. me and my dad have just grown apart. he missed the major part of my life so we basically don't know eachother at all. no big deal i guess since i'm getting used to it. one thing i can't get used to is my mom's constant bitching. it's only getting worse. she yells at me for everything. she thinks that just cuz she's an adult means she's always right. she is over controlling and always tries to tell people how they should be living their lives. the yelling never stops. and it sucks. i know it's harsh and everything, but i don't like her at all. not the way she is now. not at all.
oh! and me and katie need to hit up the AP Tour again this year cuz guess whose coming?
3OH!3
Hit The Lights
The Maine
A Rocket To The Moon
and Family Force 5
even tho i only listen to the first three bands, i've heard that the other two are pretty good. so we are going!
damn what comes after that?
..........
hm let's start with something simple.
my most wonderful and amazing love, austin, ordered me some posters =] lol i was constantly complaining about how i needed an Aiden poster since those guys are gods. so this kid went and ordered me an Aiden poster AND a Gym Class Heroes poster. wow how cool is he? ugh i just don't measure up. i need to give him something in return. like the new The Number 12 Looks Like You cd and the new Drop Dead, Gorgeous cd. =] hopefully that'll be enuf to return the favor. fuck yeah, an Aiden poster is a huge deal.
mmm my problem from my last post isn't completely resolved. however, i've been feeling a lot better lately. in an emotional sense. physically, i'm sick with a sore throat and cough. also, i think i have stomach ulcers. i get stomach aches daily and it's usually a sharp stabbing pain. cept i'm not sure if it's stomach ulcers or something else. cuz there will be times where it doesn't hurt much at all or it only hurts for like an hour a day or not even every day. does it need to be consistent pain in order for it to be stomach ulcers? ugh
i envy any kid who has a good relationship with their parents. me and my dad have just grown apart. he missed the major part of my life so we basically don't know eachother at all. no big deal i guess since i'm getting used to it. one thing i can't get used to is my mom's constant bitching. it's only getting worse. she yells at me for everything. she thinks that just cuz she's an adult means she's always right. she is over controlling and always tries to tell people how they should be living their lives. the yelling never stops. and it sucks. i know it's harsh and everything, but i don't like her at all. not the way she is now. not at all.
oh! and me and katie need to hit up the AP Tour again this year cuz guess whose coming?
3OH!3
Hit The Lights
The Maine
A Rocket To The Moon
and Family Force 5
even tho i only listen to the first three bands, i've heard that the other two are pretty good. so we are going!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Ground Control To Major Tom
i'm kinda in the middle of a personal crisis right now =/ i don't even know how to explain it in a comprehensible way cuz it doesn't even make sense to myself. basically, i'm just indecisive and right back at lethargic like i was over the summer. like seriously, only a few days ago i was the happiest kid in the universe. now, i don't know what's happening. everything seems to be changing and i don't know how to handle it. all of my self changes are a mystery to me. my point of view. my likes and dislikes. my wants. it's confusing and scary. but, not really. not to a normal person.
i can't seem to get myself together. i'm never happy with what i have. i want exactly the opposite. when i'm alone, i want to be around people. when i'm with people, all i want is some time to myself. when it's cloudy, i want the sun. when it's bright, i want dark. quiet, loud. noisy, silent. the way i feel towards people is different now. i don't know what sort of relationship i want with my dad. i can't make up my mind on how i feel towards my mom. hmhm...
i've also lost my inspiration and motivation...again. i'm supposed to be doing portfolio drawings in art, but i have no idea what i want to draw. i love art and supposedly i have talent. however, that talent is totally useless if i don't know how to make use of it. and i really really really like writing, but i lack subject matter. i always come back to the same old things. i crave something new. not practical or ordinary. strange. divine. this world just doesn't have that and it's bringing me down right now. it's like i've closed my eyes on what i used to see as simple beauty and magnificence. i'm completely lost here.
i can't seem to get myself together. i'm never happy with what i have. i want exactly the opposite. when i'm alone, i want to be around people. when i'm with people, all i want is some time to myself. when it's cloudy, i want the sun. when it's bright, i want dark. quiet, loud. noisy, silent. the way i feel towards people is different now. i don't know what sort of relationship i want with my dad. i can't make up my mind on how i feel towards my mom. hmhm...
i've also lost my inspiration and motivation...again. i'm supposed to be doing portfolio drawings in art, but i have no idea what i want to draw. i love art and supposedly i have talent. however, that talent is totally useless if i don't know how to make use of it. and i really really really like writing, but i lack subject matter. i always come back to the same old things. i crave something new. not practical or ordinary. strange. divine. this world just doesn't have that and it's bringing me down right now. it's like i've closed my eyes on what i used to see as simple beauty and magnificence. i'm completely lost here.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Reactions Over Resolutions
mmm so it's the new year and i'm pretty dissapointed in myself. i didn't bother to make any new years resolutions or shit like that. i coulda used to do that also. i have a lot to improve on, but oh well. =/
my new years eve was pretty kickass =] me and katie went over to austins house to hang out with him and his friends. it was a pretty stellar time. lots of yelling, some partial nudity, phonebook ripping and burning, walking in the extreme cold, blanket adventures. i liked it a whole lot ^_^
today is the last day of winter break and i am less than enthused. once we get back to school i have to start studying for semester exams and i think i'm going to do horrible =[ also, i procrastinated on some shit over break which means i'm going to have to haul ass in order to get it done in time. i piss myself off. i wanted to spend a large portion of my break hanging out with people which was cool, but i had a lot of empty space in between that i just wasted and now i'm fucked >=/
i've been feeling sick a lot lately. i get stomach aches pretty much everyday. but i'm too stubborn to go to the doctor cuz i'm scared shitless of hospitals.
i don't know if i've mentioned this already, but i am definitely ready for some spring action. i love winter, i really do, but the gray skies and the constant coldness just got boring to me. i need sun and grass and bright thriving colors. just as long as it isn't too hot =]
so i'm gonna be going with austin pretty soon here to take his posse back home. haha i actually find myself wishing that they lived here. as crazy and loud as they may be, they are some cool kids =] AND I MISS AUSTIN LIKE HELL! so i NEED this trip [=
my new years eve was pretty kickass =] me and katie went over to austins house to hang out with him and his friends. it was a pretty stellar time. lots of yelling, some partial nudity, phonebook ripping and burning, walking in the extreme cold, blanket adventures. i liked it a whole lot ^_^
today is the last day of winter break and i am less than enthused. once we get back to school i have to start studying for semester exams and i think i'm going to do horrible =[ also, i procrastinated on some shit over break which means i'm going to have to haul ass in order to get it done in time. i piss myself off. i wanted to spend a large portion of my break hanging out with people which was cool, but i had a lot of empty space in between that i just wasted and now i'm fucked >=/
i've been feeling sick a lot lately. i get stomach aches pretty much everyday. but i'm too stubborn to go to the doctor cuz i'm scared shitless of hospitals.
i don't know if i've mentioned this already, but i am definitely ready for some spring action. i love winter, i really do, but the gray skies and the constant coldness just got boring to me. i need sun and grass and bright thriving colors. just as long as it isn't too hot =]
so i'm gonna be going with austin pretty soon here to take his posse back home. haha i actually find myself wishing that they lived here. as crazy and loud as they may be, they are some cool kids =] AND I MISS AUSTIN LIKE HELL! so i NEED this trip [=
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
