the one

the first official poem that i have written in about three years.  it likely needs revision.  it has a very simple structure and some fairly obvious rhymes.  extra stanzas could be added to tell more of an in depth story.  i would not say it is anything special or my best work, but it is a start in the right direction.  this experience makes me wish i had someone who could help me with revisions.  creative writing classes are likely a good option for the future.

The One

I beckoned you back to me.

I cannot believe I ever set you free.

And you returned, running.

My God, it felt so stunning.

The truth is, we belong together.

Without you, there is no closure.

Lovers destined to one last gasp,

Miserable in each other's clasp.

I yearned for your suffocating grip

On my soul, the ties I could not clip.

You created the whole within my heart.

Filling it has become a useless art.

Nothing am I without you.

Eyes fixed on the sky, so blue.

Whenever I think I can fly free,

Of my barriers, you remind me.

This identity is all I have ever known.

It is manifested deep in my bones.

My dreams lie useless on a shelf.

Never meant to accomplish them myself.

My scars remind me that I am property

Of this illness that stripped my dignity

Straight out of my weak hands

Before I got a chance to make other plans.

You are the only lover I ever deserved.

This fate shall not be disturbed.

Soul mates until the bitter end.

My depression, my only friend.

landlocked blues

lately, when i think about my life, i actually feel like things are going uphill.  this is a strange thing for me.  i dont feel like my life is a disaster that needs fixing.  i mean, nothing is perfect, but i dont feel like im drowning in a sea of things i cannot control.  
my last year of college starts in less than a month.  my roommate finally emailed me.  i am strangely optimistic about these circumstances.  naturally, i tend to keep to myself.  however, i really hope this girl has a lot in common with me, because i could really use more friends in my life.  i feel as though randomly giving my number to lyle has made me more ballsy when it comes to meeting new people.  anyways, this morning i found myself thinking about how id like to go shopping around milwaukee with this girl, or to go out to the bars, or even if she would ever want to come back to madison with me over the weekend to walk state street and shit.  it feels refreshing wanting to open myself up to people.  i have matured a lot when it comes to dealing with changes and new people.  at the same time, i have also opened up more to doing things on my own. something as simple as going to a coffee shop on my own feels like a great leap forward for me.  maybe, i am finally starting to shed the weight of everything that has been holding me back my entire life.
my breakup with zakk has been strange.  unfortunately, i did it over text.  oddly enough, he has not had much to say about it.  i tried talking to him on the phone about a week ago, and he simply seemed in denial about it.  i dont know what i expected.  a proper goodbye maybe.  however, a clean break may be for the best.  i still get sad when i think about it.  its not easy to let go of someone you knew for three years.  not to mention that i was awfully close to his family and his pets.  so it has become letting go of much more than just him.  the thing is he probably has not told a single person that we broke up.  his facebook status still says hes in a relationship.  shit like this makes me feel like the whole breakup is just in limbo, but it is not actually finalized.  this makes me worry that my emotions are also just in limbo.  my current motto about this is just to take things one day at a time.  going back to class in milwaukee worries me, though.  i am fairly certain that i will end up bumping into him or his family.  i feel like im going back to all of the things that i tried to run away from.  more on this subject later...
lyle will be meeting my mom this saturday.  i guess this might make things official.  i have avoided putting a title on our relationship, because i am still reserved about fully giving myself to someone.  he and i have both said it feels like weve known each other for a lot longer than two and a half weeks...  i dont know if its just my fear or my actual emotions; however, i keep worrying that maybe i dont have those butterflies for him, or that there are things about him that turn me off.  in spite of this, there are still plenty of good things about him that are making me want to explore this more.  the other day, we spent the afternoon and evening walking around downtown and grabbing drinks at a few bars.  those are the simple things i always wanted to do but could never actually do with zakk.  bar hopping with him always turned into a sloppy night and a huge fight.  anyways, in all the times that i hang out with lyle, i find myself sharing a lot of things about me and my past with him.  i worry that this may be too much for him, but he always seems so understanding and willing to listen.  it is as though i am in this strange place where i have to figure out who i want to be when im in a relationship.  i am so used to being worrisome and controlling and insecure.  i dont know how to act with lyle.  i dont know what to feel like when he compliments another girl or something like that.  dating is fucking stressful.  maybe i am not ready for this.  i went from wanting to give my number to random guys to being on the verge of another serious relationship.  more on this subject later...
on a completely different subject, my hair stylist came into dsw the other day.  her husband had recently killed himself.  she told me about how she had to go down to the police station that day to pick up the gun he had used and the suicide note she had never read.  this put me deep in thought about when i had tried to commit suicide.  i dont exactly know why, but this story has stuck with me and had some effect on my ability to think straight the past couple of days.  its strange how often i dwell on the subject of suicide...
i need to do more interesting things in my life so i dont keep dwelling on the same boring shit every time i come on here.  im just happy that for once i feel like im moving forward in the right direction instead of being stuck in a shitty place and being depressed and anxious all of the time.  i hope this is the turning point in my life.

