i couldnt think of any title that really suited what i wanted to say here so i just picked something that sounded cool. it may or may not work. i really dont care.
so me and josh, or joshy as i call him, have finally gotten a chance to get to know each other outside of our problems. i enjoy him now. hes into pretty decent music. pretty open to what other people like as far as music goes. he is pretty fun to talk to when he isnt upset. he has the same cute and quirky personality traits that i have. it makes me smile. we have a lot in common. its been nice having someone who can understand the way that i feel. but i need to get some friends that are girls. guys just seem easier to talk to. however, i am not one of the guys. i am a girl. i need girly friends. hell, im going to an all girls college. i neeeeed female friends.
the rest of october is rather eventful for me. this friday, monday, and tuesday we will be dissecting lil pig fetuses. not excited. i have that class right after lunch. i might throw up. or cry. or both. next tuesday i start counseling. im scared. so so so scared. next wednesday is the say anything concert. i so badly wish i could have you to share that experience with me. next thursday and friday we have off of school which im greatly happy about. next saturday is a hockey game. then, its halloween. im not sure im really that excited about any of these things. i just cant get over the fact that i would enjoy these things a lot more if you were here.
i have a lovely second degree burn on the back of my hand and it is annoying me so much. its going to leave the worst scar. it looks terrible.
silly ashley fact number one: when i go out to eat, i eat just enough so there isnt enough food to take home for leftovers. i hate taking home food from restaurants.
silly ashley fact number two: i occasionally snort when i laugh. especially when i am laying down.
i have the beginning episodes of the second season of true blood sitting on top of my tv. i wish i could find time to watch them. i dont feel like i have much time for anything these days.
i fall asleep with frankie in my arms every night lately. ive gotten over the fact that his horn occasionally pokes me in the eye. he is a really good cuddle buddy =] and i still listen to your mix cd quite often. ive finally gotten to the point where im not as sad when i think about you. im more on the happy side. p.s. the rocket summer is amazing. i found out that bryce avary has been married for five years to his long time high school girlfriend. i was both bummed and enlightened at the same time. all of his songs relate to real life issues. these are things that he has been through. he made it through all of the rough times and fights and break ups with his sweetie, tara. now, they are happily married and the cutest couple in the universe. damn that bitch for being so pretty and perfect. i totally bought a the rocket summer tshirt from her at warped tour. anywho, it gave me hope in a way. clearly, we arent the only people who experience these things. i wish you could hear every song and get out of them what i do. they really do speak to the way that we feel and a lot of the things that we go through.
im forgetting everything that i wanted to talk about again.
teenhelp.org is set up the exact same way that the flashflashrevolution forum stuff is set up. it annoys me to no end. sometimes, i forget what website i am on. i dont like those sort of things.
i cant help but be impatient for us getting back together. im not going to rush you. i just cant wait to be happy with you again. honestly, i think you will be pleasantly surprised. im already feeling better about things. im already realizing where ive gone wrong and where i need to make improvements. im open to the new life that is ahead of me. im finally ready to live without my insecurities and problems holding me back. im not going to change right away though. im still going to slip up right away. im not sure if i can fully explain how this feels. the fact that im ready to move on and finally start living and being happy, it feels good. i think youll be happy. i hope you will be. i hope you will move on from the past like im trying to do. i hope you will try to make improvements like i am doing. i really do think we have good things in our future. i cant wait to start again with you.
i miss you. i need you. i love you.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
the rocket summer "goodbye waves and driveways"
Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware
I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress
And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me
And don’t walk away...
