alifelessordinary

i make stupid decisions.  i knew that coming back to milwaukee would draw me back into my old ways.  the first day i was here, out of pure boredom, i called zakk and met up with him.  i even was  dumb enough to spend the night at his house.  then, i saw him again the next day.  i dont know what the hell i was thinking other than i was bored and really wanted some company.  not like he is good company, though... you would think i would know better by now.  i just never learn.  the entire time i was around him, i felt like bursting into tears.  i knew i never emotionally dealt with the breakup, but the choice to see him was not the right one by any means.  now, i am once again preoccupied with what he is doing, what he may be lying about, what girls he may be talking to.  once again, i am miserable thanks to him.  i want to go back to having an hour of distance between us.  it was much easier that way.  milwaukee is littered with memories of him.  what makes things even worse is that he took my choice to meet him as a sign that i wanted to work things out and eventually get back together.  i find myself once again being destroyed by the fact that he treated me like such shit, yet he claims im the only one he wants.  it makes no fucking sense.  i just want to move on...
among other people from my past, i also saw jack again.  even though we were once a thing, it was much simpler with him.  i mean he did try to kiss me once or twice, but at least he listened to me when i said we were just friends.  still, being associated with west allis and my old life in any way makes me uneasy.
my whole family seems overly enthused about my brother's friend, nathan, liking me.  i guess that means i should date him.  in spite of his religious status, he did not seem to care that i am atheist.  i guess maybe he does not realize how much that hinders the future like when i refuse to have a church wedding ceremony or when i dont want my kids baptized or when i wont want them going to church.  i dont think he understands how serious i am about it.  its not just a belief, its an identity and way of life.
i drank too much last night, so i have a headache like a motherfucker right now and cant really think straight.  that on top of the dorms being absurdly hot and my lack of any private space is making things extra difficult.  i cannot construct any put together thoughts, but i am so bored and desperate for things to kill time that i came on here and attempted to blog anyways.  this is quite a useless post.
fuck.

well whiskey

the past two days have felt a lot like the arrival of autumn, which is admittedly my favorite season.  the cool breeze, the smell in the air, all of the colors, and the holidays.  yet, for some reason, there is always an aching in my heart whenever fall comes around.  i do not know exactly what it is that makes me feel this way.  this year, i know it probably has something to do with the fact that me and zakk were both lovers of fall, and it will be difficult spending this one without him.  still, it goes a lot deeper than that.  this happens to me every year.  maybe, it is a touch of seasonal affective disorder.  perhaps it is something i do not quite recall from my past that triggers it.  either way, i have a feeling the next few months are going to be hard on me.
school is a little over a week away.  on top of being anxious about having to do the school work again and having a new roommate, growing closer to lyle has made me fear the feeling of homesickness.  i know i am going to be quite lonely without him.  it is already hard for me to spend a couple of days without him while we are living in the same city.  i know that i have jack, but i am starting to wonder if it will be awkward hanging out with him after all of this time has passed and we are no longer "lovers."  i just wish i could find a place to officially call my home.  being between milwaukee and madison has made me feel like i am caught between two lovers.
furthering my anxiety is the sure fact that milwaukee will bring forth a slew of bad memories that i do not want to deal with.  jack living in west allis will make it really fucking hard hanging out there with him.  i wonder if it is even a good idea for us to continue being friends since he is in somewhat the same circle of friends as zakk.  also, he is not exactly the kind of person i feel like i should be friends with.  i mean, i really just want someone to pass the time with...but i have suddenly grown moralistic about the kind of people i want in my life.  however, if i cut him out, i have no friends in milwaukee.  after finding out that my new roommate is only fucking eighteen years old, i have lost faith in her ability to be a close friend of mine.  i know that friendship and hanging out does not need to revolve around drinking, but i can finally fucking go out to bars and clubs and shit and that is what i want to do.  oh well.
just one more year of this college thing...then i enter the "real" world with a "real" job.  mike asked me the other day if i had thought about where i want to work after school.  for the longest time i thought i had everything figured out, but he made me realize that i have not put true thought into my actual career apart from what i MAYBE want to do.  i am probably worrying too much.  or maybe im not worrying enough.  getting a job in milwaukee means having to find an apartment in milwaukee and needing money for that...which i do not have.  getting a job in madison means staying with my mom which is already miserable and would be even more miserable once i am finally an "adult."  holy shit, the stress of the future has really started weighing down on my shoulders.
thinking about my future after college has me simultaneously thinking about the future of my love life.  wouldnt it be so easy if me and lyle worked out and we could get a place together after i graduated so i could have someone to split the cost with and an easy gateway into adulthood.  we have only known each other for a month now.  the more serious things get, the more nervous i get.  i almost feel like i am settling for him because he is the first guy who got my number and took me out to dinner.  i am stuck in an awkward place where he really likes me and i do not want to hurt him, but i genuinely want to continue my search to see what else is out there.  i do not want to get too serious with someone that i do not actually want to have a long future with...and right now i am just so unsure about everything...not because he is a bad guy, but because the little things really matter, and he may not be the one in the small senses.  oftentimes, things feel like they are moving too fast for me.  like last weekend when lyle got super jealous over the fact that i was hanging out with nate, my groomsman.  it feels like i am already sort of...trapped...in a serious relationship.  i just genuinely want to be happy and not have this end badly.  i wish my heart got all fluttery when i was around him, but i often feel a little dead inside.  this is probably just me, though...
occasionally, i entertain the thought of me and austin getting back together.  we have known each other for so long, and he definitely has it made with the army.  wouldnt things just be so simple... he comes home for a visit in december, and he said he really wants to see me.  i genuinely regret never sleeping with him when we were dating, and i would honestly love to make that mistake when he comes to visit (i say mistake for the fact that we are both seeing people currently.)  this is just a random thought.
apart from ranting about my pathetic love life...i have a real story to tell about something that made me think.  the other day, me and lyle were taking a walk through his neighborhood.  this guy (not to mention race, but i believe he was black) beckoned us over to him, because he needed help with some landscaping project he was doing.  i was highly reluctant, but lyle, being the nice guy he is, started to go over.  the guy must have been muslim because he kept saying "praise allah!" he was very outgoing and had such a vibrant personality.  he spoke to us like we were friends rather than strangers.  he called lyle big daddy or something like that.  his whole demeanor put a smile on my face and made me laugh.  anyways, he needed help folding this plastic sheeting so he could lay it down and put rocks over it to edge his driveway.  when we were done helping, he told us a little about himself.  with my bad hearing, i only caught something about his name meaning "the chosen one" and him being in two wars.  not knowing that me and lyle had only known each other for one month, he gave us advice about trusting each other and never lying and whatnot.  overall, it was an enlightening experience.  it felt inspiring being able to trust and help a stranger in a world where we are taught to fear strangers and unknown situations.  it was even more inspiring that he wanted to share himself and his wisdom with us.  i want to remember the little things like this, because i truly do love helping other people and learning from them.
with all of these thoughts and feelings swarming through me, i feel as though it would be an opportune time to construct a poem.  one about fall, death, change, love, etc. i have begun doing something i never used to.  i scrawl out my thoughts in a journal before i actually start writing the poem.  before, i used to just dive head first, and it would come out in final form.  however, it seems as if the words do not flow from me as easily in such a way.  either way, i have a lot of thoughts that need to be released in the form of one or more poems.  i am proud of myself for wanting to take my writing seriously.  a collection of poems is something you can carry with you throughout your life, and it is something my future family could look at and remember me by.  i feel like it would be a genuine accomplishment in my life, even if none of them ever get published.  i have no idea how to get published anyways.  sylvia plath used to simply stick her poems in an envelope and mail them to the editors of seventeen magazine (i wonder what that magazine was like back in the late 20s and early 30s, because it fucking sucks now.)  it cannot possibly be that simple nowadays.
today, i sit listening to acoustic and oldies music.  my mind filled with anxiety as well as inspiration.  although things are dreadfully confusing and a little scary at times, i am still doing better than what i was doing for the past three years.
keep moving forward...