haze

i dont know why i thought it would be easy in the first place, but i suck at cutting people out of my life.  in spite of how shitty i was treated, i still find a way to miss what i had.  moving on to better things is never simple, and it is all sinking in at once.  i am trying to withstand the weight of everything coming down, but im fairly certain ill crack soon...and it will be a huge mess.
im officially afraid of commitment.  although marriage and weddings have been on my mind a great deal lately (much thanks to aaron and cassie's wedding coming up in two weeks), im suddenly super afraid of trusting lyle and being in a committed relationship with him.  hes absurdly sweet, but im fairly certain he has something hes hiding.  everyone always does...  not like i can expect him to fall in love with me and be perfect within a matter of two weeks...my mind is scattered as well as my heart.  
clearly, common sense would have told me, jumping from one relationship to another is difficult and confusing.  with the exception of my two first relationships in middle school (that hardly counted anyways), my relationships have always overlapped.  i dont think i have ever been officially single since freshman year in high school.  im sure that most people would tell me this is unhealthy.  im sure that i already know that...
i think the fact that school is coming up soon and ill be back in milwaukee again is dawning on me.  i officially have zero friends in the milwaukee area...so i presume it may be difficult to stay away from zakk.  christ knows he already is aware that ill be moving back soon, and he will probably do some crazy stalker thing like hes done in the past.  i cant believe i ever dealt with any of this shit...  it all should be a huge wake up call that more and more changes need to be made in my life.  i need to fucking grow up, make friends, and actually talk to people about my issues.  my last year in college and i have nothing to look forward to...
in this moment, i cannot get my thoughts or feelings straight.  my nerves are kicking in.  relationships are proving to be terribly frightening.  big changes are creeping closer and closer.  i need to muster up some strength quickly before life swallows me up...
this post made zero sense and served the simple purpose of an outlet in which i could vent aimlessly.

numb

for the sake of nostalgia, i read through some of my old posts, which ive done a million times in the past.  however, this time was different...my heart feels so distant from the past.  my memory is foggy.  i wish my mind stored little film strips of all my past moments so i could see them happening again.  it perturbs me that i cant remember most things, or that my memory of people and events is lacking a serious dosage of emotional attachment to the past.  i dont want to be like that anymore.  i want to be the way i was when i was a teenager and my damn emotions and hormones were running rampant.  i want to feel everything to my core.
i need to shake this pessimism and cynicism.  reading my old posts, i see that i have been this way for a while, and it has just gotten severely worse over the years.  i need my heart to be awaken once again.  i am so fucking mad at myself for letting things get this way.  an overwhelming wave of regret is washing over me in this very moment.  i NEED the future to be different..."im not even sad anymore, im just tired of this place...im not even sad anymore, im just so tired most nights..." thanks to the wonder years for playing in the background and perfectly describing my current sentiments.  i need to shake these fucking cobwebs.  this is my life, and ive already let so much time pass by in a blur...i cant fucking do this anymore.  
i get so determined sometimes.  i make a plan for change, and then i stay stagnant rather than doing the dirty work to fucking move forward.  i dont want to come on here a year from now and write about how i fucked everything up again.  i just miss being a kid...its so cliche to say that the world was simpler back then, but it was.  i could focus so deeply on what i was feeling and the people who owned little stakes in my heart.  what is life as an adult but a series of stressful choices and priorities?
this is me wanting to have a firm grip on the past as i move forward into the future. if that even makes sense...