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware
I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress
And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me
And don’t walk away...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
brand new
i love how i had everything planned out that i wanted to say but now that i actually get on here i have no clue where to start...
so i finally opened up to my mom last night. it wasnt pretty. i finally got her to accept the fact that yes im bipolar and yes i need to see someone for it. i finally got her to be somewhat supportive and understanding of me. she finally set up a counseling appointment for me. im scared shitless. i was so open to it last night but now that its actually going to happen im scared and i wish you were here to be my support...its hard going through all of these things and not having you here. but i guess thats my own fault. every keeps telling me not to blame myself but i cant help it.
last friday i joined this website called teenhelp.org. to write love on her arms recommended it. its okay i guess. you can talk to other teens and get advice from the staff. i met this boy named josh who lives in massachusetts. he also has a long distance girlfriend so we could relate a lot. however, he only likes to talk about his problems and he never gives me time to talk about mine. i want someone who i can talk with. i dont want to add even more stress and worry to my life. so i guess that kind of sucks mega dick.
but one of the staff on there had a lot of helpful things to say when i talked to her about you. she helped me realize where i was going wrong. but she also told me that not all of it is my fault. i guess i already knew that. im going to try my hardest once this break is over but i need you to do that too. thats something that i cant stop worrying about. im so afraid that once we get back together im going to give it my all but you arent. im not trying to say that you wont try. im just worried that youll be too mad at me to try or that you wont love me anymore when you come back. i just wish i could stop worrying. but i cant. the truth is, im obnoxiously insecure. i need a lot of reassurance. one thing that ive realized, is that ive fucked up a whole lot by doubting you when you say that you care about me and that you need me. i dont know, in my opinion, you show youre caring in different ways that i do. besides, actions really do speak louder than words and i know that if we were together in person then you would have no problem showing how much you care about me. if we were in person, my insecurities would be easier to deal with. but i dont want you to give up on this long distance thing. i realize that a lot of my insecurities and mood problems have been the cause of numerous arguments. but another one of our problems is that we dont know how to talk things over. so im promising you, im going to work on things. ive already been working on things. im going to get help for it. in return, i want you to promise that we will work on our communication. it hurts me that you wouldnt tell me when something was bothering you. thats where you messed up. it hurts me that we are so bad at talking things over. not every argument needs to blow up like that. thats where we have both messed up. i really want you to promise that you will understand what i am going through. i need your understanding. because i cant change on my own. sometimes, im going to need you there to calmly and patiently tell me when you feel like ive messed up. and when i feel like youve messed up, i want to be able to tell you how im feeling without you getting angry. a majority of the time, its just bad communication so we just need to calmly talk things over.
im going to try to change. i promise you that. im already feeling better about this. so i just need you to promise that you will try with me. promise me that you wont give up. promise me that you wont let arguments ruin everything. every couple argues. everyone has told me that. every couple has disagreements. and with long distance it is more common. all we need to do, is work through it. we need to calmly talk about things. so please, please, please, dont give up every time we have an argument. i want to be with you. i need you in my life. you are the only one i love. and youve told me that you feel the same way. so lets make this time better. lets really try this time. im not trying to judge you, but i just feel like youre letting all of this stress get in the way of things. i do that too. i understand that we need our space. its healthy. yet at the same time, i want you to make time for me. dont neglect me. we still have things to talk about as far as you telling me when youre busy and prom. we need to take time to really talk about those things over the phone. im going to try harder to hear you when youre telling me how you feel. im going to try harder to not let my emotions get the best of me. but only if you promise to do the same.
ive made the decision to find a way to get advice about things. long distance relationships are hard. with all of the stress in our lives i think we both need advice every once in a while to understand how we should handle things. we cant do couples counseling when we live hours away. so please, all im asking of you is to try as hard as i am.
i want your support more than anything. i hope you realize how much courage this took for me to make this step. i guess in a way, you leaving for a break was just the push i needed. i needed something to make me realize that i was off the tracks and i was letting my problems ruin my life. but when you come back, i need your support. i realize that this hurts you too. im not sure if this staff member was right, but when im hurting and going through stress and im confused, youre just as hurt and afraid as i am. it was ridiculous of me to rely on you to help me with all of my problems. i still want to be able to talk about things with you but you wont always know what to say. however, the more you understand about what im going through, the easier it will be for you to deal with. i guess its similar to living with an addict. their problem becomes everyones problem. im not putting my problems on you, im just saying that if youre going to be in a relationship with me then youre going to end up dealing with it in some way. its inevitable.