nuptials

so, my brother got married this saturday.  it feels like so much time went into planning the damn thing, and then it was over within a matter of seconds.  i am so happy for him.  however, i do find myself being nervous over whether or not things will work out.  i think i am like that about many things lately, though.  as previously stated in probably all of my recent posts, the future fucking freaks me out lately.  anyways, the thursday before the wedding was the bachelorette party.  it was my first ever bachelorette party, and i presume based on movie comparisons that it was fairly tame.  i mean i did drink two shots of tequila and a few weak margaritas and two small glasses of wine.  we played that card game, cards against humanity, and i felt like the bad girl who knew what most of the cards referred to while my brother's fiance did not even know what road head was (dear lord...).  in spite of the fact that i do not fit in with such an innocent group of girls, i found friends.  it makes me happy that i am becoming more of a chameleon rather than someone who intentionally removes myself from social situations.  the rehearsal dinner was also quite fun.  i got to know my designated groomsman, nathan, a little bit more.  we have met two or three times in the past, but i managed to not talk the entire time.  i could not tell if he was being gentlemanly or flirting the whole time.  he pulled out chairs for me, joked that he got paired with the prettiest bridesmaid, told me i looked beautiful on the day of the wedding, and even messaged me the day after the wedding.  i do not know...a guy like him could never like a girl like me.  he went on my tumblr and read one of my poems.  based on some of my recent posts, he most certainly thinks i am a freak.  i have no idea how anyone lives such a sheltered christian lifestyle.  either way, i only cried a little bit on the day of the wedding, and everything went smooth apart from my awkward encounter with the dance floor in which i likely made a huge ass of myself.
in other important events, me and lyle had our first official fight type thing.  he was extremely jealous of my spending time with other guys.  in his defense, i was intentionally trying to say things that would make him jealous.  i dont know why i keep playing these same old games with guys i am trying to date.  is being happy too boring for me?  i do not even know what my own motivation is.  fighting with him was not a pleasant occurrence, so i have no idea why i went out of my way to cause it.  nonetheless, i did discover how insecure he is and how little trust he has for me or other people.  i keep finding issues now rather than things i actually enjoy.  once again, this may be something i am doing intentionally.  i think i like to ruin things...maybe its the way my heart beats quickly...like it is exciting to not know what the outcome will be.  maybe i like the challenge of trying to remedy the situation after i have completely destroyed it.
it is awkward how lyle is taking a shower in my home while i type out this post.  i seem to constantly be in my own world even in the presence of other people.  for instance, one of the groomsman at the wedding tried to ask me about why i am studying philosophy in school, and rather than answering his questions or opening up an intriguing debate, i chose to think about things in my own head and make a fool out of myself.  i am certain that he thought i had no idea what i was talking about, when in fact, it is a subject i am genuinely passionate about.  i have no idea why sharing myself with others is such a daunting task.  progress comes in stages, and maybe this is something that will fix itself sooner or later...
at this point in time, i almost feel like i am writing simply to pass the time, and i find my thoughts overlapping each other and no longer making sense.  therefore, i shall cease before i start to make less sense that i have already failed to make in the rest of this post.
progression...this is what i so desperately need.

rollercoaster

im in a strange place right now.  oftentimes, i feel like im doing better than ive ever done before.  i feel motivated, inspired, and like im moving forward in the right direction.  i feel as though ive been experiencing joy again for the first time in what seems like forever.  on the contrary, it is clear to see that the emotions ive been trying to submerge are fighting their way to the surface.  "i cannot drown my demons; they know how to swim."  i find myself missing him in the little ways.  i find myself becoming very sad when i think about him.  knowing that its for the better does not exactly help.  i have not yet been able to put my finger on exactly what it is that is making me so sad, but we all knew the breakup would catch up to me eventually.
the other day, lyle asked me what i want in a relationship, and i had no fucking answer to give.  besides trust.  i was able to say that much.  maybe i cant tell him what i want in a relationship because the simple thought of being in a relationship right now seems to scare the shit out of me.  i dont even want to ask him questions because im afraid that i will not like the answers.  i wonder why my mind constantly needs to be in a tug of war battle with itself all of the time.  its constantly racing with thoughts from all over the fucking spectrum.  why cant i just be happy or sad?  one or the other.  maybe if i could stay in one place for long enough, then i could actually start figuring some shit out.  im not sure how i feel about him right now.  there are things about him that make me feel a strong connection.  however, of course, there are things that make me cringe or roll my eyes.  sometimes, its hard to talk to him.  we run out of conversation.  he keeps asking me to be his girlfriend.  like hes in a rush, but its only been three weeks since i met him.  i dont fucking know.
i asked ganske for jacks number last night.  i think it finally dawned on me that i would have zero friends when i moved back to milwaukee.  i know he and i have our quirks, and he often influences me in bad ways.  not to mention the fact that hes connected to people who are connected with zakk.  i dont know.  i guess i just liked how easy it was to laugh around him.  still, i feel like, once again, im starting to go back to all of the things i tried running away from in the first place.  i just cant figure anything out.
i dont know what i am in this moment.  lethargic. apathetic.  i often try to convince myself that this roller coaster of emotions is fun.  that i wouldnt want to live life like everyone else does.  lets be honest, not being able to get your head and heart straight fucking sucks.  especially when youre trying to start new relationships.
tonight i plan on attempting to sketch an outline for the tattoo i plan on getting.  at least i could decide on that.  glad i can make one decision about commitment.  im glad that im being creative again.  i can honestly thank lyle for that.  something about him awoke that part of me.  i just find it strange that i can only be creative when im depressed or numb.  hence, the poem about how depression and sadness are my only fucking lovers.  
right now i just want to be alone, sip on some whiskey, and attempt to produce forms of art that i am actually somewhat proud of.  unfortunately, this is far from reality.  so off i go to be stuck in my head all night and unable to do anything about it.

the one

the first official poem that i have written in about three years.  it likely needs revision.  it has a very simple structure and some fairly obvious rhymes.  extra stanzas could be added to tell more of an in depth story.  i would not say it is anything special or my best work, but it is a start in the right direction.  this experience makes me wish i had someone who could help me with revisions.  creative writing classes are likely a good option for the future.

The One

I beckoned you back to me.

I cannot believe I ever set you free.

And you returned, running.

My God, it felt so stunning.

The truth is, we belong together.

Without you, there is no closure.

Lovers destined to one last gasp,

Miserable in each other's clasp.

I yearned for your suffocating grip

On my soul, the ties I could not clip.

You created the whole within my heart.

Filling it has become a useless art.

Nothing am I without you.

Eyes fixed on the sky, so blue.

Whenever I think I can fly free,

Of my barriers, you remind me.

This identity is all I have ever known.

It is manifested deep in my bones.

My dreams lie useless on a shelf.

Never meant to accomplish them myself.

My scars remind me that I am property

Of this illness that stripped my dignity

Straight out of my weak hands

Before I got a chance to make other plans.

You are the only lover I ever deserved.

This fate shall not be disturbed.

Soul mates until the bitter end.

