Ground Control To Major Tom

i'm kinda in the middle of a personal crisis right now =/ i don't even know how to explain it in a comprehensible way cuz it doesn't even make sense to myself. basically, i'm just indecisive and right back at lethargic like i was over the summer. like seriously, only a few days ago i was the happiest kid in the universe. now, i don't know what's happening. everything seems to be changing and i don't know how to handle it. all of my self changes are a mystery to me. my point of view. my likes and dislikes. my wants. it's confusing and scary. but, not really. not to a normal person.

i can't seem to get myself together. i'm never happy with what i have. i want exactly the opposite. when i'm alone, i want to be around people. when i'm with people, all i want is some time to myself. when it's cloudy, i want the sun. when it's bright, i want dark. quiet, loud. noisy, silent. the way i feel towards people is different now. i don't know what sort of relationship i want with my dad. i can't make up my mind on how i feel towards my mom. hmhm...

i've also lost my inspiration and motivation...again. i'm supposed to be doing portfolio drawings in art, but i have no idea what i want to draw. i love art and supposedly i have talent. however, that talent is totally useless if i don't know how to make use of it. and i really really really like writing, but i lack subject matter. i always come back to the same old things. i crave something new. not practical or ordinary. strange. divine. this world just doesn't have that and it's bringing me down right now. it's like i've closed my eyes on what i used to see as simple beauty and magnificence. i'm completely lost here.