we are always searching

mirage

2011-12-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

Promises are like little obscured lies.

You left me and I'll never get you back.

My future disappeared right before my eyes.

Desperation fills my despondent cries.

Your unexpected choice made me a wrack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

There is nothing behind these empty sighs.

More lost than I've ever been, I see black.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

My affection will not let me despise

You though you caused this massive heart attack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

I will continue to wear this disguise

Though you obviously threw me off track.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

I'll rip out my heart to seal my demise.

I can't love again when trust's what I lack.

Promises are like little obscured lies.

My future vanished right before my eyes.

what is love

2011-11-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

irrelevant but i wish i payed more attention to alex pardees blog on here. maybe ill work on that.

anyways, we talked about arranged marriages in anthropology today and im almost convinced that they are better than the american style of dating and shit. for some reason, it made me think about what i wanted in a guy. why voice it on here? maybe its because i can come back and look at it years from now and see how things have changed. after all, this blog is almost like my personal history. if i kept it up more, it would be the perfect journal to go back to. maybe ill also work on that =]

anyways, about my perfect guy ^_^ these are some of the things i look for:

♥appearance

-i like height! i dont think i could date a guy who was my height or only slightly taller than me. six foot or above is very nice ;) but i could compromise on a little shorter

-fitness is always a nice thing. i plan on maintaining my weight and fitness so you should too! im not asking for mr. muscles although a few would be cool ;) of course, im not one of those shallow girls who needs to have the perfect body. id also compromise on that if you made up for it in other ways.

-ive always had a thing for brown hair over blonde hair

-as far as race goes, im not against any of them. i guess ive never really been into asians but hell, if you pull it off, then why not? :) i think id like someone who was not the same race as me because im really open to learning different lifestyles. it makes things more interesting :)

♥interests

-music is a huge deal for me. i want a guy who is into alternative, screamo, punk, and shit like that. im not sure i want rap or indie to be among his favorite genres but it would be cool if he was somewhat into them =] music i can bend on. but if they make fun of my music, theyre done. ill be accepting of your music if youre accepting of mine =] but i would totally prefer someone who liked the above genres. i dont want them to like ALL of the same artists i like though because i love learning new music ^_^

-i love skater boys. either that or bmx. one, it means that you have a hobby. two, it means that you like to keep in shape. three, it means that youre kinda radical and fun =] those boys know all about free living ^_^

-im kind of a laid back person. i like time to myself or time to just relax. i totally have nothing against sitting around and watching tv or playing board games. i want a guy who can appreciate the little things =]

-i dont want a hardcore nerd. however, i want someone educated. enjoying reading is a plus =] having motivation and goals in life is a super plus =]

♥personality

-as i said, im kind of laid back at times. so, i want a guy who is like that

-BUT i also want a guy who can get shit done and who likes to have fun =]

-i want someone who pays attention to detail and the small things. it makes life special. i want a guy who can appreciate stuff like that

-swagger is a must. i love a guy with confidence and the right amount of ego. the second you turn cocky youre done though.

-i want a guy who can make fun of himself. it shows that he doesnt take himself or life too seriously =] he needs to have a sense of humor. i like the right amount of cheese if a guy can pull it off ^_^ most importantly, he has to be able to handle my sarcasm =]

-he needs to be understanding. if you cant understand me, then living with me will be hell. i dont want to have to constantly explain myself or anything. i want a guy who is like me personality wise so he can understand me but he also has differences in his personality so we dont clash or get bored with each other.

-i want a guy who sticks to his beliefs. if you dont know what you stand for, then what kind of life are you living? at the same time, he needs to e accepting of other peoples view points. i dont always agree with other people, but thats how the world is. everyone is different.

-im not sure his background matters. i dont exactly want a guy with a lot of baggage but i sure as hell have a lot of it. so maybe it would be good if he did have some so we can relate in that matter. however, i dont want his issues to become my issues.

-going with the previous one, i want a guy who is emotionally stable. i need you to be strong because it keeps me strong. however, i dont want someone who is emotionless. i want you to feel. i dont want a guy who comes off like he doesnt care about anything. you need to care and you need to show it. but i dont want a guy who is crazy emotional and unpredictable. its hard enough that im like that. being with a guy who is the same way would be a disaster.

-as previously stated i want a guy who cares. when i talk, show interest. i know i ramble but hell im going to show interest in what you have to say. also, i want a guy who is romantic. it keeps things interesting. it shows that you love me.

-respect is a huge thing. respect me, respect other people, respect yourself. if i dont see respect, especially towards me, youre getting kicked to the curb. no man will treat me poorly.

♥others

-as far as beliefs go, im not religious. ive officially named myself agnostic. therefore, i dont think i could be with a super religious guy.i afraid i wouldnt be able to accept his beliefs and im afraid he would try to force them on me. however, i could be with a guy who is modestly religious. i dont care if youre a believer, just dont shove it in my face. i couldnt deal with that.

-obviously i want a guy who wants to get married. commitment is key because i dont want any chance of other women.

-as far as kids go, its my mother fucking body. i know that i want kids but i dont know how many or how i want to have them. i dont want a guy who is going to rush me into it. i dont want a guy who is going to want a shit ton of kids. you need to be respectful of the fact that is my body that is going to get ruined in the process of having children. therefore, a guy who is open to the possibility of adoption or even holding off on children for a while would be cool shit.

i feel like im forgetting a whole bunch of stuff. pretty much, i want a guy who is a lot like me but doesnt have everything in common with me. im not asking for anything that i wouldnt give in return. you get what you give. if a guy is going to expect me to be a certain way, he needs to return the favor. im not going to be the only one cooking and cleaning. i dont believe in cliche gender roles. so i guess that is another thing to add to the list.i dont want a sexist prick. i equally dont want a guy who sexually objectifies women. i dont mind the occasionally sex joke but he needs to know where to draw the line. also, i have a fucking career plan that nobody is going to hold me back from. therefore, i need a guy who is going to accept that. also, if he could show at least some interest in psychology that would be amazing. im going to make it a point to express interest in your career goal so be interested in mine. we will learn from each other. i want someone that will be my friend and my lover. i want someone who loves me and likes me as a person. i dont want someone who is going to try to change me. i am learning what my faults are and trying to change them. i will accept constructive criticism and i wouldnt mind help on my making progress because i would do those things for him in a heartbeat.

basically, i want someone i can be with forever. and those things that i listed seem to be the things that would make for a lasting relationship with me.

maybe in the future, these things will change. it will be interesting to come back and read this and see if that happens =]

i wish i knew

2011-11-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

first off, i absolutely hate how google chrome finds it necessary to tell me when ive spelled things incorrectly. like, thanks google chrome but i actually wanted it that way you jerk.

i honestly feel like i have nothing of importance to say yet at the same time, something is eating away inside of me and i need to get it out in some way. random, but i probably commit a lot of comma errors on here. i hope no one judges me for that.

i suppose it would help to start out frank. it feels like i have dragged into the worst pit of depression ive ever experienced in my entire life. i skip classes. i call into work. i dont do my homework. it feels like im losing all the people i used to be close to. which i guess that last part isnt exactly far from the truth considering the fact that i definitely have lost some people. college has been lonely. i feel like im missing out on so much that is going on at high school. i have failed to stay connected with my high school friends and for some reason i feel like they have no desire to stay connected with me.

random again. im just now watching the video for work by jimmy eat world and it takes place in madison, wisconsin. im not sure how i feel about this considering the fact that the song is about getting out before you end up stuck in a shitty place. i dont know. "get out of this place while we still have time." i personally would not want to leave madison as fast as i could but im probably misinterpreting the bands meaning behind that aspect. i still adore jimmy eat world.

back to me being lonely. it feels like everyone i put my faith in finds a way to hurt me. sometimes, it feels like i bring it on myself. other times, i honestly cant figure out what the fuck ive done to deserve such shitty treatment. the stupid part is i fucking revolve my entire life around these shitty people. then, when people actually want to be kind to me and actually want to talk to me, i shove those people away. it almost seems like i dont feel normal unless im miserable. why else would i chase after people who treat me so poorly? then again, wanting what i cant have has always been a major downfall of mine.

im finding it extremely hard to find any enjoyment out of life. the fact that i feel as though i have no company makes it even harder. i see no enjoyment in having fun by yourself. i dont know. it seems like my entire life is now work and school. i hate my job. school is boring and difficult. its hard to have a life outside of that when my motivation is already lacking. its nearly impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning these days. the fact that ive spent nearly every minute of these past three days crying makes it even harder. anywho, im always tired and lifeless...which makes having a life well, impossible.

i just dont know what to do about any of this. medication is stupid. therapy is stupid. i dont have anything to talk about. you could ask me whats wrong. id say im lonely. youd tell me to talk to people. like cool, counselors these days are so annoying. theyre shit for advice and virtually useless. im determined to be different if i make it that far in life. i feel like moving to milwaukee and attending college there is giong to kill me. if im already feeling lonely here in my hometown, moving away from all my friends and family is going to make everything a million times worse.

for the record, i am rambling like a moron right now and if i ever come back and read this post, im going to hit myself on the head for sounding so stupid.

basically, it comes down to the fact that im only 17 and im already stressed to the point where i cant handle it. im already letting my stress have a negative impact on my life. and once that starts happening, its hard to get out of the pattern of being miserable. its hard to kick a skipping habit once its started. its hard to start doing homework once youve started neglecting it. and its super hard to start feeling happy when youve been depressed and anxious for so long. its to the point where me feeling happy is such an odd experience to me because im not used to feeling that way. it almost feels uncomfortable to be joyous. maybe, thats why i bring misery upon myself, because thats what im so used to that its been programmed in my mind that sadness is normal. this constant aching in my heart is almost comforting when its all ive really known for so long...