My depression, my only friend.

landlocked blues

lately, when i think about my life, i actually feel like things are going uphill.  this is a strange thing for me.  i dont feel like my life is a disaster that needs fixing.  i mean, nothing is perfect, but i dont feel like im drowning in a sea of things i cannot control.  
my last year of college starts in less than a month.  my roommate finally emailed me.  i am strangely optimistic about these circumstances.  naturally, i tend to keep to myself.  however, i really hope this girl has a lot in common with me, because i could really use more friends in my life.  i feel as though randomly giving my number to lyle has made me more ballsy when it comes to meeting new people.  anyways, this morning i found myself thinking about how id like to go shopping around milwaukee with this girl, or to go out to the bars, or even if she would ever want to come back to madison with me over the weekend to walk state street and shit.  it feels refreshing wanting to open myself up to people.  i have matured a lot when it comes to dealing with changes and new people.  at the same time, i have also opened up more to doing things on my own. something as simple as going to a coffee shop on my own feels like a great leap forward for me.  maybe, i am finally starting to shed the weight of everything that has been holding me back my entire life.
my breakup with zakk has been strange.  unfortunately, i did it over text.  oddly enough, he has not had much to say about it.  i tried talking to him on the phone about a week ago, and he simply seemed in denial about it.  i dont know what i expected.  a proper goodbye maybe.  however, a clean break may be for the best.  i still get sad when i think about it.  its not easy to let go of someone you knew for three years.  not to mention that i was awfully close to his family and his pets.  so it has become letting go of much more than just him.  the thing is he probably has not told a single person that we broke up.  his facebook status still says hes in a relationship.  shit like this makes me feel like the whole breakup is just in limbo, but it is not actually finalized.  this makes me worry that my emotions are also just in limbo.  my current motto about this is just to take things one day at a time.  going back to class in milwaukee worries me, though.  i am fairly certain that i will end up bumping into him or his family.  i feel like im going back to all of the things that i tried to run away from.  more on this subject later...
lyle will be meeting my mom this saturday.  i guess this might make things official.  i have avoided putting a title on our relationship, because i am still reserved about fully giving myself to someone.  he and i have both said it feels like weve known each other for a lot longer than two and a half weeks...  i dont know if its just my fear or my actual emotions; however, i keep worrying that maybe i dont have those butterflies for him, or that there are things about him that turn me off.  in spite of this, there are still plenty of good things about him that are making me want to explore this more.  the other day, we spent the afternoon and evening walking around downtown and grabbing drinks at a few bars.  those are the simple things i always wanted to do but could never actually do with zakk.  bar hopping with him always turned into a sloppy night and a huge fight.  anyways, in all the times that i hang out with lyle, i find myself sharing a lot of things about me and my past with him.  i worry that this may be too much for him, but he always seems so understanding and willing to listen.  it is as though i am in this strange place where i have to figure out who i want to be when im in a relationship.  i am so used to being worrisome and controlling and insecure.  i dont know how to act with lyle.  i dont know what to feel like when he compliments another girl or something like that.  dating is fucking stressful.  maybe i am not ready for this.  i went from wanting to give my number to random guys to being on the verge of another serious relationship.  more on this subject later...
on a completely different subject, my hair stylist came into dsw the other day.  her husband had recently killed himself.  she told me about how she had to go down to the police station that day to pick up the gun he had used and the suicide note she had never read.  this put me deep in thought about when i had tried to commit suicide.  i dont exactly know why, but this story has stuck with me and had some effect on my ability to think straight the past couple of days.  its strange how often i dwell on the subject of suicide...
i need to do more interesting things in my life so i dont keep dwelling on the same boring shit every time i come on here.  im just happy that for once i feel like im moving forward in the right direction instead of being stuck in a shitty place and being depressed and anxious all of the time.  i hope this is the turning point in my life.

haze

i dont know why i thought it would be easy in the first place, but i suck at cutting people out of my life.  in spite of how shitty i was treated, i still find a way to miss what i had.  moving on to better things is never simple, and it is all sinking in at once.  i am trying to withstand the weight of everything coming down, but im fairly certain ill crack soon...and it will be a huge mess.
im officially afraid of commitment.  although marriage and weddings have been on my mind a great deal lately (much thanks to aaron and cassie's wedding coming up in two weeks), im suddenly super afraid of trusting lyle and being in a committed relationship with him.  hes absurdly sweet, but im fairly certain he has something hes hiding.  everyone always does...  not like i can expect him to fall in love with me and be perfect within a matter of two weeks...my mind is scattered as well as my heart.  
clearly, common sense would have told me, jumping from one relationship to another is difficult and confusing.  with the exception of my two first relationships in middle school (that hardly counted anyways), my relationships have always overlapped.  i dont think i have ever been officially single since freshman year in high school.  im sure that most people would tell me this is unhealthy.  im sure that i already know that...
i think the fact that school is coming up soon and ill be back in milwaukee again is dawning on me.  i officially have zero friends in the milwaukee area...so i presume it may be difficult to stay away from zakk.  christ knows he already is aware that ill be moving back soon, and he will probably do some crazy stalker thing like hes done in the past.  i cant believe i ever dealt with any of this shit...  it all should be a huge wake up call that more and more changes need to be made in my life.  i need to fucking grow up, make friends, and actually talk to people about my issues.  my last year in college and i have nothing to look forward to...
in this moment, i cannot get my thoughts or feelings straight.  my nerves are kicking in.  relationships are proving to be terribly frightening.  big changes are creeping closer and closer.  i need to muster up some strength quickly before life swallows me up...
this post made zero sense and served the simple purpose of an outlet in which i could vent aimlessly.

numb

for the sake of nostalgia, i read through some of my old posts, which ive done a million times in the past.  however, this time was different...my heart feels so distant from the past.  my memory is foggy.  i wish my mind stored little film strips of all my past moments so i could see them happening again.  it perturbs me that i cant remember most things, or that my memory of people and events is lacking a serious dosage of emotional attachment to the past.  i dont want to be like that anymore.  i want to be the way i was when i was a teenager and my damn emotions and hormones were running rampant.  i want to feel everything to my core.
i need to shake this pessimism and cynicism.  reading my old posts, i see that i have been this way for a while, and it has just gotten severely worse over the years.  i need my heart to be awaken once again.  i am so fucking mad at myself for letting things get this way.  an overwhelming wave of regret is washing over me in this very moment.  i NEED the future to be different..."im not even sad anymore, im just tired of this place...im not even sad anymore, im just so tired most nights..." thanks to the wonder years for playing in the background and perfectly describing my current sentiments.  i need to shake these fucking cobwebs.  this is my life, and ive already let so much time pass by in a blur...i cant fucking do this anymore.  
i get so determined sometimes.  i make a plan for change, and then i stay stagnant rather than doing the dirty work to fucking move forward.  i dont want to come on here a year from now and write about how i fucked everything up again.  i just miss being a kid...its so cliche to say that the world was simpler back then, but it was.  i could focus so deeply on what i was feeling and the people who owned little stakes in my heart.  what is life as an adult but a series of stressful choices and priorities?
this is me wanting to have a firm grip on the past as i move forward into the future. if that even makes sense...

came out swinging

so ive made the decision to start blogging again.  occasionally, i come back and read through all of my old posts, and it takes me back in time in the best way.  i miss the relief of writing about my problems, i miss being inspired, i miss righting in general.  so, here i sit sipping my coffee and turning a new leaf in life.  i know that most of my shit on here is pretty damn old. the design, the colors, my list of interests on my profile.  however, id like to keep it that way.  it is a fond memory of where i came from and what i went through to get where i am.  plus, its kind of fun to read that and laugh at how i used to be when i was 13.

