rollercoaster

im in a strange place right now.  oftentimes, i feel like im doing better than ive ever done before.  i feel motivated, inspired, and like im moving forward in the right direction.  i feel as though ive been experiencing joy again for the first time in what seems like forever.  on the contrary, it is clear to see that the emotions ive been trying to submerge are fighting their way to the surface.  "i cannot drown my demons; they know how to swim."  i find myself missing him in the little ways.  i find myself becoming very sad when i think about him.  knowing that its for the better does not exactly help.  i have not yet been able to put my finger on exactly what it is that is making me so sad, but we all knew the breakup would catch up to me eventually.
the other day, lyle asked me what i want in a relationship, and i had no fucking answer to give.  besides trust.  i was able to say that much.  maybe i cant tell him what i want in a relationship because the simple thought of being in a relationship right now seems to scare the shit out of me.  i dont even want to ask him questions because im afraid that i will not like the answers.  i wonder why my mind constantly needs to be in a tug of war battle with itself all of the time.  its constantly racing with thoughts from all over the fucking spectrum.  why cant i just be happy or sad?  one or the other.  maybe if i could stay in one place for long enough, then i could actually start figuring some shit out.  im not sure how i feel about him right now.  there are things about him that make me feel a strong connection.  however, of course, there are things that make me cringe or roll my eyes.  sometimes, its hard to talk to him.  we run out of conversation.  he keeps asking me to be his girlfriend.  like hes in a rush, but its only been three weeks since i met him.  i dont fucking know.
i asked ganske for jacks number last night.  i think it finally dawned on me that i would have zero friends when i moved back to milwaukee.  i know he and i have our quirks, and he often influences me in bad ways.  not to mention the fact that hes connected to people who are connected with zakk.  i dont know.  i guess i just liked how easy it was to laugh around him.  still, i feel like, once again, im starting to go back to all of the things i tried running away from in the first place.  i just cant figure anything out.
i dont know what i am in this moment.  lethargic. apathetic.  i often try to convince myself that this roller coaster of emotions is fun.  that i wouldnt want to live life like everyone else does.  lets be honest, not being able to get your head and heart straight fucking sucks.  especially when youre trying to start new relationships.
tonight i plan on attempting to sketch an outline for the tattoo i plan on getting.  at least i could decide on that.  glad i can make one decision about commitment.  im glad that im being creative again.  i can honestly thank lyle for that.  something about him awoke that part of me.  i just find it strange that i can only be creative when im depressed or numb.  hence, the poem about how depression and sadness are my only fucking lovers.  
right now i just want to be alone, sip on some whiskey, and attempt to produce forms of art that i am actually somewhat proud of.  unfortunately, this is far from reality.  so off i go to be stuck in my head all night and unable to do anything about it.

Ground Control To Major Tom

i'm kinda in the middle of a personal crisis right now =/ i don't even know how to explain it in a comprehensible way cuz it doesn't even make sense to myself. basically, i'm just indecisive and right back at lethargic like i was over the summer. like seriously, only a few days ago i was the happiest kid in the universe. now, i don't know what's happening. everything seems to be changing and i don't know how to handle it. all of my self changes are a mystery to me. my point of view. my likes and dislikes. my wants. it's confusing and scary. but, not really. not to a normal person.

i can't seem to get myself together. i'm never happy with what i have. i want exactly the opposite. when i'm alone, i want to be around people. when i'm with people, all i want is some time to myself. when it's cloudy, i want the sun. when it's bright, i want dark. quiet, loud. noisy, silent. the way i feel towards people is different now. i don't know what sort of relationship i want with my dad. i can't make up my mind on how i feel towards my mom. hmhm...

i've also lost my inspiration and motivation...again. i'm supposed to be doing portfolio drawings in art, but i have no idea what i want to draw. i love art and supposedly i have talent. however, that talent is totally useless if i don't know how to make use of it. and i really really really like writing, but i lack subject matter. i always come back to the same old things. i crave something new. not practical or ordinary. strange. divine. this world just doesn't have that and it's bringing me down right now. it's like i've closed my eyes on what i used to see as simple beauty and magnificence. i'm completely lost here.

We All Get What We're Deserving Of

oh it makes my lips tingle! the word clusterfuck is a personal fave.

this morning it smelt like worms outside because of the rain we got last night. that scent displeases me >_<

so i should've metioned this earlier. about 8 days ago, but...oops. i really like october. to me, the entire month of october is like one big halloween celebration. once those decorations hit peoples lawns it's like BAM! halloween bitches! so yeah, i pretty much have my own month long celebration going on with that cuz i don't think anyone else actually thinks the same as i do. i'm also like that with the month of december and christmas. it's a jolly good time folks. =]

today, when i arrived in my spanish class i took a look at my desk and it was bare. there was a faint trace of pencil marks in the shape of a milkshake but nothing remained. that damn janitor caught word of the mutilation of school property. so, mutilation is a harsh word for having a desk conversation. anyway, i was sad but what can you do about it cept move on. it was no big deal from the start.

in global studies, i have a really cool teacher. everyone says that mr. conway is way cooler but i think mr. maurman is pretty amazing himself sometimes. the things we rant about in that class...sososo, mr. maurman is gonna be a chaperone at homecoming and while talking about this, he pulled out a huge stack of rulers. they exist still kids! save room for the holy spirit if ya smell what i'm stepping in. =P

speaking of homecoming, it's spirit week this week. monday was rival day so we had to wear gear from the rival highschool in town. tuesday was color war day so all the grades had to wear a certain color. today was superhero day which i loved and hated because some of the kids were hilarious but others were just fucktards. thursday is farmer day cuz our highschool is best known as cow pie high. old nickname. and to finish it off, friday is spirit day so we sposed ta wear school colors. i like this week a lot tho i'm not the biggest participator.

so in the beginning of the year, i had a lot of anxiety and i never could figure out the cause. well, now those feelings have purdy much left my soul [for the most part]. in fact, i've been invaded with some lame lethargy. i don't wanna be all sappy and complain about it. i just could'nt care less about shit. i do it but i don't care why. no real excitement or enthusiasm. just lethargy. it fills the air in my bubble.

one last thing before i go. been speaking of homecoming a lot and i'm extremely bothered that i'm not actually going with someone. i mean i'm going with friends and all but it's not a "someone". i wish i had a date. i wish i actually had a crush on someone. there isn't a single soul roaming around that i feel "feelings" for. no one gives me those butterflies or increased heart rate. i long for those feelings. the good kind of anxiety...=/