wet hot american summer

well, i got back from florida on the 19th. i had a pretty alright time. ate a lot of good food. got to go on the beaches before the oil started washing up. became a little less pale. did not learn how to swim. sweat a lot. had really bad hair every day. bought a few things. mostly, i had a lot of simple fun with my family. wish i could have stayed longer or brought a few people with me. theres a lot to do in pensacola.
hm, what else has been going on? i took my road test on the 21st. failed it. epicly. its half my fault because i let my anxiety affect me so much. its half the driving schools fault because i had a drive time that morning and the instructor told me i was doing everything perfect and i would probably pass my test. however, she forgot to mention all of the little details i would need for my test. whatever. now, i have to wait until september to try again. how awesome...
i think i decided that i'm done with twitter. i havent deleted my account or anything. but i did stop getting updates on my phone and i deleted my twitter contact. twitter seemed fun when i was the only one of my friends to have it. then, a few of my friends got it and it wasnt bad. but now so many people i know have it that i cant even say anything without risking judgement. its like every time i quote a song lyric that i like people have to ask questions about it. i dont know. it just got really annoying. twitter was like a mini blog for me. i could get all of my little random thoughts out and it felt really good to not have everything clogged up in my head. but whatever. ill miss getting info from bands and stuff too. and ill miss the occasional funny or cute tweets i used to get. all in all, i guess im glad to not be involved with everyone elses business and shit anymore.
i wish i was doing more this summer. like going to a concert or hanging out with more friends. its pretty sad that theres only one person i make plans with and theres only one person i talk to all day every day. i dont want to blame myself but i cant completely blame everyone else. i have gone swimming with the boys this summer. and i have gone to a couple sleepovers. it just sucks having a job. apparently, working at 4pm means that the rest of my day has to be full of nothing. ugh. not to mention the fact that most of my not so big paycheck has to go towards saving for things so i never have any spending money. i wish i was less of a complainer.
i recently got an account on last.fm and i finally actually updated my account on playlist.com. music helps distract me. i made a john mayer playlist yesterday. literally, i put practically every john mayer song ever made on that playlist. ive listened to one song so far haha. sad sad sad. last.fm im not sure why i got an account on. its pretty cool because you learn about new artists and it shows you people who have similar music interests as you. but im not sure i want to get into making more random friends online. speaking of random online friends, flash flash revolution is supposed to be coming back soon. considering the fact that my best friend in the entire universe is on there, i might go back on. however, once again, im not sure i want to get back into the whole talking to people online thing. when i do that it just seems like im wasting my life when i could be out talking to my real friends. who knows. we will see.
i really wanted to go see toy story 3 but it came out while i was in florida and now i feel like its too late to go see it. i hate being the only one in a movie theater. i absolutely despise it. despicable me is coming out soon. it looks so fucking adorable. im definitely going to make sure i go see that one. i still havent decided if im going to warped tour this year. it comes to milwaukee the day after i get back from california. im just not sure i want to spend all of that money to see only a few bands that arent even my favorite bands. i really wanted to go to summer fest this year because like a bazillion bands that i love were going. passion pit, sick puppies, silversun pickups, the devil wears prada, neon trees, paper tongues, more more more more more. but summer fest goes on for like 10 days and its 15 dollars a day for admission and its in milwaukee. needless to say, i dont have the money or a ride and i have a job that conflicts with pretty much every day i wanted to go. oh well. im just hoping that the silversun pickups tour again because they are AMAZING and ive missed them every time they come to this area.
so its summer. almost july. that means that summer is almost 1/3 over. i better start living it up while i can.