i have no idea how to get out of this rut. ive never been stuck so badly before. i know that pain is supposed to be temporary, but when youre in the moment and youre struggling so much, its really hard to see a way out. all i know is that if i dont resolve this, im going to end up fucking up my life. im going to end up ruining everything ive worked so hard for. im going to destroy my road to happiness. i think this has literally become a matter of life or death.

its never fun when reality sets in...

shake me down

2011-09-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

youre still the main focus of my mind but i just cant do it! there is way too much plaguing my mind right now to not let it out in some way, shape, or form. im about to go crazy. its not obvious but its happening. if only people knew how preoccupied i am then they would understand.
life is changing so damn much. first, im in college. i dont even really like the thought of it. i dont like doing the work. i dont like having to think. i just want to sleep. i just want to sit and not do a damn thing. i miss the days when i had endless free time. now, i rarely get a chance to do fun things. aside from that, i have no one to do shit with anymore anyways. the only female friend i have is taylor and her and i are so different is weird when we hang out lately. plus were both too busy and im too lazy to coordinate our schedules. austin, yeah i hang out with austin a lot but im too damn preoccupied with everything else to even think about having fun. the guys, things just arent the same with them. everyone is growing up and its just not as goofy and random and just plain fun like it used to be. it seems like everyone always has other things going on or other shit to do and i just cant explain it. jordan, the only person other than austin that ive been spending one on one time with right now. since my mind is preoccupied with the thoughts of michael right now, its not easy for me to express my exact sentiments towards this boy. he makes me feel special. jordan makes me laugh and puts me at ease. but i know it cant last. i want it to but it just cant. we live two different lives with two different personalities and im just going to end up getting hurt with him like i did last time. im an idiot. all i do is repeat my mistakes. ill never learn.
whatever. those are the people who are actually in my city. i seem to have this fascination with befriending people who live far away from me. im an idiot for this also. i suppose ill start with omart although i dont know what to say about him. im not sure what type of relationship i want with him. all i know is right now i believe i need him in my life. maybe its becauseim feeling so abandoned so i need at least someone. we relate in more ways than ive ever related with someone before. he reminds me of me a lot. same interests, same music taste, same sense of style, same personality for the most part, etc. hes more connected to me than i am to him. at this point in time, i cant honestly say i love him. i care about him. but im not sure it goes any further than that. which makes me feel bad because i know his feelings extend far past that point. first off, i cant get close to someone like that again when im still so emotionally invested in someone else. also, im so sick of this long distance shit. i dont want to get hurt again. im sick of living in a dream. im sick of starting things i know will end badly. and as horrible as i feel i just cant be to him what he wants me to be right now. but at the same time, i adore his company and im truly glad i have him right now.
alex, oh alex. the things we have been through together...they could write a series of novels on it. and it would be one fucked up series. you were going through a really hard time. i tried to understand. i was going through a really hard time. you tried to be there for me. you tried to make up for all the shitty things you had done in the past. i realized you still had affection for me although i couldnt understand it. you wanted to come clean. i couldnt handle the things you had to tell me. i said some things i regret. you threatened to end your life...and i just couldnt have that. i had no way of knowing whether you were joking or not and i couldnt stand the thought of you maybe dying and me never knowing what had happened...i just wanted to prevent all of that...i just wanted to save you...i didnt know you would end up in a mental hospital. or at least thats what you told me happened. i have yet to check whether your phone is off like you said it would be. i have yet to try texting your parents. i think its because i cant handle that drama right now. im not sure i want to know the answer. but im left sitting here wondering on a daily basis. if i could take back all the things i said i would. im taking the blame for this one. i still have resentment towards you for what you did but if youre in the situation you said youre in right now, i have nothing but sympathy for you because i know i couldnt handle that if it were me. i have no idea what else to say. i just want to rewind and have this entire mess erased...
on to a not so fucked up and unhappy matter. wyatt. from my middle school years. i never expected to see this boy again. in fact, i almost forgot about him. but he magically appeared in my anthropology class and now he sits by me. the first thing he said to me was "wow, you look grown up". i wasnt sure how to take that. as good or bad or neutral. it surprised me. i forgot how much ive changed in all these years. and wyatt has reminded me of all of that. ive tweeted about him a great deal lately which people have taken notice to. honestly the only reason i do tweet so much about him is because he provokes so many thoughts in my head. he asked me to eat lunch with him and his friends the other day. i was so surprised by this. i never expected him to want to hang out with me and then i started wondering wow what would happen if i did take this opportunity. tweet. then he asked me today if i still wore black every day. i started thinking about how my clothing has changed yet i do still appear the same in ways. tweet. then, of course since wyatt noticed a change in me and because he is somewhat new to my life i felt the need to impress him. i felt like i needed to prove myself to him. plus, hes just the type of kid that has a huge ego and you just feel like you need to match his perfection somehow. tweet. i feel like people take my tweets in a different context than i initially intend them to mean. but whatever. ive given up on what other people think.
i suppose this is the bulk of what has been on my mind lately. i think all of it revolves around other people except the stress of school and work. i think if it werent for all the fucked up relationships i have right now, the whole school and work combination wouldnt be a hassle. i wouldnt be as mentally exhausted so i could actually handle work and i wouldnt be as distracted so i could actually focus on school. someday, ill get this shit figured out. until that day, im fighting. im staying as strong as i possibly can. i get the urge to quit sometimes. i think everybody gets that. i want the easy way out. but im not going to take it. im not quitting any time soon.

oasis

2011-09-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

well, its amazing how quickly life can change. its even more amazing how you dont even have to do anything to cause those changes that happen. ive had so much going on in my head lately and ive been craving a place to let it free. sadly, i never found a chance to get on here. and as usual, once i am on here, everything seems to slip away.
michael, i want to start with you because you are constantly on my mind. constantly. you broke my heart. despite the fact that you hurt me beyond belief, i will never once say that i hate you. that is so far from reality. i love you more than ive ever loved anyone. its a different kind of love than ive ever experienced. this pains me so much to talk about. i understand your reasoning behind your actions. i completely get where you were coming from. thats not the part thats eating away at my soul right now. its the fact that you presented me with a chance to get you back and im having to turn it down. truth be told, i depserately want you in my life. i depserately want to be with you. you are one of the most amazing people ive ever met. it amazes me how we clicked so easily. it doesnt take me any effort when i talk to you. you make me smile without even trying. well, not so much anymore. but, thats due to all the emotions and thoughts that im currently preoccupied with. i love you like crazy. and in a perfect world where nothing else mattered, id be in texas in a heartbeat. id transfer colleges, my mom would approve, id live with you, we would eventually get married, id graduate and find a job, so on and so forth, and then we would live happily ever after...but this world isnt perfect like that, michael...ironic how im typing about you now and our song has come on. wonderwall by oasis. i now cry every time i hear this song or any song of theirs. the truth is, i cant pick up and leave wisconsin for you. i cant just throw away everything i have. its not that easy. and this is the part that kills me...i dont want to...i have too many things to worry about right now...i dont want to add to my worries by attempting to move to texas with you...it just cant happen right now and i dont have the guts to actually tell YOU this. instead, im here telling my blog. michael, the sound of your name is literally music to my ears. i love the way it rolls off of my tongue. i love thinking about you. id give anything to get back what we had a month ago...living in our fairytale world we had so many plans to make this work...it all seemed so possible...first, you threw it all away. but then you tried to bring it back and now im the one fucking everything up...id like to blame it on bad timing. this is just an awful time in my life to be moving around and stuff. i dont know...i know i could make it work if i really tried. it would involve a lot of sacrifices...but im just not able to bring myself to do that right now...i cant lose what i have for you...im sorry that this is what it has come to. i just hope you know exactly how much i do love you because my love for you is immense. i dont think it ever ends. ive never once thought a single bad thought about you. even when you hurt me. youre amazing, michael daniel rodriguez. i hope that dreams do come true. i hope that we find each other in the future and everything we wanted and dreamed for becomes reality. its all i think about....
there are plenty of other things i have on my mind right now but after that i cant bring myself to think about anything else. maybe later ill be back to finish what i started in this post but i doubt it. my life is a mountain of empty promises these days.

i felt free

2011-08-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

life is life lately. nothing seems to phase me or surprise me these days. how dull.
my new job at the Hampton Inn is probably the worst job in the world. its not entirely the fact that i have to clean a bunch of nasty shit every day. its also the fact that i work with a bunch of older women who: treat me like im a child yet, are nasty and scrubby, and act like they are in fucking high school. youre going to talk down on me like im a child yet i act more mature than you do? what sense does that make? none at all. but what can you do about how other people act?
random but recent. i went out with the guys for the first time like all summer since warped tour. we went to the driving range. i may suck at golf but it was kind of addicting =] then we went to austins for a fire and shit. i dont know. it was fun but at the same time it was different. people just dont act the same anymore. it wasnt as goofy and random as it usually is. plus there was cigar smoking and ross brought weed. not usually the type of shit im into. in fact, id rather prefer to avoid those things at all costs. i guess its whatever. i guess this is growing up.
blogging is frustrating these days. i know whats on my mind but i never know what to say anymore. i rememember the days where it all just flowed out with hardly any effort at all. now it takes actual force to get my thoughts out of my damn head. i guess maybe i think its pointless. no one reads this anyways. i rarely come on here anymore. yet, i feel inclined to post every now and then. maybe because some day in the future, i might decide to come on here and read everything. like a record of my past. all the details of my life.
im listening to circa survive right now and thinking of a friend i recently acquired and then seemingly lost. it feels like it all happened so quickly. i met someone so amazing yet so far away. as usual. this boy was genuine. this boy was a lot like me. for some reason, i felt extremely attached to this boy. he had a whatever attitude about things. trying to not take shit too seriously. yet, he had the capacity to care a lot about certain things. he believed in living life and not wasting it. he was cocky but bashful at the same time. in my eyes, thats almost perfection. not to mention he liked great fucking music. i just wish things were different than the way that they are. it seems like i always get attached to people i cant actually be close to due to circumstances that are beyond my control. but this boy, i will try my hardest to never forget. he made an impact worthy of rememberance.
michael daniel rodriguez, what do i even say? you came into my life so unexpectadly. but thats not necessarily a bad thing. because you also stole my heart and youre determined to keep it no matter what. however, youre another one of those people who is being kept from me by those uncontrollable circumstances. youre the first person that im determined to be different for. im so glad i met you now and not a few years ago. im so glad i learned a few lessons before you came into my life because now im gonna do things better than you thought i would. im not most girls and i take pride in that. for once, im in a relationship that i dont feel the urge to control every detail of. for once, im in a relationship where im not demanding every ounce of attention that you have. this time im going to do it right. im going to try to not fuck up big time and hopefully youll do the same. little screw ups are bound to happen but its how we deal with those tiny things that makes all the difference. this is for real and im not going to lose this.
on that note, ive run out of motivation to speak of any other matters. so eventually, sometime in the near or far future, i will be back.