i just need you to promise me that youre going to try. i need to know for sure that you want this. i hate seeing you annoyed and angry at me. it hurts. so i understand that i need to give you space no matter how hard it may be for me. i want all of your bad feelings to be gone by the time you come back.
when i think about you, i only think about good times. and i know because youve told me that you are stuck on the bad things. you are stuck on all the arguments and fights and stuff. weve both made mistakes. but ive forgiven you for yours. so please, im begging you, forgive me for my mistakes and know that i am going to get help so those mistakes dont happen in the future. everyone makes mistakes though, and when you love somebody you need to forgive them and let the bad things go. as my english teacher said, sometimes when you love someone so much and you want to be with them, you overlook the bad. its what you need to do. i love you for who you are. flaws and all.
i need you in my life. so pretty please, promise me that you will try....
next wednesday is the say anything concert. i dont even want to go anymore. i wanted to share this experience with you so badly but i doubt that that is going to happen....without you, i dont even want the experience. its only going to be a bad one if im not talking to you. but its my fault i guess.....
i miss you so much. going through all of this without you has been hell. you never realize what you have until it is gone. i never realized how much i needed you until you were gone. but im going to fix my problems. and once i do, the girl that you fell in love with will shine through. it will be like old times when we never argued. it will be like all of the times when we are happy. i want to be happy with you. you and i both know what it is like when we are happy and we arent worrying about anything. i dont know about you, but those days when we are laughing and talking and nothing is wrong, those days are perfect. those days are what i crave. i want that for our future.
i just wish i knew what you were thinking right now. thats the other thing that makes this so hard. im not sure what you are thinking or feeling....
i just need you here. i miss you.
so i finally opened up to my mom last night. it wasnt pretty. i finally got her to accept the fact that yes im bipolar and yes i need to see someone for it. i finally got her to be somewhat supportive and understanding of me. she finally set up a counseling appointment for me. im scared shitless. i was so open to it last night but now that its actually going to happen im scared and i wish you were here to be my support...its hard going through all of these things and not having you here. but i guess thats my own fault. every keeps telling me not to blame myself but i cant help it.
last friday i joined this website called teenhelp.org. to write love on her arms recommended it. its okay i guess. you can talk to other teens and get advice from the staff. i met this boy named josh who lives in massachusetts. he also has a long distance girlfriend so we could relate a lot. however, he only likes to talk about his problems and he never gives me time to talk about mine. i want someone who i can talk with. i dont want to add even more stress and worry to my life. so i guess that kind of sucks mega dick.
but one of the staff on there had a lot of helpful things to say when i talked to her about you. she helped me realize where i was going wrong. but she also told me that not all of it is my fault. i guess i already knew that. im going to try my hardest once this break is over but i need you to do that too. thats something that i cant stop worrying about. im so afraid that once we get back together im going to give it my all but you arent. im not trying to say that you wont try. im just worried that youll be too mad at me to try or that you wont love me anymore when you come back. i just wish i could stop worrying. but i cant. the truth is, im obnoxiously insecure. i need a lot of reassurance. one thing that ive realized, is that ive fucked up a whole lot by doubting you when you say that you care about me and that you need me. i dont know, in my opinion, you show youre caring in different ways that i do. besides, actions really do speak louder than words and i know that if we were together in person then you would have no problem showing how much you care about me. if we were in person, my insecurities would be easier to deal with. but i dont want you to give up on this long distance thing. i realize that a lot of my insecurities and mood problems have been the cause of numerous arguments. but another one of our problems is that we dont know how to talk things over. so im promising you, im going to work on things. ive already been working on things. im going to get help for it. in return, i want you to promise that we will work on our communication. it hurts me that you wouldnt tell me when something was bothering you. thats where you messed up. it hurts me that we are so bad at talking things over. not every argument needs to blow up like that. thats where we have both messed up. i really want you to promise that you will understand what i am going through. i need your understanding. because i cant change on my own. sometimes, im going to need you there to calmly and patiently tell me when you feel like ive messed up. and when i feel like youve messed up, i want to be able to tell you how im feeling without you getting angry. a majority of the time, its just bad communication so we just need to calmly talk things over.
