hangman

my lack of motivation is killing me these days. there are a million things that i long to do but i don't have the strength or effort to make these things happen. school feels like shit every day. it's not something that i care about at all anymore. it's just something that i have to do. i don't even care about getting good grades. i only care about not getting bad ones so i can avoid getting my ass handed to me by my mother. i finally got my license a few weeks ago but i don't even care about that. driving by yourself is lonely. i still don't have a car. i'm a terrible driver. i just don't feel like it's changed my life at all in any significant way.
it feels like nothing is a challenge to me anymore. when something is a challenge, i just do a half ass job of getting through it. instead of actually trying in school, i've just found a way to bullshit through and still make the same good grades as before. the thing that bothers me the most is that i know that i won't get anything out of life if i keep doing this. i want to care about things. i want to care about my life more. i just feel like i've prepared myself for the future so that now it's the only thing i want and i don't care about anything else besides what i've dreamed of for my future to be.
i think that if you were here everything would be different. i wouldn't worry so much. i would be more happy. i would be more active and motivated. i would care a whole lot more about everything. don't get me wrong, i've always cared about you. i never stopped caring about you. but it seems like you're all that i care about these days.
i have so many thoughts running through my head during the day but it seems like once i get on here and i actually start typing, i lose everything. i can't collect myself. i can't get composed. some days, i just feel like a complete fucking mess. i get sudden urges to cry and i can't hold back tears but at the same time, i can't find a reason for why i'm crying. i get waves of emotion, both good and bad, and i can't control them. i get sad, i get hyper, i get lethargic, i get angry. i think it's because of all the secrets i keep. i bottle it all up inside. i keep my thoughts to myself. i don't feel like i can share anything without being judged. why do people have to be so judgmental these days? i'm literally afraid to be myself because i'm afraid nobody will like. i never pretend to be someone i'm not. i just hold back everything that i am.
i am rarely able to describe what i'm thinking or feeling. if someone were to ask me who i am as a person, i would have no idea how to answer. i don't view myself as much. i only view myself how i think other people see me. i think that i'm weird, i'm a freak, i'm emo, i'm crazy. those are the things i hear the most. people don't realize that when you say something mean to someone, even as a joke, that is what they will remember forever. people rarely remember compliments or praise. it's the negative that sticks with someone for life. that is especially true with me. my level of self-worth is like negative. i don't think anyone likes me. i think that every compliment i get is a lie. i'm constantly afraid that the people i love are going to get sick of me and leave. i am so fucking afraid of messing up that i don't even let myself live.
i'm finally starting to deeply consider therapy. i know i need it. i know it's unhealthy what i am doing. but i keep coming up with excuses to not go and to not tell my mom. i know that if you were here you would give me the support i need. you would make this so much easier for me. you would help me tell my mom. you would give me a shoulder to cry on when i need it. you would be proud of me for doing this for myself and for my future.
i still sometimes think that this is all a dream. it's so easy to lose you. i'm afraid that one morning i'm going to wake up and this will all have been my imagination. i'm scared that everything we dreamed for the future won't come true. what if we never get the chance to do all the things we planned? i'm so afraid you're going to change your mind and i'm going to be left all alone. i don't know what i would do then. we've already created the rest of our lives together in our dreams. how does a person recreate and rebuild their future? i don't think i could do that. i just want solid proof that this is possible. i want to know that we can make this happen. i'm afraid that i'm going to crack and fall apart before we get a chance to make our dreams reality. i'm scared that i'm not strong enough.
i need you here with me...

