landslide

so its been a freakin year since i last posted on here, and my last post wasnt even anything pertinent to what was occurring in my life at the time. this disappoints me, because this thing is like a history of my life and keeping it up would leave me with something that i can always look back on when im older. if its fun to look back on it now, i can only imagine how fun it will be when im like fourty.  in addition to this, i realize now how crucial it was for me to have a place to release my emotions.  although i would still prefer to talk to people, this is a place without judgment. i dont have to worry about what i say on here.  i can be me.  i can go to those dark places and release those terrible thoughts so that they no longer eat away at me.  i frequently have said ill make it a point to blog more , so im not making any promises this time because i suck at promises.  i just want to see if maybe this can help me again like it used to.
so what the fuck has been going on in my life for the past year and a half or so? im dating a boy named zakk. he is 22. met him in milwaukee through some dude i worked with at the college cafeteria. i wish i would have wrote about the first time we met and when we first used to hang out because those were some pretty crazy times. i used to drive to milwaukee for a weekend to visit him during the summer when i had to go back to janesville. lying to my mom was totally a great idea. i dont know how i fell for him so quickly, i dont know how weve already been dating for almost nine months. this past year flew by so quickly.  in all seriousness, a year isnt that long to have been dating, but it still feels like ive known him for a long time.  weve been through some terrible times. hes hurt me more than i ever could have imagined. but things are looking up right now. i stuck with him through it all. some people, okay a lot of people, called me stupid. said i should have left him. but i dont know. theres just something about him. i feel at home in his arms. ive truthfully never felt so close to someone before. he broke down my walls in an instant. if we can ever rebuild the trust and forget about the past, we will be a super couple. of this i am sure. im at that point in my life where im more mature, im more secure with who i am, and i know what i want. he just seems to really fit with all of that. in a few weeks we will be moving into a duplex together with two roommates.  i never thought that my dreams would come true. im nervous about moving out for real, but living in the dorms was kind of a halfway step there. so im sure it will be easier for me than it will be for zakk since he has always lived at home.  i just hope everything works out, because i hate getting my hopes up just to have them come crashing down.
i dont really know what else is going on right now. im just hella excited to get out of these dorms because i have a shitty roommate. she is completely lame, messy, rude, ignorant. i dont know why i ever signed up to live with her. i must have been high. i miss having my own space. that will be nice about the apartment. plus we get to take zakks cat with us. hes not my cats, but i love him nonetheless. which reminds me, whiskers has mouth cancer. i make myself forget about it most of the time. and its not like i live with him anymore so im not there to see him. which hurts me even more because i want to be with him in his last few months and i want to be able to help take care of him but i cant. ive never lost a pet before so i dont know how ill handle it, but im pretty sure ill handle it like shit because im a manic depressive idiot like that.
speaking of depression, im so totally over this bipolar thing.  ive been super depressed lately, but im pretty sure that zakk was the main cause of that. so im hoping that once me and zakk stop having problems, the major depression will end as well. but the mania and anxiety are just as bad. im sick of panicking all the time and i really hate having racing thoughts and shit. i feel like nobody really understands. and zakk isnt exactly the best at helping with these sort of things. he does the best that he can though and i sincerely appreciate his efforts. he does a lot for me. hes almost perfect...almost...
i know i have a lot more thoughts on my mind right now, but im having trouble organizing and solidifying them right now. plus my freakin hands are hurting from typing so fast. all i can think about right now is how i really wish i had some fucking coffee or creamer in my dorm because im a coffee addict and that sweet yet bitter flavor sounds so wonderful at the moment.
anyways, im going to take a break. give my mind a rest. most likely go back and read some old posts. should probably update my picture and info or something. i should definitely take off that playlist thing since it hardly works anymore.
im pretty sure ill return. i think i need it.