mirage

Promises are like little obscured lies.

You left me and I'll never get you back.

My future disappeared right before my eyes.

Desperation fills my despondent cries.

Your unexpected choice made me a wrack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

There is nothing behind these empty sighs.

More lost than I've ever been, I see black.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

My affection will not let me despise

You though you caused this massive heart attack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

I will continue to wear this disguise

Though you obviously threw me off track.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

I'll rip out my heart to seal my demise.

I can't love again when trust's what I lack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

what is love

irrelevant but i wish i payed more attention to alex pardees blog on here. maybe ill work on that.

anyways, we talked about arranged marriages in anthropology today and im almost convinced that they are better than the american style of dating and shit. for some reason, it made me think about what i wanted in a guy. why voice it on here? maybe its because i can come back and look at it years from now and see how things have changed. after all, this blog is almost like my personal history. if i kept it up more, it would be the perfect journal to go back to. maybe ill also work on that =]

anyways, about my perfect guy ^_^ these are some of the things i look for:

♥appearance

-i like height! i dont think i could date a guy who was my height or only slightly taller than me. six foot or above is very nice ;) but i could compromise on a little shorter

-fitness is always a nice thing. i plan on maintaining my weight and fitness so you should too! im not asking for mr. muscles although a few would be cool ;) of course, im not one of those shallow girls who needs to have the perfect body. id also compromise on that if you made up for it in other ways.

-ive always had a thing for brown hair over blonde hair

-as far as race goes, im not against any of them. i guess ive never really been into asians but hell, if you pull it off, then why not? :) i think id like someone who was not the same race as me because im really open to learning different lifestyles. it makes things more interesting :)

♥interests

-music is a huge deal for me. i want a guy who is into alternative, screamo, punk, and shit like that. im not sure i want rap or indie to be among his favorite genres but it would be cool if he was somewhat into them =] music i can bend on. but if they make fun of my music, theyre done. ill be accepting of your music if youre accepting of mine =] but i would totally prefer someone who liked the above genres. i dont want them to like ALL of the same artists i like though because i love learning new music ^_^

-i love skater boys. either that or bmx. one, it means that you have a hobby. two, it means that you like to keep in shape. three, it means that youre kinda radical and fun =] those boys know all about free living ^_^

-im kind of a laid back person. i like time to myself or time to just relax. i totally have nothing against sitting around and watching tv or playing board games. i want a guy who can appreciate the little things =]

-i dont want a hardcore nerd. however, i want someone educated. enjoying reading is a plus =] having motivation and goals in life is a super plus =]

♥personality

-as i said, im kind of laid back at times. so, i want a guy who is like that

-BUT i also want a guy who can get shit done and who likes to have fun =]

-i want someone who pays attention to detail and the small things. it makes life special. i want a guy who can appreciate stuff like that

-swagger is a must. i love a guy with confidence and the right amount of ego. the second you turn cocky youre done though.

-i want a guy who can make fun of himself. it shows that he doesnt take himself or life too seriously =] he needs to have a sense of humor. i like the right amount of cheese if a guy can pull it off ^_^ most importantly, he has to be able to handle my sarcasm =]

-he needs to be understanding. if you cant understand me, then living with me will be hell. i dont want to have to constantly explain myself or anything. i want a guy who is like me personality wise so he can understand me but he also has differences in his personality so we dont clash or get bored with each other.

-i want a guy who sticks to his beliefs. if you dont know what you stand for, then what kind of life are you living? at the same time, he needs to e accepting of other peoples view points. i dont always agree with other people, but thats how the world is. everyone is different.

-im not sure his background matters. i dont exactly want a guy with a lot of baggage but i sure as hell have a lot of it. so maybe it would be good if he did have some so we can relate in that matter. however, i dont want his issues to become my issues.

-going with the previous one, i want a guy who is emotionally stable. i need you to be strong because it keeps me strong. however, i dont want someone who is emotionless. i want you to feel. i dont want a guy who comes off like he doesnt care about anything. you need to care and you need to show it. but i dont want a guy who is crazy emotional and unpredictable. its hard enough that im like that. being with a guy who is the same way would be a disaster.

-as previously stated i want a guy who cares. when i talk, show interest. i know i ramble but hell im going to show interest in what you have to say. also, i want a guy who is romantic. it keeps things interesting. it shows that you love me.

