the all-american rejects "fallin' apart"

Can somebody save me?
Cus I’m thinking maybe
That you can take me piece by piece
And you got your reasons
But I didn’t need them
And either way I’m on my knees
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawlin
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

You say that you’re leaving
Say that you don’t need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can’t make it through it
But I’m gonna try this anyway

You knew when I was wrong
You knew that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah looks like were falling apart

Well in your garden where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When that bodies close to me
I can give you anything you’d ever need

When I fall to the floor
Cus I can’t feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don’t have to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Wherever you are

Yeah wherever you are
Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breakin my heart
Wherever you go im crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

Wherever you go I’m crawling
Down on my knees forever
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah I guess we’re falling apart
Looks like were fallin apart
Yeah I guess we're fallin apart

i'm the type of person to take it personal

thanks to breathe carolina for the title.
i am at a complete loss as to what i am supposed to do right now. you chose to come back to me. you said that you missed me and you wanted to be with me. yet, things have only been worse since you got back. you said that you were willing to change and to work at things. you've done to complete opposite. you won't even give me the time of day to have a decent conversation with you. i have no idea what is going on in your life right now even though i've tried to ask you. you've made no attempt to find out what is going on in my life.
once again, i had to beg you to give a shit about me the other night. once again, you couldn't respect me when something you wanted was making me uncomfortable. once again, you're ignoring my texts and my calls for no reason at all. you're just choosing to not respond. its pathetic. i tell you that i don't understand why you came back because the way that you treat me is terrible. i say that i deserve better. you say you know. i say that you better start treating me like i actually matter. you say okay. you don't want me to doubt you. but when we've had this conversation a million times, when i have to beg you to treat me decently, then how am i supposed to believe that you mean what you say?
i swear, sometimes it feels like you're trying to make me leave you. i'm beginning to wonder if that is your plan. you're doing all of these things to hurt me just so you can push me away. it may seem ridiculous, but hell, with the way that you have been acting, it's hard to believe that you want to be with me at all. it is impossible to believe that you care about me in any way shape or form.
you said that you came back because you love me. so why don't you fucking act like it? if this is how you show love then you're the worst person on the planet. i've done so much for you. i've changed. i've given you so much. yet, you can't even talk to me much less be there when i need you.
i don't know how many more chances i should give you. i told you last night i was giving up and all you said was don't. so you won't let me give up and you won't give me any reason to stay.
how many more chances should i give you? i want to be with you more than anything. i love you like hell. i care about you. i want to be there for you. i want to be a part of your life. but i can't keep letting you treat me like this. no matter how many times you say you love me. actions speak louder than words.
so either show me that you love me and you care, start backing up all the shit that you say, and treat me like i deserve to be treated, or will leave and i will be gone forever. i don't deserve this. i didn't do anything wrong. i gave you everything and you give me nothing in return.
love it or leave it.

