long time coming

it has been eons since i last came on here. well, that's a lie. i've been on here recently i just havent posted anything in forever. once again, it is so amazing to see how things have changed. i was just on my flashflashrevolution account reading all of my past wall posts and whatnot. i realized two things: one, i was a total retard back then and i was kinda crazy. two, i miss being like that. where did all of the fun go? i miss being loud and obnoxious and just happy in general. i lived to go to school and see my friends and shit like that. i lived to stand out and be noticed whether it was good or bad. i wanted attention and i was sociable. was i completely obnoxious? yes. however, i had passion. i was spirited. it feels like ive lost that part of me somewhere down the long and winding road.
today was the last day of my junior year in high school. it is technically my last year of high school and when i first realized that, it made me terribly sad. i cant quite figure out why i felt that way though. all i know is im back to feeling like whatever again. not much gets me excited anymore. i have my few close friends. i enjoy watching things that make me laugh (scrubs, saturday night live, etc.). but i dont know, it just feels like ive completely lost my spunk. ive grown rather cynical. im so quick to judge people and a majority of what i have to say is mean and pessimistic which makes it good i guess that i dont really say much at school or anything.
hm, now that summer is here im not sure what im looking forward to. i feel like i should be doing something but all i have is work. i havent been to a concert in months. i miss those a lot. i havent hung out with anyone besides austin in forever. and the stupid thing is that when i am hanging out with other friends, i literally feel exhausted from the amount of effort it takes me to pretend like im having a good time. whenever im in a group of people, i feel like an extra or a wallflower. no one really notices me. and being alone with people just feels awkward and boring. how do you lose your ability to socialize like that? how do you lose your odd sense of humor and your dorkiness? there has been only one person recently that i really enjoyed being alone with and who made me laugh a whole lot. jordan, 20 years old, works with me at pizza hut. did i do a lot of stupid and risky shit with him? fuck yeah. was a lot of it probably a mistake? yeah. but i enjoyed myself and i miss it so much because of course, i fucked that up like ive fucked up all of my other close relationships.
i dont know what made me come on here and post today. maybe i was feeling nostalgic. who knows. i wish i had more time but i have to go to work. i think id like to come on here more often because literally just now i realized that there is a lot on my mind that i need to get out.
things like my new goal to be less controlling and anxious. my relationship with michael daniel rodriguez from los angeles. yeah, theres a lot more but time is wearing down.
oh blog, how you have been there for me throughout the years. lets try this again.