egad!

so, i completely lied about posting more often. turns out i have a life. or something remotely close to that. yeah.

things in life so far
boring as hell
slightly more dramatic than i please
and yeah

i hate sitting around all the time. miss kaitlyn is in italy. i'm happy for her. jocelyn has just arrived in new york. oh dearie. i have not left wisconsin. it's only been like 2 and a half weeks since school ended. it already seems like summer is ending. in these past 2 and a half weeks, i have not read nearly as much as i said i would, i have not written anything new as far as poetry or stories go, and i just recently started drawing again...today. oh self...what is wrong?

it all began when austin's friend candice from greenbay started telling everyone how much she hated me cuz i'm stealing austin from all of his friends. my way of helping the situation was to write a lovely lil letter to her. hmmm. things didn't work out and it's been bothering me ever since. then, on father's day (also my brother's graduation party), my most wonderful father decided not to show up. i think that's where i really started to dig my hole. some other stuff might have happened. i cannot recall. recently, i told austin that i've kinda had a crush on his friend skyler for quite some time. that shit has been eating at me all day every day. i wanna smack myself.

on a happy note, i finally started thinking about my projects for 4-H. finally, something to occupy my thougths!

->five color photographs (prolly flowers)
->portrait (prolly austin)
->window treatment (curtains for my dining room)
->item made from recycled material (candle holder from pop cans)
->pastel drawing (pink lily that i did in school...major cheating)
->pencil drawing (white calla lily)

i started the white calla lily drawing today. i really hope it turns out well. i worry so much about my drawings and photography stuff for 4-H because it's stuff that i'm really passionate about and it gets judged so i worry a hella lot about doing well on that shiz. however, i can't wait for the county fair. since i quit the 4-H showchoir i can actually enjoy the fair this year. idk.

ugh skyler. it's so wrong. i don't really think it's much of a crush tho. more of a fascination (like how i explained it to austin). he's year ahead of me in school. i knew him in middle school. he has huge gauges and a tongue piercing. he likes metal and rap. wears a lot of band tees and pants are his favorite. i've always liked guys like that. plus, he has depression issues and stuff...which fits what i like more. but the thing is that i still love austin like there's no tomorrow. yeah, i like skyler's style and he has an amazing personality. however, he isn't exactly the type of guy i would want to spend the rest of my life with. i would just love to be close friends with him and since we text like twice a day that seems like a strong possibility. it seems like i have all of this figured out so why does it still bother me so much? i have no idea.

i wish i had more interesting things to blog about. the problem with me is that i am always willing to help other people with their problems but when it's my turn, i never want to talk. i really need to learn how tho because this shit keeps piling up and i'm letting every little problem turn into something huge.

blah.

END.

the thunder

june 11th, 2009: my freshman year of highschool ended. i can't believe i survived. in all honesty, high school was different in a lot of ways. for one thing, it was a lot less scary than i imagined as far as teachers and getting lost go. seriously, shit was kinda easy. however, people weren't. as usual, people will always change throughout the years. a majority of my friends changed clothes and friends and whatnot. good to say that personalities didn't differ by too much. i met a lot of cool people. some were people i knew before but never got a chance to click with. some were people i never thought i would have a chance with. some were just people i thought were funny (farmer emo kid). least to say, my first year of high school didn't kill me. i can't say that i've changed a drastic amount or anything like that but i have improved in some ways. i've kept a relationship with most of my close friends (exception to those who went to the other high school in town) and i've kept a boyfriend for over six months now. i took some hard classes, some being harder than others with better teachers than others, and i managed to get no lower than a B+ in all of them. so what if i didn't get a 4.0 like some people. i won't graduate valedictorian or be head of my class. however, i am happy with how i performed and i challenged myself to the fullest extent that i could.

not only did i do good as far as academics and friends, i also took a lot of time to figure myself out. i now have a great idea of what i want to do in my future. also, i know my place in high school. i am far from a popular kid. i don't do the whole american eagle, ambercrombie, hollister junk. i never will. at the same time, i don't live at pac sun and hot topic anymore haha. i'm not preppy, i'm not emo, i'm not a hick, i'm not a geek. in fact, i don't think i'm much of anybody. i'm kind of artsy in my own lil way. one day i'll wear something cute, one day will just be tank tops, another will be band tshirts. i still love my skinny jeans. i've picked up on the flip flops thing but i still love vans slip ons and chuck taylors in the fall and winter =]. i'm still who i was before and then some. i've extended myself. i may not be known all throughout the school. i'm not in band and i don't do the school plays like a lot of my friends. but i don't care. i like who i am. i don't need a lot of people to know my name. i don't need a lot of friends who only talk to me because of the clothes i wear. i'm happy with my nobody status as long as i know my friends are true and always there for me.

high school. i can't find any way to describe it besides life changing and i'm only one year thru. i didn't freak out like i thought i was going to and i tried my best to not let the pressure get to me like i know A LOT of kids did. my next three years i know what to expect and i know i'm going to do well no matter how much i worry about grades or fitting in and all that junk. i think i've got a pretty good grip on things.

this year was my first year in a while that i was begging for summer to come. even tho high school was fun and all, it is a lot of pressure and work. this summer i don't have a dumb pushy show choir to worry about. i've got a boyfriend to spend time with and a best friend to catch up with =]. i've also got a huge stack of books waiting to get read and an art portfolio waiting to be created. possibly i'll attempt some photography or work on my tan lol. all i know is i'm gonna relax and take some time for me as well as keeping in touch with people.

high school...

it's been a while

i haven't posted in forever. been caught up in school. however, there shall be lots to come this summer when i actually have time =] in fact, i kinda look forward to blogging again. it's a nice release.

anywho, i changed the name of my blog to "We Are Always Searching" because in all reality, i do not enjoy killing everyone. just some people. plus, i think that fits my mindset at this moment in time. likewise, i changed my url to http://restisforthedead.blogspot.com/ in case you want to visit me that way.

alas, i shall be on my way again but hopefully not for long. look for me in the next two weeks or so =]