pontificating

valentine's day was yesterday. once again, austin had to be a thousand times nicer than he needs to. the lil lover boy bought me a bouquet of yellow roses and this gargantuan stuffed puppy thats holding a heart that says "be mine". it was adorable. i swear i hugged that boy as tight as i could for like 10 minutes straight. ^_^ haha katie, my dearie, got me a beanie baby giraffe and this cute as hell lil lovely love story with dinosaurs. i love those kids. i was sad tho, because i couldn't buy anyone gifts on account of the fact that my mom's birthday is in a week and i needed to save my money for her. i felt really bad. however, valentine's day was amazing nonetheless.

so, a while ago i was talking about people. well, here's an update. i've had an amazing comeback with zac. seriously, we went from zero to like a thousand all over again. and the same exact day that i wrote that post, i saw annie at the mall and we chatted for a while. it was so nice. alas, the other people continue to get worse. hmhm =/

school angers me in many ways. i don't wish to go into detail tho. it might make me even more angry.

i recently discovered that i am a very jealous person. or shall i say rediscovered. i've always been jealous of other people and the things they have. but, now i'm jealous of other people and the people they have. hm, confusing. i don't wanna say anything the wrong way so i just won't say anymore at all. it's nothing like the way i put it.

haha i watched Demetri Martin's new show on wednesday. damn, i love that boy.

stupid winter just won't go away. it urks me >=/

Proven For A Hidden Cliche

ah, it's so wonderfully sunny lately. i enjoy watching the sunrise and set each day. it's just amazing.

i went to this resurrection rally this weekend for my church group. i wasn't too excited cuz it was at the Chula Vista in Wisconsin Dells [water park water park water park] and i thought it was going to blow chunks. i didn't exactly enjoy the people i was going with [water park water park] i'm not the most religious [WATER PARK o_O] so yeah. but in all actuality, i had a good time. the food they made for us was delightful. we had the most amazing speaker who really inspired me. i got to know a few new people [there were like over 400 there] and it was a nice vacation. only one thing sucked. fucking water park.

the new semester is treating me pretty well lately. alas, i fucked up in the first week or so. however, i'm doing much to fix that. i haven't gotten too much homework. i'm getting a lil break yet at the same time it's a challenge. i definitely needed a fresh start. i had a bad week so far. but that was cuz of a lot of things just coming down on me all at once. it's like ten times better now. i think i'm doing pretty alright. still need to work on sharing my emotions. i've gotten my focus nearly back on track. the sun is shining =]

all the people i've lost/am losing: zac, annie, alex [from texas], a majority of the TAG kids who aren't specific enuf to have their names mentioned, and last but not least taylor u. all these people are people i haven't talked to in forever or feel as tho the connection is gone. the first three are kids i really really care about. i've tried to keep in touch, but they don't return the favor. alex, we had a great summer. then, the school year started and i'm not sure what happened. it was zac's birthday today. i texted him with a smile and i didn't get a reply. it's honestly nothing new. we've always been like that. i wish for way more tho. annie, i guess i was never really her best friend, but we always had a lot in common. our conversations were easy. we never judged eachother. it was really nice. the TAG kids, to say the least, just aren't around anymore. except my really good friends from there. taylor, oh lil taylor. she seems to be off in her own world now. making her dreams come true. she comes around every once in a while but i feel as tho she only brushes the surface. i long for those sleepovers with the chick flicks and talking about boys =[

highschool...

But You...

i would like my funeral to have a lot of white lilies in it. they are my favorite flower. so pure and soft and delicate. i also want a lot of white candles for that special effect. i want it to be held in an old catholic church with dark wood benches and those classic stained glass windows depicting scenes from the bible. i think it would be nice to have in the spring [lilies are a spring flower] or in fall. those are definitely my favorite seasons. the most pretty. it would be cool to be buried on a hill. there isn't anyone specific i want to be buried next to. i want all of my closest friends to pick out my epitaph. i want it to mean something special to everyone.

the new semester isn't the best. i got switched outta the best global studies class. i have gym now which isn't all that bad, yet. and i have a new art class. i don't like the art thing at all. it's in a very bland room. there aren't many people. and i don't have my favorite teacher anymore. the only perk is having austin and tai with me. i do like the new semester tho. it's a fresh start. definitely something i needed. i have plans to work hard and stay on track.

speaking of school tho, i didn't do as horrible on my exams as i thought i would. only 2 Bs and one C [on my chemistry exam]. otherwise, i got all As =] it was good news

i cannot wait until summer. i remember when i used to truely enjoy school. now, there are a million places i would rather be. doing things with other people. and all that jazz. i also want the cold weather to go away. i remember when winter and fall were my favorite seasons. now, i'm pining for something a lil warmer. i want to get a job this summer. if i'm not busy enuf with all the plans i've made with austin and my 4-H shizz, i would like to have something to occupy my time. i don't wanna be sitting around letting my mind wander off. that wouldn't be good. plus, i could use the sunshine.

