warped

oh, i completely forgot to mention warped tour which was yesterday. we took a mini van and a car because we had twelve people. i used to think jordan was a bad driver until i saw how terrible dylan peyer is. so glad i wasnt driving with him. the road trip was super fun though. it was nic e not to have any adults around for once. plust, tj always makes me giggle.
the weather this year was soooo much better. i got some nasty sunburn but so did everyone else. i saw suicide silence, bring me the horizon, the word alive, parkway drive, emmure, artist vs poet, the rocket summer, mayday parade, sum 41, we the kings, alkaline trio, pennywise, four year strong, attack attack, alesana, and glimpses of a few others. suicide silence is a million times better live than on their cds. the rocket summer was the best thing ever since this time i knew every one of the songs. bryce avery is just super talented and he puts on a great show. we saw austins cute friends from greenbay at the attack attack show which was funny because we met them at the attack attack show last year too. jordan snyder has undeniably perfect hair ^_^ haha.
i only bought one thing while we were there which was a the rocket summer tank top. its super cute so i love it. i had twenty dollars left and i really wanted to buy something else but i was being ridiculously picky for no reason. instead of searching for another shirt i should have bought a poster or a cd. i also got a lil bring me the horizon poster so i guess its okay.
even though i was completely dead afterwards and fell asleep on the car ride home, going to dennys once we got back into town was one of the best parts of the night. six dollars for a grand slam is the best deal ever. thank you dennys for being my only meal of the day at 11 pm.
the line up this year was nowhere near as awesome as last year but it was nice not having to constantly leave shows early so we could catch other ones. i actually got to see most of the full sets with exception to a few. im super excited for next year. i just need to bring more money.

well...

i can honestly say i never thought we would last this long. especially after what just happened. changing things is going to take a long time i guess. its also going to take a long time before things get better i suppose. i lose my faith and my temper from time to time and you know i have every reason and right to. sigh...i just honestly am not sure what to do or say most of the time. ive already told you how it hurts and ive already expressed all of my anger and sadness to you so i guess the only thing left to do is try and move on. i think you are finally realizing what you need to do and i think youve finally gotten it through your head about how i feel and why i feel that way.
we are such a mess.....
what i dont understand is why we are still together if neither of us are happy. i hate you for what you did and im angry and shit but i just cant bring myself to stop talking to you. it makes no sense to me. i need you even when youre the one that is hurting me the most.
i just dont know how i feel anymore. im not quite sure what else there is for me to say.

dreaming with a broken heart

yeah, in case anyone was wondering, i believe my last three post titles with exception to "i don't know" have been john mayer song titles. it's like the man knows how to sum up my life with a lil phrase. i love john mayer.
is it pathetic that i am so used to being let down that it hardly surprises me anymore? it's like i just see this shit coming. okay, so maybe i didn't see anything this big coming. i honestly thought you had been telling me the truth. i honestly thought you had changed. i honestly thought you cared. all the while i am writing this, my heart hurts but i have no more tears to shed. it's funny how the little things get me so easily but when something big happens i just push away all the emotions. yeah, it hurts like a fucking bitch. yeah, i've been having a lot of anxiety. yeah, i can't sleep at night. yeah, it's all thanks to you and the fact that you completely ripped my heart out. yeah, it's all your fault. but when it comes to crying or wanting to lie in bed all day or just giving up on life in general, i'm not doing it this time. i don't know. i think it just hurts so much that i honestly cannot deal with it. i'd rather try and forget about it rather than face it. you hurt me. a lot.
i can't figure out what the worst part of this is. the simple fact that you lied to me. maybe it's that you didn't love me enough or care about me enough to actually do the things you said you would. or it's the fact that you didn't stop to consider me for two seconds. i never crossed your mind once. it might be that you knew how much it hurt me when you did this before and you just kept on doing it behind my back for so long. possibly it's that you knew that i had trust issues. you knew how hard it was for me to break down my walls and trust you. you knew that i trusted you more than anyone else. perhaps the worst part is that i will never trust you again.....
it sucks a lot when you love somebody so much, you love them more than anybody in the world, you make and keep promises for them, you change for them, you do things you've never done before for them, you completely open yourself up to them, and they just........they just shit on you.....
you don't deserve my sadness. you don't deserve anything i do for you. you broke my heart and i won't give you another fucking tear for it. i'm done crying over all the shit you do. honestly, i was just starting to really have hope for us. i was going to do everything to make things better again. i was ready for us to last forever. everything was just starting to be perfect again. then, you dropped this bomb on me. this time, i'm not so sure i'm willing to clean up the mess. right now, all i want to do is pick myself up, clean myself off, and leave you behind to deal with all the wreckage. you created it anyways. so you deal with it.