symphony of sympathy

2011-07-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

a villanelle i wrote. it isnt an expert villanelle or anything because i didnt use iambic pentameter. personally, i think meter is fucking stupid. however, i used the line arrangement, 10 syllables per line, and the rhyme scheme. therefore, suck it expert poets, its a fucking villanelle ^_^ also, i kinda stole a few lyrics from bring me the horizon. despite this, i never planned on actually publishing it and i usually write poems just for myself so ithink its okay. besides, i usually like taking song lyrics and incorporating them into my writing. in a way, it depicts where i got my inspiration from for that particular piece.
with all that said, i now present my not so amazing villanelle:

Symphony of Sympathy
Ashley Messier

Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
The war that wages within will soon end.
You want to give up but please persevere.

These silent eyes can do nothing but tear.
Black streams flow and with your pale cheeks, they blend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

I taste the failure on your lips and fear
Strikes my heart as i watch your life descend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

Razors and colored pills lay scattered near.
A lost, troubled soul, for you, I would mend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.

Remember when life was simple and clear.
Let us travel back in time and pretend.
You want to give up but please persevere.

The sadness will not cease; your pain sincere.
Light from your eyes fades; you start to ascend.
Close your eyes and breathe in deeply my dear.
You want to give up but please persevere.

sooo, yeah. im pretty sure its obvious what the topic is. whatever.
i originally wrote it for my ap english class as extra credit. my teacher gave me the full points and all she wrote was "very poingant and very visual" like thanks. i was actually really proud of this poem. its the first poem ive written using an actual format. well, thats a lie. i wrote a haiku once called The Death of a Season but i cant find it for the life of me. anyways, my teacher telling me that my poem is very visual and emotional doesnt tell me if it is good or not. but i guess i dont care. im pretty sure i made a few punctuation errors and there are places where the words dont flow very smoothly. but then again, i guess i kinda like that. nothing about suicide is perfect or smooth. nothing about emotion is perfect or smooth either. so i guess in a way it helps reflect my topic.
enough rambling. this is my favorite poem i have written so far.

up, up, and away

2011-07-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

well, i did indeed end up losing my job at pizza hut. it plagued me for quite a while. im not sure im quite over it yet. however, i already have a new job at the Hampton Inn. it pays better and its out of the food industry and im not sure i will be dealing with customers face to face as much which im happy about. its a new start. pizza hut wasnt quite working out anymore. maybe im just doing sour grapes rationalization right now. or is it sweet lemons? i think i was right the first time. who fucking cares. point is, i have a new job and i can stop worrying as much about money and stuffffff.
too bad my happiness is being obstructed by other worries and bullshit. the person who i used to call my best friend, the closest person i had to me, no longer wants anything to do with me. ill admit that i was taking advantage of the relationship. i was getting bored with it. i was kinda acting bitchy and neglecting him. but now that he is gone i dont know what to do. im trying to fix it but he is ignoring me. i guess its what i deserve. i got sick of him and i wanted him to go away. well, i got what i wanted. but its just cliche me. i get bored so easily then i move on to something better. but once i lose the original thing im left wishing i could have it back. i guess i didnt stop to think about all the things i had been through with this person. all the really long phone calls. all the rants about nothing just so we could vent to each other. sure, we argued A LOT. but he was always there for me. he was my best friend...
my relationships with people these days are nothing like i want them to be. theyre all changing for the worse and i feel like most of it is my fault. i fuck up a lot. it seems like i never learn. i dont know what to do.
im not even sure what else to talk about. i already blabbed about the two major things that happened recently. for some reason ive been really depressed and moody lately. but there doesnt seem to be a specific cause and its frustrating cuz here i am trying to vent so i can feel better but i have absolutely nothing to vent about besides the fact that im an idiot and i ruin almost every relationship i have.
im sick of feeling alone.
im sick of feeling alone and knowing its my fault.
im sick of everything right this very moment.

pizza hut

2011-06-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

so, im most likely going to lose my job at pizza hut over something that wasnt even my fault. pretty much some dumb ass bitch called corporate and complained and in her complaint she lied out her ass and i got lucky enough to be the one that she blamed for everything. fuck my life. i honestly loved my job. i had so much fun. it could be unfair at times but life is unfair. its work. but i met the coolest people ever and i had so much fun. i dont want to lose my job...

these are all the people im going to miss:

Getty: had a weird sense of humor but we always joked around. i called him spaghettie and spaget. he called me assley and ashhole.
Tailor: kind of a major slut but i loved her anyways. we definitely had our little fights over nothing but i grew pretty close to her. she was fun and obnoxious and she showed me her boyfriends dick even when i didnt want to see it xD we were the sexiest bitches that worked there and everyone would agree =]
Celeste: even though i hardly got to work with her she fit in perfectly with me and tailor and i know we would have been the charlies angels of that place.
Rob: aka roberto =] the ladies man. the biggest flirt ever. loved to wink at me and hit on me even though we were both taken haha =] he is the sweetest guy and he always made me smile. i enjoyed a lot of light hearted fun with this boy.
Anthony: aka antonio =] portugese and rather attractive. he tought me how to say a few naughty things ;) he is extremely funny in a cute way and at one point in time he was one of my closest friends. wont even lie i was kinda crushin on him once and he was kinda crushin on me but it was just lust haha =] he promised to teach me how to long board but i dont think it will ever actually happen. we had a lot of insider jokes =] in a way, id say he was kinda like my big brother <3
Nate: kind of a mega creep xD but he was the first person i was ever friends with at pizza hut. so, he did drugs in the bathroom and hardcore hit on me and tailor. oh well =] he was a ladies man like rob but in the exact opposite way. i would never get with him! despite all of that, he totally had his moments where he was there for me and he made me laugh quite a bit =] he even offered to marry me and pay for my college when i turn 18 lmao.
TJ: he got a better job at menards and i know that ill still see him outside of work quite often. still, working with him was hilarious. we fought over the stupidest shit and when we werent fighting we were laughing over something ridiculous that he had done. a lot of memories with this kid at work =] he is obnoxious
Kory: he was so nice to me even though i was really shy. i never would have talked to him if he hadnt have started the conversations. he was always so interested in my life and he thought i was a cool person =]
Lloyd: oh geez. im pretty sure he was old enough to be my grandpa. he always said such cheesy jokes and he was pretty ridiculous but thats what made him so memorable =]
Matt: i always called him Hadley. that or Spacelord =] the weirdest fucking guy i have ever met in my whole life. he told me once that both of his parents are psychologists so he technically should be the most normal person. wrong! i think he did so many drugs that he fried his brain. i dont care. i love how strange he is. work with him was always fun. he is definitely one of those people that i will miss the most.
Marcus: me and him fought like brother and sister. we would always punch each other and trip each other and make fun of each other =] he was so chill and im pretty sure he was half baked most of the time.
John: i didnt get to work with him for long but he quickly became one of my favorite drivers. he understood my sarcasm and when i was a smartass he gave it right back to me =] i loved it
Perry: once again, i havent known him for long but i have a lot to say about him. first off, damn this man is handsome. lmao however, he is a strange hippie. he was pretty funny and lately we were getting along a lot and talking more than we used to. he was always so nice and willing to help out. i thought he was pretty damn cool and it sucks that im probably not ever going to get to know him better.
Jordan: aka jorjor =] oh lord, where do i start with this kid. we werent much when i first started working at pizza hut. he was kinda just the funny fat kid who was loud and liked to be the center of attention. but then i guess he took a liking to me haha =] so we became really close. we hung out. we talked all the time. we made a lot of memories. then, we had our falling out. things never really got back to the way that they used to be but there is still hope that someday they will be that way. im so glad that i met this boy even though half of my time knowing him hasnt been very good. sure, we had our bad times. but the times i spent laughing and smiling and having a good time with him make him one of my favorite people. we arent exactly better yet. who cares. im going to miss him so damn much.
Richie: aka RT. my all time favorite driver. he was there for me when i was going through shit with jordan. he still is there for me whenever i need to talk. he is always real with me. he wont lie. he makes me feel better about myself when im down =] he is another one of those guys that beat up on me lol. he called me GG aka gangster girl or goth girl depending on the day. he taught me how to punch. he is the loudest person in the world. oh my god, i dont know what im going to do without him. i always looked forward to working with him =]
Nash: im tearing up just thinking about this one. my favorite manager. the guy i closed with every friday and saturday for months. at first, he was only my favorite manager because he was funny and he wasnt strict at all so you could get away with anything around him. then, i went through a period where i kinda lost some respect for him. i saw that he didnt really care much most of the time. it felt like he was taking advantage of me when he kept me until 11pm. i dont know. i guess i just thought he was a slacker. however, i started realizing that we had a lot in common. he was always proud of me when i knew about cool bands, movies, tv shows, and all that shit. he loved that i was smart and used big words. he loved how quirky i could be at times. we made each other laugh A LOT. in the past few days, i have grown so close to this man. he is outraged by the fact that i might get fired. he told me that i was always his favorite phones girl and he told me that im a good person and im better than pizza hut. ive cried a lot talking to him and im going to miss not seeing him. we had a lot of good times and it sucks that this has to happen because i have just recently begun to realize why he sometimes acts the way that he does. oh well. its still good to know that he cares a lot about me and has a lot of respect for me. and i know he will miss me just as much as i will miss him.