lets start a war together and die at the same time

wow, it's officially the end of my sophomore year. i never thought i would want summer to come so fast. this year definitely had its share of ups and downs. sadly, i think the downs are what is most prominent in my memory. all i can say is that i'm so glad i had certain people in my life to help me get through my roughest times and i'm even more glad that they put up with my crazy ass mood swings. i'm not sure what changes have occured within me this year. i'm still obnoxiously shy like i've always been. i still only wear skinny jeans and i love my band tees. i guess i am more of a fun seeker in a way. i love hanging out with my boys. i don't know what i would do without them. those kids make me laugh so much. except when they throw fireworks and me. that's not much fun.
got a job at pizza hut not too long ago. lucky for me, i get to work with tj. i've only actually worked one day so far but i work for the next three nights. i can't help but let my anxiety get to me. i'm afraid of messing up when it really counts. however, i am positive i will eventually get the hang of things and hopefully i won't dread going to my job.
what to do what to do what to do.
suddenly, all of my summer plans seem less exciting than before. i leave for florida on friday. in a couple of weeks, i do my last drive time and take my drive test. lets all hope i pass. california will be in july still. maybe i'll be going to summer fest and warped tour. i'm just afraid that work is going to interfere with everything. if i can't go see silversun pickups at summer fest because of work, i might just kill myself. bleh =p
rawr. i really don't know what else to say. this whole keeping up with my blogging thing hasn't really worked out. oh well. not like many people care.
did i ever rant about why alternative music is the best? even if i did, i'm going to do it again right here.
alternative music can be listened to no matter what mood you're in. happy, sad, lonely, angry, excited, in love, heartbroken, thoughtful, empty. i could go on for hours. alternative music has so many varieties. you can listen to it at so many events. birthday parties, graduation parties, in a clothing store, in a restaraunt, at a party, sitting with your significant other, when doing chores, when doing art, when you're alone and don't have anything better to do. i don't think you could ever go wrong with alternative music.

p.s.

somehow my "comments" got changed to "mutherfuckers talkin shit" and i do not enjoy it. nor do i know how to change it. ive tried but nothing works. makes me sad.

born to quit

i wish things like this didnt happen on a daily basis. our communication sucks for lack of a better word. two strong headed people are not meant to be together. no matter how many times we cry, we yell, we fight, we fix things, it always seems like we resort back to our old ways. in no way would i ever really want to blame you for everything. that would be wrong. i do the same things as you. i find it pathetic that we cant realize when we are wrong. we cant just stop and listen to the other person. even when i mean no harm by what im saying, you take offense. even when you did not mean to hurt me, im hurt. even when i try to calmly tell you how i feel, you get defensive. it seems like everything turns into an arguement between us these days. you tell me i dont listen. you call me a hypocrite. you say im being a bitch. but as those words fall from your lips, you fail to see the things you have already said. i never claim to be better than you. i try my hardest to not assume what youre going to do. yet, you cant give me that same respect. i know my anger can be a terrible thing. yours is too whether you will admit it or not. in some ways, i feel like i admit more of my faults than you admit of yourself. you say you want to talk things out by how am i supposed to do that when youre being so hostile? sometimes, it feels like you yell at me like a father would scold a child. it seems very condescending. you speak matter of factly then say youre just stating an opinion. i know thats exactly what i did today so i cannot really say its all your fault all of the time.
it breaks my heart every time we do this. alas, i honestly cant change the way i feel. i cant program myself to not take offense to things that bother me. im sorry i am so emotional at times. im sorry i voice when i am hurt or bothered. and it would be stupid of me to expect you to change the way you feel about things. most of the time, i feel like we are destined to be like this for the rest of our time together. i know you say you want to fix things. i know you say forever and always.

but what if that is not best for us?

what if forever and always will bring us more disaffection and pain that happiness?



i dont know what to do.



i dont know what to say.



i dont know how i feel.



...

eh, nothing else i can say

mother, you hated that your parents hated you. well, i hate that you hate me. and hopefully soon youll hate that i hate you. thank you for occasionally realizing that you give me hell on a daily basis. fuck you for not doing a damn thing to change. you say im such a bitter, angry, bitchy child. jeez, i wonder why.
i blame you and that swell man you married for the relationship issues i have today. i blame you for starting a family that was destined to fail. you chose to be a stupid teenager. you chose to marry a man that you knew was terrible. you chose to say all of those things youve said to me. youve sealed both of our fates. for you, youre going to be a lonely old woman. and me? well, im just going to be called crazy and insane by every person i love because im paranoid out of my mind thanks to all of the things ive had to experience. yeah sure, i could blame my dad for the abuse he dished out and all of his bullshit. however, i see more and more clearly each day that it was you who allowed all of those things to happen.
maybe im exaggerating a little. i know thats not how i should think. im just angry right now. im bitter. im a bitch. how many more times do i have to hear it? yeah, i get that im crazy. i hate myself enough for it. i already despise who i am. do you have to make it worse?