bold as love

truth be told, some days are definitely better and today just happened to be one of those better days. the simple things will always prevail in making me happy. friends stopping by unannounced. going to buy a new cd that is outside of my comfort zone. blasting that cd while driving randomly around town with the windows rolled down. watching the best tv show ever. and even though me and you did a lot of arguing today, even though you yelled at me for an hour and a half straight, even though tears were shed, i think it was exactly what we needed. to be honest, ive never loved you so much. p.s. i love that we both love skittles. youre amazing ♥
so my mom threw a lia sophia party the other day. lots of people came and i was happy because i knew my mom would have been disappointed if it was a bad turnout. also, a lot of people ordered jewelry and a few people even booked their own lia sophia parties. this is fantastic news because that means we get a lot of free jewelry. im getting an ankle bracelet, a toe ring, and a ring. im pretty excited.
hmhmhm what else? i have officially decided that im going to warped tour along with a million other people. we are taking a mini van and a car. wow fun. i definitely plan on seeing mayday parade, the rocket summer, we the kings, and attack attack. ive already forgetten who else is going. im pretty sad that motion city soundtrack and the all-american rejects wont be at the milwaukee warped tour. that completely sucks dick. but whatever. its still going to be awesome.
having a job isnt as terrible as i thought it would be. it only sucks when in conflicts with my plans and when ive had a shit day and i just dont feel like going. otherwise its been great to finally have money to just spend on whatever.
i am obnoxiously pissed at playlist.com. it totally fucked up my blog playlist and my john mayer playlist that i made. im not sure when i will have the motivation to fix those things. i love john mayer so much. damn you, playlist.com.
i know that i really really really want to be a psychiatrist/psychologist/art therapist or whatever. ive even already picked out the college i want to go to. its an all girls catholic school in milwaukee. its pretty much perfect. but sometimes i just feel like that isnt exciting at all. i feel like its obnoxiously cliche and predictable. sometimes, i like to dream of being a make up artist or a tattoo artist. i really do like make up but for some reason i feel like i dont belong in that profession so ive held myself back from persuing it. plus, i dont think i would get support from anyone to do it. i would love to live an edgy life and be a tattoo artist. i want so many tattoos and i love artwork. but once again, i dont feel like im talented enough and i dont feel like i belong. i would definitely be happy being a psychiatrist but sometimes i like to dream. maybe i could have a side job or something. who knows.
i wonder where we will live when we get old enough to own a place together. will you want to go south or will you want to stay in the midwest. maybe you dont want to do either of those. i honestly cant picture myself anywhere but in the midwest. i love madison, milwaukee, and chicago. any other place, id be very reluctant to live in. i wonder what type of house we will buy. a townhouse, a ranch style, an apartment. i wonder what our kids will look like. will they have your curly hair? will they be skinny like me? i hope they like swingsets. id be heartbroken if they didnt. and i hope they like skittles. haha who doesnt like skittles? =] how many pets will we have? ive never had a dog so im not sure if i would like living with one. we will for sure have kitties. i wonder what sort of trips we will take. i wonder if everything will be perfect like ive always imagined it.
summer is pretty much half over. i wish i would stop counting down the days. i am so far from excited for next school year to start but i am going to try my hardest to take a different approach on things. i dont want it to be another miserable year. but i want to stop thinking about that. its summer.

i dont know

unwanted. unimportant. useless. worthless. stupid. pathetic. unloved. unlovable. undesirable. obnoxious. nothing special. nothing worth fighting for. nothing at all. crazy. insane. unable to be dealt with. not worth the effort. not worth anything. annoying. bitchy. a cunt. a wench. waste of space. what does it matter.

slow dancing in a burning room

im in love with this boy. a boy with brown hair and wonderful brown eyes and this enticing medium brown skin. he has a mind like no other. his thoughts are deep. i consider him to be very wise and insightful. i know he always has a lot on his mind. he is very talented. he is a good artist. his way with words is like pure poetry to me. his passion and his fascination with things is lovely. he aspires to be a chef and i have no doubt that he will be the best. he isnt exactly funny. no, i wouldnt use that word to describe him. but sometimes, without even trying, he makes me laugh. its a laugh that only he has the privilege to experience. yes, he amuses me quite often. he can make me smile so much my cheeks hurt. we could talk all day every day and never run out of things to say. he is very romantic. i know he would pay perfect attention to me. i have no doubt that he could satisfy my every need.
i want to be with him forever. i dont think ive ever truly loved anyone more. i know for a fact that ive never cared so much about somebody before. i crave his attention and his approval more than anyone else. i want to please him. i want to make him happy. i want all of our hopes and dreams to become reality. i want to love him like he has never been loved before. i want to be his one and only. forever and always.


i wish things could be perfect all the time. i guess when you love somebody so much and they love you the same, its impossible to avoid arguments. he and i dont think the same. he has said it before; i think with my emotions and he uses logic. in my opinion, we both are dreamers but we are also pessimists. we just do it in our own way. i know im not always open with everything. but he seems so distant at times. sometimes, it feels like hes holding back. i feel like there is still a lot that i dont know about this boy. sometimes, the things he does or fails to do make me feel like he doesnt care as much as i do. sometimes, it feels like he doesnt care when he hurts me. i know, or he says, he doesnt intentionally hurt me but he does it anyways and it always leads to problems. i know i hurt him sometimes too. most of the time im not trying. sometimes its on purpose and for that i am a terrible person. whenever we disagree about something, it leads to a huge fight and most of the time it leads to goodbyes. whenever one of us hurts the other, its the same exact way. he isnt good with apologies or seeing things from other peoples point of view. im not blaming him for everything. i never claimed to be a strong individual and i never claimed to be perfect. im a weak mess. but i try. i really do. i put forth all of my effort. i try to change when i know that something is wrong. i make him the center of my attention. it just seems like he isnt trying to change. maybe its because he never tells me things. i rarely know what he is thinking or feeling. it makes things so hard. all of this plus the fact that we are miles apart just makes this so painful.


the good times with this boy are great. when things are good between me and him, i couldnt ask for more. when we laugh and smile together, its like the world is perfect and nothing could go wrong. but when we argue, when we fight, when we disagree, its hard. its hard to stay when it seems like nothing will change. i want to be with this boy forever but im afraid that the future will only bring more and more fighting. im afraid that one day we will grow to despise each other. i love him through think and thin. but when we fight, he comes off as so cold and so uncaring. in those moments, i find it hard to find something to love about him....i just dont know what to do anymore.......i know that we can pull through whatever happens but i also know that shit will just keep happening over and over again. i just dont know if i can handle all of the useless fights and all of the getting hurt and the heartache.


i love you more than anything but i just dont know...