im going to try to change. i promise you that. im already feeling better about this. so i just need you to promise that you will try with me. promise me that you wont give up. promise me that you wont let arguments ruin everything. every couple argues. everyone has told me that. every couple has disagreements. and with long distance it is more common. all we need to do, is work through it. we need to calmly talk about things. so please, please, please, dont give up every time we have an argument. i want to be with you. i need you in my life. you are the only one i love. and youve told me that you feel the same way. so lets make this time better. lets really try this time. im not trying to judge you, but i just feel like youre letting all of this stress get in the way of things. i do that too. i understand that we need our space. its healthy. yet at the same time, i want you to make time for me. dont neglect me. we still have things to talk about as far as you telling me when youre busy and prom. we need to take time to really talk about those things over the phone. im going to try harder to hear you when youre telling me how you feel. im going to try harder to not let my emotions get the best of me. but only if you promise to do the same.
ive made the decision to find a way to get advice about things. long distance relationships are hard. with all of the stress in our lives i think we both need advice every once in a while to understand how we should handle things. we cant do couples counseling when we live hours away. so please, all im asking of you is to try as hard as i am.
i want your support more than anything. i hope you realize how much courage this took for me to make this step. i guess in a way, you leaving for a break was just the push i needed. i needed something to make me realize that i was off the tracks and i was letting my problems ruin my life. but when you come back, i need your support. i realize that this hurts you too. im not sure if this staff member was right, but when im hurting and going through stress and im confused, youre just as hurt and afraid as i am. it was ridiculous of me to rely on you to help me with all of my problems. i still want to be able to talk about things with you but you wont always know what to say. however, the more you understand about what im going through, the easier it will be for you to deal with. i guess its similar to living with an addict. their problem becomes everyones problem. im not putting my problems on you, im just saying that if youre going to be in a relationship with me then youre going to end up dealing with it in some way. its inevitable.
i just need you to promise me that youre going to try. i need to know for sure that you want this. i hate seeing you annoyed and angry at me. it hurts. so i understand that i need to give you space no matter how hard it may be for me. i want all of your bad feelings to be gone by the time you come back.
when i think about you, i only think about good times. and i know because youve told me that you are stuck on the bad things. you are stuck on all the arguments and fights and stuff. weve both made mistakes. but ive forgiven you for yours. so please, im begging you, forgive me for my mistakes and know that i am going to get help so those mistakes dont happen in the future. everyone makes mistakes though, and when you love somebody you need to forgive them and let the bad things go. as my english teacher said, sometimes when you love someone so much and you want to be with them, you overlook the bad. its what you need to do. i love you for who you are. flaws and all.
i need you in my life. so pretty please, promise me that you will try....
next wednesday is the say anything concert. i dont even want to go anymore. i wanted to share this experience with you so badly but i doubt that that is going to happen....without you, i dont even want the experience. its only going to be a bad one if im not talking to you. but its my fault i guess.....
i miss you so much. going through all of this without you has been hell. you never realize what you have until it is gone. i never realized how much i needed you until you were gone. but im going to fix my problems. and once i do, the girl that you fell in love with will shine through. it will be like old times when we never argued. it will be like all of the times when we are happy. i want to be happy with you. you and i both know what it is like when we are happy and we arent worrying about anything. i dont know about you, but those days when we are laughing and talking and nothing is wrong, those days are perfect. those days are what i crave. i want that for our future.
