numb

for the sake of nostalgia, i read through some of my old posts, which ive done a million times in the past.  however, this time was different...my heart feels so distant from the past.  my memory is foggy.  i wish my mind stored little film strips of all my past moments so i could see them happening again.  it perturbs me that i cant remember most things, or that my memory of people and events is lacking a serious dosage of emotional attachment to the past.  i dont want to be like that anymore.  i want to be the way i was when i was a teenager and my damn emotions and hormones were running rampant.  i want to feel everything to my core.
i need to shake this pessimism and cynicism.  reading my old posts, i see that i have been this way for a while, and it has just gotten severely worse over the years.  i need my heart to be awaken once again.  i am so fucking mad at myself for letting things get this way.  an overwhelming wave of regret is washing over me in this very moment.  i NEED the future to be different..."im not even sad anymore, im just tired of this place...im not even sad anymore, im just so tired most nights..." thanks to the wonder years for playing in the background and perfectly describing my current sentiments.  i need to shake these fucking cobwebs.  this is my life, and ive already let so much time pass by in a blur...i cant fucking do this anymore.  
i get so determined sometimes.  i make a plan for change, and then i stay stagnant rather than doing the dirty work to fucking move forward.  i dont want to come on here a year from now and write about how i fucked everything up again.  i just miss being a kid...its so cliche to say that the world was simpler back then, but it was.  i could focus so deeply on what i was feeling and the people who owned little stakes in my heart.  what is life as an adult but a series of stressful choices and priorities?
this is me wanting to have a firm grip on the past as i move forward into the future. if that even makes sense...

came out swinging

so ive made the decision to start blogging again.  occasionally, i come back and read through all of my old posts, and it takes me back in time in the best way.  i miss the relief of writing about my problems, i miss being inspired, i miss righting in general.  so, here i sit sipping my coffee and turning a new leaf in life.  i know that most of my shit on here is pretty damn old. the design, the colors, my list of interests on my profile.  however, id like to keep it that way.  it is a fond memory of where i came from and what i went through to get where i am.  plus, its kind of fun to read that and laugh at how i used to be when i was 13.

ive been through a lot in the past two years since i posted last.  last time i wrote on here, i was dating zakk and moving in with two of his friends.  well...that blew up in my face like nobodys business.  i went through hell for the three years i was in a relationship with him.  our roommates were catalysts to some of the worst moments of my life.  to make a long story short, zakk was abusive, an addict, and a liar.  i almost feel like its not worth going into detail.  theres no need to constantly have my gaze set in the rear view mirror.  i finally mustered up the guts to end it...and right now, it feels like the end to an entire series of bad choices and actions.  i cant place all of the blame on him, even though he definitely deserves the vast majority of it.  i became some mutated version of myself while i was with him...i was lying to him, i cheated on him three times and came close to it at least 3 other times, i was acting violent myself.  i was out for blood...i swear my only motivation was hurting him back for all of the times he broke my heart.

at the end of it all, im here taking a semester off of school and living back with my mom in madison.  when i left milwaukee, i had to put school on hold, quit my job, and forfeit most of my independence.  luckily, i was able to find a new job in madison very quickly, and the people i work with are fairly legit.  ive been able to save up some money, and my last year of school starts at the end of august.  im crazy nervous about graduating and getting a job in my field.  i think that maybe ill finally feel fulfilled in life...doing something that my heart actually feels connected to.  for the longest time, i had lost my passion, inspiration, and overall love for life.  right now, im working hard to regain those things.  hence the taking up blogging again.  this is one minor step in becoming myself again.

i feel like im not making any sense.  my story is all over the place.  i mean it is pretty difficult trying to cram two years of my life into one post.  i really am doing better right now.  in this very moment.  i can only hope it stays this way.  i often feel like a rollercoaster slowly climbing up a hill, but once i get to the peak, the drop isnt fun like an amusement park ride...i just spiral downward at a rapid pace, and it takes such a long time to crawl my way back up.  dropping back down just feels inevitable...i need to find a way to stay at the top forever...or maybe i just need to create blueprints for a new rollercoaster where the drops arent so steep...

