symphony of sympathy

a villanelle i wrote. it isnt an expert villanelle or anything because i didnt use iambic pentameter. personally, i think meter is fucking stupid. however, i used the line arrangement, 10 syllables per line, and the rhyme scheme. therefore, suck it expert poets, its a fucking villanelle ^_^ also, i kinda stole a few lyrics from bring me the horizon. despite this, i never planned on actually publishing it and i usually write poems just for myself so ithink its okay. besides, i usually like taking song lyrics and incorporating them into my writing. in a way, it depicts where i got my inspiration from for that particular piece.
with all that said, i now present my not so amazing villanelle:

Symphony of Sympathy
Ashley Messier

Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
The war that wages within will soon end.
You want to give up but please persevere.

These silent eyes can do nothing but tear.
Black streams flow and with your pale cheeks, they blend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

I taste the failure on your lips and fear
Strikes my heart as i watch your life descend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

Razors and colored pills lay scattered near.
A lost, troubled soul, for you, I would mend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

Remember when life was simple and clear.
Let us travel back in time and pretend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

The sadness will not cease; your pain sincere.
Light from your eyes fades; you start to ascend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
You want to give up but please persevere.

sooo, yeah. im pretty sure its obvious what the topic is. whatever.
i originally wrote it for my ap english class as extra credit. my teacher gave me the full points and all she wrote was "very poingant and very visual" like thanks. i was actually really proud of this poem. its the first poem ive written using an actual format. well, thats a lie. i wrote a haiku once called The Death of a Season but i cant find it for the life of me. anyways, my teacher telling me that my poem is very visual and emotional doesnt tell me if it is good or not. but i guess i dont care. im pretty sure i made a few punctuation errors and there are places where the words dont flow very smoothly. but then again, i guess i kinda like that. nothing about suicide is perfect or smooth. nothing about emotion is perfect or smooth either. so i guess in a way it helps reflect my topic.
enough rambling. this is my favorite poem i have written so far.

up, up, and away

well, i did indeed end up losing my job at pizza hut. it plagued me for quite a while. im not sure im quite over it yet. however, i already have a new job at the Hampton Inn. it pays better and its out of the food industry and im not sure i will be dealing with customers face to face as much which im happy about. its a new start. pizza hut wasnt quite working out anymore. maybe im just doing sour grapes rationalization right now. or is it sweet lemons? i think i was right the first time. who fucking cares. point is, i have a new job and i can stop worrying as much about money and stuffffff.
too bad my happiness is being obstructed by other worries and bullshit. the person who i used to call my best friend, the closest person i had to me, no longer wants anything to do with me. ill admit that i was taking advantage of the relationship. i was getting bored with it. i was kinda acting bitchy and neglecting him. but now that he is gone i dont know what to do. im trying to fix it but he is ignoring me. i guess its what i deserve. i got sick of him and i wanted him to go away. well, i got what i wanted. but its just cliche me. i get bored so easily then i move on to something better. but once i lose the original thing im left wishing i could have it back. i guess i didnt stop to think about all the things i had been through with this person. all the really long phone calls. all the rants about nothing just so we could vent to each other. sure, we argued A LOT. but he was always there for me. he was my best friend...
my relationships with people these days are nothing like i want them to be. theyre all changing for the worse and i feel like most of it is my fault. i fuck up a lot. it seems like i never learn. i dont know what to do.
im not even sure what else to talk about. i already blabbed about the two major things that happened recently. for some reason ive been really depressed and moody lately. but there doesnt seem to be a specific cause and its frustrating cuz here i am trying to vent so i can feel better but i have absolutely nothing to vent about besides the fact that im an idiot and i ruin almost every relationship i have.
im sick of feeling alone.
im sick of feeling alone and knowing its my fault.
im sick of everything right this very moment.

pizza hut

so, im most likely going to lose my job at pizza hut over something that wasnt even my fault. pretty much some dumb ass bitch called corporate and complained and in her complaint she lied out her ass and i got lucky enough to be the one that she blamed for everything. fuck my life. i honestly loved my job. i had so much fun. it could be unfair at times but life is unfair. its work. but i met the coolest people ever and i had so much fun. i dont want to lose my job...

these are all the people im going to miss:

Getty: had a weird sense of humor but we always joked around. i called him spaghettie and spaget. he called me assley and ashhole.
Tailor: kind of a major slut but i loved her anyways. we definitely had our little fights over nothing but i grew pretty close to her. she was fun and obnoxious and she showed me her boyfriends dick even when i didnt want to see it xD we were the sexiest bitches that worked there and everyone would agree =]
Celeste: even though i hardly got to work with her she fit in perfectly with me and tailor and i know we would have been the charlies angels of that place.
Rob: aka roberto =] the ladies man. the biggest flirt ever. loved to wink at me and hit on me even though we were both taken haha =] he is the sweetest guy and he always made me smile. i enjoyed a lot of light hearted fun with this boy.
Anthony: aka antonio =] portugese and rather attractive. he tought me how to say a few naughty things ;) he is extremely funny in a cute way and at one point in time he was one of my closest friends. wont even lie i was kinda crushin on him once and he was kinda crushin on me but it was just lust haha =] he promised to teach me how to long board but i dont think it will ever actually happen. we had a lot of insider jokes =] in a way, id say he was kinda like my big brother <3
Nate: kind of a mega creep xD but he was the first person i was ever friends with at pizza hut. so, he did drugs in the bathroom and hardcore hit on me and tailor. oh well =] he was a ladies man like rob but in the exact opposite way. i would never get with him! despite all of that, he totally had his moments where he was there for me and he made me laugh quite a bit =] he even offered to marry me and pay for my college when i turn 18 lmao.
TJ: he got a better job at menards and i know that ill still see him outside of work quite often. still, working with him was hilarious. we fought over the stupidest shit and when we werent fighting we were laughing over something ridiculous that he had done. a lot of memories with this kid at work =] he is obnoxious
Kory: he was so nice to me even though i was really shy. i never would have talked to him if he hadnt have started the conversations. he was always so interested in my life and he thought i was a cool person =]
Lloyd: oh geez. im pretty sure he was old enough to be my grandpa. he always said such cheesy jokes and he was pretty ridiculous but thats what made him so memorable =]
Matt: i always called him Hadley. that or Spacelord =] the weirdest fucking guy i have ever met in my whole life. he told me once that both of his parents are psychologists so he technically should be the most normal person. wrong! i think he did so many drugs that he fried his brain. i dont care. i love how strange he is. work with him was always fun. he is definitely one of those people that i will miss the most.
Marcus: me and him fought like brother and sister. we would always punch each other and trip each other and make fun of each other =] he was so chill and im pretty sure he was half baked most of the time.
John: i didnt get to work with him for long but he quickly became one of my favorite drivers. he understood my sarcasm and when i was a smartass he gave it right back to me =] i loved it
Perry: once again, i havent known him for long but i have a lot to say about him. first off, damn this man is handsome. lmao however, he is a strange hippie. he was pretty funny and lately we were getting along a lot and talking more than we used to. he was always so nice and willing to help out. i thought he was pretty damn cool and it sucks that im probably not ever going to get to know him better.
Jordan: aka jorjor =] oh lord, where do i start with this kid. we werent much when i first started working at pizza hut. he was kinda just the funny fat kid who was loud and liked to be the center of attention. but then i guess he took a liking to me haha =] so we became really close. we hung out. we talked all the time. we made a lot of memories. then, we had our falling out. things never really got back to the way that they used to be but there is still hope that someday they will be that way. im so glad that i met this boy even though half of my time knowing him hasnt been very good. sure, we had our bad times. but the times i spent laughing and smiling and having a good time with him make him one of my favorite people. we arent exactly better yet. who cares. im going to miss him so damn much.
Richie: aka RT. my all time favorite driver. he was there for me when i was going through shit with jordan. he still is there for me whenever i need to talk. he is always real with me. he wont lie. he makes me feel better about myself when im down =] he is another one of those guys that beat up on me lol. he called me GG aka gangster girl or goth girl depending on the day. he taught me how to punch. he is the loudest person in the world. oh my god, i dont know what im going to do without him. i always looked forward to working with him =]
Nash: im tearing up just thinking about this one. my favorite manager. the guy i closed with every friday and saturday for months. at first, he was only my favorite manager because he was funny and he wasnt strict at all so you could get away with anything around him. then, i went through a period where i kinda lost some respect for him. i saw that he didnt really care much most of the time. it felt like he was taking advantage of me when he kept me until 11pm. i dont know. i guess i just thought he was a slacker. however, i started realizing that we had a lot in common. he was always proud of me when i knew about cool bands, movies, tv shows, and all that shit. he loved that i was smart and used big words. he loved how quirky i could be at times. we made each other laugh A LOT. in the past few days, i have grown so close to this man. he is outraged by the fact that i might get fired. he told me that i was always his favorite phones girl and he told me that im a good person and im better than pizza hut. ive cried a lot talking to him and im going to miss not seeing him. we had a lot of good times and it sucks that this has to happen because i have just recently begun to realize why he sometimes acts the way that he does. oh well. its still good to know that he cares a lot about me and has a lot of respect for me. and i know he will miss me just as much as i will miss him.

ive had so many good times at pizza hut. it was honestly an easy job. we had a lot of time to mess around. i loved all the people even though there are a few i didnt mention in above. people like mike, alesia, jason, scotty, and aaron. you cant be close to everyone i guess. either way it was always like a family. i could tell anyone anything. i had a lot of accomplishments working at that place and i dont want to get fired over something that i didnt do but there isnt much i can do about it.ill miss that place more than anything. it was the best first job a person could ask for.