i just wish i knew what you were thinking right now. thats the other thing that makes this so hard. im not sure what you are thinking or feeling....
i just need you here. i miss you.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
hangman
my lack of motivation is killing me these days. there are a million things that i long to do but i don't have the strength or effort to make these things happen. school feels like shit every day. it's not something that i care about at all anymore. it's just something that i have to do. i don't even care about getting good grades. i only care about not getting bad ones so i can avoid getting my ass handed to me by my mother. i finally got my license a few weeks ago but i don't even care about that. driving by yourself is lonely. i still don't have a car. i'm a terrible driver. i just don't feel like it's changed my life at all in any significant way.
it feels like nothing is a challenge to me anymore. when something is a challenge, i just do a half ass job of getting through it. instead of actually trying in school, i've just found a way to bullshit through and still make the same good grades as before. the thing that bothers me the most is that i know that i won't get anything out of life if i keep doing this. i want to care about things. i want to care about my life more. i just feel like i've prepared myself for the future so that now it's the only thing i want and i don't care about anything else besides what i've dreamed of for my future to be.
i think that if you were here everything would be different. i wouldn't worry so much. i would be more happy. i would be more active and motivated. i would care a whole lot more about everything. don't get me wrong, i've always cared about you. i never stopped caring about you. but it seems like you're all that i care about these days.
i have so many thoughts running through my head during the day but it seems like once i get on here and i actually start typing, i lose everything. i can't collect myself. i can't get composed. some days, i just feel like a complete fucking mess. i get sudden urges to cry and i can't hold back tears but at the same time, i can't find a reason for why i'm crying. i get waves of emotion, both good and bad, and i can't control them. i get sad, i get hyper, i get lethargic, i get angry. i think it's because of all the secrets i keep. i bottle it all up inside. i keep my thoughts to myself. i don't feel like i can share anything without being judged. why do people have to be so judgmental these days? i'm literally afraid to be myself because i'm afraid nobody will like. i never pretend to be someone i'm not. i just hold back everything that i am.
i am rarely able to describe what i'm thinking or feeling. if someone were to ask me who i am as a person, i would have no idea how to answer. i don't view myself as much. i only view myself how i think other people see me. i think that i'm weird, i'm a freak, i'm emo, i'm crazy. those are the things i hear the most. people don't realize that when you say something mean to someone, even as a joke, that is what they will remember forever. people rarely remember compliments or praise. it's the negative that sticks with someone for life. that is especially true with me. my level of self-worth is like negative. i don't think anyone likes me. i think that every compliment i get is a lie. i'm constantly afraid that the people i love are going to get sick of me and leave. i am so fucking afraid of messing up that i don't even let myself live.
i'm finally starting to deeply consider therapy. i know i need it. i know it's unhealthy what i am doing. but i keep coming up with excuses to not go and to not tell my mom. i know that if you were here you would give me the support i need. you would make this so much easier for me. you would help me tell my mom. you would give me a shoulder to cry on when i need it. you would be proud of me for doing this for myself and for my future.
i still sometimes think that this is all a dream. it's so easy to lose you. i'm afraid that one morning i'm going to wake up and this will all have been my imagination. i'm scared that everything we dreamed for the future won't come true. what if we never get the chance to do all the things we planned? i'm so afraid you're going to change your mind and i'm going to be left all alone. i don't know what i would do then. we've already created the rest of our lives together in our dreams. how does a person recreate and rebuild their future? i don't think i could do that. i just want solid proof that this is possible. i want to know that we can make this happen. i'm afraid that i'm going to crack and fall apart before we get a chance to make our dreams reality. i'm scared that i'm not strong enough.
i need you here with me...
it feels like nothing is a challenge to me anymore. when something is a challenge, i just do a half ass job of getting through it. instead of actually trying in school, i've just found a way to bullshit through and still make the same good grades as before. the thing that bothers me the most is that i know that i won't get anything out of life if i keep doing this. i want to care about things. i want to care about my life more. i just feel like i've prepared myself for the future so that now it's the only thing i want and i don't care about anything else besides what i've dreamed of for my future to be.
