haze

i dont know why i thought it would be easy in the first place, but i suck at cutting people out of my life.  in spite of how shitty i was treated, i still find a way to miss what i had.  moving on to better things is never simple, and it is all sinking in at once.  i am trying to withstand the weight of everything coming down, but im fairly certain ill crack soon...and it will be a huge mess.
im officially afraid of commitment.  although marriage and weddings have been on my mind a great deal lately (much thanks to aaron and cassie's wedding coming up in two weeks), im suddenly super afraid of trusting lyle and being in a committed relationship with him.  hes absurdly sweet, but im fairly certain he has something hes hiding.  everyone always does...  not like i can expect him to fall in love with me and be perfect within a matter of two weeks...my mind is scattered as well as my heart.  
clearly, common sense would have told me, jumping from one relationship to another is difficult and confusing.  with the exception of my two first relationships in middle school (that hardly counted anyways), my relationships have always overlapped.  i dont think i have ever been officially single since freshman year in high school.  im sure that most people would tell me this is unhealthy.  im sure that i already know that...
i think the fact that school is coming up soon and ill be back in milwaukee again is dawning on me.  i officially have zero friends in the milwaukee area...so i presume it may be difficult to stay away from zakk.  christ knows he already is aware that ill be moving back soon, and he will probably do some crazy stalker thing like hes done in the past.  i cant believe i ever dealt with any of this shit...  it all should be a huge wake up call that more and more changes need to be made in my life.  i need to fucking grow up, make friends, and actually talk to people about my issues.  my last year in college and i have nothing to look forward to...
in this moment, i cannot get my thoughts or feelings straight.  my nerves are kicking in.  relationships are proving to be terribly frightening.  big changes are creeping closer and closer.  i need to muster up some strength quickly before life swallows me up...
this post made zero sense and served the simple purpose of an outlet in which i could vent aimlessly.

numb

for the sake of nostalgia, i read through some of my old posts, which ive done a million times in the past.  however, this time was different...my heart feels so distant from the past.  my memory is foggy.  i wish my mind stored little film strips of all my past moments so i could see them happening again.  it perturbs me that i cant remember most things, or that my memory of people and events is lacking a serious dosage of emotional attachment to the past.  i dont want to be like that anymore.  i want to be the way i was when i was a teenager and my damn emotions and hormones were running rampant.  i want to feel everything to my core.
i need to shake this pessimism and cynicism.  reading my old posts, i see that i have been this way for a while, and it has just gotten severely worse over the years.  i need my heart to be awaken once again.  i am so fucking mad at myself for letting things get this way.  an overwhelming wave of regret is washing over me in this very moment.  i NEED the future to be different..."im not even sad anymore, im just tired of this place...im not even sad anymore, im just so tired most nights..." thanks to the wonder years for playing in the background and perfectly describing my current sentiments.  i need to shake these fucking cobwebs.  this is my life, and ive already let so much time pass by in a blur...i cant fucking do this anymore.  
i get so determined sometimes.  i make a plan for change, and then i stay stagnant rather than doing the dirty work to fucking move forward.  i dont want to come on here a year from now and write about how i fucked everything up again.  i just miss being a kid...its so cliche to say that the world was simpler back then, but it was.  i could focus so deeply on what i was feeling and the people who owned little stakes in my heart.  what is life as an adult but a series of stressful choices and priorities?
this is me wanting to have a firm grip on the past as i move forward into the future. if that even makes sense...

came out swinging

so ive made the decision to start blogging again.  occasionally, i come back and read through all of my old posts, and it takes me back in time in the best way.  i miss the relief of writing about my problems, i miss being inspired, i miss righting in general.  so, here i sit sipping my coffee and turning a new leaf in life.  i know that most of my shit on here is pretty damn old. the design, the colors, my list of interests on my profile.  however, id like to keep it that way.  it is a fond memory of where i came from and what i went through to get where i am.  plus, its kind of fun to read that and laugh at how i used to be when i was 13.

ive been through a lot in the past two years since i posted last.  last time i wrote on here, i was dating zakk and moving in with two of his friends.  well...that blew up in my face like nobodys business.  i went through hell for the three years i was in a relationship with him.  our roommates were catalysts to some of the worst moments of my life.  to make a long story short, zakk was abusive, an addict, and a liar.  i almost feel like its not worth going into detail.  theres no need to constantly have my gaze set in the rear view mirror.  i finally mustered up the guts to end it...and right now, it feels like the end to an entire series of bad choices and actions.  i cant place all of the blame on him, even though he definitely deserves the vast majority of it.  i became some mutated version of myself while i was with him...i was lying to him, i cheated on him three times and came close to it at least 3 other times, i was acting violent myself.  i was out for blood...i swear my only motivation was hurting him back for all of the times he broke my heart.

at the end of it all, im here taking a semester off of school and living back with my mom in madison.  when i left milwaukee, i had to put school on hold, quit my job, and forfeit most of my independence.  luckily, i was able to find a new job in madison very quickly, and the people i work with are fairly legit.  ive been able to save up some money, and my last year of school starts at the end of august.  im crazy nervous about graduating and getting a job in my field.  i think that maybe ill finally feel fulfilled in life...doing something that my heart actually feels connected to.  for the longest time, i had lost my passion, inspiration, and overall love for life.  right now, im working hard to regain those things.  hence the taking up blogging again.  this is one minor step in becoming myself again.

i feel like im not making any sense.  my story is all over the place.  i mean it is pretty difficult trying to cram two years of my life into one post.  i really am doing better right now.  in this very moment.  i can only hope it stays this way.  i often feel like a rollercoaster slowly climbing up a hill, but once i get to the peak, the drop isnt fun like an amusement park ride...i just spiral downward at a rapid pace, and it takes such a long time to crawl my way back up.  dropping back down just feels inevitable...i need to find a way to stay at the top forever...or maybe i just need to create blueprints for a new rollercoaster where the drops arent so steep...

i have met another guy, though.  his name is lyle.  it feels too soon to move on.  especially since i didnt decide to stop talking to zakk until i met lyle.  i havent had a break between relationships.  ive barely had time to cope with what zakk did.  i feel almost too calm about it, like its just going to smack me in the face one of these days...hard...but lyle is really great so far.  he seems like everything that was missing in zakk.  hes a perfect gentleman, which im really not used to.  hes constantly telling me how beautiful i am, which i find hard to believe due to my demolished self esteem.  hes very handsome himself, and i really enjoy being around him.  i find myself worrying about the fact that i dont feel the "butterflies" when im around him though.  i also keep worrying about what it would be like to have a future with him.  its like im deathly afraid of being in another relationship.  im afraid of the end...the rollercoaster plunge...but this guy really does have me thinking about things like dating, moving in together, marriage, even kids...its like the smoke cloud between me and my future has started dissipating since i met him.  i just feel like im bound to discover some secret of his or something about him that is going to really hurt me.  time can only tell...

its all uphill from here. at least, i hope so.