ive had so many good times at pizza hut. it was honestly an easy job. we had a lot of time to mess around. i loved all the people even though there are a few i didnt mention in above. people like mike, alesia, jason, scotty, and aaron. you cant be close to everyone i guess. either way it was always like a family. i could tell anyone anything. i had a lot of accomplishments working at that place and i dont want to get fired over something that i didnt do but there isnt much i can do about it.ill miss that place more than anything. it was the best first job a person could ask for.

strangler

2011-06-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

this is random and i really dont care. it has little to no significance but anyways. so back in 2007 when me and katie went to a concert, we got this compilation cd with a whole bunch of artists on it. one of the song was by a band named strangler. it was called "busy bein' born". well today, im listening to the alternative radio station and i hear this song. i look at the tv, and i see that its by middle class rut. i was extremely confused. so, i did research. turns out, middle class rut used to go by the name strangler. im not sure why this bothered me. i guess its because ive apparently known about and enjoyed middle class rut for years now without even knowing it. also, they play middle class rut on the stupid hard rock station in my town. i hate hard rock radio stations. so i know for a fact that theyre going to be playing "busy bein' born" on this station too. it urks me because i love this song and i have for years and now all these losers who are hearing it for the first time are going to be drooling all over it thinking its something new and hot when in all reality the band wrote the damn song over three years ago. losers.
well then, i ranted about something meaningless that no one will ever read. but oh well. i feel better now that i least i said these things. that at least it can be proven that i am cooler than all the faggots who listen to the stupid hard rock radio station. sorry but hard rock is so generic and cliche and none of it is original. middle class rut can do so much better. besides, theyre more alternative anyways. stupid hard rock radio station.
im done now. kthnx.

long time coming

2011-06-10T14:40:00.000-07:00

it has been eons since i last came on here. well, that's a lie. i've been on here recently i just havent posted anything in forever. once again, it is so amazing to see how things have changed. i was just on my flashflashrevolution account reading all of my past wall posts and whatnot. i realized two things: one, i was a total retard back then and i was kinda crazy. two, i miss being like that. where did all of the fun go? i miss being loud and obnoxious and just happy in general. i lived to go to school and see my friends and shit like that. i lived to stand out and be noticed whether it was good or bad. i wanted attention and i was sociable. was i completely obnoxious? yes. however, i had passion. i was spirited. it feels like ive lost that part of me somewhere down the long and winding road.
today was the last day of my junior year in high school. it is technically my last year of high school and when i first realized that, it made me terribly sad. i cant quite figure out why i felt that way though. all i know is im back to feeling like whatever again. not much gets me excited anymore. i have my few close friends. i enjoy watching things that make me laugh (scrubs, saturday night live, etc.). but i dont know, it just feels like ive completely lost my spunk. ive grown rather cynical. im so quick to judge people and a majority of what i have to say is mean and pessimistic which makes it good i guess that i dont really say much at school or anything.
hm, now that summer is here im not sure what im looking forward to. i feel like i should be doing something but all i have is work. i havent been to a concert in months. i miss those a lot. i havent hung out with anyone besides austin in forever. and the stupid thing is that when i am hanging out with other friends, i literally feel exhausted from the amount of effort it takes me to pretend like im having a good time. whenever im in a group of people, i feel like an extra or a wallflower. no one really notices me. and being alone with people just feels awkward and boring. how do you lose your ability to socialize like that? how do you lose your odd sense of humor and your dorkiness? there has been only one person recently that i really enjoyed being alone with and who made me laugh a whole lot. jordan, 20 years old, works with me at pizza hut. did i do a lot of stupid and risky shit with him? fuck yeah. was a lot of it probably a mistake? yeah. but i enjoyed myself and i miss it so much because of course, i fucked that up like ive fucked up all of my other close relationships.
i dont know what made me come on here and post today. maybe i was feeling nostalgic. who knows. i wish i had more time but i have to go to work. i think id like to come on here more often because literally just now i realized that there is a lot on my mind that i need to get out.
things like my new goal to be less controlling and anxious. my relationship with michael daniel rodriguez from los angeles. yeah, theres a lot more but time is wearing down.
oh blog, how you have been there for me throughout the years. lets try this again.

skies so blue

2010-11-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

all i can think about right now is you saying that in your heart, you are already married to me. truth is, in my heart, im already married to you too. ive been married to you since the day we crossed collective hearts. you mean more to me than you could ever know and more than i could ever say in words, pictures, or gestures. i know ive told you that so many times before. i also know that a majority of the things i say ive said a million times before. you already know how i feel. but i just cant help but feel that they are worth saying over and over again. i could never get sick of telling you how much i love you.

you are my everything. my whole world. my clarity when the world around me is in a haze. you have gotten me through so many hard times and i cant thank you enough for that. i admire you so much. practically every aspect of you is pure beauty to me. even your flaws.

you have my heart. from now until the end of time, i am yours.

i couldnt be more happy that i found y0u and that we found love together. i couldnt be more happy that you are mine and i am yours. i could never ask for more. you love me like no other man could.

you are my soul mate

i love you

the all-american rejects "fallin' apart"

2010-10-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

Can somebody save me?
Cus I’m thinking maybe
That you can take me piece by piece
And you got your reasons
But I didn’t need them
And either way I’m on my knees
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawlin
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

You say that you’re leaving
Say that you don’t need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can’t make it through it
But I’m gonna try this anyway

You knew when I was wrong
You knew that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far
Wherever you

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah looks like were falling apart

Well in your garden where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When that bodies close to me
I can give you anything you’d ever need

When I fall to the floor
Cus I can’t feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don’t have to steal anymore
When I look to the stars
Wherever you are

Yeah wherever you are
Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breakin my heart
Wherever you go im crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

Wherever you go I’m crawling
Down on my knees forever
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah I guess we’re falling apart
Looks like were fallin apart
Yeah I guess we're fallin apart

i'm the type of person to take it personal

2010-10-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

thanks to breathe carolina for the title.
i am at a complete loss as to what i am supposed to do right now. you chose to come back to me. you said that you missed me and you wanted to be with me. yet, things have only been worse since you got back. you said that you were willing to change and to work at things. you've done to complete opposite. you won't even give me the time of day to have a decent conversation with you. i have no idea what is going on in your life right now even though i've tried to ask you. you've made no attempt to find out what is going on in my life.
once again, i had to beg you to give a shit about me the other night. once again, you couldn't respect me when something you wanted was making me uncomfortable. once again, you're ignoring my texts and my calls for no reason at all. you're just choosing to not respond. its pathetic. i tell you that i don't understand why you came back because the way that you treat me is terrible. i say that i deserve better. you say you know. i say that you better start treating me like i actually matter. you say okay. you don't want me to doubt you. but when we've had this conversation a million times, when i have to beg you to treat me decently, then how am i supposed to believe that you mean what you say?
i swear, sometimes it feels like you're trying to make me leave you. i'm beginning to wonder if that is your plan. you're doing all of these things to hurt me just so you can push me away. it may seem ridiculous, but hell, with the way that you have been acting, it's hard to believe that you want to be with me at all. it is impossible to believe that you care about me in any way shape or form.
you said that you came back because you love me. so why don't you fucking act like it? if this is how you show love then you're the worst person on the planet. i've done so much for you. i've changed. i've given you so much. yet, you can't even talk to me much less be there when i need you.
i don't know how many more chances i should give you. i told you last night i was giving up and all you said was don't. so you won't let me give up and you won't give me any reason to stay.
how many more chances should i give you? i want to be with you more than anything. i love you like hell. i care about you. i want to be there for you. i want to be a part of your life. but i can't keep letting you treat me like this. no matter how many times you say you love me. actions speak louder than words.
so either show me that you love me and you care, start backing up all the shit that you say, and treat me like i deserve to be treated, or will leave and i will be gone forever. i don't deserve this. i didn't do anything wrong. i gave you everything and you give me nothing in return.
love it or leave it.

gonna get better

2010-10-22T18:40:00.001-07:00

i dont know what im supposed to do when im home alone, no one will text me back, im bawling my eyes out, and i need you so badly....
i know you said you wanted to take a break. and i know i said i would understand. i tried. but the truth is we are two different people in that sense. i dont understand. i dont get how you can go days, weeks without talking to me. i dont get how you say you need me then you want to not talk to me. god, its been really really hard. i know you said you wanted a break so you could have time to think. but when im like this, i have no one else, and youre the only one who would really understand me when im upset like this, i dont know what to do....
i know its a break, but its so hard not knowing what youre thinking and feeling. i get so scared, i get so paranoid. i let me fears get to my head. i dont think you understand how much a simple text from you saying "i love you" or "i miss you" would help. it would make everything better for me. im trying to do this for you. you know how hard this is for me. so i wish you would do something for me. i dont know....
i just really really really wish i could hear you say that you still love me and that you still want to be with me and that you miss me and all of those other things. i want to hear them. when im so eager to get back with you and im feeling so passionate about our relationship, i need to know that you are feeling the same. i need to know how you are feeling in general...
its so hard in times like this when i need you so badly and i dont have you....you really are the only person who could comfort me in a situation like this. just hearing you say that you wish you could be cuddling with me or that you love me, just hearing you call me baby and saying all the things you do to me, it would make this all better. it really would.
i hope you come back soon....
im not sure how much more of this i can take...
its tearing me apart....
i need you so badly...
i so badly want to prove to you that we can be happy...
i so badly want to tell you about all of the things ive been going through lately...
i want to tell you all of my promises
that i promise i will never again doubt you when you say that you love me or care about me or need me
i promise i will never again try to leave this earth before it is my time
i will never again intentionally hurt myself in any way
i will never again EVER blame it on you
i promise that i will do my best to trust you
i promise i will work through the things that happened in my past
i promise i will work through my insecurities
its not fair that you showed me all of this love and i doubted you. its not fair to you that i wouldnt trust you. despite the things that you did to justify my lack of trust, i know you are sorry for what you did. its not fair to you that i would not accept your apologies.
i promise i will never again say it is too late for you to apologize
i will never again doubt you when you say that you are sorry
and i promise, i am so sorry for this, i will never again solely depend on you for help. i will never again get mad at you or make you feel bad when you cant help me or when you dont know what to do.
and i promise i will never again blame everything on you.
im going to get help. im ready to change. i know you fell in love with who i am and the only thing getting in the way with that is my problems. well, ive already made so much progress. ive already realized all that i have done wrong. im already trying to change things.
i would do anything to keep from losing you like this. our time isnt over. this is our perfect opportunity to really be happy. this is the perfect time for us to really love each other with nothing but the distance holding us back. and i refuse to let distance be the only thing that keeps us from dating. because with my issues and your issues aside and us being happy together without the arguing, the distance wont be a problem. i refuse to let you go before weve given our relationship the chance it deserves.
i need you now more than ever to be there with me as i take this huge step in my life. im ready to let go of the past. im ready to shed the shell that i have depended on for so long. im going to get rid of my armor and my wall that ive been building up. im going to stop fighting your love. im going to accept it and im going to give you all of the love, the caring, the support, the consideration, and the trust you deserve. i just need to know that you feel the same. one little "i love you" would go so far...
i hope you come back soon...