came out swinging

so ive made the decision to start blogging again.  occasionally, i come back and read through all of my old posts, and it takes me back in time in the best way.  i miss the relief of writing about my problems, i miss being inspired, i miss righting in general.  so, here i sit sipping my coffee and turning a new leaf in life.  i know that most of my shit on here is pretty damn old. the design, the colors, my list of interests on my profile.  however, id like to keep it that way.  it is a fond memory of where i came from and what i went through to get where i am.  plus, its kind of fun to read that and laugh at how i used to be when i was 13.

ive been through a lot in the past two years since i posted last.  last time i wrote on here, i was dating zakk and moving in with two of his friends.  well...that blew up in my face like nobodys business.  i went through hell for the three years i was in a relationship with him.  our roommates were catalysts to some of the worst moments of my life.  to make a long story short, zakk was abusive, an addict, and a liar.  i almost feel like its not worth going into detail.  theres no need to constantly have my gaze set in the rear view mirror.  i finally mustered up the guts to end it...and right now, it feels like the end to an entire series of bad choices and actions.  i cant place all of the blame on him, even though he definitely deserves the vast majority of it.  i became some mutated version of myself while i was with him...i was lying to him, i cheated on him three times and came close to it at least 3 other times, i was acting violent myself.  i was out for blood...i swear my only motivation was hurting him back for all of the times he broke my heart.

at the end of it all, im here taking a semester off of school and living back with my mom in madison.  when i left milwaukee, i had to put school on hold, quit my job, and forfeit most of my independence.  luckily, i was able to find a new job in madison very quickly, and the people i work with are fairly legit.  ive been able to save up some money, and my last year of school starts at the end of august.  im crazy nervous about graduating and getting a job in my field.  i think that maybe ill finally feel fulfilled in life...doing something that my heart actually feels connected to.  for the longest time, i had lost my passion, inspiration, and overall love for life.  right now, im working hard to regain those things.  hence the taking up blogging again.  this is one minor step in becoming myself again.

i feel like im not making any sense.  my story is all over the place.  i mean it is pretty difficult trying to cram two years of my life into one post.  i really am doing better right now.  in this very moment.  i can only hope it stays this way.  i often feel like a rollercoaster slowly climbing up a hill, but once i get to the peak, the drop isnt fun like an amusement park ride...i just spiral downward at a rapid pace, and it takes such a long time to crawl my way back up.  dropping back down just feels inevitable...i need to find a way to stay at the top forever...or maybe i just need to create blueprints for a new rollercoaster where the drops arent so steep...

i have met another guy, though.  his name is lyle.  it feels too soon to move on.  especially since i didnt decide to stop talking to zakk until i met lyle.  i havent had a break between relationships.  ive barely had time to cope with what zakk did.  i feel almost too calm about it, like its just going to smack me in the face one of these days...hard...but lyle is really great so far.  he seems like everything that was missing in zakk.  hes a perfect gentleman, which im really not used to.  hes constantly telling me how beautiful i am, which i find hard to believe due to my demolished self esteem.  hes very handsome himself, and i really enjoy being around him.  i find myself worrying about the fact that i dont feel the "butterflies" when im around him though.  i also keep worrying about what it would be like to have a future with him.  its like im deathly afraid of being in another relationship.  im afraid of the end...the rollercoaster plunge...but this guy really does have me thinking about things like dating, moving in together, marriage, even kids...its like the smoke cloud between me and my future has started dissipating since i met him.  i just feel like im bound to discover some secret of his or something about him that is going to really hurt me.  time can only tell...

its all uphill from here. at least, i hope so.

