what is love

irrelevant but i wish i payed more attention to alex pardees blog on here. maybe ill work on that.

anyways, we talked about arranged marriages in anthropology today and im almost convinced that they are better than the american style of dating and shit. for some reason, it made me think about what i wanted in a guy. why voice it on here? maybe its because i can come back and look at it years from now and see how things have changed. after all, this blog is almost like my personal history. if i kept it up more, it would be the perfect journal to go back to. maybe ill also work on that =]

anyways, about my perfect guy ^_^ these are some of the things i look for:

♥appearance

-i like height! i dont think i could date a guy who was my height or only slightly taller than me. six foot or above is very nice ;) but i could compromise on a little shorter

-fitness is always a nice thing. i plan on maintaining my weight and fitness so you should too! im not asking for mr. muscles although a few would be cool ;) of course, im not one of those shallow girls who needs to have the perfect body. id also compromise on that if you made up for it in other ways.

-ive always had a thing for brown hair over blonde hair

-as far as race goes, im not against any of them. i guess ive never really been into asians but hell, if you pull it off, then why not? :) i think id like someone who was not the same race as me because im really open to learning different lifestyles. it makes things more interesting :)

♥interests

-music is a huge deal for me. i want a guy who is into alternative, screamo, punk, and shit like that. im not sure i want rap or indie to be among his favorite genres but it would be cool if he was somewhat into them =] music i can bend on. but if they make fun of my music, theyre done. ill be accepting of your music if youre accepting of mine =] but i would totally prefer someone who liked the above genres. i dont want them to like ALL of the same artists i like though because i love learning new music ^_^

-i love skater boys. either that or bmx. one, it means that you have a hobby. two, it means that you like to keep in shape. three, it means that youre kinda radical and fun =] those boys know all about free living ^_^

-im kind of a laid back person. i like time to myself or time to just relax. i totally have nothing against sitting around and watching tv or playing board games. i want a guy who can appreciate the little things =]

-i dont want a hardcore nerd. however, i want someone educated. enjoying reading is a plus =] having motivation and goals in life is a super plus =]

♥personality

-as i said, im kind of laid back at times. so, i want a guy who is like that

-BUT i also want a guy who can get shit done and who likes to have fun =]

-i want someone who pays attention to detail and the small things. it makes life special. i want a guy who can appreciate stuff like that

-swagger is a must. i love a guy with confidence and the right amount of ego. the second you turn cocky youre done though.

-i want a guy who can make fun of himself. it shows that he doesnt take himself or life too seriously =] he needs to have a sense of humor. i like the right amount of cheese if a guy can pull it off ^_^ most importantly, he has to be able to handle my sarcasm =]

-he needs to be understanding. if you cant understand me, then living with me will be hell. i dont want to have to constantly explain myself or anything. i want a guy who is like me personality wise so he can understand me but he also has differences in his personality so we dont clash or get bored with each other.

-i want a guy who sticks to his beliefs. if you dont know what you stand for, then what kind of life are you living? at the same time, he needs to e accepting of other peoples view points. i dont always agree with other people, but thats how the world is. everyone is different.

-im not sure his background matters. i dont exactly want a guy with a lot of baggage but i sure as hell have a lot of it. so maybe it would be good if he did have some so we can relate in that matter. however, i dont want his issues to become my issues.

-going with the previous one, i want a guy who is emotionally stable. i need you to be strong because it keeps me strong. however, i dont want someone who is emotionless. i want you to feel. i dont want a guy who comes off like he doesnt care about anything. you need to care and you need to show it. but i dont want a guy who is crazy emotional and unpredictable. its hard enough that im like that. being with a guy who is the same way would be a disaster.

-as previously stated i want a guy who cares. when i talk, show interest. i know i ramble but hell im going to show interest in what you have to say. also, i want a guy who is romantic. it keeps things interesting. it shows that you love me.

-respect is a huge thing. respect me, respect other people, respect yourself. if i dont see respect, especially towards me, youre getting kicked to the curb. no man will treat me poorly.

♥others

-as far as beliefs go, im not religious. ive officially named myself agnostic. therefore, i dont think i could be with a super religious guy.i afraid i wouldnt be able to accept his beliefs and im afraid he would try to force them on me. however, i could be with a guy who is modestly religious. i dont care if youre a believer, just dont shove it in my face. i couldnt deal with that.

-obviously i want a guy who wants to get married. commitment is key because i dont want any chance of other women.