life is a perception of your own reality

2010-10-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

i couldnt think of any title that really suited what i wanted to say here so i just picked something that sounded cool. it may or may not work. i really dont care.
so me and josh, or joshy as i call him, have finally gotten a chance to get to know each other outside of our problems. i enjoy him now. hes into pretty decent music. pretty open to what other people like as far as music goes. he is pretty fun to talk to when he isnt upset. he has the same cute and quirky personality traits that i have. it makes me smile. we have a lot in common. its been nice having someone who can understand the way that i feel. but i need to get some friends that are girls. guys just seem easier to talk to. however, i am not one of the guys. i am a girl. i need girly friends. hell, im going to an all girls college. i neeeeed female friends.
the rest of october is rather eventful for me. this friday, monday, and tuesday we will be dissecting lil pig fetuses. not excited. i have that class right after lunch. i might throw up. or cry. or both. next tuesday i start counseling. im scared. so so so scared. next wednesday is the say anything concert. i so badly wish i could have you to share that experience with me. next thursday and friday we have off of school which im greatly happy about. next saturday is a hockey game. then, its halloween. im not sure im really that excited about any of these things. i just cant get over the fact that i would enjoy these things a lot more if you were here.
i have a lovely second degree burn on the back of my hand and it is annoying me so much. its going to leave the worst scar. it looks terrible.
silly ashley fact number one: when i go out to eat, i eat just enough so there isnt enough food to take home for leftovers. i hate taking home food from restaurants.
silly ashley fact number two: i occasionally snort when i laugh. especially when i am laying down.
i have the beginning episodes of the second season of true blood sitting on top of my tv. i wish i could find time to watch them. i dont feel like i have much time for anything these days.
i fall asleep with frankie in my arms every night lately. ive gotten over the fact that his horn occasionally pokes me in the eye. he is a really good cuddle buddy =] and i still listen to your mix cd quite often. ive finally gotten to the point where im not as sad when i think about you. im more on the happy side. p.s. the rocket summer is amazing. i found out that bryce avary has been married for five years to his long time high school girlfriend. i was both bummed and enlightened at the same time. all of his songs relate to real life issues. these are things that he has been through. he made it through all of the rough times and fights and break ups with his sweetie, tara. now, they are happily married and the cutest couple in the universe. damn that bitch for being so pretty and perfect. i totally bought a the rocket summer tshirt from her at warped tour. anywho, it gave me hope in a way. clearly, we arent the only people who experience these things. i wish you could hear every song and get out of them what i do. they really do speak to the way that we feel and a lot of the things that we go through.
im forgetting everything that i wanted to talk about again.
teenhelp.org is set up the exact same way that the flashflashrevolution forum stuff is set up. it annoys me to no end. sometimes, i forget what website i am on. i dont like those sort of things.
i cant help but be impatient for us getting back together. im not going to rush you. i just cant wait to be happy with you again. honestly, i think you will be pleasantly surprised. im already feeling better about things. im already realizing where ive gone wrong and where i need to make improvements. im open to the new life that is ahead of me. im finally ready to live without my insecurities and problems holding me back. im not going to change right away though. im still going to slip up right away. im not sure if i can fully explain how this feels. the fact that im ready to move on and finally start living and being happy, it feels good. i think youll be happy. i hope you will be. i hope you will move on from the past like im trying to do. i hope you will try to make improvements like i am doing. i really do think we have good things in our future. i cant wait to start again with you.
i miss you. i need you. i love you.

the rocket summer "goodbye waves and driveways"

2010-10-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

And don’t walk away...

brand new

2010-10-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

i love how i had everything planned out that i wanted to say but now that i actually get on here i have no clue where to start...
so i finally opened up to my mom last night. it wasnt pretty. i finally got her to accept the fact that yes im bipolar and yes i need to see someone for it. i finally got her to be somewhat supportive and understanding of me. she finally set up a counseling appointment for me. im scared shitless. i was so open to it last night but now that its actually going to happen im scared and i wish you were here to be my support...its hard going through all of these things and not having you here. but i guess thats my own fault. every keeps telling me not to blame myself but i cant help it.
last friday i joined this website called teenhelp.org. to write love on her arms recommended it. its okay i guess. you can talk to other teens and get advice from the staff. i met this boy named josh who lives in massachusetts. he also has a long distance girlfriend so we could relate a lot. however, he only likes to talk about his problems and he never gives me time to talk about mine. i want someone who i can talk with. i dont want to add even more stress and worry to my life. so i guess that kind of sucks mega dick.
but one of the staff on there had a lot of helpful things to say when i talked to her about you. she helped me realize where i was going wrong. but she also told me that not all of it is my fault. i guess i already knew that. im going to try my hardest once this break is over but i need you to do that too. thats something that i cant stop worrying about. im so afraid that once we get back together im going to give it my all but you arent. im not trying to say that you wont try. im just worried that youll be too mad at me to try or that you wont love me anymore when you come back. i just wish i could stop worrying. but i cant. the truth is, im obnoxiously insecure. i need a lot of reassurance. one thing that ive realized, is that ive fucked up a whole lot by doubting you when you say that you care about me and that you need me. i dont know, in my opinion, you show youre caring in different ways that i do. besides, actions really do speak louder than words and i know that if we were together in person then you would have no problem showing how much you care about me. if we were in person, my insecurities would be easier to deal with. but i dont want you to give up on this long distance thing. i realize that a lot of my insecurities and mood problems have been the cause of numerous arguments. but another one of our problems is that we dont know how to talk things over. so im promising you, im going to work on things. ive already been working on things. im going to get help for it. in return, i want you to promise that we will work on our communication. it hurts me that you wouldnt tell me when something was bothering you. thats where you messed up. it hurts me that we are so bad at talking things over. not every argument needs to blow up like that. thats where we have both messed up. i really want you to promise that you will understand what i am going through. i need your understanding. because i cant change on my own. sometimes, im going to need you there to calmly and patiently tell me when you feel like ive messed up. and when i feel like youve messed up, i want to be able to tell you how im feeling without you getting angry. a majority of the time, its just bad communication so we just need to calmly talk things over.
im going to try to change. i promise you that. im already feeling better about this. so i just need you to promise that you will try with me. promise me that you wont give up. promise me that you wont let arguments ruin everything. every couple argues. everyone has told me that. every couple has disagreements. and with long distance it is more common. all we need to do, is work through it. we need to calmly talk about things. so please, please, please, dont give up every time we have an argument. i want to be with you. i need you in my life. you are the only one i love. and youve told me that you feel the same way. so lets make this time better. lets really try this time. im not trying to judge you, but i just feel like youre letting all of this stress get in the way of things. i do that too. i understand that we need our space. its healthy. yet at the same time, i want you to make time for me. dont neglect me. we still have things to talk about as far as you telling me when youre busy and prom. we need to take time to really talk about those things over the phone. im going to try harder to hear you when youre telling me how you feel. im going to try harder to not let my emotions get the best of me. but only if you promise to do the same.
ive made the decision to find a way to get advice about things. long distance relationships are hard. with all of the stress in our lives i think we both need advice every once in a while to understand how we should handle things. we cant do couples counseling when we live hours away. so please, all im asking of you is to try as hard as i am.
i want your support more than anything. i hope you realize how much courage this took for me to make this step. i guess in a way, you leaving for a break was just the push i needed. i needed something to make me realize that i was off the tracks and i was letting my problems ruin my life. but when you come back, i need your support. i realize that this hurts you too. im not sure if this staff member was right, but when im hurting and going through stress and im confused, youre just as hurt and afraid as i am. it was ridiculous of me to rely on you to help me with all of my problems. i still want to be able to talk about things with you but you wont always know what to say. however, the more you understand about what im going through, the easier it will be for you to deal with. i guess its similar to living with an addict. their problem becomes everyones problem. im not putting my problems on you, im just saying that if youre going to be in a relationship with me then youre going to end up dealing with it in some way. its inevitable.
i just need you to promise me that youre going to try. i need to know for sure that you want this. i hate seeing you annoyed and angry at me. it hurts. so i understand that i need to give you space no matter how hard it may be for me. i want all of your bad feelings to be gone by the time you come back.
when i think about you, i only think about good times. and i know because youve told me that you are stuck on the bad things. you are stuck on all the arguments and fights and stuff. weve both made mistakes. but ive forgiven you for yours. so please, im begging you, forgive me for my mistakes and know that i am going to get help so those mistakes dont happen in the future. everyone makes mistakes though, and when you love somebody you need to forgive them and let the bad things go. as my english teacher said, sometimes when you love someone so much and you want to be with them, you overlook the bad. its what you need to do. i love you for who you are. flaws and all.
i need you in my life. so pretty please, promise me that you will try....