cool.

we are...

a rough sketch of an idea im working on
it could need some additions or rearrangements or things taken out
it could be perfect just the way it is

* * *

we are those who seek but cannot find

we are the lost and troubled souls

we are the bleeding hearts

we are the damned

we are the living

everchanging

lately, not much has changed. looking back at my last post, the whole world has changed. this is not updated at all. i attempted a post a few weeks ago. i had so much to say but there were some errors and well, here i am.
previous events:
i went to a motion city soundtrack concert with sing it loud, fun, and a rocket to the moon.
also! i went a say anything concert with angels and airwaves.
now that ive seen motion city and say anything, i am ready to die...teehee =]
arranging my thoughts into something intelligent and interesting just isnt going to happen today. however, now is when i have the time and motivation so its going to happen no matter what.
i must kickstart my blogging habit again

oh lord, where to start......

my feelings towards life have been changing. by being a wallflower, i have observed a lot. thats kind of what i do now. i dont really like to participate anymore. maybe its just this place that i am trapped. i feel like i am so far beyond this town and the people in it. i want to leave. i want to be somewhere new. this town has nothing left to offer me but bad memories and hate. i have grown very indifferent to my surroundings. i have discovered that i can fight and fight and fight for my views and opinions. i can try to make things go my way. but that rarely happens and when it does, i find myself very unsatisfied. the picture in my head will never become reality. reality will never equal my expectations and hopes and dreams and aspirations and....

it seems as though nobody listens to the things i say anymore. i notice people looking away when i talk. they even interupt me and start conversations with other people. due to this, i keep most things in my head. i do not discuss the way i am feeling. i try to not express my opinions. i say a lot of "i dont know" and "maybe". i cannot completely blame my friends for our disconnect. i am also the one who let things slide and disappear. it just seems like i am going in a different direction than they are. they all want to go to school events and hang with these kids i am not fond of and all of this other whatnot. i really cannot explain it in the right way. i want to talk to different people; people that dont exist in this town. i have yet to find someone who is anywhere near interested in all of the things that i am. i feel alone and very isolated. i feel as though i have nothing to contribute to peoples conversations.

i want summer. i desire a time to renew. a time where i can just be me. i can do the things i want to do. i can relax. i can be free. i hate all of these deadlines. i loathe the anxiety. i despise the drama. i want to be rid of all of it.

seasonal affective disorder. i am staring at the blue sky. hardly a cloud in sight. according to any therapist, this would mean im supposed to be happy. so why am i apathetic? yes, rainy days and dark clouds typically mean sadness and anger for me. but the sun still cannot save me from my irrational moods. i make no sense to myself. i do believe that no therapist can fit me into their frivolous little categories.

back to summer. i want to talk about my plans.
two days after school gets out, june 11th, ill be boarding a plane to florida and i wont be coming back until june 19th. sometime in july, ill be on my way to california. working on persuading my mom to let me go to LA for a day. i want to snort mountains of cocaine and get lost in the sex, drugs, and disaffection. for sure. also, im hoping to go to michigan (the up) for some sort of camping trip. still not sure if thats actually going to happen or if ill be going. we shall see. if i come back from california in time and can scrape up some money, id love to go to warped tour. i plan on borrowing the first season of true blood from tai. that should occupy me quite easily. i want to get some more money to buy piles upon piles of novels about teen angst, depression, drugs, sex, suicide and all that jazz. i also want to find more time to do my artwork since i find myself to be rather unmotivated and distracted in school. and of course i would be happy if i could find more time for this little thing so i can document my craziness.

oh me, oh my.
i think that is enough for one post. i feel it necessary to expand on a few of these thoughts but not all at once.

to be continued

eventually