bippity boppity boo

soooo, i was reading all of my older blog posts and i gotta say that it made me really happy. it reminded me of how random i used to be and when i used to talk about katie all the time and it led me up to the days when i met austin. i was such a happy kid. it inspired me. when i was reading, i saw one happy post followed by a sad post followed by a happy post. basically, things change and nothing is forever. my favorite parts were when i talked about art class, all the nice vocabulary and stuff i used, and just all the random accounts of things i did. you guys, this kid has a long way to go. she's in the middle of some prime suffering years. alas, these will help her grow and become a strong individual.

you're right and i was wrong

i do not exactly enjoy the way things are in this moment. i don't have my friends situated, my relationship situated, my emotions situated. i'm holding back once again. i'm faking happiness day to day because no matter what face i wear, my heavy heart is still a burden. i know where all my problems come from yet i find it hard to explain. i'm afraid of facing my fears and all the things i've hidden for many years. there are things i've erased from my mind unconciously when i was a child. i'm a shell that nobody can crack. if i do crack, nobody is going to like what comes out. i feel like a trouble to everyone, like i'm in the way. i feel as though everyone is sick of hearing me whine. the sad thing is that i'm clearly crying for help yet i reject the only 2 or 3 people who offer it to me. emotions fade in and fade out. i'm a bipolar mess. no use hiding that anymore. no use hiding anything anymore now that i wear my heart on my sleeve. no use sharing anything because i can't trust anyone. i'm one contradiction after another. my personality doesn't make sense nor do my thoughts.
i'm sick of being around a clusterfuck of fake. people who are trying to act one way when everyone else knows that isn't who they are. why are they so unaware of what people say about them? is it because they refuse to believe? i'm sick of people who tell me one thing then act another then leave me for god only knows what reasons. i'm sick of people who i loved at some point in time yet they didn't love me back. now, all of a sudden, they decide to come around but it's too late. i've moved on. or have i?
i'm sick of wanting to break out and just tear up this scene but being too afraid. i want so badly to just get out there and party but then i tell myself i won't have fun. i'm my own worst enemy.
i can't remember the last timei was truly happy and i know that statement will hurt someone if they read it but why should i lie?
all in all, i hate who i am.
until further notice,
assume the worst

light at the end of a tunnel

my second picture