i have met another guy, though.  his name is lyle.  it feels too soon to move on.  especially since i didnt decide to stop talking to zakk until i met lyle.  i havent had a break between relationships.  ive barely had time to cope with what zakk did.  i feel almost too calm about it, like its just going to smack me in the face one of these days...hard...but lyle is really great so far.  he seems like everything that was missing in zakk.  hes a perfect gentleman, which im really not used to.  hes constantly telling me how beautiful i am, which i find hard to believe due to my demolished self esteem.  hes very handsome himself, and i really enjoy being around him.  i find myself worrying about the fact that i dont feel the "butterflies" when im around him though.  i also keep worrying about what it would be like to have a future with him.  its like im deathly afraid of being in another relationship.  im afraid of the end...the rollercoaster plunge...but this guy really does have me thinking about things like dating, moving in together, marriage, even kids...its like the smoke cloud between me and my future has started dissipating since i met him.  i just feel like im bound to discover some secret of his or something about him that is going to really hurt me.  time can only tell...

its all uphill from here. at least, i hope so.

landslide

so its been a freakin year since i last posted on here, and my last post wasnt even anything pertinent to what was occurring in my life at the time. this disappoints me, because this thing is like a history of my life and keeping it up would leave me with something that i can always look back on when im older. if its fun to look back on it now, i can only imagine how fun it will be when im like fourty.  in addition to this, i realize now how crucial it was for me to have a place to release my emotions.  although i would still prefer to talk to people, this is a place without judgment. i dont have to worry about what i say on here.  i can be me.  i can go to those dark places and release those terrible thoughts so that they no longer eat away at me.  i frequently have said ill make it a point to blog more , so im not making any promises this time because i suck at promises.  i just want to see if maybe this can help me again like it used to.
so what the fuck has been going on in my life for the past year and a half or so? im dating a boy named zakk. he is 22. met him in milwaukee through some dude i worked with at the college cafeteria. i wish i would have wrote about the first time we met and when we first used to hang out because those were some pretty crazy times. i used to drive to milwaukee for a weekend to visit him during the summer when i had to go back to janesville. lying to my mom was totally a great idea. i dont know how i fell for him so quickly, i dont know how weve already been dating for almost nine months. this past year flew by so quickly.  in all seriousness, a year isnt that long to have been dating, but it still feels like ive known him for a long time.  weve been through some terrible times. hes hurt me more than i ever could have imagined. but things are looking up right now. i stuck with him through it all. some people, okay a lot of people, called me stupid. said i should have left him. but i dont know. theres just something about him. i feel at home in his arms. ive truthfully never felt so close to someone before. he broke down my walls in an instant. if we can ever rebuild the trust and forget about the past, we will be a super couple. of this i am sure. im at that point in my life where im more mature, im more secure with who i am, and i know what i want. he just seems to really fit with all of that. in a few weeks we will be moving into a duplex together with two roommates.  i never thought that my dreams would come true. im nervous about moving out for real, but living in the dorms was kind of a halfway step there. so im sure it will be easier for me than it will be for zakk since he has always lived at home.  i just hope everything works out, because i hate getting my hopes up just to have them come crashing down.
i dont really know what else is going on right now. im just hella excited to get out of these dorms because i have a shitty roommate. she is completely lame, messy, rude, ignorant. i dont know why i ever signed up to live with her. i must have been high. i miss having my own space. that will be nice about the apartment. plus we get to take zakks cat with us. hes not my cats, but i love him nonetheless. which reminds me, whiskers has mouth cancer. i make myself forget about it most of the time. and its not like i live with him anymore so im not there to see him. which hurts me even more because i want to be with him in his last few months and i want to be able to help take care of him but i cant. ive never lost a pet before so i dont know how ill handle it, but im pretty sure ill handle it like shit because im a manic depressive idiot like that.
speaking of depression, im so totally over this bipolar thing.  ive been super depressed lately, but im pretty sure that zakk was the main cause of that. so im hoping that once me and zakk stop having problems, the major depression will end as well. but the mania and anxiety are just as bad. im sick of panicking all the time and i really hate having racing thoughts and shit. i feel like nobody really understands. and zakk isnt exactly the best at helping with these sort of things. he does the best that he can though and i sincerely appreciate his efforts. he does a lot for me. hes almost perfect...almost...
i know i have a lot more thoughts on my mind right now, but im having trouble organizing and solidifying them right now. plus my freakin hands are hurting from typing so fast. all i can think about right now is how i really wish i had some fucking coffee or creamer in my dorm because im a coffee addict and that sweet yet bitter flavor sounds so wonderful at the moment.
anyways, im going to take a break. give my mind a rest. most likely go back and read some old posts. should probably update my picture and info or something. i should definitely take off that playlist thing since it hardly works anymore.
im pretty sure ill return. i think i need it.