ive been through a lot in the past two years since i posted last.  last time i wrote on here, i was dating zakk and moving in with two of his friends.  well...that blew up in my face like nobodys business.  i went through hell for the three years i was in a relationship with him.  our roommates were catalysts to some of the worst moments of my life.  to make a long story short, zakk was abusive, an addict, and a liar.  i almost feel like its not worth going into detail.  theres no need to constantly have my gaze set in the rear view mirror.  i finally mustered up the guts to end it...and right now, it feels like the end to an entire series of bad choices and actions.  i cant place all of the blame on him, even though he definitely deserves the vast majority of it.  i became some mutated version of myself while i was with him...i was lying to him, i cheated on him three times and came close to it at least 3 other times, i was acting violent myself.  i was out for blood...i swear my only motivation was hurting him back for all of the times he broke my heart.

at the end of it all, im here taking a semester off of school and living back with my mom in madison.  when i left milwaukee, i had to put school on hold, quit my job, and forfeit most of my independence.  luckily, i was able to find a new job in madison very quickly, and the people i work with are fairly legit.  ive been able to save up some money, and my last year of school starts at the end of august.  im crazy nervous about graduating and getting a job in my field.  i think that maybe ill finally feel fulfilled in life...doing something that my heart actually feels connected to.  for the longest time, i had lost my passion, inspiration, and overall love for life.  right now, im working hard to regain those things.  hence the taking up blogging again.  this is one minor step in becoming myself again.

i feel like im not making any sense.  my story is all over the place.  i mean it is pretty difficult trying to cram two years of my life into one post.  i really am doing better right now.  in this very moment.  i can only hope it stays this way.  i often feel like a rollercoaster slowly climbing up a hill, but once i get to the peak, the drop isnt fun like an amusement park ride...i just spiral downward at a rapid pace, and it takes such a long time to crawl my way back up.  dropping back down just feels inevitable...i need to find a way to stay at the top forever...or maybe i just need to create blueprints for a new rollercoaster where the drops arent so steep...

i have met another guy, though.  his name is lyle.  it feels too soon to move on.  especially since i didnt decide to stop talking to zakk until i met lyle.  i havent had a break between relationships.  ive barely had time to cope with what zakk did.  i feel almost too calm about it, like its just going to smack me in the face one of these days...hard...but lyle is really great so far.  he seems like everything that was missing in zakk.  hes a perfect gentleman, which im really not used to.  hes constantly telling me how beautiful i am, which i find hard to believe due to my demolished self esteem.  hes very handsome himself, and i really enjoy being around him.  i find myself worrying about the fact that i dont feel the "butterflies" when im around him though.  i also keep worrying about what it would be like to have a future with him.  its like im deathly afraid of being in another relationship.  im afraid of the end...the rollercoaster plunge...but this guy really does have me thinking about things like dating, moving in together, marriage, even kids...its like the smoke cloud between me and my future has started dissipating since i met him.  i just feel like im bound to discover some secret of his or something about him that is going to really hurt me.  time can only tell...

its all uphill from here. at least, i hope so.

landslide

so its been a freakin year since i last posted on here, and my last post wasnt even anything pertinent to what was occurring in my life at the time. this disappoints me, because this thing is like a history of my life and keeping it up would leave me with something that i can always look back on when im older. if its fun to look back on it now, i can only imagine how fun it will be when im like fourty.  in addition to this, i realize now how crucial it was for me to have a place to release my emotions.  although i would still prefer to talk to people, this is a place without judgment. i dont have to worry about what i say on here.  i can be me.  i can go to those dark places and release those terrible thoughts so that they no longer eat away at me.  i frequently have said ill make it a point to blog more , so im not making any promises this time because i suck at promises.  i just want to see if maybe this can help me again like it used to.
so what the fuck has been going on in my life for the past year and a half or so? im dating a boy named zakk. he is 22. met him in milwaukee through some dude i worked with at the college cafeteria. i wish i would have wrote about the first time we met and when we first used to hang out because those were some pretty crazy times. i used to drive to milwaukee for a weekend to visit him during the summer when i had to go back to janesville. lying to my mom was totally a great idea. i dont know how i fell for him so quickly, i dont know how weve already been dating for almost nine months. this past year flew by so quickly.  in all seriousness, a year isnt that long to have been dating, but it still feels like ive known him for a long time.  weve been through some terrible times. hes hurt me more than i ever could have imagined. but things are looking up right now. i stuck with him through it all. some people, okay a lot of people, called me stupid. said i should have left him. but i dont know. theres just something about him. i feel at home in his arms. ive truthfully never felt so close to someone before. he broke down my walls in an instant. if we can ever rebuild the trust and forget about the past, we will be a super couple. of this i am sure. im at that point in my life where im more mature, im more secure with who i am, and i know what i want. he just seems to really fit with all of that. in a few weeks we will be moving into a duplex together with two roommates.  i never thought that my dreams would come true. im nervous about moving out for real, but living in the dorms was kind of a halfway step there. so im sure it will be easier for me than it will be for zakk since he has always lived at home.  i just hope everything works out, because i hate getting my hopes up just to have them come crashing down.
i dont really know what else is going on right now. im just hella excited to get out of these dorms because i have a shitty roommate. she is completely lame, messy, rude, ignorant. i dont know why i ever signed up to live with her. i must have been high. i miss having my own space. that will be nice about the apartment. plus we get to take zakks cat with us. hes not my cats, but i love him nonetheless. which reminds me, whiskers has mouth cancer. i make myself forget about it most of the time. and its not like i live with him anymore so im not there to see him. which hurts me even more because i want to be with him in his last few months and i want to be able to help take care of him but i cant. ive never lost a pet before so i dont know how ill handle it, but im pretty sure ill handle it like shit because im a manic depressive idiot like that.
speaking of depression, im so totally over this bipolar thing.  ive been super depressed lately, but im pretty sure that zakk was the main cause of that. so im hoping that once me and zakk stop having problems, the major depression will end as well. but the mania and anxiety are just as bad. im sick of panicking all the time and i really hate having racing thoughts and shit. i feel like nobody really understands. and zakk isnt exactly the best at helping with these sort of things. he does the best that he can though and i sincerely appreciate his efforts. he does a lot for me. hes almost perfect...almost...
i know i have a lot more thoughts on my mind right now, but im having trouble organizing and solidifying them right now. plus my freakin hands are hurting from typing so fast. all i can think about right now is how i really wish i had some fucking coffee or creamer in my dorm because im a coffee addict and that sweet yet bitter flavor sounds so wonderful at the moment.
anyways, im going to take a break. give my mind a rest. most likely go back and read some old posts. should probably update my picture and info or something. i should definitely take off that playlist thing since it hardly works anymore.
im pretty sure ill return. i think i need it.

the inevitable

I cannot put endless thought

Into something I should not.

Death is far from romantic,

So why act like it?

Nature is the source of my origin.

Nature is what will hold my coffin.

Upon death, I will disappear.

Into the Earth, I will cohere.

My last breath will be the end.

My soul will not transcend

Into Heaven to receive reward,

Or descend to Hell to be abhorred.

I cannot accept these beautiful lies.

The truth I refuse to disguise.

This life only has one chance

That ends in a single glance.

I can only hope that I live it right.

If I do not, it will be alright.

Despite the things we have read,

Regret does not exist when you are dead.

I will not say there is no pain

In my heart, or disdain

For this portrayal I firmly believe.

Still, I shall not grieve.

In the moment, I am forced to be alive.

Therefore, I shall attempt to thrive.

To judge my life, I need not a deity.

The only true judge is me.

Ceasing to exist, I will not lament.

Sanguinely, with my life, I will be content.