strangler

this is random and i really dont care. it has little to no significance but anyways. so back in 2007 when me and katie went to a concert, we got this compilation cd with a whole bunch of artists on it. one of the song was by a band named strangler. it was called "busy bein' born". well today, im listening to the alternative radio station and i hear this song. i look at the tv, and i see that its by middle class rut. i was extremely confused. so, i did research. turns out, middle class rut used to go by the name strangler. im not sure why this bothered me. i guess its because ive apparently known about and enjoyed middle class rut for years now without even knowing it. also, they play middle class rut on the stupid hard rock station in my town. i hate hard rock radio stations. so i know for a fact that theyre going to be playing "busy bein' born" on this station too. it urks me because i love this song and i have for years and now all these losers who are hearing it for the first time are going to be drooling all over it thinking its something new and hot when in all reality the band wrote the damn song over three years ago. losers.
well then, i ranted about something meaningless that no one will ever read. but oh well. i feel better now that i least i said these things. that at least it can be proven that i am cooler than all the faggots who listen to the stupid hard rock radio station. sorry but hard rock is so generic and cliche and none of it is original. middle class rut can do so much better. besides, theyre more alternative anyways. stupid hard rock radio station.
im done now. kthnx.

long time coming

it has been eons since i last came on here. well, that's a lie. i've been on here recently i just havent posted anything in forever. once again, it is so amazing to see how things have changed. i was just on my flashflashrevolution account reading all of my past wall posts and whatnot. i realized two things: one, i was a total retard back then and i was kinda crazy. two, i miss being like that. where did all of the fun go? i miss being loud and obnoxious and just happy in general. i lived to go to school and see my friends and shit like that. i lived to stand out and be noticed whether it was good or bad. i wanted attention and i was sociable. was i completely obnoxious? yes. however, i had passion. i was spirited. it feels like ive lost that part of me somewhere down the long and winding road.
today was the last day of my junior year in high school. it is technically my last year of high school and when i first realized that, it made me terribly sad. i cant quite figure out why i felt that way though. all i know is im back to feeling like whatever again. not much gets me excited anymore. i have my few close friends. i enjoy watching things that make me laugh (scrubs, saturday night live, etc.). but i dont know, it just feels like ive completely lost my spunk. ive grown rather cynical. im so quick to judge people and a majority of what i have to say is mean and pessimistic which makes it good i guess that i dont really say much at school or anything.
hm, now that summer is here im not sure what im looking forward to. i feel like i should be doing something but all i have is work. i havent been to a concert in months. i miss those a lot. i havent hung out with anyone besides austin in forever. and the stupid thing is that when i am hanging out with other friends, i literally feel exhausted from the amount of effort it takes me to pretend like im having a good time. whenever im in a group of people, i feel like an extra or a wallflower. no one really notices me. and being alone with people just feels awkward and boring. how do you lose your ability to socialize like that? how do you lose your odd sense of humor and your dorkiness? there has been only one person recently that i really enjoyed being alone with and who made me laugh a whole lot. jordan, 20 years old, works with me at pizza hut. did i do a lot of stupid and risky shit with him? fuck yeah. was a lot of it probably a mistake? yeah. but i enjoyed myself and i miss it so much because of course, i fucked that up like ive fucked up all of my other close relationships.
i dont know what made me come on here and post today. maybe i was feeling nostalgic. who knows. i wish i had more time but i have to go to work. i think id like to come on here more often because literally just now i realized that there is a lot on my mind that i need to get out.
things like my new goal to be less controlling and anxious. my relationship with michael daniel rodriguez from los angeles. yeah, theres a lot more but time is wearing down.
oh blog, how you have been there for me throughout the years. lets try this again.

skies so blue

all i can think about right now is you saying that in your heart, you are already married to me. truth is, in my heart, im already married to you too. ive been married to you since the day we crossed collective hearts. you mean more to me than you could ever know and more than i could ever say in words, pictures, or gestures. i know ive told you that so many times before. i also know that a majority of the things i say ive said a million times before. you already know how i feel. but i just cant help but feel that they are worth saying over and over again. i could never get sick of telling you how much i love you.

you are my everything. my whole world. my clarity when the world around me is in a haze. you have gotten me through so many hard times and i cant thank you enough for that. i admire you so much. practically every aspect of you is pure beauty to me. even your flaws.

you have my heart. from now until the end of time, i am yours.

i couldnt be more happy that i found y0u and that we found love together. i couldnt be more happy that you are mine and i am yours. i could never ask for more. you love me like no other man could.

you are my soul mate

i love you

the all-american rejects "fallin' apart"

Can somebody save me?
Cus I’m thinking maybe
That you can take me piece by piece
And you got your reasons
But I didn’t need them
And either way I’m on my knees
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawlin
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

You say that you’re leaving
Say that you don’t need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can’t make it through it
But I’m gonna try this anyway

You knew when I was wrong
You knew that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah looks like were falling apart

Well in your garden where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When that bodies close to me
I can give you anything you’d ever need

When I fall to the floor
Cus I can’t feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don’t have to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Wherever you are

Yeah wherever you are
Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breakin my heart
Wherever you go im crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

Wherever you go I’m crawling
Down on my knees forever
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah I guess we’re falling apart
Looks like were fallin apart
Yeah I guess we're fallin apart