it's all in your goodbyes

can i start by saying i hate the fact that nobody reads this? it's exactly like talking to a brick wall. in all reality, i prefer the brick wall to actual people because the brick wall can't attack you or judge you or any shit like that.

i don't mean anything i say anymore. i never stick with what i say. i find it hard to believe myself when i talk. i won't deny things to other people, but i lie to myself each and every day. it's a protection service for myself. i need to find some sort of comfort or else i'll be seeing the end soon.

i don't know if i can continue helping people with their problems anymore. it's too much of a hassle for my dying soul. i don't know if i can rely on anyone anymore because the second things take a turn for the worse, i'm forced into a state that i can't even explain.

i'm angry at my father who only texted me on my 16th birthday and got drunk and failed to pay child support yet again. i really wanna know what the fuck i did to deserve this. why god decided to place this burden and everlasting pain on my shoulders. i wanna know why i can't cope, why i struggle, why i feel lost and lonely every single day. it's amazing how one person can do this to another. we all die. i cannot say what happens when we do. i just hope i no longer have any worries, pain, anger, anxiety, stress because i've had about all i can take.

i know a lot. i know every fault i have. i know every strength i have. i know what's wrong and right. i know how things should be. alas, i feel that this is all useless to me.

i can't believe i let other people's problems ruin my birthday yesterday and my good day today. i care a lot more than i should. it's immense the level of caring i hold. it is also immense the level of shit i get from the people i care about. i don't know exactly what i mean by that because i'm not sure if it's true.

everything depends on the day for me. what i like, how i act, what upsets me, what i do. i find it hard to hold a relationship with people because of this. nobody has the capacity or understanding to deal with me. and when they do, i fuck it up. they fuck it up. i lose everything i have.

i'm not sure anymore. the second something feels right to me, i get told it's wrong. the second i'm sure of something, i either pull myself away or someone else does. it's like i'm destined to fuck up. my belief in god depends on the day too. it's hard to believe in something that is supposed to love you when your life is shit. when i do believe, all i can do is ask why. god, if you have a reason for this, i need to know now. i honestly cannot handle this. do you see me falling apart? do you see my mistakes? do you see my regrets?

does anybody see anything? or do they just choose to ignore it because that is the only way to maintain normality. it's they only way they can make themselves feel better so they don't have to live each day with a burden on their shoulders. it's the only thing any of us can do to keep our heads straight.

this world...sometimes i wish it had never happened.