-as far as kids go, its my mother fucking body. i know that i want kids but i dont know how many or how i want to have them. i dont want a guy who is going to rush me into it. i dont want a guy who is going to want a shit ton of kids. you need to be respectful of the fact that is my body that is going to get ruined in the process of having children. therefore, a guy who is open to the possibility of adoption or even holding off on children for a while would be cool shit.

i feel like im forgetting a whole bunch of stuff. pretty much, i want a guy who is a lot like me but doesnt have everything in common with me. im not asking for anything that i wouldnt give in return. you get what you give. if a guy is going to expect me to be a certain way, he needs to return the favor. im not going to be the only one cooking and cleaning. i dont believe in cliche gender roles. so i guess that is another thing to add to the list.i dont want a sexist prick. i equally dont want a guy who sexually objectifies women. i dont mind the occasionally sex joke but he needs to know where to draw the line. also, i have a fucking career plan that nobody is going to hold me back from. therefore, i need a guy who is going to accept that. also, if he could show at least some interest in psychology that would be amazing. im going to make it a point to express interest in your career goal so be interested in mine. we will learn from each other. i want someone that will be my friend and my lover. i want someone who loves me and likes me as a person. i dont want someone who is going to try to change me. i am learning what my faults are and trying to change them. i will accept constructive criticism and i wouldnt mind help on my making progress because i would do those things for him in a heartbeat.

basically, i want someone i can be with forever. and those things that i listed seem to be the things that would make for a lasting relationship with me.

maybe in the future, these things will change. it will be interesting to come back and read this and see if that happens =]

i wish i knew

first off, i absolutely hate how google chrome finds it necessary to tell me when ive spelled things incorrectly. like, thanks google chrome but i actually wanted it that way you jerk.

i honestly feel like i have nothing of importance to say yet at the same time, something is eating away inside of me and i need to get it out in some way. random, but i probably commit a lot of comma errors on here. i hope no one judges me for that.

i suppose it would help to start out frank. it feels like i have dragged into the worst pit of depression ive ever experienced in my entire life. i skip classes. i call into work. i dont do my homework. it feels like im losing all the people i used to be close to. which i guess that last part isnt exactly far from the truth considering the fact that i definitely have lost some people. college has been lonely. i feel like im missing out on so much that is going on at high school. i have failed to stay connected with my high school friends and for some reason i feel like they have no desire to stay connected with me.

random again. im just now watching the video for work by jimmy eat world and it takes place in madison, wisconsin. im not sure how i feel about this considering the fact that the song is about getting out before you end up stuck in a shitty place. i dont know. "get out of this place while we still have time." i personally would not want to leave madison as fast as i could but im probably misinterpreting the bands meaning behind that aspect. i still adore jimmy eat world.

back to me being lonely. it feels like everyone i put my faith in finds a way to hurt me. sometimes, it feels like i bring it on myself. other times, i honestly cant figure out what the fuck ive done to deserve such shitty treatment. the stupid part is i fucking revolve my entire life around these shitty people. then, when people actually want to be kind to me and actually want to talk to me, i shove those people away. it almost seems like i dont feel normal unless im miserable. why else would i chase after people who treat me so poorly? then again, wanting what i cant have has always been a major downfall of mine.

im finding it extremely hard to find any enjoyment out of life. the fact that i feel as though i have no company makes it even harder. i see no enjoyment in having fun by yourself. i dont know. it seems like my entire life is now work and school. i hate my job. school is boring and difficult. its hard to have a life outside of that when my motivation is already lacking. its nearly impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning these days. the fact that ive spent nearly every minute of these past three days crying makes it even harder. anywho, im always tired and lifeless...which makes having a life well, impossible.

i just dont know what to do about any of this. medication is stupid. therapy is stupid. i dont have anything to talk about. you could ask me whats wrong. id say im lonely. youd tell me to talk to people. like cool, counselors these days are so annoying. theyre shit for advice and virtually useless. im determined to be different if i make it that far in life. i feel like moving to milwaukee and attending college there is giong to kill me. if im already feeling lonely here in my hometown, moving away from all my friends and family is going to make everything a million times worse.

for the record, i am rambling like a moron right now and if i ever come back and read this post, im going to hit myself on the head for sounding so stupid.

basically, it comes down to the fact that im only 17 and im already stressed to the point where i cant handle it. im already letting my stress have a negative impact on my life. and once that starts happening, its hard to get out of the pattern of being miserable. its hard to kick a skipping habit once its started. its hard to start doing homework once youve started neglecting it. and its super hard to start feeling happy when youve been depressed and anxious for so long. its to the point where me feeling happy is such an odd experience to me because im not used to feeling that way. it almost feels uncomfortable to be joyous. maybe, thats why i bring misery upon myself, because thats what im so used to that its been programmed in my mind that sadness is normal. this constant aching in my heart is almost comforting when its all ive really known for so long...

i have no idea how to get out of this rut. ive never been stuck so badly before. i know that pain is supposed to be temporary, but when youre in the moment and youre struggling so much, its really hard to see a way out. all i know is that if i dont resolve this, im going to end up fucking up my life. im going to end up ruining everything ive worked so hard for. im going to destroy my road to happiness. i think this has literally become a matter of life or death.

its never fun when reality sets in...