I'm Not A Failure Now

i hope i'm studying for my exams enuf. i just got done writing the notes for the three exams i have tomorrow. i'm pretty confident about my spanish exam. i enjoy that class so it should be easy. i'm scared shitless about global studies honors. the lil mo fo teacher hardly told us what we needed to study and we aren't allowed to have any form of notes for the test. chemisty should be alright. i have a full sheet of notes to use and i think i can get thru it. that's what i have tomorrow. thursday i have geometry honors and health. i have to fill out my notes for geometry. i'm hoping that's not too bad. health, we can use any sheets that he gave us throughout the year. i should survive those. friday i have art and english. i'm not sure what's on the art test, but i'm fucked for english.

so, i was complaining about my gpa earlier. i thought i could do better and i should have gotten a 4.0 instead of a 3.763. well, i realized this quarter that it's completely my fault. i'm just lazy. i could get an A in art this semester, but i decided to blow off my perspective drawing and not do it. my teacher told me today that since i didn't do that, i am for sure going to get a B. so i screwed myself there. does that mean that i'm not smart? no, not at all. it just means that i have a lot of shit on my mind right now and i'm letting it affect my school. therefore, whatever grades i get this quarter, i can completely blame that on myself. what a good feeling.

i really like sarcasm and sarcastic people

all i can think about right now is school

exams

should i study more?

i think i have it all down

should i be more anxious?

i'm too calm right now

fuck!

you guys, i'm so not hanging on here. there's a lot of shit getting to me. my mood is not right. there were a lot of things today that should have been funny, but i didn't even laugh. what the hell is wrong? i can't imagine what i have to be upset about. nothing new at least. yeah, there's a lot of stuff that happened in the past, but that shouldn't be producing this much of a change right now. i have a lot of things going for me right now: the perfect guy, good friends, smarts. maybe....i have no idea.

Shiver Away, I Thought The Action Was Real

one of my mom's friends who is like 30 and can't seem to grow up suggested that i should get a Twitter. yesterday, i decided to take her advice. i was curious. http://twitter.com/zealoutry. the suckish thing is that i know absolutely no one on there. well, i do very much so enjoy following backseat goodbye and texing in random things from my phone. but, it would be 10 times cooler if people actually read it. so, i guess that's an open invite folks.

i have officially decided to blame some of my problems on school. i say this because i don't like the atmosphere of that place. people have so much control over you and i feel like it's just one big competition that i just can't compete in anymore. i wanna be able to do the things i wanna do without worrying about how well other people are doing them. i guess...

we had a second "cold" day today, and, since i got most of my homework done yesterday, i'm gonna head over to austin's house today to spend time with the coolest kid in the universe. =]

Tripping Eyes And Flooded Longues

we are getting our kitchen remoldeled right now. it's the most inconvenient thing in the world, let me tell ya. for about a month, or however long it takes the guy to do it, we can't go about regular kitchen functions like washing dishes, cooking, and whatnot. it kinda sucks. also, he's going to be tearing out the walls and shiz which means it's gonna be super cold in our house and dusty from the drywall. the only good thing is the end result i guess.

mmm so my sick symptoms have gone from sore throat and cough to head congestion and sneezing. i can't decide which is worse; feeling like your throat is bleeding, or feeling like your head is about to explode.

we had another "cold" day today. this is very good for me cuz i totally procrastinated a lot of things and i needed the time to get it done. cept i keep procrastinating right now and i can't concentrate because of my head. i'm getting ticked off.

semester exams are next week. i haven't studied much at all. watch me fail epicly.

i'm trying hard to improve the things that have been bothering me lately. the two main things i need to do: redirect my focus and organize my priorites-start talking to people more because i can't do everything on my own. no matter how much i think i can pull thru without any outside help, it's just ruining me more and more. it just takes time to learn these things.

I Thought I Loved You-It Was Just How You Looked In The Light

so...
damn what comes after that?
..........

hm let's start with something simple.
my most wonderful and amazing love, austin, ordered me some posters =] lol i was constantly complaining about how i needed an Aiden poster since those guys are gods. so this kid went and ordered me an Aiden poster AND a Gym Class Heroes poster. wow how cool is he? ugh i just don't measure up. i need to give him something in return. like the new The Number 12 Looks Like You cd and the new Drop Dead, Gorgeous cd. =] hopefully that'll be enuf to return the favor. fuck yeah, an Aiden poster is a huge deal.

mmm my problem from my last post isn't completely resolved. however, i've been feeling a lot better lately. in an emotional sense. physically, i'm sick with a sore throat and cough. also, i think i have stomach ulcers. i get stomach aches daily and it's usually a sharp stabbing pain. cept i'm not sure if it's stomach ulcers or something else. cuz there will be times where it doesn't hurt much at all or it only hurts for like an hour a day or not even every day. does it need to be consistent pain in order for it to be stomach ulcers? ugh

i envy any kid who has a good relationship with their parents. me and my dad have just grown apart. he missed the major part of my life so we basically don't know eachother at all. no big deal i guess since i'm getting used to it. one thing i can't get used to is my mom's constant bitching. it's only getting worse. she yells at me for everything. she thinks that just cuz she's an adult means she's always right. she is over controlling and always tries to tell people how they should be living their lives. the yelling never stops. and it sucks. i know it's harsh and everything, but i don't like her at all. not the way she is now. not at all.

oh! and me and katie need to hit up the AP Tour again this year cuz guess whose coming?
3OH!3
Hit The Lights
The Maine
A Rocket To The Moon
and Family Force 5

even tho i only listen to the first three bands, i've heard that the other two are pretty good. so we are going!