i think that if you were here everything would be different. i wouldn't worry so much. i would be more happy. i would be more active and motivated. i would care a whole lot more about everything. don't get me wrong, i've always cared about you. i never stopped caring about you. but it seems like you're all that i care about these days.
i have so many thoughts running through my head during the day but it seems like once i get on here and i actually start typing, i lose everything. i can't collect myself. i can't get composed. some days, i just feel like a complete fucking mess. i get sudden urges to cry and i can't hold back tears but at the same time, i can't find a reason for why i'm crying. i get waves of emotion, both good and bad, and i can't control them. i get sad, i get hyper, i get lethargic, i get angry. i think it's because of all the secrets i keep. i bottle it all up inside. i keep my thoughts to myself. i don't feel like i can share anything without being judged. why do people have to be so judgmental these days? i'm literally afraid to be myself because i'm afraid nobody will like. i never pretend to be someone i'm not. i just hold back everything that i am.
i am rarely able to describe what i'm thinking or feeling. if someone were to ask me who i am as a person, i would have no idea how to answer. i don't view myself as much. i only view myself how i think other people see me. i think that i'm weird, i'm a freak, i'm emo, i'm crazy. those are the things i hear the most. people don't realize that when you say something mean to someone, even as a joke, that is what they will remember forever. people rarely remember compliments or praise. it's the negative that sticks with someone for life. that is especially true with me. my level of self-worth is like negative. i don't think anyone likes me. i think that every compliment i get is a lie. i'm constantly afraid that the people i love are going to get sick of me and leave. i am so fucking afraid of messing up that i don't even let myself live.
i'm finally starting to deeply consider therapy. i know i need it. i know it's unhealthy what i am doing. but i keep coming up with excuses to not go and to not tell my mom. i know that if you were here you would give me the support i need. you would make this so much easier for me. you would help me tell my mom. you would give me a shoulder to cry on when i need it. you would be proud of me for doing this for myself and for my future.
i still sometimes think that this is all a dream. it's so easy to lose you. i'm afraid that one morning i'm going to wake up and this will all have been my imagination. i'm scared that everything we dreamed for the future won't come true. what if we never get the chance to do all the things we planned? i'm so afraid you're going to change your mind and i'm going to be left all alone. i don't know what i would do then. we've already created the rest of our lives together in our dreams. how does a person recreate and rebuild their future? i don't think i could do that. i just want solid proof that this is possible. i want to know that we can make this happen. i'm afraid that i'm going to crack and fall apart before we get a chance to make our dreams reality. i'm scared that i'm not strong enough.
i need you here with me...
Monday, September 13, 2010
the truth about heaven
first things first, i love you so much alex for telling me to listen to what to do when you're dead by armor for sleep. definitely one of the best albums i've ever heard in my life. i don't think i've ever related to something in such a way before. thank you thank you thank you.
i've been thinking a lot lately. it's nothing major. it's nothing concrete. i think i've made a few break throughs and realizations. things about forgiving people and about letting things go and loving people for their flaws. even though i've learned that all of these things are important and i need to implement them into my life, actually making these improvements is a hard thing to do. letting go of old ways is no easy task. breaking down every ounce of self preservation you've created over the years due to countless shitty experiences is near impossible. but it's what i have to do if i want anything in my life to get better. i need to stop letting the things that he did hold me back. i need to live for me. i need to be better for the people that i love. i can't keep letting things that happened in the past ruin my future. i can't keep repeating the same mistakes.