Back to my origins is what I yearn.

Perhaps, a flower is how I shall return.

mirage

Promises are like little obscured lies.

You left me and I'll never get you back.

My future disappeared right before my eyes.

Desperation fills my despondent cries.

Your unexpected choice made me a wrack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

There is nothing behind these empty sighs.

More lost than I've ever been, I see black.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

My affection will not let me despise

You though you caused this massive heart attack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

I will continue to wear this disguise

Though you obviously threw me off track.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

I'll rip out my heart to seal my demise.

I can't love again when trust's what I lack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

what is love

irrelevant but i wish i payed more attention to alex pardees blog on here. maybe ill work on that.

anyways, we talked about arranged marriages in anthropology today and im almost convinced that they are better than the american style of dating and shit. for some reason, it made me think about what i wanted in a guy. why voice it on here? maybe its because i can come back and look at it years from now and see how things have changed. after all, this blog is almost like my personal history. if i kept it up more, it would be the perfect journal to go back to. maybe ill also work on that =]

anyways, about my perfect guy ^_^ these are some of the things i look for:

♥appearance

-i like height! i dont think i could date a guy who was my height or only slightly taller than me. six foot or above is very nice ;) but i could compromise on a little shorter

-fitness is always a nice thing. i plan on maintaining my weight and fitness so you should too! im not asking for mr. muscles although a few would be cool ;) of course, im not one of those shallow girls who needs to have the perfect body. id also compromise on that if you made up for it in other ways.

-ive always had a thing for brown hair over blonde hair

-as far as race goes, im not against any of them. i guess ive never really been into asians but hell, if you pull it off, then why not? :) i think id like someone who was not the same race as me because im really open to learning different lifestyles. it makes things more interesting :)

♥interests

-music is a huge deal for me. i want a guy who is into alternative, screamo, punk, and shit like that. im not sure i want rap or indie to be among his favorite genres but it would be cool if he was somewhat into them =] music i can bend on. but if they make fun of my music, theyre done. ill be accepting of your music if youre accepting of mine =] but i would totally prefer someone who liked the above genres. i dont want them to like ALL of the same artists i like though because i love learning new music ^_^

-i love skater boys. either that or bmx. one, it means that you have a hobby. two, it means that you like to keep in shape. three, it means that youre kinda radical and fun =] those boys know all about free living ^_^

-im kind of a laid back person. i like time to myself or time to just relax. i totally have nothing against sitting around and watching tv or playing board games. i want a guy who can appreciate the little things =]

-i dont want a hardcore nerd. however, i want someone educated. enjoying reading is a plus =] having motivation and goals in life is a super plus =]

♥personality

-as i said, im kind of laid back at times. so, i want a guy who is like that

-BUT i also want a guy who can get shit done and who likes to have fun =]

-i want someone who pays attention to detail and the small things. it makes life special. i want a guy who can appreciate stuff like that

-swagger is a must. i love a guy with confidence and the right amount of ego. the second you turn cocky youre done though.

-i want a guy who can make fun of himself. it shows that he doesnt take himself or life too seriously =] he needs to have a sense of humor. i like the right amount of cheese if a guy can pull it off ^_^ most importantly, he has to be able to handle my sarcasm =]

-he needs to be understanding. if you cant understand me, then living with me will be hell. i dont want to have to constantly explain myself or anything. i want a guy who is like me personality wise so he can understand me but he also has differences in his personality so we dont clash or get bored with each other.

-i want a guy who sticks to his beliefs. if you dont know what you stand for, then what kind of life are you living? at the same time, he needs to e accepting of other peoples view points. i dont always agree with other people, but thats how the world is. everyone is different.

-im not sure his background matters. i dont exactly want a guy with a lot of baggage but i sure as hell have a lot of it. so maybe it would be good if he did have some so we can relate in that matter. however, i dont want his issues to become my issues.

-going with the previous one, i want a guy who is emotionally stable. i need you to be strong because it keeps me strong. however, i dont want someone who is emotionless. i want you to feel. i dont want a guy who comes off like he doesnt care about anything. you need to care and you need to show it. but i dont want a guy who is crazy emotional and unpredictable. its hard enough that im like that. being with a guy who is the same way would be a disaster.

-as previously stated i want a guy who cares. when i talk, show interest. i know i ramble but hell im going to show interest in what you have to say. also, i want a guy who is romantic. it keeps things interesting. it shows that you love me.

-respect is a huge thing. respect me, respect other people, respect yourself. if i dont see respect, especially towards me, youre getting kicked to the curb. no man will treat me poorly.

♥others

-as far as beliefs go, im not religious. ive officially named myself agnostic. therefore, i dont think i could be with a super religious guy.i afraid i wouldnt be able to accept his beliefs and im afraid he would try to force them on me. however, i could be with a guy who is modestly religious. i dont care if youre a believer, just dont shove it in my face. i couldnt deal with that.

-obviously i want a guy who wants to get married. commitment is key because i dont want any chance of other women.

-as far as kids go, its my mother fucking body. i know that i want kids but i dont know how many or how i want to have them. i dont want a guy who is going to rush me into it. i dont want a guy who is going to want a shit ton of kids. you need to be respectful of the fact that is my body that is going to get ruined in the process of having children. therefore, a guy who is open to the possibility of adoption or even holding off on children for a while would be cool shit.

i feel like im forgetting a whole bunch of stuff. pretty much, i want a guy who is a lot like me but doesnt have everything in common with me. im not asking for anything that i wouldnt give in return. you get what you give. if a guy is going to expect me to be a certain way, he needs to return the favor. im not going to be the only one cooking and cleaning. i dont believe in cliche gender roles. so i guess that is another thing to add to the list.i dont want a sexist prick. i equally dont want a guy who sexually objectifies women. i dont mind the occasionally sex joke but he needs to know where to draw the line. also, i have a fucking career plan that nobody is going to hold me back from. therefore, i need a guy who is going to accept that. also, if he could show at least some interest in psychology that would be amazing. im going to make it a point to express interest in your career goal so be interested in mine. we will learn from each other. i want someone that will be my friend and my lover. i want someone who loves me and likes me as a person. i dont want someone who is going to try to change me. i am learning what my faults are and trying to change them. i will accept constructive criticism and i wouldnt mind help on my making progress because i would do those things for him in a heartbeat.

basically, i want someone i can be with forever. and those things that i listed seem to be the things that would make for a lasting relationship with me.

maybe in the future, these things will change. it will be interesting to come back and read this and see if that happens =]

i wish i knew

first off, i absolutely hate how google chrome finds it necessary to tell me when ive spelled things incorrectly. like, thanks google chrome but i actually wanted it that way you jerk.

i honestly feel like i have nothing of importance to say yet at the same time, something is eating away inside of me and i need to get it out in some way. random, but i probably commit a lot of comma errors on here. i hope no one judges me for that.

i suppose it would help to start out frank. it feels like i have dragged into the worst pit of depression ive ever experienced in my entire life. i skip classes. i call into work. i dont do my homework. it feels like im losing all the people i used to be close to. which i guess that last part isnt exactly far from the truth considering the fact that i definitely have lost some people. college has been lonely. i feel like im missing out on so much that is going on at high school. i have failed to stay connected with my high school friends and for some reason i feel like they have no desire to stay connected with me.

random again. im just now watching the video for work by jimmy eat world and it takes place in madison, wisconsin. im not sure how i feel about this considering the fact that the song is about getting out before you end up stuck in a shitty place. i dont know. "get out of this place while we still have time." i personally would not want to leave madison as fast as i could but im probably misinterpreting the bands meaning behind that aspect. i still adore jimmy eat world.