-respect is a huge thing. respect me, respect other people, respect yourself. if i dont see respect, especially towards me, youre getting kicked to the curb. no man will treat me poorly.

♥others

-as far as beliefs go, im not religious. ive officially named myself agnostic. therefore, i dont think i could be with a super religious guy.i afraid i wouldnt be able to accept his beliefs and im afraid he would try to force them on me. however, i could be with a guy who is modestly religious. i dont care if youre a believer, just dont shove it in my face. i couldnt deal with that.

-obviously i want a guy who wants to get married. commitment is key because i dont want any chance of other women.

-as far as kids go, its my mother fucking body. i know that i want kids but i dont know how many or how i want to have them. i dont want a guy who is going to rush me into it. i dont want a guy who is going to want a shit ton of kids. you need to be respectful of the fact that is my body that is going to get ruined in the process of having children. therefore, a guy who is open to the possibility of adoption or even holding off on children for a while would be cool shit.

i feel like im forgetting a whole bunch of stuff. pretty much, i want a guy who is a lot like me but doesnt have everything in common with me. im not asking for anything that i wouldnt give in return. you get what you give. if a guy is going to expect me to be a certain way, he needs to return the favor. im not going to be the only one cooking and cleaning. i dont believe in cliche gender roles. so i guess that is another thing to add to the list.i dont want a sexist prick. i equally dont want a guy who sexually objectifies women. i dont mind the occasionally sex joke but he needs to know where to draw the line. also, i have a fucking career plan that nobody is going to hold me back from. therefore, i need a guy who is going to accept that. also, if he could show at least some interest in psychology that would be amazing. im going to make it a point to express interest in your career goal so be interested in mine. we will learn from each other. i want someone that will be my friend and my lover. i want someone who loves me and likes me as a person. i dont want someone who is going to try to change me. i am learning what my faults are and trying to change them. i will accept constructive criticism and i wouldnt mind help on my making progress because i would do those things for him in a heartbeat.

basically, i want someone i can be with forever. and those things that i listed seem to be the things that would make for a lasting relationship with me.

maybe in the future, these things will change. it will be interesting to come back and read this and see if that happens =]

i wish i knew

first off, i absolutely hate how google chrome finds it necessary to tell me when ive spelled things incorrectly. like, thanks google chrome but i actually wanted it that way you jerk.

i honestly feel like i have nothing of importance to say yet at the same time, something is eating away inside of me and i need to get it out in some way. random, but i probably commit a lot of comma errors on here. i hope no one judges me for that.

i suppose it would help to start out frank. it feels like i have dragged into the worst pit of depression ive ever experienced in my entire life. i skip classes. i call into work. i dont do my homework. it feels like im losing all the people i used to be close to. which i guess that last part isnt exactly far from the truth considering the fact that i definitely have lost some people. college has been lonely. i feel like im missing out on so much that is going on at high school. i have failed to stay connected with my high school friends and for some reason i feel like they have no desire to stay connected with me.

random again. im just now watching the video for work by jimmy eat world and it takes place in madison, wisconsin. im not sure how i feel about this considering the fact that the song is about getting out before you end up stuck in a shitty place. i dont know. "get out of this place while we still have time." i personally would not want to leave madison as fast as i could but im probably misinterpreting the bands meaning behind that aspect. i still adore jimmy eat world.

back to me being lonely. it feels like everyone i put my faith in finds a way to hurt me. sometimes, it feels like i bring it on myself. other times, i honestly cant figure out what the fuck ive done to deserve such shitty treatment. the stupid part is i fucking revolve my entire life around these shitty people. then, when people actually want to be kind to me and actually want to talk to me, i shove those people away. it almost seems like i dont feel normal unless im miserable. why else would i chase after people who treat me so poorly? then again, wanting what i cant have has always been a major downfall of mine.

im finding it extremely hard to find any enjoyment out of life. the fact that i feel as though i have no company makes it even harder. i see no enjoyment in having fun by yourself. i dont know. it seems like my entire life is now work and school. i hate my job. school is boring and difficult. its hard to have a life outside of that when my motivation is already lacking. its nearly impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning these days. the fact that ive spent nearly every minute of these past three days crying makes it even harder. anywho, im always tired and lifeless...which makes having a life well, impossible.