maybe you see now that i'm willing to change. maybe you somewhat see that i've been trying really hard. maybe you understand that it does take time. it's not easy. especially with all the stress. maybe you realize that i'm going to be patient with you as you try to change also. we aren't just changing for the sake of our relationship. i don't want you to think that you're just changing because i want you to. i want you to see that changes will help you in life also. instead of fighting each other when times get hard, we need to help each other. i've never been good at letting things go. i've always let the little things hurt me to no end. but i see now that i need to change that. however, i need you to realize that i can't do it without you. you know im sensitive and it helps nothing when you're so stubborn and hard headed about things. and i know that sometimes you slip up. you're not perfect. you're not always going to do the things i want you to do. i'm going to be patient. i'm going to be accepting of your mistakes. as long as things don't get out of hand, i'm not going to stress every mistake you make. only if you're willing to do the same for me.
we both have a lot of stress in our lives right now and it's having a huge effect on our relationship. i know that sometimes it's hard to want to keep going when things seem like they're never going to get better. i firmly believe that as long as we know what the problem is and we're willing to fix it, then we can make it through anything. i love you more than anything in my life right now. you are what i look forward to every day. you are what puts a smile on my face when i'm down. you're the one i would do anything for. anything. so i refuse to let you go. i refuse to let over exaggerated arguments tear us apart. you mean too much to me to let that ever happen.
this is for you
and this is for me
this is for the both of us
for eternity
i've been thinking a lot lately. it's nothing major. it's nothing concrete. i think i've made a few break throughs and realizations. things about forgiving people and about letting things go and loving people for their flaws. even though i've learned that all of these things are important and i need to implement them into my life, actually making these improvements is a hard thing to do. letting go of old ways is no easy task. breaking down every ounce of self preservation you've created over the years due to countless shitty experiences is near impossible. but it's what i have to do if i want anything in my life to get better. i need to stop letting the things that he did hold me back. i need to live for me. i need to be better for the people that i love. i can't keep letting things that happened in the past ruin my future. i can't keep repeating the same mistakes.
maybe you see now that i'm willing to change. maybe you somewhat see that i've been trying really hard. maybe you understand that it does take time. it's not easy. especially with all the stress. maybe you realize that i'm going to be patient with you as you try to change also. we aren't just changing for the sake of our relationship. i don't want you to think that you're just changing because i want you to. i want you to see that changes will help you in life also. instead of fighting each other when times get hard, we need to help each other. i've never been good at letting things go. i've always let the little things hurt me to no end. but i see now that i need to change that. however, i need you to realize that i can't do it without you. you know im sensitive and it helps nothing when you're so stubborn and hard headed about things. and i know that sometimes you slip up. you're not perfect. you're not always going to do the things i want you to do. i'm going to be patient. i'm going to be accepting of your mistakes. as long as things don't get out of hand, i'm not going to stress every mistake you make. only if you're willing to do the same for me.
we both have a lot of stress in our lives right now and it's having a huge effect on our relationship. i know that sometimes it's hard to want to keep going when things seem like they're never going to get better. i firmly believe that as long as we know what the problem is and we're willing to fix it, then we can make it through anything. i love you more than anything in my life right now. you are what i look forward to every day. you are what puts a smile on my face when i'm down. you're the one i would do anything for. anything. so i refuse to let you go. i refuse to let over exaggerated arguments tear us apart. you mean too much to me to let that ever happen.
