walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave

i feel like its hard to rely on anyone these days. as soon as i get close to someone, that person finds a way to let me down. whether they realize it or not. or maybe i just take things too personally. i find myself trying to ponder the things that people do. not too in depth but i just want to see and understand. why this person loves this other person. why that person cant say whats on their mind. why i cant either...

listening to my ipod on shuffle is dangerous business. i start out listening to something dance/pop-punk and im in a good mood. then, it always turns sour and so do i. i need someone around to keep me from doing these things to myself. i know its bad to stay home by myself, but i insisted on it tonight. its not doing me much good.

id rather see the good in a bad person than the bad in a good person. i critique people too much and when i end up being right about them, i rarely feel proud of the work ive done. thats why i want to be a therapist. i want to be there to bring out the light from within a dark soul. that is all i want to do. i never again want to pick apart a person until i hate them so. alas, i cannot help myself. i dont see why people like me.

im still a jealous person. things havent changed much here. one day, ill find comfort in reality. until that day, im a miserable mess. sometimes, a hot mess but thats only on those rare days that show themselves when people actually decide to give a crap and act like the person they say they are. oh lordy.

i think that other peoples drama is kinda hilarious yet a nuisance at the same time. i think other people should just shut up.

by the way, im having trouble accepting winter. its such a happy time. therefore, i beckon it to come forth. then again, i despise wearing winter clothes and im not very fond of cuddling these days so that does me no good.

i went to a concert the other day. there were a lot of couples in the crowd holding eachother and kissing. im not a romantic in the least. lately, i just find that pathetic. i think im just bitter.

i like swearing but when people do it too often and out of context, i just hate it. i think other people should stop making me loath all the things i used to love. i blame other people for causing all the problems i have. you all are the reason i am the way i am. im just the one who chooses to do nothing about it. but that doesnt make it my fault. its not my fault, its never my fault.

it's all in your goodbyes

can i start by saying i hate the fact that nobody reads this? it's exactly like talking to a brick wall. in all reality, i prefer the brick wall to actual people because the brick wall can't attack you or judge you or any shit like that.

i don't mean anything i say anymore. i never stick with what i say. i find it hard to believe myself when i talk. i won't deny things to other people, but i lie to myself each and every day. it's a protection service for myself. i need to find some sort of comfort or else i'll be seeing the end soon.

i don't know if i can continue helping people with their problems anymore. it's too much of a hassle for my dying soul. i don't know if i can rely on anyone anymore because the second things take a turn for the worse, i'm forced into a state that i can't even explain.

i'm angry at my father who only texted me on my 16th birthday and got drunk and failed to pay child support yet again. i really wanna know what the fuck i did to deserve this. why god decided to place this burden and everlasting pain on my shoulders. i wanna know why i can't cope, why i struggle, why i feel lost and lonely every single day. it's amazing how one person can do this to another. we all die. i cannot say what happens when we do. i just hope i no longer have any worries, pain, anger, anxiety, stress because i've had about all i can take.

i know a lot. i know every fault i have. i know every strength i have. i know what's wrong and right. i know how things should be. alas, i feel that this is all useless to me.

i can't believe i let other people's problems ruin my birthday yesterday and my good day today. i care a lot more than i should. it's immense the level of caring i hold. it is also immense the level of shit i get from the people i care about. i don't know exactly what i mean by that because i'm not sure if it's true.

everything depends on the day for me. what i like, how i act, what upsets me, what i do. i find it hard to hold a relationship with people because of this. nobody has the capacity or understanding to deal with me. and when they do, i fuck it up. they fuck it up. i lose everything i have.

i'm not sure anymore. the second something feels right to me, i get told it's wrong. the second i'm sure of something, i either pull myself away or someone else does. it's like i'm destined to fuck up. my belief in god depends on the day too. it's hard to believe in something that is supposed to love you when your life is shit. when i do believe, all i can do is ask why. god, if you have a reason for this, i need to know now. i honestly cannot handle this. do you see me falling apart? do you see my mistakes? do you see my regrets?

does anybody see anything? or do they just choose to ignore it because that is the only way to maintain normality. it's they only way they can make themselves feel better so they don't have to live each day with a burden on their shoulders. it's the only thing any of us can do to keep our heads straight.

this world...sometimes i wish it had never happened.

seasons

my bipolar disorder has become more prominent in these past few months. there isnt much i wish to do about it. the worst part is that i know everything about my problem and i can put a name to all the stages and emotions but im helpless. you guys, its really not as bad as im making it out to be.

ive been alright. not too productive. thats not always a bad thing. i sleep like shit every night cuz i go to bed at indecent hours. ive been staying up talking to my boyfriends best friend. he recently told me about his feelings for me and i cant deny the fact that i have them too. its very confusing. i dont know how to handle the situation. all i can do is feel guilty about it. yet i enjoy talking to him. so its a guilty pleasure. i finally know what that means now.

my 16th birthday is tomorrow. i got my first surpirse birthday party ever. it was small but thats good because i hate large gatherings. i get panic attacks easily.

i dont really know what i want right now. im just going with the flow because there is no use trying to figure things out when im so emotionally out of control.

its really no big deal.