i just dont know what to do about any of this. medication is stupid. therapy is stupid. i dont have anything to talk about. you could ask me whats wrong. id say im lonely. youd tell me to talk to people. like cool, counselors these days are so annoying. theyre shit for advice and virtually useless. im determined to be different if i make it that far in life. i feel like moving to milwaukee and attending college there is giong to kill me. if im already feeling lonely here in my hometown, moving away from all my friends and family is going to make everything a million times worse.

for the record, i am rambling like a moron right now and if i ever come back and read this post, im going to hit myself on the head for sounding so stupid.

basically, it comes down to the fact that im only 17 and im already stressed to the point where i cant handle it. im already letting my stress have a negative impact on my life. and once that starts happening, its hard to get out of the pattern of being miserable. its hard to kick a skipping habit once its started. its hard to start doing homework once youve started neglecting it. and its super hard to start feeling happy when youve been depressed and anxious for so long. its to the point where me feeling happy is such an odd experience to me because im not used to feeling that way. it almost feels uncomfortable to be joyous. maybe, thats why i bring misery upon myself, because thats what im so used to that its been programmed in my mind that sadness is normal. this constant aching in my heart is almost comforting when its all ive really known for so long...

i have no idea how to get out of this rut. ive never been stuck so badly before. i know that pain is supposed to be temporary, but when youre in the moment and youre struggling so much, its really hard to see a way out. all i know is that if i dont resolve this, im going to end up fucking up my life. im going to end up ruining everything ive worked so hard for. im going to destroy my road to happiness. i think this has literally become a matter of life or death.

its never fun when reality sets in...

shake me down

youre still the main focus of my mind but i just cant do it! there is way too much plaguing my mind right now to not let it out in some way, shape, or form. im about to go crazy. its not obvious but its happening. if only people knew how preoccupied i am then they would understand.
life is changing so damn much. first, im in college. i dont even really like the thought of it. i dont like doing the work. i dont like having to think. i just want to sleep. i just want to sit and not do a damn thing. i miss the days when i had endless free time. now, i rarely get a chance to do fun things. aside from that, i have no one to do shit with anymore anyways. the only female friend i have is taylor and her and i are so different is weird when we hang out lately. plus were both too busy and im too lazy to coordinate our schedules. austin, yeah i hang out with austin a lot but im too damn preoccupied with everything else to even think about having fun. the guys, things just arent the same with them. everyone is growing up and its just not as goofy and random and just plain fun like it used to be. it seems like everyone always has other things going on or other shit to do and i just cant explain it. jordan, the only person other than austin that ive been spending one on one time with right now. since my mind is preoccupied with the thoughts of michael right now, its not easy for me to express my exact sentiments towards this boy. he makes me feel special. jordan makes me laugh and puts me at ease. but i know it cant last. i want it to but it just cant. we live two different lives with two different personalities and im just going to end up getting hurt with him like i did last time. im an idiot. all i do is repeat my mistakes. ill never learn.
whatever. those are the people who are actually in my city. i seem to have this fascination with befriending people who live far away from me. im an idiot for this also. i suppose ill start with omart although i dont know what to say about him. im not sure what type of relationship i want with him. all i know is right now i believe i need him in my life. maybe its becauseim feeling so abandoned so i need at least someone. we relate in more ways than ive ever related with someone before. he reminds me of me a lot. same interests, same music taste, same sense of style, same personality for the most part, etc. hes more connected to me than i am to him. at this point in time, i cant honestly say i love him. i care about him. but im not sure it goes any further than that. which makes me feel bad because i know his feelings extend far past that point. first off, i cant get close to someone like that again when im still so emotionally invested in someone else. also, im so sick of this long distance shit. i dont want to get hurt again. im sick of living in a dream. im sick of starting things i know will end badly. and as horrible as i feel i just cant be to him what he wants me to be right now. but at the same time, i adore his company and im truly glad i have him right now.
alex, oh alex. the things we have been through together...they could write a series of novels on it. and it would be one fucked up series. you were going through a really hard time. i tried to understand. i was going through a really hard time. you tried to be there for me. you tried to make up for all the shitty things you had done in the past. i realized you still had affection for me although i couldnt understand it. you wanted to come clean. i couldnt handle the things you had to tell me. i said some things i regret. you threatened to end your life...and i just couldnt have that. i had no way of knowing whether you were joking or not and i couldnt stand the thought of you maybe dying and me never knowing what had happened...i just wanted to prevent all of that...i just wanted to save you...i didnt know you would end up in a mental hospital. or at least thats what you told me happened. i have yet to check whether your phone is off like you said it would be. i have yet to try texting your parents. i think its because i cant handle that drama right now. im not sure i want to know the answer. but im left sitting here wondering on a daily basis. if i could take back all the things i said i would. im taking the blame for this one. i still have resentment towards you for what you did but if youre in the situation you said youre in right now, i have nothing but sympathy for you because i know i couldnt handle that if it were me. i have no idea what else to say. i just want to rewind and have this entire mess erased...
on to a not so fucked up and unhappy matter. wyatt. from my middle school years. i never expected to see this boy again. in fact, i almost forgot about him. but he magically appeared in my anthropology class and now he sits by me. the first thing he said to me was "wow, you look grown up". i wasnt sure how to take that. as good or bad or neutral. it surprised me. i forgot how much ive changed in all these years. and wyatt has reminded me of all of that. ive tweeted about him a great deal lately which people have taken notice to. honestly the only reason i do tweet so much about him is because he provokes so many thoughts in my head. he asked me to eat lunch with him and his friends the other day. i was so surprised by this. i never expected him to want to hang out with me and then i started wondering wow what would happen if i did take this opportunity. tweet. then he asked me today if i still wore black every day. i started thinking about how my clothing has changed yet i do still appear the same in ways. tweet. then, of course since wyatt noticed a change in me and because he is somewhat new to my life i felt the need to impress him. i felt like i needed to prove myself to him. plus, hes just the type of kid that has a huge ego and you just feel like you need to match his perfection somehow. tweet. i feel like people take my tweets in a different context than i initially intend them to mean. but whatever. ive given up on what other people think.
i suppose this is the bulk of what has been on my mind lately. i think all of it revolves around other people except the stress of school and work. i think if it werent for all the fucked up relationships i have right now, the whole school and work combination wouldnt be a hassle. i wouldnt be as mentally exhausted so i could actually handle work and i wouldnt be as distracted so i could actually focus on school. someday, ill get this shit figured out. until that day, im fighting. im staying as strong as i possibly can. i get the urge to quit sometimes. i think everybody gets that. i want the easy way out. but im not going to take it. im not quitting any time soon.