the inevitable

I cannot put endless thought

Into something I should not.

Death is far from romantic,

So why act like it?

Nature is the source of my origin.

Nature is what will hold my coffin.

Upon death, I will disappear.

Into the Earth, I will cohere.

My last breath will be the end.

My soul will not transcend

Into Heaven to receive reward,

Or descend to Hell to be abhorred.

I cannot accept these beautiful lies.

The truth I refuse to disguise.

This life only has one chance

That ends in a single glance.

I can only hope that I live it right.

If I do not, it will be alright.

Despite the things we have read,

Regret does not exist when you are dead.

I will not say there is no pain

In my heart, or disdain

For this portrayal I firmly believe.

Still, I shall not grieve.

In the moment, I am forced to be alive.

Therefore, I shall attempt to thrive.

To judge my life, I need not a deity.

The only true judge is me.

Ceasing to exist, I will not lament.

Sanguinely, with my life, I will be content.

Back to my origins is what I yearn.

Perhaps, a flower is how I shall return.

mirage

Promises are like little obscured lies.

You left me and I'll never get you back.

My future disappeared right before my eyes.

Desperation fills my despondent cries.

Your unexpected choice made me a wrack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

There is nothing behind these empty sighs.

More lost than I've ever been, I see black.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

My affection will not let me despise

You though you caused this massive heart attack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

I will continue to wear this disguise

Though you obviously threw me off track.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

I'll rip out my heart to seal my demise.

I can't love again when trust's what I lack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

what is love

irrelevant but i wish i payed more attention to alex pardees blog on here. maybe ill work on that.

anyways, we talked about arranged marriages in anthropology today and im almost convinced that they are better than the american style of dating and shit. for some reason, it made me think about what i wanted in a guy. why voice it on here? maybe its because i can come back and look at it years from now and see how things have changed. after all, this blog is almost like my personal history. if i kept it up more, it would be the perfect journal to go back to. maybe ill also work on that =]

anyways, about my perfect guy ^_^ these are some of the things i look for:

♥appearance

-i like height! i dont think i could date a guy who was my height or only slightly taller than me. six foot or above is very nice ;) but i could compromise on a little shorter

-fitness is always a nice thing. i plan on maintaining my weight and fitness so you should too! im not asking for mr. muscles although a few would be cool ;) of course, im not one of those shallow girls who needs to have the perfect body. id also compromise on that if you made up for it in other ways.

-ive always had a thing for brown hair over blonde hair

-as far as race goes, im not against any of them. i guess ive never really been into asians but hell, if you pull it off, then why not? :) i think id like someone who was not the same race as me because im really open to learning different lifestyles. it makes things more interesting :)

♥interests

-music is a huge deal for me. i want a guy who is into alternative, screamo, punk, and shit like that. im not sure i want rap or indie to be among his favorite genres but it would be cool if he was somewhat into them =] music i can bend on. but if they make fun of my music, theyre done. ill be accepting of your music if youre accepting of mine =] but i would totally prefer someone who liked the above genres. i dont want them to like ALL of the same artists i like though because i love learning new music ^_^

