Tragedy Bound

um i don't think i really know exactly what to talk about in this post. well, i'll start off by saying that i ordered all of my backseat goodbye stuff and i hope it comes very soon. also, today was very depressing yet fun at the same time. that's kinda how all of my days are lately. something will be bothering me a whole lot, but then my friends will usually provide some unintentional comic relief and i feel better.

my birthday was sunday and there isn't really anything to report about on that day. however, i'm obnoxiously upset about the fact that i've only been sent one birthday card. that shows how much my family cares. i was previously informed that a majority of them don't even know when my birthday is anyway. lovely.

austin, whom i have spoken of before, wasn't at school today. i was slightly upset by this cuz i hardly get to see him, but i was willing to live thru it. however, i found out in art class that he almost died the night before and had to have an emergency operation to remove his appendix. it's good to know that he is still in the hospital but doing well. i was also willing to live thru that. on the contrary, i realized that i'm not close to him at all and will probably never be. there i go giving up again but it's kinda true. we don't have any classes together and we never actually talk. i also discovered today that he had previously gone out with samantha fucking campbell. that's real nice. so i'm not his type anyway. i really don't think people take me seriously when i say that i like him or when i talk about him. they just dismiss it like some childish crush. oh how wonderful.

also during art class today, as i was being down about my new revelations, my art teacher found it necessary to have a tough love speech with me. i am a very slow worker in that class mostly because i never want to work. i'm always too busy thinking about everything else. she basically told me that i needed to stop looking around and comparing myself to everyone else because i have talent but that talent doesn't matter if i'm not willing to put forth the effort and i will be graded according to that. beautiful beautiful. i wanted to cry. i literally had to take a few seconds to compose myself. she's the kind of teacher that pushes the kids that she sees potential in but everyone else gets to have a free for all and do what they want. in some ways she can be like a mother to me. the tough love thing. and i don't think i've ever had a teacher tell me how good i am at something and tell me not to throw it away. especially at something that i really do want to excel in. she was kinda right. if i don't stop comparing myself to everyone else then i'm going to end up throwing away everything.

it was truly a horrible day for me. that is, until i got to english class and me and katie laughed away the entire hour. she's always the person to put me in a good mood. no psych.

My Smile's An Open Wound Without You

i think online shopping is really fun for two main reasons. one, you can find exclusive shirts online that are not sold in stores. two, i really like waiting for packages in the mail. it's a nice lil surprise on your doorstep that just makes your day. especially when you don't recieve any other mail. so, since my birthday and christmas are coming up [rather quickly] i'm pretty sure i'm going to be gathering up some extra cash. so far i've gotten $25 for my birthday. the following is what i wish to spend all of my money on [im gonna need about $25 more if i'm gonna make this work] =)

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS:

pick up the phone shirt =] suicide hotline awareness
i completely support this


BACKSEAT GOODBYE:

Hey ♥ i think you're cute would you like to be my new best friend?

perfect Hello Yellow poster

that's it =]

ad astra per aspera

i'm sorta upset about my grades in school. i didn't go to conferences because no one could take me [which makes me slightly more upset] so i did not receive my reportcard. but i know enuf to see that i didn't get a 4.0 or anything like that. i got a few A-'s and a B which really does upset me cuz i know i could have and i should have done better. i might as well abolish this post's title that i loved so much before because it does not suit me. i get frustrated when things do not come to me easily and it brings me down when i see my friends just flying by everything like it's no work at all.

my friend taylor has kinda been pissing me off lately. she always seems so involved with herself. sometimes she can't even take two seconds to say hi to me when i see her. i can never talk when i'm around her because she's always too busy telling her own stories. and whenever i want to talk to my other friends, she's already talking their ears off. i feel very neglected when that happens. just like i feel neglected when i'm walking with my friends in the hall but they form a line and leave me behind. ugh. however, i seem to really be enjoying my friend tai right now. she's just really easy to talk to and she's really funny. also, she knows what sort of things bother me and what makes me laugh my ass off. i remember in past years we used to butt heads a lot cuz we are both opinionated people, but lately we seem to be putting our thoughts together and that makes up for taylor's ego.

my birthday is this coming sunday. November 23. and honestly, i can't say i'm excited or anything. i already got a majority of my gifts early. my mom made the concert in october my birthday present. my dad gave me money to buy t-shirts at the concert. and my grandparents purchased me a wonderfully expensive [$80] coat. i don't even think my brother has considered buying me a gift yet. but presents don't matter too much to me. i'm kinda happy to be one year older but at the same time it's like another year of my life wasted. where does the time go nowadays?

so that alex kid that i've been talking about lately. the one from my homecoming group. i finally got his number and we have been texting mostly every day. just simple lil conversations. i really like this kid you guys [and apparently his family can't keep a secret cuz dave told him i liked him] but i just don't think anything will come of this. i guess i was wrong in thinking that since his entire family is catholic he is a catholic. i found out that he's not. idk what to think of this like if he's still really religious or not. either way, i am not very religious at all and i don't think he likes swearing much and i do that a lot. plus, he's really into basketball and exercising and dance and i don't do anything. basically, we are sorta two different people and i can't see the forest for the trees. but i'm not going to dwell on the little things and give up. he's still a cool friend. [aw fuck, i just gave up]

it seems like i don't just do anything for fun anymore. i'm always just focusing on school and homework and other shiz. i don't know. so there's this kid at school named austin. lol he's pretty obnoxious and i'm really cool with that. i've never actually held a conversation with him or anything but i still think he's cool. he likes the foo fighters, the devil wears prada, and drop dead, gorgeous. and apparently he wants to be a ninja when he grows up. so i look forward to passing him in the halls a million times before class starts in the morning. and here's the thing, i don't care what anyone else thinks of him. i don't care if people don't see him as anything special or if people don't think he's hot cuz he's hilarious.