oasis

well, its amazing how quickly life can change. its even more amazing how you dont even have to do anything to cause those changes that happen. ive had so much going on in my head lately and ive been craving a place to let it free. sadly, i never found a chance to get on here. and as usual, once i am on here, everything seems to slip away.
michael, i want to start with you because you are constantly on my mind. constantly. you broke my heart. despite the fact that you hurt me beyond belief, i will never once say that i hate you. that is so far from reality. i love you more than ive ever loved anyone. its a different kind of love than ive ever experienced. this pains me so much to talk about. i understand your reasoning behind your actions. i completely get where you were coming from. thats not the part thats eating away at my soul right now. its the fact that you presented me with a chance to get you back and im having to turn it down. truth be told, i depserately want you in my life. i depserately want to be with you. you are one of the most amazing people ive ever met. it amazes me how we clicked so easily. it doesnt take me any effort when i talk to you. you make me smile without even trying. well, not so much anymore. but, thats due to all the emotions and thoughts that im currently preoccupied with. i love you like crazy. and in a perfect world where nothing else mattered, id be in texas in a heartbeat. id transfer colleges, my mom would approve, id live with you, we would eventually get married, id graduate and find a job, so on and so forth, and then we would live happily ever after...but this world isnt perfect like that, michael...ironic how im typing about you now and our song has come on. wonderwall by oasis. i now cry every time i hear this song or any song of theirs. the truth is, i cant pick up and leave wisconsin for you. i cant just throw away everything i have. its not that easy. and this is the part that kills me...i dont want to...i have too many things to worry about right now...i dont want to add to my worries by attempting to move to texas with you...it just cant happen right now and i dont have the guts to actually tell YOU this. instead, im here telling my blog. michael, the sound of your name is literally music to my ears. i love the way it rolls off of my tongue. i love thinking about you. id give anything to get back what we had a month ago...living in our fairytale world we had so many plans to make this work...it all seemed so possible...first, you threw it all away. but then you tried to bring it back and now im the one fucking everything up...id like to blame it on bad timing. this is just an awful time in my life to be moving around and stuff. i dont know...i know i could make it work if i really tried. it would involve a lot of sacrifices...but im just not able to bring myself to do that right now...i cant lose what i have for you...im sorry that this is what it has come to. i just hope you know exactly how much i do love you because my love for you is immense. i dont think it ever ends. ive never once thought a single bad thought about you. even when you hurt me. youre amazing, michael daniel rodriguez. i hope that dreams do come true. i hope that we find each other in the future and everything we wanted and dreamed for becomes reality. its all i think about....
there are plenty of other things i have on my mind right now but after that i cant bring myself to think about anything else. maybe later ill be back to finish what i started in this post but i doubt it. my life is a mountain of empty promises these days.