landslide

so its been a freakin year since i last posted on here, and my last post wasnt even anything pertinent to what was occurring in my life at the time. this disappoints me, because this thing is like a history of my life and keeping it up would leave me with something that i can always look back on when im older. if its fun to look back on it now, i can only imagine how fun it will be when im like fourty.  in addition to this, i realize now how crucial it was for me to have a place to release my emotions.  although i would still prefer to talk to people, this is a place without judgment. i dont have to worry about what i say on here.  i can be me.  i can go to those dark places and release those terrible thoughts so that they no longer eat away at me.  i frequently have said ill make it a point to blog more , so im not making any promises this time because i suck at promises.  i just want to see if maybe this can help me again like it used to.
so what the fuck has been going on in my life for the past year and a half or so? im dating a boy named zakk. he is 22. met him in milwaukee through some dude i worked with at the college cafeteria. i wish i would have wrote about the first time we met and when we first used to hang out because those were some pretty crazy times. i used to drive to milwaukee for a weekend to visit him during the summer when i had to go back to janesville. lying to my mom was totally a great idea. i dont know how i fell for him so quickly, i dont know how weve already been dating for almost nine months. this past year flew by so quickly.  in all seriousness, a year isnt that long to have been dating, but it still feels like ive known him for a long time.  weve been through some terrible times. hes hurt me more than i ever could have imagined. but things are looking up right now. i stuck with him through it all. some people, okay a lot of people, called me stupid. said i should have left him. but i dont know. theres just something about him. i feel at home in his arms. ive truthfully never felt so close to someone before. he broke down my walls in an instant. if we can ever rebuild the trust and forget about the past, we will be a super couple. of this i am sure. im at that point in my life where im more mature, im more secure with who i am, and i know what i want. he just seems to really fit with all of that. in a few weeks we will be moving into a duplex together with two roommates.  i never thought that my dreams would come true. im nervous about moving out for real, but living in the dorms was kind of a halfway step there. so im sure it will be easier for me than it will be for zakk since he has always lived at home.  i just hope everything works out, because i hate getting my hopes up just to have them come crashing down.
i dont really know what else is going on right now. im just hella excited to get out of these dorms because i have a shitty roommate. she is completely lame, messy, rude, ignorant. i dont know why i ever signed up to live with her. i must have been high. i miss having my own space. that will be nice about the apartment. plus we get to take zakks cat with us. hes not my cats, but i love him nonetheless. which reminds me, whiskers has mouth cancer. i make myself forget about it most of the time. and its not like i live with him anymore so im not there to see him. which hurts me even more because i want to be with him in his last few months and i want to be able to help take care of him but i cant. ive never lost a pet before so i dont know how ill handle it, but im pretty sure ill handle it like shit because im a manic depressive idiot like that.
speaking of depression, im so totally over this bipolar thing.  ive been super depressed lately, but im pretty sure that zakk was the main cause of that. so im hoping that once me and zakk stop having problems, the major depression will end as well. but the mania and anxiety are just as bad. im sick of panicking all the time and i really hate having racing thoughts and shit. i feel like nobody really understands. and zakk isnt exactly the best at helping with these sort of things. he does the best that he can though and i sincerely appreciate his efforts. he does a lot for me. hes almost perfect...almost...
i know i have a lot more thoughts on my mind right now, but im having trouble organizing and solidifying them right now. plus my freakin hands are hurting from typing so fast. all i can think about right now is how i really wish i had some fucking coffee or creamer in my dorm because im a coffee addict and that sweet yet bitter flavor sounds so wonderful at the moment.
anyways, im going to take a break. give my mind a rest. most likely go back and read some old posts. should probably update my picture and info or something. i should definitely take off that playlist thing since it hardly works anymore.
im pretty sure ill return. i think i need it.

the inevitable

I cannot put endless thought

Into something I should not.

Death is far from romantic,

So why act like it?

Nature is the source of my origin.

Nature is what will hold my coffin.

Upon death, I will disappear.

Into the Earth, I will cohere.

My last breath will be the end.

My soul will not transcend

Into Heaven to receive reward,

Or descend to Hell to be abhorred.

I cannot accept these beautiful lies.

The truth I refuse to disguise.

This life only has one chance

That ends in a single glance.

I can only hope that I live it right.

If I do not, it will be alright.

Despite the things we have read,

Regret does not exist when you are dead.

I will not say there is no pain

In my heart, or disdain

For this portrayal I firmly believe.

Still, I shall not grieve.

In the moment, I am forced to be alive.

Therefore, I shall attempt to thrive.

To judge my life, I need not a deity.

The only true judge is me.

Ceasing to exist, I will not lament.

Sanguinely, with my life, I will be content.

Back to my origins is what I yearn.

Perhaps, a flower is how I shall return.