vampires will never hurt you

i wish that i could sleep forever. nothing i say will ever fix things. so many people have told me to let you go and it seems like you dont want me...should i keep fighting? i wish you would see how much i care and how much im sorry for the trouble ive caused.

you know about my problems. ive trusted you with everything. ive shared my secrets, my faults, and you promised you would never leave me. you promised you would stand by me through everything. you told me you loved me so much and you cared. lately, you dont say that anymore...and i wish you could see how much this hurts. im not the type of person to be clingy and pathetic over someone. i cant help myself when it comes to you. i trusted you, you told me things i couldnt resist, we were in love...

ive been so stressed. im touchy when you say certain things. i even told you that. yet, you get so angry and you tell me how stupid i am. you tell me im dumb for the way i feel. you tell me you want to give up. you shit talk me behind my back. you blame me for ruining your relationship when all i ever did was help. i saved your relationship once and i wonder if you even remember that. you tell me i cant talk to your girlfriend when shes the only one who can possibly understand what ive been going through with you.

we have a secret that no one will ever know. does that even matter anymore? are things even the same? or are you completely done with me? you blamed me for all of this. i took the fall when everyone else was upset about our problems. you didnt even care because you honestly think i caused all of this. you cant stand it when someone points out one of your flaws. youll never say your sorry and mean it. now, i wonder if you ever meant those promises. if you ever meant it when you said you loved me. we were so quick to love, and youre so quick to hate.

i would do anything to keep from losing you...no matter how wrong it is. i just cant fathom the fact that you loved me so much...and now you just want to get me out of your life. how did this even happen? one bad week...

new years is coming up. we had so much planned. watching the breakfast club, eating oreo cereal, and sooooo much more. i would do anything to reverse time. i told you i would drop everything i have for you and i meant it. you never felt that way...

i feel like i just fell for a whole bunch of lies...i cant even express how i feel in the proper way.

i wish my life was like a vampire romance. this vampire guy comes to town and immediately spots the needy and refrained girl. he would never judge her. he knows shes the only one who would understand. he would never hurt her. when he says he loves her, he means it. he would literally have his world come crashing down in order to please her...no matter how much she pushes him away, hell always be there when she beckons him back to her. he understands her completely. he is so patient.

vampires will never hurt you...

untitled

this needs a lot of work. much revisions and possibly additions. most likely doesn't follow many rules of poetry either. oh well. i am a little rusty so i guess it works.

the air so cold it could pierce
my skin, so delicate.
the face i wear is fierce.
from my eye, falls a droplet.

it's all a masquerade
as i watch my life fade.

hearts as black as coal.
i find it hard to see.
a lost and troubled soul.
what is left for me?

but could you watch me go?
my skin as white as snow.

like ten different people
trapped in a single figure.
i'd soon climb the tallest steeple,
begging God, "take me to the azure,".

when i've forgotten who i am,
you bring me right back again.

love found in the most curious of places,
hidden from the world in secrecy.
a never ending chase.
who holds my heart and the key?

someday, i'll figure everything out.
until then, please hold me from my doubt.

walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave

i feel like its hard to rely on anyone these days. as soon as i get close to someone, that person finds a way to let me down. whether they realize it or not. or maybe i just take things too personally. i find myself trying to ponder the things that people do. not too in depth but i just want to see and understand. why this person loves this other person. why that person cant say whats on their mind. why i cant either...

listening to my ipod on shuffle is dangerous business. i start out listening to something dance/pop-punk and im in a good mood. then, it always turns sour and so do i. i need someone around to keep me from doing these things to myself. i know its bad to stay home by myself, but i insisted on it tonight. its not doing me much good.

id rather see the good in a bad person than the bad in a good person. i critique people too much and when i end up being right about them, i rarely feel proud of the work ive done. thats why i want to be a therapist. i want to be there to bring out the light from within a dark soul. that is all i want to do. i never again want to pick apart a person until i hate them so. alas, i cannot help myself. i dont see why people like me.

im still a jealous person. things havent changed much here. one day, ill find comfort in reality. until that day, im a miserable mess. sometimes, a hot mess but thats only on those rare days that show themselves when people actually decide to give a crap and act like the person they say they are. oh lordy.

i think that other peoples drama is kinda hilarious yet a nuisance at the same time. i think other people should just shut up.

by the way, im having trouble accepting winter. its such a happy time. therefore, i beckon it to come forth. then again, i despise wearing winter clothes and im not very fond of cuddling these days so that does me no good.

i went to a concert the other day. there were a lot of couples in the crowd holding eachother and kissing. im not a romantic in the least. lately, i just find that pathetic. i think im just bitter.

i like swearing but when people do it too often and out of context, i just hate it. i think other people should stop making me loath all the things i used to love. i blame other people for causing all the problems i have. you all are the reason i am the way i am. im just the one who chooses to do nothing about it. but that doesnt make it my fault. its not my fault, its never my fault.

it's all in your goodbyes

can i start by saying i hate the fact that nobody reads this? it's exactly like talking to a brick wall. in all reality, i prefer the brick wall to actual people because the brick wall can't attack you or judge you or any shit like that.