-i love skater boys. either that or bmx. one, it means that you have a hobby. two, it means that you like to keep in shape. three, it means that youre kinda radical and fun =] those boys know all about free living ^_^

-im kind of a laid back person. i like time to myself or time to just relax. i totally have nothing against sitting around and watching tv or playing board games. i want a guy who can appreciate the little things =]

-i dont want a hardcore nerd. however, i want someone educated. enjoying reading is a plus =] having motivation and goals in life is a super plus =]

♥personality

-as i said, im kind of laid back at times. so, i want a guy who is like that

-BUT i also want a guy who can get shit done and who likes to have fun =]

-i want someone who pays attention to detail and the small things. it makes life special. i want a guy who can appreciate stuff like that

-swagger is a must. i love a guy with confidence and the right amount of ego. the second you turn cocky youre done though.

-i want a guy who can make fun of himself. it shows that he doesnt take himself or life too seriously =] he needs to have a sense of humor. i like the right amount of cheese if a guy can pull it off ^_^ most importantly, he has to be able to handle my sarcasm =]

-he needs to be understanding. if you cant understand me, then living with me will be hell. i dont want to have to constantly explain myself or anything. i want a guy who is like me personality wise so he can understand me but he also has differences in his personality so we dont clash or get bored with each other.

-i want a guy who sticks to his beliefs. if you dont know what you stand for, then what kind of life are you living? at the same time, he needs to e accepting of other peoples view points. i dont always agree with other people, but thats how the world is. everyone is different.

-im not sure his background matters. i dont exactly want a guy with a lot of baggage but i sure as hell have a lot of it. so maybe it would be good if he did have some so we can relate in that matter. however, i dont want his issues to become my issues.

-going with the previous one, i want a guy who is emotionally stable. i need you to be strong because it keeps me strong. however, i dont want someone who is emotionless. i want you to feel. i dont want a guy who comes off like he doesnt care about anything. you need to care and you need to show it. but i dont want a guy who is crazy emotional and unpredictable. its hard enough that im like that. being with a guy who is the same way would be a disaster.

-as previously stated i want a guy who cares. when i talk, show interest. i know i ramble but hell im going to show interest in what you have to say. also, i want a guy who is romantic. it keeps things interesting. it shows that you love me.

-respect is a huge thing. respect me, respect other people, respect yourself. if i dont see respect, especially towards me, youre getting kicked to the curb. no man will treat me poorly.

♥others

-as far as beliefs go, im not religious. ive officially named myself agnostic. therefore, i dont think i could be with a super religious guy.i afraid i wouldnt be able to accept his beliefs and im afraid he would try to force them on me. however, i could be with a guy who is modestly religious. i dont care if youre a believer, just dont shove it in my face. i couldnt deal with that.

-obviously i want a guy who wants to get married. commitment is key because i dont want any chance of other women.

-as far as kids go, its my mother fucking body. i know that i want kids but i dont know how many or how i want to have them. i dont want a guy who is going to rush me into it. i dont want a guy who is going to want a shit ton of kids. you need to be respectful of the fact that is my body that is going to get ruined in the process of having children. therefore, a guy who is open to the possibility of adoption or even holding off on children for a while would be cool shit.

i feel like im forgetting a whole bunch of stuff. pretty much, i want a guy who is a lot like me but doesnt have everything in common with me. im not asking for anything that i wouldnt give in return. you get what you give. if a guy is going to expect me to be a certain way, he needs to return the favor. im not going to be the only one cooking and cleaning. i dont believe in cliche gender roles. so i guess that is another thing to add to the list.i dont want a sexist prick. i equally dont want a guy who sexually objectifies women. i dont mind the occasionally sex joke but he needs to know where to draw the line. also, i have a fucking career plan that nobody is going to hold me back from. therefore, i need a guy who is going to accept that. also, if he could show at least some interest in psychology that would be amazing. im going to make it a point to express interest in your career goal so be interested in mine. we will learn from each other. i want someone that will be my friend and my lover. i want someone who loves me and likes me as a person. i dont want someone who is going to try to change me. i am learning what my faults are and trying to change them. i will accept constructive criticism and i wouldnt mind help on my making progress because i would do those things for him in a heartbeat.