next wednesday is the say anything concert. i dont even want to go anymore. i wanted to share this experience with you so badly but i doubt that that is going to happen....without you, i dont even want the experience. its only going to be a bad one if im not talking to you. but its my fault i guess.....

i miss you so much. going through all of this without you has been hell. you never realize what you have until it is gone. i never realized how much i needed you until you were gone. but im going to fix my problems. and once i do, the girl that you fell in love with will shine through. it will be like old times when we never argued. it will be like all of the times when we are happy. i want to be happy with you. you and i both know what it is like when we are happy and we arent worrying about anything. i dont know about you, but those days when we are laughing and talking and nothing is wrong, those days are perfect. those days are what i crave. i want that for our future.
i just wish i knew what you were thinking right now. thats the other thing that makes this so hard. im not sure what you are thinking or feeling....
i just need you here. i miss you.

hangman

2010-09-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

my lack of motivation is killing me these days. there are a million things that i long to do but i don't have the strength or effort to make these things happen. school feels like shit every day. it's not something that i care about at all anymore. it's just something that i have to do. i don't even care about getting good grades. i only care about not getting bad ones so i can avoid getting my ass handed to me by my mother. i finally got my license a few weeks ago but i don't even care about that. driving by yourself is lonely. i still don't have a car. i'm a terrible driver. i just don't feel like it's changed my life at all in any significant way.
it feels like nothing is a challenge to me anymore. when something is a challenge, i just do a half ass job of getting through it. instead of actually trying in school, i've just found a way to bullshit through and still make the same good grades as before. the thing that bothers me the most is that i know that i won't get anything out of life if i keep doing this. i want to care about things. i want to care about my life more. i just feel like i've prepared myself for the future so that now it's the only thing i want and i don't care about anything else besides what i've dreamed of for my future to be.
i think that if you were here everything would be different. i wouldn't worry so much. i would be more happy. i would be more active and motivated. i would care a whole lot more about everything. don't get me wrong, i've always cared about you. i never stopped caring about you. but it seems like you're all that i care about these days.
i have so many thoughts running through my head during the day but it seems like once i get on here and i actually start typing, i lose everything. i can't collect myself. i can't get composed. some days, i just feel like a complete fucking mess. i get sudden urges to cry and i can't hold back tears but at the same time, i can't find a reason for why i'm crying. i get waves of emotion, both good and bad, and i can't control them. i get sad, i get hyper, i get lethargic, i get angry. i think it's because of all the secrets i keep. i bottle it all up inside. i keep my thoughts to myself. i don't feel like i can share anything without being judged. why do people have to be so judgmental these days? i'm literally afraid to be myself because i'm afraid nobody will like. i never pretend to be someone i'm not. i just hold back everything that i am.
i am rarely able to describe what i'm thinking or feeling. if someone were to ask me who i am as a person, i would have no idea how to answer. i don't view myself as much. i only view myself how i think other people see me. i think that i'm weird, i'm a freak, i'm emo, i'm crazy. those are the things i hear the most. people don't realize that when you say something mean to someone, even as a joke, that is what they will remember forever. people rarely remember compliments or praise. it's the negative that sticks with someone for life. that is especially true with me. my level of self-worth is like negative. i don't think anyone likes me. i think that every compliment i get is a lie. i'm constantly afraid that the people i love are going to get sick of me and leave. i am so fucking afraid of messing up that i don't even let myself live.
i'm finally starting to deeply consider therapy. i know i need it. i know it's unhealthy what i am doing. but i keep coming up with excuses to not go and to not tell my mom. i know that if you were here you would give me the support i need. you would make this so much easier for me. you would help me tell my mom. you would give me a shoulder to cry on when i need it. you would be proud of me for doing this for myself and for my future.
i still sometimes think that this is all a dream. it's so easy to lose you. i'm afraid that one morning i'm going to wake up and this will all have been my imagination. i'm scared that everything we dreamed for the future won't come true. what if we never get the chance to do all the things we planned? i'm so afraid you're going to change your mind and i'm going to be left all alone. i don't know what i would do then. we've already created the rest of our lives together in our dreams. how does a person recreate and rebuild their future? i don't think i could do that. i just want solid proof that this is possible. i want to know that we can make this happen. i'm afraid that i'm going to crack and fall apart before we get a chance to make our dreams reality. i'm scared that i'm not strong enough.
i need you here with me...

the truth about heaven

2010-09-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

first things first, i love you so much alex for telling me to listen to what to do when you're dead by armor for sleep. definitely one of the best albums i've ever heard in my life. i don't think i've ever related to something in such a way before. thank you thank you thank you.
i've been thinking a lot lately. it's nothing major. it's nothing concrete. i think i've made a few break throughs and realizations. things about forgiving people and about letting things go and loving people for their flaws. even though i've learned that all of these things are important and i need to implement them into my life, actually making these improvements is a hard thing to do. letting go of old ways is no easy task. breaking down every ounce of self preservation you've created over the years due to countless shitty experiences is near impossible. but it's what i have to do if i want anything in my life to get better. i need to stop letting the things that he did hold me back. i need to live for me. i need to be better for the people that i love. i can't keep letting things that happened in the past ruin my future. i can't keep repeating the same mistakes.
maybe you see now that i'm willing to change. maybe you somewhat see that i've been trying really hard. maybe you understand that it does take time. it's not easy. especially with all the stress. maybe you realize that i'm going to be patient with you as you try to change also. we aren't just changing for the sake of our relationship. i don't want you to think that you're just changing because i want you to. i want you to see that changes will help you in life also. instead of fighting each other when times get hard, we need to help each other. i've never been good at letting things go. i've always let the little things hurt me to no end. but i see now that i need to change that. however, i need you to realize that i can't do it without you. you know im sensitive and it helps nothing when you're so stubborn and hard headed about things. and i know that sometimes you slip up. you're not perfect. you're not always going to do the things i want you to do. i'm going to be patient. i'm going to be accepting of your mistakes. as long as things don't get out of hand, i'm not going to stress every mistake you make. only if you're willing to do the same for me.
we both have a lot of stress in our lives right now and it's having a huge effect on our relationship. i know that sometimes it's hard to want to keep going when things seem like they're never going to get better. i firmly believe that as long as we know what the problem is and we're willing to fix it, then we can make it through anything. i love you more than anything in my life right now. you are what i look forward to every day. you are what puts a smile on my face when i'm down. you're the one i would do anything for. anything. so i refuse to let you go. i refuse to let over exaggerated arguments tear us apart. you mean too much to me to let that ever happen.
this is for you
and this is for me
this is for the both of us
for eternity

what to do when you are dead

2010-09-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

it completely blows when you think youre doing everything in your ability to make things better but its not working. it just tears my heart out. all this time, ive been thinking that ive been making improvements. but you cant see that. it hurts like hell. but i guess it goes both ways. now i get how youve been feeling. but that doesnt mean that we cant fix things. it doesnt mean that things arent going to get better. this sort of stuff just takes a while. it feels like youve lost all of your patience. its like weve switched roles. but i dont know. i dont know what to say. the point is, theres no way in hell im letting you go. not after all the promises. not after everything you and i have said. hell no.

love it or left it

2010-09-05T07:27:00.000-07:00

i can't even express how much i dislike you right now. you are one of the most selfish people in the world. you are terrible at helping me when i need you. you never succeed in actually being there for me. you get mad at me whenever i don't want to talk about something. why can't you just respect when i'm not ready to talk about something. you have no reason to get mad about that. that's just being selfish. when i'm upset, it's not about you. it's about me. you are a complete jackass for yelling at me when i'm upset just because i don't do the things you want me to do. you're a jerk for yelling at me when i don't want to talk about something that's bothering me. you're an idiot for getting pissed when the things you say to "comfort" me don't succeed in helping me feel better. seriously, who gets mad at a person when their advice doesn't work? have i ever done that to you? have i ever yelled at you when you don't want to talk about something? i have countless examples of when you've been upset and you won't talk about what happens. have i ever gotten pissed when i'm trying to help you and you won't take my advice or when what i say doesn't help? no, i have NEVER done that. i have remained patient and i kept suggesting things and i have wished you the best even when you wouldn't listen.
this relationship is completely unfair. last night, when you were upset that you're parents constantly think their right, i asked what situation led you to say that. i asked what conversation you and your parents were having. you wouldn't tell me. you just gave me general answers. so what right do you have to get mad at me when i'm upset about something and after you saying two fucking things it doesn't help me. i didn't do anything wrong. it is not my fault that your advice didn't help make me feel better in that exact moment. it's also not my fault that you hurt me when you got pissed at me. i was completely justified in calling you a jerk, a jackass, and a dick. that is what you are when you get pissed at someone when they're upset. you are so selfish. when you try to help me, you're only thinking of yourself. you getting pissed is just fucking selfish. you calling me a bitch when i get mad at you because you clearly did something to hurt me, is one hundred percent selfish.
if you think that i owe you any form of apology for what happened last night, then you're more of a prick that i thought. i don't owe you any apology. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't do anything to cause you to get annoyed or angry at me. i was right when i called you a jerk because that's the way you were acting. i was justified in being hurt by you and being angered by what you said. you were completely fucking wrong and out of line. this is your fault and i am not going to be the one who offers that we fix it. that's your fucking job. if you don't fix it and if you don't say you're sorry for every fucking thing you did, then this is over. i am not going to put up with someone treating me like shit when i'm upset. i deserve better than that. you were wrong and i have numerous people who have seen the texts and who agree with me that you're a jackass. so if you want to sit there and make this look like it's all my fault, then you're a fucking idiot.
i hate you.