i felt free

life is life lately. nothing seems to phase me or surprise me these days. how dull.
my new job at the Hampton Inn is probably the worst job in the world. its not entirely the fact that i have to clean a bunch of nasty shit every day. its also the fact that i work with a bunch of older women who: treat me like im a child yet, are nasty and scrubby, and act like they are in fucking high school. youre going to talk down on me like im a child yet i act more mature than you do? what sense does that make? none at all. but what can you do about how other people act?
random but recent. i went out with the guys for the first time like all summer since warped tour. we went to the driving range. i may suck at golf but it was kind of addicting =] then we went to austins for a fire and shit. i dont know. it was fun but at the same time it was different. people just dont act the same anymore. it wasnt as goofy and random as it usually is. plus there was cigar smoking and ross brought weed. not usually the type of shit im into. in fact, id rather prefer to avoid those things at all costs. i guess its whatever. i guess this is growing up.
blogging is frustrating these days. i know whats on my mind but i never know what to say anymore. i rememember the days where it all just flowed out with hardly any effort at all. now it takes actual force to get my thoughts out of my damn head. i guess maybe i think its pointless. no one reads this anyways. i rarely come on here anymore. yet, i feel inclined to post every now and then. maybe because some day in the future, i might decide to come on here and read everything. like a record of my past. all the details of my life.
im listening to circa survive right now and thinking of a friend i recently acquired and then seemingly lost. it feels like it all happened so quickly. i met someone so amazing yet so far away. as usual. this boy was genuine. this boy was a lot like me. for some reason, i felt extremely attached to this boy. he had a whatever attitude about things. trying to not take shit too seriously. yet, he had the capacity to care a lot about certain things. he believed in living life and not wasting it. he was cocky but bashful at the same time. in my eyes, thats almost perfection. not to mention he liked great fucking music. i just wish things were different than the way that they are. it seems like i always get attached to people i cant actually be close to due to circumstances that are beyond my control. but this boy, i will try my hardest to never forget. he made an impact worthy of rememberance.
michael daniel rodriguez, what do i even say? you came into my life so unexpectadly. but thats not necessarily a bad thing. because you also stole my heart and youre determined to keep it no matter what. however, youre another one of those people who is being kept from me by those uncontrollable circumstances. youre the first person that im determined to be different for. im so glad i met you now and not a few years ago. im so glad i learned a few lessons before you came into my life because now im gonna do things better than you thought i would. im not most girls and i take pride in that. for once, im in a relationship that i dont feel the urge to control every detail of. for once, im in a relationship where im not demanding every ounce of attention that you have. this time im going to do it right. im going to try to not fuck up big time and hopefully youll do the same. little screw ups are bound to happen but its how we deal with those tiny things that makes all the difference. this is for real and im not going to lose this.
on that note, ive run out of motivation to speak of any other matters. so eventually, sometime in the near or far future, i will be back.

symphony of sympathy

a villanelle i wrote. it isnt an expert villanelle or anything because i didnt use iambic pentameter. personally, i think meter is fucking stupid. however, i used the line arrangement, 10 syllables per line, and the rhyme scheme. therefore, suck it expert poets, its a fucking villanelle ^_^ also, i kinda stole a few lyrics from bring me the horizon. despite this, i never planned on actually publishing it and i usually write poems just for myself so ithink its okay. besides, i usually like taking song lyrics and incorporating them into my writing. in a way, it depicts where i got my inspiration from for that particular piece.
with all that said, i now present my not so amazing villanelle:

Symphony of Sympathy
Ashley Messier

Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
The war that wages within will soon end.
You want to give up but please persevere.