basically, i want someone i can be with forever. and those things that i listed seem to be the things that would make for a lasting relationship with me.

maybe in the future, these things will change. it will be interesting to come back and read this and see if that happens =]

i wish i knew

first off, i absolutely hate how google chrome finds it necessary to tell me when ive spelled things incorrectly. like, thanks google chrome but i actually wanted it that way you jerk.

i honestly feel like i have nothing of importance to say yet at the same time, something is eating away inside of me and i need to get it out in some way. random, but i probably commit a lot of comma errors on here. i hope no one judges me for that.

i suppose it would help to start out frank. it feels like i have dragged into the worst pit of depression ive ever experienced in my entire life. i skip classes. i call into work. i dont do my homework. it feels like im losing all the people i used to be close to. which i guess that last part isnt exactly far from the truth considering the fact that i definitely have lost some people. college has been lonely. i feel like im missing out on so much that is going on at high school. i have failed to stay connected with my high school friends and for some reason i feel like they have no desire to stay connected with me.

random again. im just now watching the video for work by jimmy eat world and it takes place in madison, wisconsin. im not sure how i feel about this considering the fact that the song is about getting out before you end up stuck in a shitty place. i dont know. "get out of this place while we still have time." i personally would not want to leave madison as fast as i could but im probably misinterpreting the bands meaning behind that aspect. i still adore jimmy eat world.

back to me being lonely. it feels like everyone i put my faith in finds a way to hurt me. sometimes, it feels like i bring it on myself. other times, i honestly cant figure out what the fuck ive done to deserve such shitty treatment. the stupid part is i fucking revolve my entire life around these shitty people. then, when people actually want to be kind to me and actually want to talk to me, i shove those people away. it almost seems like i dont feel normal unless im miserable. why else would i chase after people who treat me so poorly? then again, wanting what i cant have has always been a major downfall of mine.

im finding it extremely hard to find any enjoyment out of life. the fact that i feel as though i have no company makes it even harder. i see no enjoyment in having fun by yourself. i dont know. it seems like my entire life is now work and school. i hate my job. school is boring and difficult. its hard to have a life outside of that when my motivation is already lacking. its nearly impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning these days. the fact that ive spent nearly every minute of these past three days crying makes it even harder. anywho, im always tired and lifeless...which makes having a life well, impossible.

i just dont know what to do about any of this. medication is stupid. therapy is stupid. i dont have anything to talk about. you could ask me whats wrong. id say im lonely. youd tell me to talk to people. like cool, counselors these days are so annoying. theyre shit for advice and virtually useless. im determined to be different if i make it that far in life. i feel like moving to milwaukee and attending college there is giong to kill me. if im already feeling lonely here in my hometown, moving away from all my friends and family is going to make everything a million times worse.

for the record, i am rambling like a moron right now and if i ever come back and read this post, im going to hit myself on the head for sounding so stupid.

basically, it comes down to the fact that im only 17 and im already stressed to the point where i cant handle it. im already letting my stress have a negative impact on my life. and once that starts happening, its hard to get out of the pattern of being miserable. its hard to kick a skipping habit once its started. its hard to start doing homework once youve started neglecting it. and its super hard to start feeling happy when youve been depressed and anxious for so long. its to the point where me feeling happy is such an odd experience to me because im not used to feeling that way. it almost feels uncomfortable to be joyous. maybe, thats why i bring misery upon myself, because thats what im so used to that its been programmed in my mind that sadness is normal. this constant aching in my heart is almost comforting when its all ive really known for so long...

i have no idea how to get out of this rut. ive never been stuck so badly before. i know that pain is supposed to be temporary, but when youre in the moment and youre struggling so much, its really hard to see a way out. all i know is that if i dont resolve this, im going to end up fucking up my life. im going to end up ruining everything ive worked so hard for. im going to destroy my road to happiness. i think this has literally become a matter of life or death.

its never fun when reality sets in...