gonna get better

i dont know what im supposed to do when im home alone, no one will text me back, im bawling my eyes out, and i need you so badly....
i know you said you wanted to take a break. and i know i said i would understand. i tried. but the truth is we are two different people in that sense. i dont understand. i dont get how you can go days, weeks without talking to me. i dont get how you say you need me then you want to not talk to me. god, its been really really hard. i know you said you wanted a break so you could have time to think. but when im like this, i have no one else, and youre the only one who would really understand me when im upset like this, i dont know what to do....
i know its a break, but its so hard not knowing what youre thinking and feeling. i get so scared, i get so paranoid. i let me fears get to my head. i dont think you understand how much a simple text from you saying "i love you" or "i miss you" would help. it would make everything better for me. im trying to do this for you. you know how hard this is for me. so i wish you would do something for me. i dont know....
i just really really really wish i could hear you say that you still love me and that you still want to be with me and that you miss me and all of those other things. i want to hear them. when im so eager to get back with you and im feeling so passionate about our relationship, i need to know that you are feeling the same. i need to know how you are feeling in general...
its so hard in times like this when i need you so badly and i dont have you....you really are the only person who could comfort me in a situation like this. just hearing you say that you wish you could be cuddling with me or that you love me, just hearing you call me baby and saying all the things you do to me, it would make this all better. it really would.
i hope you come back soon....
im not sure how much more of this i can take...
its tearing me apart....
i need you so badly...
i so badly want to prove to you that we can be happy...
i so badly want to tell you about all of the things ive been going through lately...
i want to tell you all of my promises
that i promise i will never again doubt you when you say that you love me or care about me or need me
i promise i will never again try to leave this earth before it is my time
i will never again intentionally hurt myself in any way
i will never again EVER blame it on you
i promise that i will do my best to trust you
i promise i will work through the things that happened in my past
i promise i will work through my insecurities
its not fair that you showed me all of this love and i doubted you. its not fair to you that i wouldnt trust you. despite the things that you did to justify my lack of trust, i know you are sorry for what you did. its not fair to you that i would not accept your apologies.
i promise i will never again say it is too late for you to apologize
i will never again doubt you when you say that you are sorry
and i promise, i am so sorry for this, i will never again solely depend on you for help. i will never again get mad at you or make you feel bad when you cant help me or when you dont know what to do.
and i promise i will never again blame everything on you.
im going to get help. im ready to change. i know you fell in love with who i am and the only thing getting in the way with that is my problems. well, ive already made so much progress. ive already realized all that i have done wrong. im already trying to change things.
i would do anything to keep from losing you like this. our time isnt over. this is our perfect opportunity to really be happy. this is the perfect time for us to really love each other with nothing but the distance holding us back. and i refuse to let distance be the only thing that keeps us from dating. because with my issues and your issues aside and us being happy together without the arguing, the distance wont be a problem. i refuse to let you go before weve given our relationship the chance it deserves.
i need you now more than ever to be there with me as i take this huge step in my life. im ready to let go of the past. im ready to shed the shell that i have depended on for so long. im going to get rid of my armor and my wall that ive been building up. im going to stop fighting your love. im going to accept it and im going to give you all of the love, the caring, the support, the consideration, and the trust you deserve. i just need to know that you feel the same. one little "i love you" would go so far...