Nightmares Are For Dreamers

dreams come when you're in a very light sleep. when you're not too exhausted so your mind can still function. i guess i've just been far too tired lately, because i haven't dreamt in forever. the last dream i had was about this girl whom i hate with a passion becoming my step-sister and then all of a sudden she was cool. such a shame she couldn't become cool in real life also. never mind. to be frank among the commencement, i want to have a nightmare. for pure adrenaline purposes. i wouldn't call myself an adrenaline junkie or anything severe like that, i just enjoy the thrill. i wish my mind was like a horror movie when i slept. either that or a romance novel. lmao XD i'm trying to be serious here.

the weather outside is pleasing to me now. the sky reminds me of winter the way that it is so white with clouds and the air is thin and chill. yet, the ground reminds me of autumn because it is littered with orange and red leaves that provide a satisfying crunch when your feet stomp them to smithereens. the trees are somewhere in between. a majority of them are bare and bony. however, a few are still sprinkled with tiny, shriveling leaves. i like it. winter hasn't completely taken over. soon though. very soon.

i realized a few days ago that my music taste or preference tends the change along with the seasons. most obviously, this summer i was very into pop/punk/dance whatnot. but now that the skies have darkened, i'm leaning more towards rock/screamo/hardcore. those are horrible examples of the genres i listen to. my favorite way to summarize my music is with one simple word: alternative. but, i had to compare and contrast here. any who, my preference is for dark and dreary and dismal rather than what it was in the summer bright and bouncy and bodacious. i like this change though. not like i'm forgetting my other artists or anything like that. they just aren't on my most played playlist. =]

Wake Up; You're A Drama Queen

i'm gonna be honest you guys. not much has changed since the last time i posted. i can't really say anything worth while has happened. jeez, how boring is that? very. life is at a standstill. i guess i never said how dodgeball went.

we showed up and we looked pretty dashing for the most part. however, looks could not save us. let's just say we weren't the best team out there. XD but it was still worth it. i had a lot of fun and i laughed a whole lot. i would definitly do it again. except this time, our team should practice before hand.

we have another four day weekend this week. thursday and friday off! i could really use those extra days off. i'm running behind on sleep and i'm sick of going to bed so early. yes, i do consider 10:30pm to be early. midnight is more my speed. i don't think i have very much to do tho besides sleep. i'm pretty sure i'm going to spend the day at the hanus's house on friday. which should be fun. i'm kinda hoping alex isn't busy and is willing to pop by. my luck isn't that stellar. otherwise, i don't think i have plans. that bothers me. i'll be doing a whole lot of nothing.

it just came to my attention that i know a lot of people with the same name. alex is a prime example. and i do recognize that my stories are not as thourough when i am speaking of these people with same names. it may come off as very confusing. i don't really know how to fix that. my friends should get more creative names.

i'm gonna focus a majority of my freetime on reading. that is a goal of mine. i have a lot of books that i want to read and i'm sick of getting into the first chapter and losing interst. i also wanna work on writing a short story a two. granted, the short story will be for my health class at the end of the quater; but i'm trying really hard to come up with something amazing. the last story i wrote for health, i did it in one day. the teacher liked it a lot i guess but i know the amount of effort i put into it. i want something really special that will be phenomenal this time. and i'm not gonna procrastinate.

Phenomenon

so yesterday was voting day for americans. my support stood with barack obama all the way. i even wore a barack obama pin for two days. well, last night we he brought home the win. barack obama is now the president of the united states. this is a phenomenon and nothing less. we have officially changed history. no way this one will miss the history books. i wish so badly that i was old enuf to vote so i could have taken part in changing this country. alas, i still have another 3 years. the truly amazing thing about obama is that he had more than national support. people all over the world were tuned in with their fingers crossed. people in kenya, europe, and even iraq celebrated when the good news was announced. this is prolly the best thing that could have happened at a time like this. the hardest part for obama will be simply living up to the expectations of the world.

today, our school is holding a dodgeball tournament. me, katie, keegan, zach, kyle, and alex are on a team together. i'm kinda scared cuz i definitly do not have mad skillz when it comes to dodgeball and zach is taking it a lil seriously. oh well. i'm just going to have fun with it.

don't you hate it when someone likes you but you don't like them back and they know that but they still won't stop talking to you? well, i think cj yerke needs to leave me alone. and so does that kevin kid. cuz i don't like either of them. in fact, they slightly creep me out and it's annoying =P