p.s.

somehow my "comments" got changed to "mutherfuckers talkin shit" and i do not enjoy it. nor do i know how to change it. ive tried but nothing works. makes me sad.

born to quit

i wish things like this didnt happen on a daily basis. our communication sucks for lack of a better word. two strong headed people are not meant to be together. no matter how many times we cry, we yell, we fight, we fix things, it always seems like we resort back to our old ways. in no way would i ever really want to blame you for everything. that would be wrong. i do the same things as you. i find it pathetic that we cant realize when we are wrong. we cant just stop and listen to the other person. even when i mean no harm by what im saying, you take offense. even when you did not mean to hurt me, im hurt. even when i try to calmly tell you how i feel, you get defensive. it seems like everything turns into an arguement between us these days. you tell me i dont listen. you call me a hypocrite. you say im being a bitch. but as those words fall from your lips, you fail to see the things you have already said. i never claim to be better than you. i try my hardest to not assume what youre going to do. yet, you cant give me that same respect. i know my anger can be a terrible thing. yours is too whether you will admit it or not. in some ways, i feel like i admit more of my faults than you admit of yourself. you say you want to talk things out by how am i supposed to do that when youre being so hostile? sometimes, it feels like you yell at me like a father would scold a child. it seems very condescending. you speak matter of factly then say youre just stating an opinion. i know thats exactly what i did today so i cannot really say its all your fault all of the time.
it breaks my heart every time we do this. alas, i honestly cant change the way i feel. i cant program myself to not take offense to things that bother me. im sorry i am so emotional at times. im sorry i voice when i am hurt or bothered. and it would be stupid of me to expect you to change the way you feel about things. most of the time, i feel like we are destined to be like this for the rest of our time together. i know you say you want to fix things. i know you say forever and always.

but what if that is not best for us?

what if forever and always will bring us more disaffection and pain that happiness?



i dont know what to do.



i dont know what to say.



i dont know how i feel.



...

eh, nothing else i can say

mother, you hated that your parents hated you. well, i hate that you hate me. and hopefully soon youll hate that i hate you. thank you for occasionally realizing that you give me hell on a daily basis. fuck you for not doing a damn thing to change. you say im such a bitter, angry, bitchy child. jeez, i wonder why.
i blame you and that swell man you married for the relationship issues i have today. i blame you for starting a family that was destined to fail. you chose to be a stupid teenager. you chose to marry a man that you knew was terrible. you chose to say all of those things youve said to me. youve sealed both of our fates. for you, youre going to be a lonely old woman. and me? well, im just going to be called crazy and insane by every person i love because im paranoid out of my mind thanks to all of the things ive had to experience. yeah sure, i could blame my dad for the abuse he dished out and all of his bullshit. however, i see more and more clearly each day that it was you who allowed all of those things to happen.
maybe im exaggerating a little. i know thats not how i should think. im just angry right now. im bitter. im a bitch. how many more times do i have to hear it? yeah, i get that im crazy. i hate myself enough for it. i already despise who i am. do you have to make it worse?



cool.

we are...

a rough sketch of an idea im working on
it could need some additions or rearrangements or things taken out
it could be perfect just the way it is

* * *

we are those who seek but cannot find

we are the lost and troubled souls

we are the bleeding hearts

we are the damned

we are the living

everchanging

lately, not much has changed. looking back at my last post, the whole world has changed. this is not updated at all. i attempted a post a few weeks ago. i had so much to say but there were some errors and well, here i am.
previous events:
i went to a motion city soundtrack concert with sing it loud, fun, and a rocket to the moon.
also! i went a say anything concert with angels and airwaves.
now that ive seen motion city and say anything, i am ready to die...teehee =]
arranging my thoughts into something intelligent and interesting just isnt going to happen today. however, now is when i have the time and motivation so its going to happen no matter what.
i must kickstart my blogging habit again

oh lord, where to start......

my feelings towards life have been changing. by being a wallflower, i have observed a lot. thats kind of what i do now. i dont really like to participate anymore. maybe its just this place that i am trapped. i feel like i am so far beyond this town and the people in it. i want to leave. i want to be somewhere new. this town has nothing left to offer me but bad memories and hate. i have grown very indifferent to my surroundings. i have discovered that i can fight and fight and fight for my views and opinions. i can try to make things go my way. but that rarely happens and when it does, i find myself very unsatisfied. the picture in my head will never become reality. reality will never equal my expectations and hopes and dreams and aspirations and....

it seems as though nobody listens to the things i say anymore. i notice people looking away when i talk. they even interupt me and start conversations with other people. due to this, i keep most things in my head. i do not discuss the way i am feeling. i try to not express my opinions. i say a lot of "i dont know" and "maybe". i cannot completely blame my friends for our disconnect. i am also the one who let things slide and disappear. it just seems like i am going in a different direction than they are. they all want to go to school events and hang with these kids i am not fond of and all of this other whatnot. i really cannot explain it in the right way. i want to talk to different people; people that dont exist in this town. i have yet to find someone who is anywhere near interested in all of the things that i am. i feel alone and very isolated. i feel as though i have nothing to contribute to peoples conversations.

i want summer. i desire a time to renew. a time where i can just be me. i can do the things i want to do. i can relax. i can be free. i hate all of these deadlines. i loathe the anxiety. i despise the drama. i want to be rid of all of it.

seasonal affective disorder. i am staring at the blue sky. hardly a cloud in sight. according to any therapist, this would mean im supposed to be happy. so why am i apathetic? yes, rainy days and dark clouds typically mean sadness and anger for me. but the sun still cannot save me from my irrational moods. i make no sense to myself. i do believe that no therapist can fit me into their frivolous little categories.

back to summer. i want to talk about my plans.
two days after school gets out, june 11th, ill be boarding a plane to florida and i wont be coming back until june 19th. sometime in july, ill be on my way to california. working on persuading my mom to let me go to LA for a day. i want to snort mountains of cocaine and get lost in the sex, drugs, and disaffection. for sure. also, im hoping to go to michigan (the up) for some sort of camping trip. still not sure if thats actually going to happen or if ill be going. we shall see. if i come back from california in time and can scrape up some money, id love to go to warped tour. i plan on borrowing the first season of true blood from tai. that should occupy me quite easily. i want to get some more money to buy piles upon piles of novels about teen angst, depression, drugs, sex, suicide and all that jazz. i also want to find more time to do my artwork since i find myself to be rather unmotivated and distracted in school. and of course i would be happy if i could find more time for this little thing so i can document my craziness.

oh me, oh my.
i think that is enough for one post. i feel it necessary to expand on a few of these thoughts but not all at once.

to be continued

eventually