landlocked blues

lately, when i think about my life, i actually feel like things are going uphill.  this is a strange thing for me.  i dont feel like my life is a disaster that needs fixing.  i mean, nothing is perfect, but i dont feel like im drowning in a sea of things i cannot control.  
my last year of college starts in less than a month.  my roommate finally emailed me.  i am strangely optimistic about these circumstances.  naturally, i tend to keep to myself.  however, i really hope this girl has a lot in common with me, because i could really use more friends in my life.  i feel as though randomly giving my number to lyle has made me more ballsy when it comes to meeting new people.  anyways, this morning i found myself thinking about how id like to go shopping around milwaukee with this girl, or to go out to the bars, or even if she would ever want to come back to madison with me over the weekend to walk state street and shit.  it feels refreshing wanting to open myself up to people.  i have matured a lot when it comes to dealing with changes and new people.  at the same time, i have also opened up more to doing things on my own. something as simple as going to a coffee shop on my own feels like a great leap forward for me.  maybe, i am finally starting to shed the weight of everything that has been holding me back my entire life.
my breakup with zakk has been strange.  unfortunately, i did it over text.  oddly enough, he has not had much to say about it.  i tried talking to him on the phone about a week ago, and he simply seemed in denial about it.  i dont know what i expected.  a proper goodbye maybe.  however, a clean break may be for the best.  i still get sad when i think about it.  its not easy to let go of someone you knew for three years.  not to mention that i was awfully close to his family and his pets.  so it has become letting go of much more than just him.  the thing is he probably has not told a single person that we broke up.  his facebook status still says hes in a relationship.  shit like this makes me feel like the whole breakup is just in limbo, but it is not actually finalized.  this makes me worry that my emotions are also just in limbo.  my current motto about this is just to take things one day at a time.  going back to class in milwaukee worries me, though.  i am fairly certain that i will end up bumping into him or his family.  i feel like im going back to all of the things that i tried to run away from.  more on this subject later...
lyle will be meeting my mom this saturday.  i guess this might make things official.  i have avoided putting a title on our relationship, because i am still reserved about fully giving myself to someone.  he and i have both said it feels like weve known each other for a lot longer than two and a half weeks...  i dont know if its just my fear or my actual emotions; however, i keep worrying that maybe i dont have those butterflies for him, or that there are things about him that turn me off.  in spite of this, there are still plenty of good things about him that are making me want to explore this more.  the other day, we spent the afternoon and evening walking around downtown and grabbing drinks at a few bars.  those are the simple things i always wanted to do but could never actually do with zakk.  bar hopping with him always turned into a sloppy night and a huge fight.  anyways, in all the times that i hang out with lyle, i find myself sharing a lot of things about me and my past with him.  i worry that this may be too much for him, but he always seems so understanding and willing to listen.  it is as though i am in this strange place where i have to figure out who i want to be when im in a relationship.  i am so used to being worrisome and controlling and insecure.  i dont know how to act with lyle.  i dont know what to feel like when he compliments another girl or something like that.  dating is fucking stressful.  maybe i am not ready for this.  i went from wanting to give my number to random guys to being on the verge of another serious relationship.  more on this subject later...
on a completely different subject, my hair stylist came into dsw the other day.  her husband had recently killed himself.  she told me about how she had to go down to the police station that day to pick up the gun he had used and the suicide note she had never read.  this put me deep in thought about when i had tried to commit suicide.  i dont exactly know why, but this story has stuck with me and had some effect on my ability to think straight the past couple of days.  its strange how often i dwell on the subject of suicide...
i need to do more interesting things in my life so i dont keep dwelling on the same boring shit every time i come on here.  im just happy that for once i feel like im moving forward in the right direction instead of being stuck in a shitty place and being depressed and anxious all of the time.  i hope this is the turning point in my life.

haze

i dont know why i thought it would be easy in the first place, but i suck at cutting people out of my life.  in spite of how shitty i was treated, i still find a way to miss what i had.  moving on to better things is never simple, and it is all sinking in at once.  i am trying to withstand the weight of everything coming down, but im fairly certain ill crack soon...and it will be a huge mess.
im officially afraid of commitment.  although marriage and weddings have been on my mind a great deal lately (much thanks to aaron and cassie's wedding coming up in two weeks), im suddenly super afraid of trusting lyle and being in a committed relationship with him.  hes absurdly sweet, but im fairly certain he has something hes hiding.  everyone always does...  not like i can expect him to fall in love with me and be perfect within a matter of two weeks...my mind is scattered as well as my heart.  
clearly, common sense would have told me, jumping from one relationship to another is difficult and confusing.  with the exception of my two first relationships in middle school (that hardly counted anyways), my relationships have always overlapped.  i dont think i have ever been officially single since freshman year in high school.  im sure that most people would tell me this is unhealthy.  im sure that i already know that...
i think the fact that school is coming up soon and ill be back in milwaukee again is dawning on me.  i officially have zero friends in the milwaukee area...so i presume it may be difficult to stay away from zakk.  christ knows he already is aware that ill be moving back soon, and he will probably do some crazy stalker thing like hes done in the past.  i cant believe i ever dealt with any of this shit...  it all should be a huge wake up call that more and more changes need to be made in my life.  i need to fucking grow up, make friends, and actually talk to people about my issues.  my last year in college and i have nothing to look forward to...
in this moment, i cannot get my thoughts or feelings straight.  my nerves are kicking in.  relationships are proving to be terribly frightening.  big changes are creeping closer and closer.  i need to muster up some strength quickly before life swallows me up...
this post made zero sense and served the simple purpose of an outlet in which i could vent aimlessly.