These silent eyes can do nothing but tear.
Black streams flow and with your pale cheeks, they blend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

I taste the failure on your lips and fear
Strikes my heart as i watch your life descend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

Razors and colored pills lay scattered near.
A lost, troubled soul, for you, I would mend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

Remember when life was simple and clear.
Let us travel back in time and pretend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

The sadness will not cease; your pain sincere.
Light from your eyes fades; you start to ascend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
You want to give up but please persevere.

sooo, yeah. im pretty sure its obvious what the topic is. whatever.
i originally wrote it for my ap english class as extra credit. my teacher gave me the full points and all she wrote was "very poingant and very visual" like thanks. i was actually really proud of this poem. its the first poem ive written using an actual format. well, thats a lie. i wrote a haiku once called The Death of a Season but i cant find it for the life of me. anyways, my teacher telling me that my poem is very visual and emotional doesnt tell me if it is good or not. but i guess i dont care. im pretty sure i made a few punctuation errors and there are places where the words dont flow very smoothly. but then again, i guess i kinda like that. nothing about suicide is perfect or smooth. nothing about emotion is perfect or smooth either. so i guess in a way it helps reflect my topic.
enough rambling. this is my favorite poem i have written so far.

up, up, and away

well, i did indeed end up losing my job at pizza hut. it plagued me for quite a while. im not sure im quite over it yet. however, i already have a new job at the Hampton Inn. it pays better and its out of the food industry and im not sure i will be dealing with customers face to face as much which im happy about. its a new start. pizza hut wasnt quite working out anymore. maybe im just doing sour grapes rationalization right now. or is it sweet lemons? i think i was right the first time. who fucking cares. point is, i have a new job and i can stop worrying as much about money and stuffffff.
too bad my happiness is being obstructed by other worries and bullshit. the person who i used to call my best friend, the closest person i had to me, no longer wants anything to do with me. ill admit that i was taking advantage of the relationship. i was getting bored with it. i was kinda acting bitchy and neglecting him. but now that he is gone i dont know what to do. im trying to fix it but he is ignoring me. i guess its what i deserve. i got sick of him and i wanted him to go away. well, i got what i wanted. but its just cliche me. i get bored so easily then i move on to something better. but once i lose the original thing im left wishing i could have it back. i guess i didnt stop to think about all the things i had been through with this person. all the really long phone calls. all the rants about nothing just so we could vent to each other. sure, we argued A LOT. but he was always there for me. he was my best friend...
my relationships with people these days are nothing like i want them to be. theyre all changing for the worse and i feel like most of it is my fault. i fuck up a lot. it seems like i never learn. i dont know what to do.
im not even sure what else to talk about. i already blabbed about the two major things that happened recently. for some reason ive been really depressed and moody lately. but there doesnt seem to be a specific cause and its frustrating cuz here i am trying to vent so i can feel better but i have absolutely nothing to vent about besides the fact that im an idiot and i ruin almost every relationship i have.
im sick of feeling alone.
im sick of feeling alone and knowing its my fault.
im sick of everything right this very moment.

pizza hut

so, im most likely going to lose my job at pizza hut over something that wasnt even my fault. pretty much some dumb ass bitch called corporate and complained and in her complaint she lied out her ass and i got lucky enough to be the one that she blamed for everything. fuck my life. i honestly loved my job. i had so much fun. it could be unfair at times but life is unfair. its work. but i met the coolest people ever and i had so much fun. i dont want to lose my job...

these are all the people im going to miss:

Getty: had a weird sense of humor but we always joked around. i called him spaghettie and spaget. he called me assley and ashhole.
Tailor: kind of a major slut but i loved her anyways. we definitely had our little fights over nothing but i grew pretty close to her. she was fun and obnoxious and she showed me her boyfriends dick even when i didnt want to see it xD we were the sexiest bitches that worked there and everyone would agree =]
Celeste: even though i hardly got to work with her she fit in perfectly with me and tailor and i know we would have been the charlies angels of that place.
Rob: aka roberto =] the ladies man. the biggest flirt ever. loved to wink at me and hit on me even though we were both taken haha =] he is the sweetest guy and he always made me smile. i enjoyed a lot of light hearted fun with this boy.
Anthony: aka antonio =] portugese and rather attractive. he tought me how to say a few naughty things ;) he is extremely funny in a cute way and at one point in time he was one of my closest friends. wont even lie i was kinda crushin on him once and he was kinda crushin on me but it was just lust haha =] he promised to teach me how to long board but i dont think it will ever actually happen. we had a lot of insider jokes =] in a way, id say he was kinda like my big brother <3
Nate: kind of a mega creep xD but he was the first person i was ever friends with at pizza hut. so, he did drugs in the bathroom and hardcore hit on me and tailor. oh well =] he was a ladies man like rob but in the exact opposite way. i would never get with him! despite all of that, he totally had his moments where he was there for me and he made me laugh quite a bit =] he even offered to marry me and pay for my college when i turn 18 lmao.
TJ: he got a better job at menards and i know that ill still see him outside of work quite often. still, working with him was hilarious. we fought over the stupidest shit and when we werent fighting we were laughing over something ridiculous that he had done. a lot of memories with this kid at work =] he is obnoxious
Kory: he was so nice to me even though i was really shy. i never would have talked to him if he hadnt have started the conversations. he was always so interested in my life and he thought i was a cool person =]
Lloyd: oh geez. im pretty sure he was old enough to be my grandpa. he always said such cheesy jokes and he was pretty ridiculous but thats what made him so memorable =]
Matt: i always called him Hadley. that or Spacelord =] the weirdest fucking guy i have ever met in my whole life. he told me once that both of his parents are psychologists so he technically should be the most normal person. wrong! i think he did so many drugs that he fried his brain. i dont care. i love how strange he is. work with him was always fun. he is definitely one of those people that i will miss the most.
Marcus: me and him fought like brother and sister. we would always punch each other and trip each other and make fun of each other =] he was so chill and im pretty sure he was half baked most of the time.
John: i didnt get to work with him for long but he quickly became one of my favorite drivers. he understood my sarcasm and when i was a smartass he gave it right back to me =] i loved it
Perry: once again, i havent known him for long but i have a lot to say about him. first off, damn this man is handsome. lmao however, he is a strange hippie. he was pretty funny and lately we were getting along a lot and talking more than we used to. he was always so nice and willing to help out. i thought he was pretty damn cool and it sucks that im probably not ever going to get to know him better.
Jordan: aka jorjor =] oh lord, where do i start with this kid. we werent much when i first started working at pizza hut. he was kinda just the funny fat kid who was loud and liked to be the center of attention. but then i guess he took a liking to me haha =] so we became really close. we hung out. we talked all the time. we made a lot of memories. then, we had our falling out. things never really got back to the way that they used to be but there is still hope that someday they will be that way. im so glad that i met this boy even though half of my time knowing him hasnt been very good. sure, we had our bad times. but the times i spent laughing and smiling and having a good time with him make him one of my favorite people. we arent exactly better yet. who cares. im going to miss him so damn much.
Richie: aka RT. my all time favorite driver. he was there for me when i was going through shit with jordan. he still is there for me whenever i need to talk. he is always real with me. he wont lie. he makes me feel better about myself when im down =] he is another one of those guys that beat up on me lol. he called me GG aka gangster girl or goth girl depending on the day. he taught me how to punch. he is the loudest person in the world. oh my god, i dont know what im going to do without him. i always looked forward to working with him =]
Nash: im tearing up just thinking about this one. my favorite manager. the guy i closed with every friday and saturday for months. at first, he was only my favorite manager because he was funny and he wasnt strict at all so you could get away with anything around him. then, i went through a period where i kinda lost some respect for him. i saw that he didnt really care much most of the time. it felt like he was taking advantage of me when he kept me until 11pm. i dont know. i guess i just thought he was a slacker. however, i started realizing that we had a lot in common. he was always proud of me when i knew about cool bands, movies, tv shows, and all that shit. he loved that i was smart and used big words. he loved how quirky i could be at times. we made each other laugh A LOT. in the past few days, i have grown so close to this man. he is outraged by the fact that i might get fired. he told me that i was always his favorite phones girl and he told me that im a good person and im better than pizza hut. ive cried a lot talking to him and im going to miss not seeing him. we had a lot of good times and it sucks that this has to happen because i have just recently begun to realize why he sometimes acts the way that he does. oh well. its still good to know that he cares a lot about me and has a lot of respect for me. and i know he will miss me just as much as i will miss him.