the truth about heaven

first things first, i love you so much alex for telling me to listen to what to do when you're dead by armor for sleep. definitely one of the best albums i've ever heard in my life. i don't think i've ever related to something in such a way before. thank you thank you thank you.
i've been thinking a lot lately. it's nothing major. it's nothing concrete. i think i've made a few break throughs and realizations. things about forgiving people and about letting things go and loving people for their flaws. even though i've learned that all of these things are important and i need to implement them into my life, actually making these improvements is a hard thing to do. letting go of old ways is no easy task. breaking down every ounce of self preservation you've created over the years due to countless shitty experiences is near impossible. but it's what i have to do if i want anything in my life to get better. i need to stop letting the things that he did hold me back. i need to live for me. i need to be better for the people that i love. i can't keep letting things that happened in the past ruin my future. i can't keep repeating the same mistakes.
maybe you see now that i'm willing to change. maybe you somewhat see that i've been trying really hard. maybe you understand that it does take time. it's not easy. especially with all the stress. maybe you realize that i'm going to be patient with you as you try to change also. we aren't just changing for the sake of our relationship. i don't want you to think that you're just changing because i want you to. i want you to see that changes will help you in life also. instead of fighting each other when times get hard, we need to help each other. i've never been good at letting things go. i've always let the little things hurt me to no end. but i see now that i need to change that. however, i need you to realize that i can't do it without you. you know im sensitive and it helps nothing when you're so stubborn and hard headed about things. and i know that sometimes you slip up. you're not perfect. you're not always going to do the things i want you to do. i'm going to be patient. i'm going to be accepting of your mistakes. as long as things don't get out of hand, i'm not going to stress every mistake you make. only if you're willing to do the same for me.
we both have a lot of stress in our lives right now and it's having a huge effect on our relationship. i know that sometimes it's hard to want to keep going when things seem like they're never going to get better. i firmly believe that as long as we know what the problem is and we're willing to fix it, then we can make it through anything. i love you more than anything in my life right now. you are what i look forward to every day. you are what puts a smile on my face when i'm down. you're the one i would do anything for. anything. so i refuse to let you go. i refuse to let over exaggerated arguments tear us apart. you mean too much to me to let that ever happen.
this is for you
and this is for me
this is for the both of us
for eternity

what to do when you are dead

it completely blows when you think youre doing everything in your ability to make things better but its not working. it just tears my heart out. all this time, ive been thinking that ive been making improvements. but you cant see that. it hurts like hell. but i guess it goes both ways. now i get how youve been feeling. but that doesnt mean that we cant fix things. it doesnt mean that things arent going to get better. this sort of stuff just takes a while. it feels like youve lost all of your patience. its like weve switched roles. but i dont know. i dont know what to say. the point is, theres no way in hell im letting you go. not after all the promises. not after everything you and i have said. hell no.

love it or left it

i can't even express how much i dislike you right now. you are one of the most selfish people in the world. you are terrible at helping me when i need you. you never succeed in actually being there for me. you get mad at me whenever i don't want to talk about something. why can't you just respect when i'm not ready to talk about something. you have no reason to get mad about that. that's just being selfish. when i'm upset, it's not about you. it's about me. you are a complete jackass for yelling at me when i'm upset just because i don't do the things you want me to do. you're a jerk for yelling at me when i don't want to talk about something that's bothering me. you're an idiot for getting pissed when the things you say to "comfort" me don't succeed in helping me feel better. seriously, who gets mad at a person when their advice doesn't work? have i ever done that to you? have i ever yelled at you when you don't want to talk about something? i have countless examples of when you've been upset and you won't talk about what happens. have i ever gotten pissed when i'm trying to help you and you won't take my advice or when what i say doesn't help? no, i have NEVER done that. i have remained patient and i kept suggesting things and i have wished you the best even when you wouldn't listen.
this relationship is completely unfair. last night, when you were upset that you're parents constantly think their right, i asked what situation led you to say that. i asked what conversation you and your parents were having. you wouldn't tell me. you just gave me general answers. so what right do you have to get mad at me when i'm upset about something and after you saying two fucking things it doesn't help me. i didn't do anything wrong. it is not my fault that your advice didn't help make me feel better in that exact moment. it's also not my fault that you hurt me when you got pissed at me. i was completely justified in calling you a jerk, a jackass, and a dick. that is what you are when you get pissed at someone when they're upset. you are so selfish. when you try to help me, you're only thinking of yourself. you getting pissed is just fucking selfish. you calling me a bitch when i get mad at you because you clearly did something to hurt me, is one hundred percent selfish.
if you think that i owe you any form of apology for what happened last night, then you're more of a prick that i thought. i don't owe you any apology. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't do anything to cause you to get annoyed or angry at me. i was right when i called you a jerk because that's the way you were acting. i was justified in being hurt by you and being angered by what you said. you were completely fucking wrong and out of line. this is your fault and i am not going to be the one who offers that we fix it. that's your fucking job. if you don't fix it and if you don't say you're sorry for every fucking thing you did, then this is over. i am not going to put up with someone treating me like shit when i'm upset. i deserve better than that. you were wrong and i have numerous people who have seen the texts and who agree with me that you're a jackass. so if you want to sit there and make this look like it's all my fault, then you're a fucking idiot.
i hate you.