back to me being lonely. it feels like everyone i put my faith in finds a way to hurt me. sometimes, it feels like i bring it on myself. other times, i honestly cant figure out what the fuck ive done to deserve such shitty treatment. the stupid part is i fucking revolve my entire life around these shitty people. then, when people actually want to be kind to me and actually want to talk to me, i shove those people away. it almost seems like i dont feel normal unless im miserable. why else would i chase after people who treat me so poorly? then again, wanting what i cant have has always been a major downfall of mine.

im finding it extremely hard to find any enjoyment out of life. the fact that i feel as though i have no company makes it even harder. i see no enjoyment in having fun by yourself. i dont know. it seems like my entire life is now work and school. i hate my job. school is boring and difficult. its hard to have a life outside of that when my motivation is already lacking. its nearly impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning these days. the fact that ive spent nearly every minute of these past three days crying makes it even harder. anywho, im always tired and lifeless...which makes having a life well, impossible.

i just dont know what to do about any of this. medication is stupid. therapy is stupid. i dont have anything to talk about. you could ask me whats wrong. id say im lonely. youd tell me to talk to people. like cool, counselors these days are so annoying. theyre shit for advice and virtually useless. im determined to be different if i make it that far in life. i feel like moving to milwaukee and attending college there is giong to kill me. if im already feeling lonely here in my hometown, moving away from all my friends and family is going to make everything a million times worse.

for the record, i am rambling like a moron right now and if i ever come back and read this post, im going to hit myself on the head for sounding so stupid.

basically, it comes down to the fact that im only 17 and im already stressed to the point where i cant handle it. im already letting my stress have a negative impact on my life. and once that starts happening, its hard to get out of the pattern of being miserable. its hard to kick a skipping habit once its started. its hard to start doing homework once youve started neglecting it. and its super hard to start feeling happy when youve been depressed and anxious for so long. its to the point where me feeling happy is such an odd experience to me because im not used to feeling that way. it almost feels uncomfortable to be joyous. maybe, thats why i bring misery upon myself, because thats what im so used to that its been programmed in my mind that sadness is normal. this constant aching in my heart is almost comforting when its all ive really known for so long...

i have no idea how to get out of this rut. ive never been stuck so badly before. i know that pain is supposed to be temporary, but when youre in the moment and youre struggling so much, its really hard to see a way out. all i know is that if i dont resolve this, im going to end up fucking up my life. im going to end up ruining everything ive worked so hard for. im going to destroy my road to happiness. i think this has literally become a matter of life or death.

its never fun when reality sets in...

shake me down

youre still the main focus of my mind but i just cant do it! there is way too much plaguing my mind right now to not let it out in some way, shape, or form. im about to go crazy. its not obvious but its happening. if only people knew how preoccupied i am then they would understand.
life is changing so damn much. first, im in college. i dont even really like the thought of it. i dont like doing the work. i dont like having to think. i just want to sleep. i just want to sit and not do a damn thing. i miss the days when i had endless free time. now, i rarely get a chance to do fun things. aside from that, i have no one to do shit with anymore anyways. the only female friend i have is taylor and her and i are so different is weird when we hang out lately. plus were both too busy and im too lazy to coordinate our schedules. austin, yeah i hang out with austin a lot but im too damn preoccupied with everything else to even think about having fun. the guys, things just arent the same with them. everyone is growing up and its just not as goofy and random and just plain fun like it used to be. it seems like everyone always has other things going on or other shit to do and i just cant explain it. jordan, the only person other than austin that ive been spending one on one time with right now. since my mind is preoccupied with the thoughts of michael right now, its not easy for me to express my exact sentiments towards this boy. he makes me feel special. jordan makes me laugh and puts me at ease. but i know it cant last. i want it to but it just cant. we live two different lives with two different personalities and im just going to end up getting hurt with him like i did last time. im an idiot. all i do is repeat my mistakes. ill never learn.
whatever. those are the people who are actually in my city. i seem to have this fascination with befriending people who live far away from me. im an idiot for this also. i suppose ill start with omart although i dont know what to say about him. im not sure what type of relationship i want with him. all i know is right now i believe i need him in my life. maybe its becauseim feeling so abandoned so i need at least someone. we relate in more ways than ive ever related with someone before. he reminds me of me a lot. same interests, same music taste, same sense of style, same personality for the most part, etc. hes more connected to me than i am to him. at this point in time, i cant honestly say i love him. i care about him. but im not sure it goes any further than that. which makes me feel bad because i know his feelings extend far past that point. first off, i cant get close to someone like that again when im still so emotionally invested in someone else. also, im so sick of this long distance shit. i dont want to get hurt again. im sick of living in a dream. im sick of starting things i know will end badly. and as horrible as i feel i just cant be to him what he wants me to be right now. but at the same time, i adore his company and im truly glad i have him right now.
alex, oh alex. the things we have been through together...they could write a series of novels on it. and it would be one fucked up series. you were going through a really hard time. i tried to understand. i was going through a really hard time. you tried to be there for me. you tried to make up for all the shitty things you had done in the past. i realized you still had affection for me although i couldnt understand it. you wanted to come clean. i couldnt handle the things you had to tell me. i said some things i regret. you threatened to end your life...and i just couldnt have that. i had no way of knowing whether you were joking or not and i couldnt stand the thought of you maybe dying and me never knowing what had happened...i just wanted to prevent all of that...i just wanted to save you...i didnt know you would end up in a mental hospital. or at least thats what you told me happened. i have yet to check whether your phone is off like you said it would be. i have yet to try texting your parents. i think its because i cant handle that drama right now. im not sure i want to know the answer. but im left sitting here wondering on a daily basis. if i could take back all the things i said i would. im taking the blame for this one. i still have resentment towards you for what you did but if youre in the situation you said youre in right now, i have nothing but sympathy for you because i know i couldnt handle that if it were me. i have no idea what else to say. i just want to rewind and have this entire mess erased...
on to a not so fucked up and unhappy matter. wyatt. from my middle school years. i never expected to see this boy again. in fact, i almost forgot about him. but he magically appeared in my anthropology class and now he sits by me. the first thing he said to me was "wow, you look grown up". i wasnt sure how to take that. as good or bad or neutral. it surprised me. i forgot how much ive changed in all these years. and wyatt has reminded me of all of that. ive tweeted about him a great deal lately which people have taken notice to. honestly the only reason i do tweet so much about him is because he provokes so many thoughts in my head. he asked me to eat lunch with him and his friends the other day. i was so surprised by this. i never expected him to want to hang out with me and then i started wondering wow what would happen if i did take this opportunity. tweet. then he asked me today if i still wore black every day. i started thinking about how my clothing has changed yet i do still appear the same in ways. tweet. then, of course since wyatt noticed a change in me and because he is somewhat new to my life i felt the need to impress him. i felt like i needed to prove myself to him. plus, hes just the type of kid that has a huge ego and you just feel like you need to match his perfection somehow. tweet. i feel like people take my tweets in a different context than i initially intend them to mean. but whatever. ive given up on what other people think.
i suppose this is the bulk of what has been on my mind lately. i think all of it revolves around other people except the stress of school and work. i think if it werent for all the fucked up relationships i have right now, the whole school and work combination wouldnt be a hassle. i wouldnt be as mentally exhausted so i could actually handle work and i wouldnt be as distracted so i could actually focus on school. someday, ill get this shit figured out. until that day, im fighting. im staying as strong as i possibly can. i get the urge to quit sometimes. i think everybody gets that. i want the easy way out. but im not going to take it. im not quitting any time soon.