ants in my pants

2010-08-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

well, i kind of forgot about this for a while until a sweet boy reminded me about it. i'm not quite sure what to say. i just feel as though i should say something.
school starts on wednesday. i'm having mixed feelings. my classes this year aren't going to be mega hard or anything. yet, at the same time, i really just don't want summer to end. i am excited for fall. i'm just not ready for my freedom to be taken away.
i don't think i have ever been more passionate about something before in my life. i also don't think i've ever argued with anyone so much before in my life. we've had too many ups and downs to count, but the fact that we have pulled through everything and managed to stay together must mean something. i'm sure that in a week or so these weird feelings for me will go away and we will be back to normal. i mean, you can't expect it to be normal immediately, right? i really want to change for you. i know i have a hard time controlling my emotions. i can be very hurtful, unpredictable, annoying, and so on. i really want to be better. i want to improve. i want to do it for you. i can't fix everything. i can't change who i am. but i'm willing to try to get better. i hope you can help me.
i want to fly to texas so badly. i wish i could visit you. it's hard having your best friend living miles away. maybe i could start saving up money for a plane ticket since i have a job now. maybe i could convince my mom to let me do it by myself. to be honest, she would just be a buzz kill if she came along. i just want to be able to do things with you. driving around listening to say anything and shit. watching dragon ball z. playing board games so i can kick your ass at monopoly in person. going on space adventures. watching '80s movies for me. playing video games for you. i know i can't have everything that i want. however, this i am determined to have. i want it more than anything.
there was a lot more that i wanted to say but my mind is just so blank. i went to green bay last weekend with austin. we hung out with his friend josh who hangs out with a bunch of wannabe kids. i also met his friend kaylyn. she was alright but way to self conscious. and i thought i was bad. all in all, i'm so fucking glad i don't live in green bay. it is a city full of whores and wangster "i think i'm cool but i'm not" guys.
in october, say anything, motion city soundtrack, saves the day, and valencia will be in milwaukee. i am definitely going. i wouldn't miss that for anything. except maybe a plane ticket to texas. it should be lots of fun.
i guess that's it for now. maybe school will give me something more to write about.

losing it

2010-08-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

i dont want to live this life anymore
this life is shit
this world is the exact opposite of everything i want
all the beauty is masked by these terrible things
these people are all fucked up
all idiots

can you and i just run away?
i know we arent what we used to be
but youre the only one i can possibly imagine
enjoying the rest of my life with
in seclusion
youre the only one
who understands
exactly how im feeling
youre the only one
who possibly agrees
sure youve made your fair share of mistakes
things that i despise
but i can learn to look past that
just get me the hell out of here
take me somewhere
far far away
take me away
anywhere but here

the kids are all fucked up

2010-08-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

what is it with people these days and their lack of morals? seriously, where has it all gone? whatever happened to abstinence and straight edge? do people have no respect for themselves these days? drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, sex. honestly, what is wrong with teenagers these days? is it really that hard to wait to have sex? are drugs and shit really necessary to be cool? do you really have to put out with your boyfriend in order to fit in these days? do you really have to shop at certain stores, like certain music, act a certain way, and do stupid shit in order to be popular? do you really have to become a complete fucking senseless idiot in order to be accepted? yeah, sure seems like it these days.
losing respect for your friends is not exactly a fun thing. hearing rumors about your friends is not exciting.
of all the high school cliches, do you really have to try and fit all of them? because it sure seems like thats what youre going for. it sure seems like youve lost every ounce of sensibility you once had.
considering the fact that a majority of people these days act that way,
a majority of high schoolers do that shit,
im glad i havent made any of those mistakes.
im glad i havent done any of that stupid shit.
im glad that i make my own choices and i make them intelligently.
im glad that i dont fit in.
the end.

i'm lost without you

2010-08-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

so, i finally started downloading music the illegal way aka file sharing. no, i am not proud of it. yes, i feel bad for stealing music from my favorite artists. however, the reason why i did it makes me happy.
truth be told, i am lost without you. the blink 182 song says it perfectly. i've been having a lot of conflicting emotions lately. i know that you are trying to make up for all the things you have done wrong, but in the process you just are not being yourself and it makes me sad. it makes me feel like i don't know who you are anymore and it makes me feel like it's my fault.
i'm not sure what else to say right now or how to say it =/

p.s.

2010-08-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

i think i finally fixed my comments thing so it actually says "comments" instead of "mutherfuckers talkin shit". i am glad that i no longer look like an idiot because of that. sadly, i feel too low to celebrate.

2010-08-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

"sometimes quicksand has a massive appeal to me."
motion city soundtrack.
a lifeless ordinary (need a little help).

fuck this shit

2010-08-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

logging onto your facebook page was a stupid idea. i love that you still have pictures of you with your ex girlfriends and a drawing that you made of one of them. thats just wonderful.
im supposed to be getting your package in the mail today but i dont even want it anymore. you have girls on facebook asking you for weed, girls calling you hun and sweetie and shit. this is just stupid.
maybe it wasnt necessarily my place to look at those things but some of them just popped up. sorry my curiosity got the best of me. but now that i see how things really are, i dont want to be a part of this anymore.
fuck this shit.
im done.

warped

2010-07-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

oh, i completely forgot to mention warped tour which was yesterday. we took a mini van and a car because we had twelve people. i used to think jordan was a bad driver until i saw how terrible dylan peyer is. so glad i wasnt driving with him. the road trip was super fun though. it was nic e not to have any adults around for once. plust, tj always makes me giggle.
the weather this year was soooo much better. i got some nasty sunburn but so did everyone else. i saw suicide silence, bring me the horizon, the word alive, parkway drive, emmure, artist vs poet, the rocket summer, mayday parade, sum 41, we the kings, alkaline trio, pennywise, four year strong, attack attack, alesana, and glimpses of a few others. suicide silence is a million times better live than on their cds. the rocket summer was the best thing ever since this time i knew every one of the songs. bryce avery is just super talented and he puts on a great show. we saw austins cute friends from greenbay at the attack attack show which was funny because we met them at the attack attack show last year too. jordan snyder has undeniably perfect hair ^_^ haha.
i only bought one thing while we were there which was a the rocket summer tank top. its super cute so i love it. i had twenty dollars left and i really wanted to buy something else but i was being ridiculously picky for no reason. instead of searching for another shirt i should have bought a poster or a cd. i also got a lil bring me the horizon poster so i guess its okay.
even though i was completely dead afterwards and fell asleep on the car ride home, going to dennys once we got back into town was one of the best parts of the night. six dollars for a grand slam is the best deal ever. thank you dennys for being my only meal of the day at 11 pm.
the line up this year was nowhere near as awesome as last year but it was nice not having to constantly leave shows early so we could catch other ones. i actually got to see most of the full sets with exception to a few. im super excited for next year. i just need to bring more money.

well...

2010-07-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

i can honestly say i never thought we would last this long. especially after what just happened. changing things is going to take a long time i guess. its also going to take a long time before things get better i suppose. i lose my faith and my temper from time to time and you know i have every reason and right to. sigh...i just honestly am not sure what to do or say most of the time. ive already told you how it hurts and ive already expressed all of my anger and sadness to you so i guess the only thing left to do is try and move on. i think you are finally realizing what you need to do and i think youve finally gotten it through your head about how i feel and why i feel that way.
we are such a mess.....
what i dont understand is why we are still together if neither of us are happy. i hate you for what you did and im angry and shit but i just cant bring myself to stop talking to you. it makes no sense to me. i need you even when youre the one that is hurting me the most.
i just dont know how i feel anymore. im not quite sure what else there is for me to say.

dreaming with a broken heart

2010-07-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

yeah, in case anyone was wondering, i believe my last three post titles with exception to "i don't know" have been john mayer song titles. it's like the man knows how to sum up my life with a lil phrase. i love john mayer.
is it pathetic that i am so used to being let down that it hardly surprises me anymore? it's like i just see this shit coming. okay, so maybe i didn't see anything this big coming. i honestly thought you had been telling me the truth. i honestly thought you had changed. i honestly thought you cared. all the while i am writing this, my heart hurts but i have no more tears to shed. it's funny how the little things get me so easily but when something big happens i just push away all the emotions. yeah, it hurts like a fucking bitch. yeah, i've been having a lot of anxiety. yeah, i can't sleep at night. yeah, it's all thanks to you and the fact that you completely ripped my heart out. yeah, it's all your fault. but when it comes to crying or wanting to lie in bed all day or just giving up on life in general, i'm not doing it this time. i don't know. i think it just hurts so much that i honestly cannot deal with it. i'd rather try and forget about it rather than face it. you hurt me. a lot.
i can't figure out what the worst part of this is. the simple fact that you lied to me. maybe it's that you didn't love me enough or care about me enough to actually do the things you said you would. or it's the fact that you didn't stop to consider me for two seconds. i never crossed your mind once. it might be that you knew how much it hurt me when you did this before and you just kept on doing it behind my back for so long. possibly it's that you knew that i had trust issues. you knew how hard it was for me to break down my walls and trust you. you knew that i trusted you more than anyone else. perhaps the worst part is that i will never trust you again.....
it sucks a lot when you love somebody so much, you love them more than anybody in the world, you make and keep promises for them, you change for them, you do things you've never done before for them, you completely open yourself up to them, and they just........they just shit on you.....
you don't deserve my sadness. you don't deserve anything i do for you. you broke my heart and i won't give you another fucking tear for it. i'm done crying over all the shit you do. honestly, i was just starting to really have hope for us. i was going to do everything to make things better again. i was ready for us to last forever. everything was just starting to be perfect again. then, you dropped this bomb on me. this time, i'm not so sure i'm willing to clean up the mess. right now, all i want to do is pick myself up, clean myself off, and leave you behind to deal with all the wreckage. you created it anyways. so you deal with it.

