shake me down

youre still the main focus of my mind but i just cant do it! there is way too much plaguing my mind right now to not let it out in some way, shape, or form. im about to go crazy. its not obvious but its happening. if only people knew how preoccupied i am then they would understand.
life is changing so damn much. first, im in college. i dont even really like the thought of it. i dont like doing the work. i dont like having to think. i just want to sleep. i just want to sit and not do a damn thing. i miss the days when i had endless free time. now, i rarely get a chance to do fun things. aside from that, i have no one to do shit with anymore anyways. the only female friend i have is taylor and her and i are so different is weird when we hang out lately. plus were both too busy and im too lazy to coordinate our schedules. austin, yeah i hang out with austin a lot but im too damn preoccupied with everything else to even think about having fun. the guys, things just arent the same with them. everyone is growing up and its just not as goofy and random and just plain fun like it used to be. it seems like everyone always has other things going on or other shit to do and i just cant explain it. jordan, the only person other than austin that ive been spending one on one time with right now. since my mind is preoccupied with the thoughts of michael right now, its not easy for me to express my exact sentiments towards this boy. he makes me feel special. jordan makes me laugh and puts me at ease. but i know it cant last. i want it to but it just cant. we live two different lives with two different personalities and im just going to end up getting hurt with him like i did last time. im an idiot. all i do is repeat my mistakes. ill never learn.
whatever. those are the people who are actually in my city. i seem to have this fascination with befriending people who live far away from me. im an idiot for this also. i suppose ill start with omart although i dont know what to say about him. im not sure what type of relationship i want with him. all i know is right now i believe i need him in my life. maybe its becauseim feeling so abandoned so i need at least someone. we relate in more ways than ive ever related with someone before. he reminds me of me a lot. same interests, same music taste, same sense of style, same personality for the most part, etc. hes more connected to me than i am to him. at this point in time, i cant honestly say i love him. i care about him. but im not sure it goes any further than that. which makes me feel bad because i know his feelings extend far past that point. first off, i cant get close to someone like that again when im still so emotionally invested in someone else. also, im so sick of this long distance shit. i dont want to get hurt again. im sick of living in a dream. im sick of starting things i know will end badly. and as horrible as i feel i just cant be to him what he wants me to be right now. but at the same time, i adore his company and im truly glad i have him right now.
alex, oh alex. the things we have been through together...they could write a series of novels on it. and it would be one fucked up series. you were going through a really hard time. i tried to understand. i was going through a really hard time. you tried to be there for me. you tried to make up for all the shitty things you had done in the past. i realized you still had affection for me although i couldnt understand it. you wanted to come clean. i couldnt handle the things you had to tell me. i said some things i regret. you threatened to end your life...and i just couldnt have that. i had no way of knowing whether you were joking or not and i couldnt stand the thought of you maybe dying and me never knowing what had happened...i just wanted to prevent all of that...i just wanted to save you...i didnt know you would end up in a mental hospital. or at least thats what you told me happened. i have yet to check whether your phone is off like you said it would be. i have yet to try texting your parents. i think its because i cant handle that drama right now. im not sure i want to know the answer. but im left sitting here wondering on a daily basis. if i could take back all the things i said i would. im taking the blame for this one. i still have resentment towards you for what you did but if youre in the situation you said youre in right now, i have nothing but sympathy for you because i know i couldnt handle that if it were me. i have no idea what else to say. i just want to rewind and have this entire mess erased...
on to a not so fucked up and unhappy matter. wyatt. from my middle school years. i never expected to see this boy again. in fact, i almost forgot about him. but he magically appeared in my anthropology class and now he sits by me. the first thing he said to me was "wow, you look grown up". i wasnt sure how to take that. as good or bad or neutral. it surprised me. i forgot how much ive changed in all these years. and wyatt has reminded me of all of that. ive tweeted about him a great deal lately which people have taken notice to. honestly the only reason i do tweet so much about him is because he provokes so many thoughts in my head. he asked me to eat lunch with him and his friends the other day. i was so surprised by this. i never expected him to want to hang out with me and then i started wondering wow what would happen if i did take this opportunity. tweet. then he asked me today if i still wore black every day. i started thinking about how my clothing has changed yet i do still appear the same in ways. tweet. then, of course since wyatt noticed a change in me and because he is somewhat new to my life i felt the need to impress him. i felt like i needed to prove myself to him. plus, hes just the type of kid that has a huge ego and you just feel like you need to match his perfection somehow. tweet. i feel like people take my tweets in a different context than i initially intend them to mean. but whatever. ive given up on what other people think.
i suppose this is the bulk of what has been on my mind lately. i think all of it revolves around other people except the stress of school and work. i think if it werent for all the fucked up relationships i have right now, the whole school and work combination wouldnt be a hassle. i wouldnt be as mentally exhausted so i could actually handle work and i wouldnt be as distracted so i could actually focus on school. someday, ill get this shit figured out. until that day, im fighting. im staying as strong as i possibly can. i get the urge to quit sometimes. i think everybody gets that. i want the easy way out. but im not going to take it. im not quitting any time soon.