oasis

well, its amazing how quickly life can change. its even more amazing how you dont even have to do anything to cause those changes that happen. ive had so much going on in my head lately and ive been craving a place to let it free. sadly, i never found a chance to get on here. and as usual, once i am on here, everything seems to slip away.
michael, i want to start with you because you are constantly on my mind. constantly. you broke my heart. despite the fact that you hurt me beyond belief, i will never once say that i hate you. that is so far from reality. i love you more than ive ever loved anyone. its a different kind of love than ive ever experienced. this pains me so much to talk about. i understand your reasoning behind your actions. i completely get where you were coming from. thats not the part thats eating away at my soul right now. its the fact that you presented me with a chance to get you back and im having to turn it down. truth be told, i depserately want you in my life. i depserately want to be with you. you are one of the most amazing people ive ever met. it amazes me how we clicked so easily. it doesnt take me any effort when i talk to you. you make me smile without even trying. well, not so much anymore. but, thats due to all the emotions and thoughts that im currently preoccupied with. i love you like crazy. and in a perfect world where nothing else mattered, id be in texas in a heartbeat. id transfer colleges, my mom would approve, id live with you, we would eventually get married, id graduate and find a job, so on and so forth, and then we would live happily ever after...but this world isnt perfect like that, michael...ironic how im typing about you now and our song has come on. wonderwall by oasis. i now cry every time i hear this song or any song of theirs. the truth is, i cant pick up and leave wisconsin for you. i cant just throw away everything i have. its not that easy. and this is the part that kills me...i dont want to...i have too many things to worry about right now...i dont want to add to my worries by attempting to move to texas with you...it just cant happen right now and i dont have the guts to actually tell YOU this. instead, im here telling my blog. michael, the sound of your name is literally music to my ears. i love the way it rolls off of my tongue. i love thinking about you. id give anything to get back what we had a month ago...living in our fairytale world we had so many plans to make this work...it all seemed so possible...first, you threw it all away. but then you tried to bring it back and now im the one fucking everything up...id like to blame it on bad timing. this is just an awful time in my life to be moving around and stuff. i dont know...i know i could make it work if i really tried. it would involve a lot of sacrifices...but im just not able to bring myself to do that right now...i cant lose what i have for you...im sorry that this is what it has come to. i just hope you know exactly how much i do love you because my love for you is immense. i dont think it ever ends. ive never once thought a single bad thought about you. even when you hurt me. youre amazing, michael daniel rodriguez. i hope that dreams do come true. i hope that we find each other in the future and everything we wanted and dreamed for becomes reality. its all i think about....
there are plenty of other things i have on my mind right now but after that i cant bring myself to think about anything else. maybe later ill be back to finish what i started in this post but i doubt it. my life is a mountain of empty promises these days.

i felt free

life is life lately. nothing seems to phase me or surprise me these days. how dull.
my new job at the Hampton Inn is probably the worst job in the world. its not entirely the fact that i have to clean a bunch of nasty shit every day. its also the fact that i work with a bunch of older women who: treat me like im a child yet, are nasty and scrubby, and act like they are in fucking high school. youre going to talk down on me like im a child yet i act more mature than you do? what sense does that make? none at all. but what can you do about how other people act?
random but recent. i went out with the guys for the first time like all summer since warped tour. we went to the driving range. i may suck at golf but it was kind of addicting =] then we went to austins for a fire and shit. i dont know. it was fun but at the same time it was different. people just dont act the same anymore. it wasnt as goofy and random as it usually is. plus there was cigar smoking and ross brought weed. not usually the type of shit im into. in fact, id rather prefer to avoid those things at all costs. i guess its whatever. i guess this is growing up.
blogging is frustrating these days. i know whats on my mind but i never know what to say anymore. i rememember the days where it all just flowed out with hardly any effort at all. now it takes actual force to get my thoughts out of my damn head. i guess maybe i think its pointless. no one reads this anyways. i rarely come on here anymore. yet, i feel inclined to post every now and then. maybe because some day in the future, i might decide to come on here and read everything. like a record of my past. all the details of my life.
im listening to circa survive right now and thinking of a friend i recently acquired and then seemingly lost. it feels like it all happened so quickly. i met someone so amazing yet so far away. as usual. this boy was genuine. this boy was a lot like me. for some reason, i felt extremely attached to this boy. he had a whatever attitude about things. trying to not take shit too seriously. yet, he had the capacity to care a lot about certain things. he believed in living life and not wasting it. he was cocky but bashful at the same time. in my eyes, thats almost perfection. not to mention he liked great fucking music. i just wish things were different than the way that they are. it seems like i always get attached to people i cant actually be close to due to circumstances that are beyond my control. but this boy, i will try my hardest to never forget. he made an impact worthy of rememberance.
michael daniel rodriguez, what do i even say? you came into my life so unexpectadly. but thats not necessarily a bad thing. because you also stole my heart and youre determined to keep it no matter what. however, youre another one of those people who is being kept from me by those uncontrollable circumstances. youre the first person that im determined to be different for. im so glad i met you now and not a few years ago. im so glad i learned a few lessons before you came into my life because now im gonna do things better than you thought i would. im not most girls and i take pride in that. for once, im in a relationship that i dont feel the urge to control every detail of. for once, im in a relationship where im not demanding every ounce of attention that you have. this time im going to do it right. im going to try to not fuck up big time and hopefully youll do the same. little screw ups are bound to happen but its how we deal with those tiny things that makes all the difference. this is for real and im not going to lose this.
on that note, ive run out of motivation to speak of any other matters. so eventually, sometime in the near or far future, i will be back.

symphony of sympathy

a villanelle i wrote. it isnt an expert villanelle or anything because i didnt use iambic pentameter. personally, i think meter is fucking stupid. however, i used the line arrangement, 10 syllables per line, and the rhyme scheme. therefore, suck it expert poets, its a fucking villanelle ^_^ also, i kinda stole a few lyrics from bring me the horizon. despite this, i never planned on actually publishing it and i usually write poems just for myself so ithink its okay. besides, i usually like taking song lyrics and incorporating them into my writing. in a way, it depicts where i got my inspiration from for that particular piece.
with all that said, i now present my not so amazing villanelle:

Symphony of Sympathy
Ashley Messier

Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
The war that wages within will soon end.
You want to give up but please persevere.

These silent eyes can do nothing but tear.
Black streams flow and with your pale cheeks, they blend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

I taste the failure on your lips and fear
Strikes my heart as i watch your life descend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

Razors and colored pills lay scattered near.
A lost, troubled soul, for you, I would mend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

Remember when life was simple and clear.
Let us travel back in time and pretend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

The sadness will not cease; your pain sincere.
Light from your eyes fades; you start to ascend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
You want to give up but please persevere.

sooo, yeah. im pretty sure its obvious what the topic is. whatever.
i originally wrote it for my ap english class as extra credit. my teacher gave me the full points and all she wrote was "very poingant and very visual" like thanks. i was actually really proud of this poem. its the first poem ive written using an actual format. well, thats a lie. i wrote a haiku once called The Death of a Season but i cant find it for the life of me. anyways, my teacher telling me that my poem is very visual and emotional doesnt tell me if it is good or not. but i guess i dont care. im pretty sure i made a few punctuation errors and there are places where the words dont flow very smoothly. but then again, i guess i kinda like that. nothing about suicide is perfect or smooth. nothing about emotion is perfect or smooth either. so i guess in a way it helps reflect my topic.
enough rambling. this is my favorite poem i have written so far.