i don't mean anything i say anymore. i never stick with what i say. i find it hard to believe myself when i talk. i won't deny things to other people, but i lie to myself each and every day. it's a protection service for myself. i need to find some sort of comfort or else i'll be seeing the end soon.

i don't know if i can continue helping people with their problems anymore. it's too much of a hassle for my dying soul. i don't know if i can rely on anyone anymore because the second things take a turn for the worse, i'm forced into a state that i can't even explain.

i'm angry at my father who only texted me on my 16th birthday and got drunk and failed to pay child support yet again. i really wanna know what the fuck i did to deserve this. why god decided to place this burden and everlasting pain on my shoulders. i wanna know why i can't cope, why i struggle, why i feel lost and lonely every single day. it's amazing how one person can do this to another. we all die. i cannot say what happens when we do. i just hope i no longer have any worries, pain, anger, anxiety, stress because i've had about all i can take.

i know a lot. i know every fault i have. i know every strength i have. i know what's wrong and right. i know how things should be. alas, i feel that this is all useless to me.

i can't believe i let other people's problems ruin my birthday yesterday and my good day today. i care a lot more than i should. it's immense the level of caring i hold. it is also immense the level of shit i get from the people i care about. i don't know exactly what i mean by that because i'm not sure if it's true.

everything depends on the day for me. what i like, how i act, what upsets me, what i do. i find it hard to hold a relationship with people because of this. nobody has the capacity or understanding to deal with me. and when they do, i fuck it up. they fuck it up. i lose everything i have.

i'm not sure anymore. the second something feels right to me, i get told it's wrong. the second i'm sure of something, i either pull myself away or someone else does. it's like i'm destined to fuck up. my belief in god depends on the day too. it's hard to believe in something that is supposed to love you when your life is shit. when i do believe, all i can do is ask why. god, if you have a reason for this, i need to know now. i honestly cannot handle this. do you see me falling apart? do you see my mistakes? do you see my regrets?

does anybody see anything? or do they just choose to ignore it because that is the only way to maintain normality. it's they only way they can make themselves feel better so they don't have to live each day with a burden on their shoulders. it's the only thing any of us can do to keep our heads straight.

this world...sometimes i wish it had never happened.

seasons

my bipolar disorder has become more prominent in these past few months. there isnt much i wish to do about it. the worst part is that i know everything about my problem and i can put a name to all the stages and emotions but im helpless. you guys, its really not as bad as im making it out to be.

ive been alright. not too productive. thats not always a bad thing. i sleep like shit every night cuz i go to bed at indecent hours. ive been staying up talking to my boyfriends best friend. he recently told me about his feelings for me and i cant deny the fact that i have them too. its very confusing. i dont know how to handle the situation. all i can do is feel guilty about it. yet i enjoy talking to him. so its a guilty pleasure. i finally know what that means now.

my 16th birthday is tomorrow. i got my first surpirse birthday party ever. it was small but thats good because i hate large gatherings. i get panic attacks easily.

i dont really know what i want right now. im just going with the flow because there is no use trying to figure things out when im so emotionally out of control.

its really no big deal.

bippity boppity boo

soooo, i was reading all of my older blog posts and i gotta say that it made me really happy. it reminded me of how random i used to be and when i used to talk about katie all the time and it led me up to the days when i met austin. i was such a happy kid. it inspired me. when i was reading, i saw one happy post followed by a sad post followed by a happy post. basically, things change and nothing is forever. my favorite parts were when i talked about art class, all the nice vocabulary and stuff i used, and just all the random accounts of things i did. you guys, this kid has a long way to go. she's in the middle of some prime suffering years. alas, these will help her grow and become a strong individual.

you're right and i was wrong

i do not exactly enjoy the way things are in this moment. i don't have my friends situated, my relationship situated, my emotions situated. i'm holding back once again. i'm faking happiness day to day because no matter what face i wear, my heavy heart is still a burden. i know where all my problems come from yet i find it hard to explain. i'm afraid of facing my fears and all the things i've hidden for many years. there are things i've erased from my mind unconciously when i was a child. i'm a shell that nobody can crack. if i do crack, nobody is going to like what comes out. i feel like a trouble to everyone, like i'm in the way. i feel as though everyone is sick of hearing me whine. the sad thing is that i'm clearly crying for help yet i reject the only 2 or 3 people who offer it to me. emotions fade in and fade out. i'm a bipolar mess. no use hiding that anymore. no use hiding anything anymore now that i wear my heart on my sleeve. no use sharing anything because i can't trust anyone. i'm one contradiction after another. my personality doesn't make sense nor do my thoughts.
i'm sick of being around a clusterfuck of fake. people who are trying to act one way when everyone else knows that isn't who they are. why are they so unaware of what people say about them? is it because they refuse to believe? i'm sick of people who tell me one thing then act another then leave me for god only knows what reasons. i'm sick of people who i loved at some point in time yet they didn't love me back. now, all of a sudden, they decide to come around but it's too late. i've moved on. or have i?
i'm sick of wanting to break out and just tear up this scene but being too afraid. i want so badly to just get out there and party but then i tell myself i won't have fun. i'm my own worst enemy.
i can't remember the last timei was truly happy and i know that statement will hurt someone if they read it but why should i lie?
all in all, i hate who i am.
until further notice,
assume the worst