ive had so many good times at pizza hut. it was honestly an easy job. we had a lot of time to mess around. i loved all the people even though there are a few i didnt mention in above. people like mike, alesia, jason, scotty, and aaron. you cant be close to everyone i guess. either way it was always like a family. i could tell anyone anything. i had a lot of accomplishments working at that place and i dont want to get fired over something that i didnt do but there isnt much i can do about it.ill miss that place more than anything. it was the best first job a person could ask for.

strangler

this is random and i really dont care. it has little to no significance but anyways. so back in 2007 when me and katie went to a concert, we got this compilation cd with a whole bunch of artists on it. one of the song was by a band named strangler. it was called "busy bein' born". well today, im listening to the alternative radio station and i hear this song. i look at the tv, and i see that its by middle class rut. i was extremely confused. so, i did research. turns out, middle class rut used to go by the name strangler. im not sure why this bothered me. i guess its because ive apparently known about and enjoyed middle class rut for years now without even knowing it. also, they play middle class rut on the stupid hard rock station in my town. i hate hard rock radio stations. so i know for a fact that theyre going to be playing "busy bein' born" on this station too. it urks me because i love this song and i have for years and now all these losers who are hearing it for the first time are going to be drooling all over it thinking its something new and hot when in all reality the band wrote the damn song over three years ago. losers.
well then, i ranted about something meaningless that no one will ever read. but oh well. i feel better now that i least i said these things. that at least it can be proven that i am cooler than all the faggots who listen to the stupid hard rock radio station. sorry but hard rock is so generic and cliche and none of it is original. middle class rut can do so much better. besides, theyre more alternative anyways. stupid hard rock radio station.
im done now. kthnx.

long time coming

it has been eons since i last came on here. well, that's a lie. i've been on here recently i just havent posted anything in forever. once again, it is so amazing to see how things have changed. i was just on my flashflashrevolution account reading all of my past wall posts and whatnot. i realized two things: one, i was a total retard back then and i was kinda crazy. two, i miss being like that. where did all of the fun go? i miss being loud and obnoxious and just happy in general. i lived to go to school and see my friends and shit like that. i lived to stand out and be noticed whether it was good or bad. i wanted attention and i was sociable. was i completely obnoxious? yes. however, i had passion. i was spirited. it feels like ive lost that part of me somewhere down the long and winding road.
today was the last day of my junior year in high school. it is technically my last year of high school and when i first realized that, it made me terribly sad. i cant quite figure out why i felt that way though. all i know is im back to feeling like whatever again. not much gets me excited anymore. i have my few close friends. i enjoy watching things that make me laugh (scrubs, saturday night live, etc.). but i dont know, it just feels like ive completely lost my spunk. ive grown rather cynical. im so quick to judge people and a majority of what i have to say is mean and pessimistic which makes it good i guess that i dont really say much at school or anything.
hm, now that summer is here im not sure what im looking forward to. i feel like i should be doing something but all i have is work. i havent been to a concert in months. i miss those a lot. i havent hung out with anyone besides austin in forever. and the stupid thing is that when i am hanging out with other friends, i literally feel exhausted from the amount of effort it takes me to pretend like im having a good time. whenever im in a group of people, i feel like an extra or a wallflower. no one really notices me. and being alone with people just feels awkward and boring. how do you lose your ability to socialize like that? how do you lose your odd sense of humor and your dorkiness? there has been only one person recently that i really enjoyed being alone with and who made me laugh a whole lot. jordan, 20 years old, works with me at pizza hut. did i do a lot of stupid and risky shit with him? fuck yeah. was a lot of it probably a mistake? yeah. but i enjoyed myself and i miss it so much because of course, i fucked that up like ive fucked up all of my other close relationships.
i dont know what made me come on here and post today. maybe i was feeling nostalgic. who knows. i wish i had more time but i have to go to work. i think id like to come on here more often because literally just now i realized that there is a lot on my mind that i need to get out.
things like my new goal to be less controlling and anxious. my relationship with michael daniel rodriguez from los angeles. yeah, theres a lot more but time is wearing down.
oh blog, how you have been there for me throughout the years. lets try this again.