up, up, and away

well, i did indeed end up losing my job at pizza hut. it plagued me for quite a while. im not sure im quite over it yet. however, i already have a new job at the Hampton Inn. it pays better and its out of the food industry and im not sure i will be dealing with customers face to face as much which im happy about. its a new start. pizza hut wasnt quite working out anymore. maybe im just doing sour grapes rationalization right now. or is it sweet lemons? i think i was right the first time. who fucking cares. point is, i have a new job and i can stop worrying as much about money and stuffffff.
too bad my happiness is being obstructed by other worries and bullshit. the person who i used to call my best friend, the closest person i had to me, no longer wants anything to do with me. ill admit that i was taking advantage of the relationship. i was getting bored with it. i was kinda acting bitchy and neglecting him. but now that he is gone i dont know what to do. im trying to fix it but he is ignoring me. i guess its what i deserve. i got sick of him and i wanted him to go away. well, i got what i wanted. but its just cliche me. i get bored so easily then i move on to something better. but once i lose the original thing im left wishing i could have it back. i guess i didnt stop to think about all the things i had been through with this person. all the really long phone calls. all the rants about nothing just so we could vent to each other. sure, we argued A LOT. but he was always there for me. he was my best friend...
my relationships with people these days are nothing like i want them to be. theyre all changing for the worse and i feel like most of it is my fault. i fuck up a lot. it seems like i never learn. i dont know what to do.
im not even sure what else to talk about. i already blabbed about the two major things that happened recently. for some reason ive been really depressed and moody lately. but there doesnt seem to be a specific cause and its frustrating cuz here i am trying to vent so i can feel better but i have absolutely nothing to vent about besides the fact that im an idiot and i ruin almost every relationship i have.
im sick of feeling alone.
im sick of feeling alone and knowing its my fault.
im sick of everything right this very moment.

pizza hut

so, im most likely going to lose my job at pizza hut over something that wasnt even my fault. pretty much some dumb ass bitch called corporate and complained and in her complaint she lied out her ass and i got lucky enough to be the one that she blamed for everything. fuck my life. i honestly loved my job. i had so much fun. it could be unfair at times but life is unfair. its work. but i met the coolest people ever and i had so much fun. i dont want to lose my job...

these are all the people im going to miss:

Getty: had a weird sense of humor but we always joked around. i called him spaghettie and spaget. he called me assley and ashhole.
Tailor: kind of a major slut but i loved her anyways. we definitely had our little fights over nothing but i grew pretty close to her. she was fun and obnoxious and she showed me her boyfriends dick even when i didnt want to see it xD we were the sexiest bitches that worked there and everyone would agree =]
Celeste: even though i hardly got to work with her she fit in perfectly with me and tailor and i know we would have been the charlies angels of that place.
Rob: aka roberto =] the ladies man. the biggest flirt ever. loved to wink at me and hit on me even though we were both taken haha =] he is the sweetest guy and he always made me smile. i enjoyed a lot of light hearted fun with this boy.
Anthony: aka antonio =] portugese and rather attractive. he tought me how to say a few naughty things ;) he is extremely funny in a cute way and at one point in time he was one of my closest friends. wont even lie i was kinda crushin on him once and he was kinda crushin on me but it was just lust haha =] he promised to teach me how to long board but i dont think it will ever actually happen. we had a lot of insider jokes =] in a way, id say he was kinda like my big brother <3
Nate: kind of a mega creep xD but he was the first person i was ever friends with at pizza hut. so, he did drugs in the bathroom and hardcore hit on me and tailor. oh well =] he was a ladies man like rob but in the exact opposite way. i would never get with him! despite all of that, he totally had his moments where he was there for me and he made me laugh quite a bit =] he even offered to marry me and pay for my college when i turn 18 lmao.
TJ: he got a better job at menards and i know that ill still see him outside of work quite often. still, working with him was hilarious. we fought over the stupidest shit and when we werent fighting we were laughing over something ridiculous that he had done. a lot of memories with this kid at work =] he is obnoxious
Kory: he was so nice to me even though i was really shy. i never would have talked to him if he hadnt have started the conversations. he was always so interested in my life and he thought i was a cool person =]
Lloyd: oh geez. im pretty sure he was old enough to be my grandpa. he always said such cheesy jokes and he was pretty ridiculous but thats what made him so memorable =]
Matt: i always called him Hadley. that or Spacelord =] the weirdest fucking guy i have ever met in my whole life. he told me once that both of his parents are psychologists so he technically should be the most normal person. wrong! i think he did so many drugs that he fried his brain. i dont care. i love how strange he is. work with him was always fun. he is definitely one of those people that i will miss the most.
Marcus: me and him fought like brother and sister. we would always punch each other and trip each other and make fun of each other =] he was so chill and im pretty sure he was half baked most of the time.
John: i didnt get to work with him for long but he quickly became one of my favorite drivers. he understood my sarcasm and when i was a smartass he gave it right back to me =] i loved it
Perry: once again, i havent known him for long but i have a lot to say about him. first off, damn this man is handsome. lmao however, he is a strange hippie. he was pretty funny and lately we were getting along a lot and talking more than we used to. he was always so nice and willing to help out. i thought he was pretty damn cool and it sucks that im probably not ever going to get to know him better.
Jordan: aka jorjor =] oh lord, where do i start with this kid. we werent much when i first started working at pizza hut. he was kinda just the funny fat kid who was loud and liked to be the center of attention. but then i guess he took a liking to me haha =] so we became really close. we hung out. we talked all the time. we made a lot of memories. then, we had our falling out. things never really got back to the way that they used to be but there is still hope that someday they will be that way. im so glad that i met this boy even though half of my time knowing him hasnt been very good. sure, we had our bad times. but the times i spent laughing and smiling and having a good time with him make him one of my favorite people. we arent exactly better yet. who cares. im going to miss him so damn much.
Richie: aka RT. my all time favorite driver. he was there for me when i was going through shit with jordan. he still is there for me whenever i need to talk. he is always real with me. he wont lie. he makes me feel better about myself when im down =] he is another one of those guys that beat up on me lol. he called me GG aka gangster girl or goth girl depending on the day. he taught me how to punch. he is the loudest person in the world. oh my god, i dont know what im going to do without him. i always looked forward to working with him =]
Nash: im tearing up just thinking about this one. my favorite manager. the guy i closed with every friday and saturday for months. at first, he was only my favorite manager because he was funny and he wasnt strict at all so you could get away with anything around him. then, i went through a period where i kinda lost some respect for him. i saw that he didnt really care much most of the time. it felt like he was taking advantage of me when he kept me until 11pm. i dont know. i guess i just thought he was a slacker. however, i started realizing that we had a lot in common. he was always proud of me when i knew about cool bands, movies, tv shows, and all that shit. he loved that i was smart and used big words. he loved how quirky i could be at times. we made each other laugh A LOT. in the past few days, i have grown so close to this man. he is outraged by the fact that i might get fired. he told me that i was always his favorite phones girl and he told me that im a good person and im better than pizza hut. ive cried a lot talking to him and im going to miss not seeing him. we had a lot of good times and it sucks that this has to happen because i have just recently begun to realize why he sometimes acts the way that he does. oh well. its still good to know that he cares a lot about me and has a lot of respect for me. and i know he will miss me just as much as i will miss him.

ive had so many good times at pizza hut. it was honestly an easy job. we had a lot of time to mess around. i loved all the people even though there are a few i didnt mention in above. people like mike, alesia, jason, scotty, and aaron. you cant be close to everyone i guess. either way it was always like a family. i could tell anyone anything. i had a lot of accomplishments working at that place and i dont want to get fired over something that i didnt do but there isnt much i can do about it.ill miss that place more than anything. it was the best first job a person could ask for.