alifelessordinary

i make stupid decisions.  i knew that coming back to milwaukee would draw me back into my old ways.  the first day i was here, out of pure boredom, i called zakk and met up with him.  i even was  dumb enough to spend the night at his house.  then, i saw him again the next day.  i dont know what the hell i was thinking other than i was bored and really wanted some company.  not like he is good company, though... you would think i would know better by now.  i just never learn.  the entire time i was around him, i felt like bursting into tears.  i knew i never emotionally dealt with the breakup, but the choice to see him was not the right one by any means.  now, i am once again preoccupied with what he is doing, what he may be lying about, what girls he may be talking to.  once again, i am miserable thanks to him.  i want to go back to having an hour of distance between us.  it was much easier that way.  milwaukee is littered with memories of him.  what makes things even worse is that he took my choice to meet him as a sign that i wanted to work things out and eventually get back together.  i find myself once again being destroyed by the fact that he treated me like such shit, yet he claims im the only one he wants.  it makes no fucking sense.  i just want to move on...
among other people from my past, i also saw jack again.  even though we were once a thing, it was much simpler with him.  i mean he did try to kiss me once or twice, but at least he listened to me when i said we were just friends.  still, being associated with west allis and my old life in any way makes me uneasy.
my whole family seems overly enthused about my brother's friend, nathan, liking me.  i guess that means i should date him.  in spite of his religious status, he did not seem to care that i am atheist.  i guess maybe he does not realize how much that hinders the future like when i refuse to have a church wedding ceremony or when i dont want my kids baptized or when i wont want them going to church.  i dont think he understands how serious i am about it.  its not just a belief, its an identity and way of life.
i drank too much last night, so i have a headache like a motherfucker right now and cant really think straight.  that on top of the dorms being absurdly hot and my lack of any private space is making things extra difficult.  i cannot construct any put together thoughts, but i am so bored and desperate for things to kill time that i came on here and attempted to blog anyways.  this is quite a useless post.
fuck.