i hope you come back soon...

life is a perception of your own reality

i couldnt think of any title that really suited what i wanted to say here so i just picked something that sounded cool. it may or may not work. i really dont care.
so me and josh, or joshy as i call him, have finally gotten a chance to get to know each other outside of our problems. i enjoy him now. hes into pretty decent music. pretty open to what other people like as far as music goes. he is pretty fun to talk to when he isnt upset. he has the same cute and quirky personality traits that i have. it makes me smile. we have a lot in common. its been nice having someone who can understand the way that i feel. but i need to get some friends that are girls. guys just seem easier to talk to. however, i am not one of the guys. i am a girl. i need girly friends. hell, im going to an all girls college. i neeeeed female friends.
the rest of october is rather eventful for me. this friday, monday, and tuesday we will be dissecting lil pig fetuses. not excited. i have that class right after lunch. i might throw up. or cry. or both. next tuesday i start counseling. im scared. so so so scared. next wednesday is the say anything concert. i so badly wish i could have you to share that experience with me. next thursday and friday we have off of school which im greatly happy about. next saturday is a hockey game. then, its halloween. im not sure im really that excited about any of these things. i just cant get over the fact that i would enjoy these things a lot more if you were here.
i have a lovely second degree burn on the back of my hand and it is annoying me so much. its going to leave the worst scar. it looks terrible.
silly ashley fact number one: when i go out to eat, i eat just enough so there isnt enough food to take home for leftovers. i hate taking home food from restaurants.
silly ashley fact number two: i occasionally snort when i laugh. especially when i am laying down.
i have the beginning episodes of the second season of true blood sitting on top of my tv. i wish i could find time to watch them. i dont feel like i have much time for anything these days.
i fall asleep with frankie in my arms every night lately. ive gotten over the fact that his horn occasionally pokes me in the eye. he is a really good cuddle buddy =] and i still listen to your mix cd quite often. ive finally gotten to the point where im not as sad when i think about you. im more on the happy side. p.s. the rocket summer is amazing. i found out that bryce avary has been married for five years to his long time high school girlfriend. i was both bummed and enlightened at the same time. all of his songs relate to real life issues. these are things that he has been through. he made it through all of the rough times and fights and break ups with his sweetie, tara. now, they are happily married and the cutest couple in the universe. damn that bitch for being so pretty and perfect. i totally bought a the rocket summer tshirt from her at warped tour. anywho, it gave me hope in a way. clearly, we arent the only people who experience these things. i wish you could hear every song and get out of them what i do. they really do speak to the way that we feel and a lot of the things that we go through.
im forgetting everything that i wanted to talk about again.
teenhelp.org is set up the exact same way that the flashflashrevolution forum stuff is set up. it annoys me to no end. sometimes, i forget what website i am on. i dont like those sort of things.
i cant help but be impatient for us getting back together. im not going to rush you. i just cant wait to be happy with you again. honestly, i think you will be pleasantly surprised. im already feeling better about things. im already realizing where ive gone wrong and where i need to make improvements. im open to the new life that is ahead of me. im finally ready to live without my insecurities and problems holding me back. im not going to change right away though. im still going to slip up right away. im not sure if i can fully explain how this feels. the fact that im ready to move on and finally start living and being happy, it feels good. i think youll be happy. i hope you will be. i hope you will move on from the past like im trying to do. i hope you will try to make improvements like i am doing. i really do think we have good things in our future. i cant wait to start again with you.
i miss you. i need you. i love you.