this is for you
and this is for me
this is for the both of us
for eternity
Sunday, September 12, 2010
what to do when you are dead
it completely blows when you think youre doing everything in your ability to make things better but its not working. it just tears my heart out. all this time, ive been thinking that ive been making improvements. but you cant see that. it hurts like hell. but i guess it goes both ways. now i get how youve been feeling. but that doesnt mean that we cant fix things. it doesnt mean that things arent going to get better. this sort of stuff just takes a while. it feels like youve lost all of your patience. its like weve switched roles. but i dont know. i dont know what to say. the point is, theres no way in hell im letting you go. not after all the promises. not after everything you and i have said. hell no.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
love it or left it
i can't even express how much i dislike you right now. you are one of the most selfish people in the world. you are terrible at helping me when i need you. you never succeed in actually being there for me. you get mad at me whenever i don't want to talk about something. why can't you just respect when i'm not ready to talk about something. you have no reason to get mad about that. that's just being selfish. when i'm upset, it's not about you. it's about me. you are a complete jackass for yelling at me when i'm upset just because i don't do the things you want me to do. you're a jerk for yelling at me when i don't want to talk about something that's bothering me. you're an idiot for getting pissed when the things you say to "comfort" me don't succeed in helping me feel better. seriously, who gets mad at a person when their advice doesn't work? have i ever done that to you? have i ever yelled at you when you don't want to talk about something? i have countless examples of when you've been upset and you won't talk about what happens. have i ever gotten pissed when i'm trying to help you and you won't take my advice or when what i say doesn't help? no, i have NEVER done that. i have remained patient and i kept suggesting things and i have wished you the best even when you wouldn't listen.
this relationship is completely unfair. last night, when you were upset that you're parents constantly think their right, i asked what situation led you to say that. i asked what conversation you and your parents were having. you wouldn't tell me. you just gave me general answers. so what right do you have to get mad at me when i'm upset about something and after you saying two fucking things it doesn't help me. i didn't do anything wrong. it is not my fault that your advice didn't help make me feel better in that exact moment. it's also not my fault that you hurt me when you got pissed at me. i was completely justified in calling you a jerk, a jackass, and a dick. that is what you are when you get pissed at someone when they're upset. you are so selfish. when you try to help me, you're only thinking of yourself. you getting pissed is just fucking selfish. you calling me a bitch when i get mad at you because you clearly did something to hurt me, is one hundred percent selfish.
if you think that i owe you any form of apology for what happened last night, then you're more of a prick that i thought. i don't owe you any apology. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't do anything to cause you to get annoyed or angry at me. i was right when i called you a jerk because that's the way you were acting. i was justified in being hurt by you and being angered by what you said. you were completely fucking wrong and out of line. this is your fault and i am not going to be the one who offers that we fix it. that's your fucking job. if you don't fix it and if you don't say you're sorry for every fucking thing you did, then this is over. i am not going to put up with someone treating me like shit when i'm upset. i deserve better than that. you were wrong and i have numerous people who have seen the texts and who agree with me that you're a jackass. so if you want to sit there and make this look like it's all my fault, then you're a fucking idiot.
i hate you.
this relationship is completely unfair. last night, when you were upset that you're parents constantly think their right, i asked what situation led you to say that. i asked what conversation you and your parents were having. you wouldn't tell me. you just gave me general answers. so what right do you have to get mad at me when i'm upset about something and after you saying two fucking things it doesn't help me. i didn't do anything wrong. it is not my fault that your advice didn't help make me feel better in that exact moment. it's also not my fault that you hurt me when you got pissed at me. i was completely justified in calling you a jerk, a jackass, and a dick. that is what you are when you get pissed at someone when they're upset. you are so selfish. when you try to help me, you're only thinking of yourself. you getting pissed is just fucking selfish. you calling me a bitch when i get mad at you because you clearly did something to hurt me, is one hundred percent selfish.
if you think that i owe you any form of apology for what happened last night, then you're more of a prick that i thought. i don't owe you any apology. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't do anything to cause you to get annoyed or angry at me. i was right when i called you a jerk because that's the way you were acting. i was justified in being hurt by you and being angered by what you said. you were completely fucking wrong and out of line. this is your fault and i am not going to be the one who offers that we fix it. that's your fucking job. if you don't fix it and if you don't say you're sorry for every fucking thing you did, then this is over. i am not going to put up with someone treating me like shit when i'm upset. i deserve better than that. you were wrong and i have numerous people who have seen the texts and who agree with me that you're a jackass. so if you want to sit there and make this look like it's all my fault, then you're a fucking idiot.
i hate you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