the rocket summer "goodbye waves and driveways"

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

And don’t walk away...

brand new

i love how i had everything planned out that i wanted to say but now that i actually get on here i have no clue where to start...
so i finally opened up to my mom last night. it wasnt pretty. i finally got her to accept the fact that yes im bipolar and yes i need to see someone for it. i finally got her to be somewhat supportive and understanding of me. she finally set up a counseling appointment for me. im scared shitless. i was so open to it last night but now that its actually going to happen im scared and i wish you were here to be my support...its hard going through all of these things and not having you here. but i guess thats my own fault. every keeps telling me not to blame myself but i cant help it.
last friday i joined this website called teenhelp.org. to write love on her arms recommended it. its okay i guess. you can talk to other teens and get advice from the staff. i met this boy named josh who lives in massachusetts. he also has a long distance girlfriend so we could relate a lot. however, he only likes to talk about his problems and he never gives me time to talk about mine. i want someone who i can talk with. i dont want to add even more stress and worry to my life. so i guess that kind of sucks mega dick.
but one of the staff on there had a lot of helpful things to say when i talked to her about you. she helped me realize where i was going wrong. but she also told me that not all of it is my fault. i guess i already knew that. im going to try my hardest once this break is over but i need you to do that too. thats something that i cant stop worrying about. im so afraid that once we get back together im going to give it my all but you arent. im not trying to say that you wont try. im just worried that youll be too mad at me to try or that you wont love me anymore when you come back. i just wish i could stop worrying. but i cant. the truth is, im obnoxiously insecure. i need a lot of reassurance. one thing that ive realized, is that ive fucked up a whole lot by doubting you when you say that you care about me and that you need me. i dont know, in my opinion, you show youre caring in different ways that i do. besides, actions really do speak louder than words and i know that if we were together in person then you would have no problem showing how much you care about me. if we were in person, my insecurities would be easier to deal with. but i dont want you to give up on this long distance thing. i realize that a lot of my insecurities and mood problems have been the cause of numerous arguments. but another one of our problems is that we dont know how to talk things over. so im promising you, im going to work on things. ive already been working on things. im going to get help for it. in return, i want you to promise that we will work on our communication. it hurts me that you wouldnt tell me when something was bothering you. thats where you messed up. it hurts me that we are so bad at talking things over. not every argument needs to blow up like that. thats where we have both messed up. i really want you to promise that you will understand what i am going through. i need your understanding. because i cant change on my own. sometimes, im going to need you there to calmly and patiently tell me when you feel like ive messed up. and when i feel like youve messed up, i want to be able to tell you how im feeling without you getting angry. a majority of the time, its just bad communication so we just need to calmly talk things over.
im going to try to change. i promise you that. im already feeling better about this. so i just need you to promise that you will try with me. promise me that you wont give up. promise me that you wont let arguments ruin everything. every couple argues. everyone has told me that. every couple has disagreements. and with long distance it is more common. all we need to do, is work through it. we need to calmly talk about things. so please, please, please, dont give up every time we have an argument. i want to be with you. i need you in my life. you are the only one i love. and youve told me that you feel the same way. so lets make this time better. lets really try this time. im not trying to judge you, but i just feel like youre letting all of this stress get in the way of things. i do that too. i understand that we need our space. its healthy. yet at the same time, i want you to make time for me. dont neglect me. we still have things to talk about as far as you telling me when youre busy and prom. we need to take time to really talk about those things over the phone. im going to try harder to hear you when youre telling me how you feel. im going to try harder to not let my emotions get the best of me. but only if you promise to do the same.
ive made the decision to find a way to get advice about things. long distance relationships are hard. with all of the stress in our lives i think we both need advice every once in a while to understand how we should handle things. we cant do couples counseling when we live hours away. so please, all im asking of you is to try as hard as i am.
i want your support more than anything. i hope you realize how much courage this took for me to make this step. i guess in a way, you leaving for a break was just the push i needed. i needed something to make me realize that i was off the tracks and i was letting my problems ruin my life. but when you come back, i need your support. i realize that this hurts you too. im not sure if this staff member was right, but when im hurting and going through stress and im confused, youre just as hurt and afraid as i am. it was ridiculous of me to rely on you to help me with all of my problems. i still want to be able to talk about things with you but you wont always know what to say. however, the more you understand about what im going through, the easier it will be for you to deal with. i guess its similar to living with an addict. their problem becomes everyones problem. im not putting my problems on you, im just saying that if youre going to be in a relationship with me then youre going to end up dealing with it in some way. its inevitable.
i just need you to promise me that youre going to try. i need to know for sure that you want this. i hate seeing you annoyed and angry at me. it hurts. so i understand that i need to give you space no matter how hard it may be for me. i want all of your bad feelings to be gone by the time you come back.
when i think about you, i only think about good times. and i know because youve told me that you are stuck on the bad things. you are stuck on all the arguments and fights and stuff. weve both made mistakes. but ive forgiven you for yours. so please, im begging you, forgive me for my mistakes and know that i am going to get help so those mistakes dont happen in the future. everyone makes mistakes though, and when you love somebody you need to forgive them and let the bad things go. as my english teacher said, sometimes when you love someone so much and you want to be with them, you overlook the bad. its what you need to do. i love you for who you are. flaws and all.
i need you in my life. so pretty please, promise me that you will try....

next wednesday is the say anything concert. i dont even want to go anymore. i wanted to share this experience with you so badly but i doubt that that is going to happen....without you, i dont even want the experience. its only going to be a bad one if im not talking to you. but its my fault i guess.....

i miss you so much. going through all of this without you has been hell. you never realize what you have until it is gone. i never realized how much i needed you until you were gone. but im going to fix my problems. and once i do, the girl that you fell in love with will shine through. it will be like old times when we never argued. it will be like all of the times when we are happy. i want to be happy with you. you and i both know what it is like when we are happy and we arent worrying about anything. i dont know about you, but those days when we are laughing and talking and nothing is wrong, those days are perfect. those days are what i crave. i want that for our future.
i just wish i knew what you were thinking right now. thats the other thing that makes this so hard. im not sure what you are thinking or feeling....
i just need you here. i miss you.