bold as love

2010-07-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

truth be told, some days are definitely better and today just happened to be one of those better days. the simple things will always prevail in making me happy. friends stopping by unannounced. going to buy a new cd that is outside of my comfort zone. blasting that cd while driving randomly around town with the windows rolled down. watching the best tv show ever. and even though me and you did a lot of arguing today, even though you yelled at me for an hour and a half straight, even though tears were shed, i think it was exactly what we needed. to be honest, ive never loved you so much. p.s. i love that we both love skittles. youre amazing ♥
so my mom threw a lia sophia party the other day. lots of people came and i was happy because i knew my mom would have been disappointed if it was a bad turnout. also, a lot of people ordered jewelry and a few people even booked their own lia sophia parties. this is fantastic news because that means we get a lot of free jewelry. im getting an ankle bracelet, a toe ring, and a ring. im pretty excited.
hmhmhm what else? i have officially decided that im going to warped tour along with a million other people. we are taking a mini van and a car. wow fun. i definitely plan on seeing mayday parade, the rocket summer, we the kings, and attack attack. ive already forgetten who else is going. im pretty sad that motion city soundtrack and the all-american rejects wont be at the milwaukee warped tour. that completely sucks dick. but whatever. its still going to be awesome.
having a job isnt as terrible as i thought it would be. it only sucks when in conflicts with my plans and when ive had a shit day and i just dont feel like going. otherwise its been great to finally have money to just spend on whatever.
i am obnoxiously pissed at playlist.com. it totally fucked up my blog playlist and my john mayer playlist that i made. im not sure when i will have the motivation to fix those things. i love john mayer so much. damn you, playlist.com.
i know that i really really really want to be a psychiatrist/psychologist/art therapist or whatever. ive even already picked out the college i want to go to. its an all girls catholic school in milwaukee. its pretty much perfect. but sometimes i just feel like that isnt exciting at all. i feel like its obnoxiously cliche and predictable. sometimes, i like to dream of being a make up artist or a tattoo artist. i really do like make up but for some reason i feel like i dont belong in that profession so ive held myself back from persuing it. plus, i dont think i would get support from anyone to do it. i would love to live an edgy life and be a tattoo artist. i want so many tattoos and i love artwork. but once again, i dont feel like im talented enough and i dont feel like i belong. i would definitely be happy being a psychiatrist but sometimes i like to dream. maybe i could have a side job or something. who knows.
i wonder where we will live when we get old enough to own a place together. will you want to go south or will you want to stay in the midwest. maybe you dont want to do either of those. i honestly cant picture myself anywhere but in the midwest. i love madison, milwaukee, and chicago. any other place, id be very reluctant to live in. i wonder what type of house we will buy. a townhouse, a ranch style, an apartment. i wonder what our kids will look like. will they have your curly hair? will they be skinny like me? i hope they like swingsets. id be heartbroken if they didnt. and i hope they like skittles. haha who doesnt like skittles? =] how many pets will we have? ive never had a dog so im not sure if i would like living with one. we will for sure have kitties. i wonder what sort of trips we will take. i wonder if everything will be perfect like ive always imagined it.
summer is pretty much half over. i wish i would stop counting down the days. i am so far from excited for next school year to start but i am going to try my hardest to take a different approach on things. i dont want it to be another miserable year. but i want to stop thinking about that. its summer.

i dont know

2010-07-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

unwanted. unimportant. useless. worthless. stupid. pathetic. unloved. unlovable. undesirable. obnoxious. nothing special. nothing worth fighting for. nothing at all. crazy. insane. unable to be dealt with. not worth the effort. not worth anything. annoying. bitchy. a cunt. a wench. waste of space. what does it matter.

slow dancing in a burning room

2010-07-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

im in love with this boy. a boy with brown hair and wonderful brown eyes and this enticing medium brown skin. he has a mind like no other. his thoughts are deep. i consider him to be very wise and insightful. i know he always has a lot on his mind. he is very talented. he is a good artist. his way with words is like pure poetry to me. his passion and his fascination with things is lovely. he aspires to be a chef and i have no doubt that he will be the best. he isnt exactly funny. no, i wouldnt use that word to describe him. but sometimes, without even trying, he makes me laugh. its a laugh that only he has the privilege to experience. yes, he amuses me quite often. he can make me smile so much my cheeks hurt. we could talk all day every day and never run out of things to say. he is very romantic. i know he would pay perfect attention to me. i have no doubt that he could satisfy my every need.
i want to be with him forever. i dont think ive ever truly loved anyone more. i know for a fact that ive never cared so much about somebody before. i crave his attention and his approval more than anyone else. i want to please him. i want to make him happy. i want all of our hopes and dreams to become reality. i want to love him like he has never been loved before. i want to be his one and only. forever and always.

i wish things could be perfect all the time. i guess when you love somebody so much and they love you the same, its impossible to avoid arguments. he and i dont think the same. he has said it before; i think with my emotions and he uses logic. in my opinion, we both are dreamers but we are also pessimists. we just do it in our own way. i know im not always open with everything. but he seems so distant at times. sometimes, it feels like hes holding back. i feel like there is still a lot that i dont know about this boy. sometimes, the things he does or fails to do make me feel like he doesnt care as much as i do. sometimes, it feels like he doesnt care when he hurts me. i know, or he says, he doesnt intentionally hurt me but he does it anyways and it always leads to problems. i know i hurt him sometimes too. most of the time im not trying. sometimes its on purpose and for that i am a terrible person. whenever we disagree about something, it leads to a huge fight and most of the time it leads to goodbyes. whenever one of us hurts the other, its the same exact way. he isnt good with apologies or seeing things from other peoples point of view. im not blaming him for everything. i never claimed to be a strong individual and i never claimed to be perfect. im a weak mess. but i try. i really do. i put forth all of my effort. i try to change when i know that something is wrong. i make him the center of my attention. it just seems like he isnt trying to change. maybe its because he never tells me things. i rarely know what he is thinking or feeling. it makes things so hard. all of this plus the fact that we are miles apart just makes this so painful.

the good times with this boy are great. when things are good between me and him, i couldnt ask for more. when we laugh and smile together, its like the world is perfect and nothing could go wrong. but when we argue, when we fight, when we disagree, its hard. its hard to stay when it seems like nothing will change. i want to be with this boy forever but im afraid that the future will only bring more and more fighting. im afraid that one day we will grow to despise each other. i love him through think and thin. but when we fight, he comes off as so cold and so uncaring. in those moments, i find it hard to find something to love about him....i just dont know what to do anymore.......i know that we can pull through whatever happens but i also know that shit will just keep happening over and over again. i just dont know if i can handle all of the useless fights and all of the getting hurt and the heartache.

i love you more than anything but i just dont know...

wet hot american summer

2010-06-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

well, i got back from florida on the 19th. i had a pretty alright time. ate a lot of good food. got to go on the beaches before the oil started washing up. became a little less pale. did not learn how to swim. sweat a lot. had really bad hair every day. bought a few things. mostly, i had a lot of simple fun with my family. wish i could have stayed longer or brought a few people with me. theres a lot to do in pensacola.
hm, what else has been going on? i took my road test on the 21st. failed it. epicly. its half my fault because i let my anxiety affect me so much. its half the driving schools fault because i had a drive time that morning and the instructor told me i was doing everything perfect and i would probably pass my test. however, she forgot to mention all of the little details i would need for my test. whatever. now, i have to wait until september to try again. how awesome...
i think i decided that i'm done with twitter. i havent deleted my account or anything. but i did stop getting updates on my phone and i deleted my twitter contact. twitter seemed fun when i was the only one of my friends to have it. then, a few of my friends got it and it wasnt bad. but now so many people i know have it that i cant even say anything without risking judgement. its like every time i quote a song lyric that i like people have to ask questions about it. i dont know. it just got really annoying. twitter was like a mini blog for me. i could get all of my little random thoughts out and it felt really good to not have everything clogged up in my head. but whatever. ill miss getting info from bands and stuff too. and ill miss the occasional funny or cute tweets i used to get. all in all, i guess im glad to not be involved with everyone elses business and shit anymore.
i wish i was doing more this summer. like going to a concert or hanging out with more friends. its pretty sad that theres only one person i make plans with and theres only one person i talk to all day every day. i dont want to blame myself but i cant completely blame everyone else. i have gone swimming with the boys this summer. and i have gone to a couple sleepovers. it just sucks having a job. apparently, working at 4pm means that the rest of my day has to be full of nothing. ugh. not to mention the fact that most of my not so big paycheck has to go towards saving for things so i never have any spending money. i wish i was less of a complainer.
i recently got an account on last.fm and i finally actually updated my account on playlist.com. music helps distract me. i made a john mayer playlist yesterday. literally, i put practically every john mayer song ever made on that playlist. ive listened to one song so far haha. sad sad sad. last.fm im not sure why i got an account on. its pretty cool because you learn about new artists and it shows you people who have similar music interests as you. but im not sure i want to get into making more random friends online. speaking of random online friends, flash flash revolution is supposed to be coming back soon. considering the fact that my best friend in the entire universe is on there, i might go back on. however, once again, im not sure i want to get back into the whole talking to people online thing. when i do that it just seems like im wasting my life when i could be out talking to my real friends. who knows. we will see.
i really wanted to go see toy story 3 but it came out while i was in florida and now i feel like its too late to go see it. i hate being the only one in a movie theater. i absolutely despise it. despicable me is coming out soon. it looks so fucking adorable. im definitely going to make sure i go see that one. i still havent decided if im going to warped tour this year. it comes to milwaukee the day after i get back from california. im just not sure i want to spend all of that money to see only a few bands that arent even my favorite bands. i really wanted to go to summer fest this year because like a bazillion bands that i love were going. passion pit, sick puppies, silversun pickups, the devil wears prada, neon trees, paper tongues, more more more more more. but summer fest goes on for like 10 days and its 15 dollars a day for admission and its in milwaukee. needless to say, i dont have the money or a ride and i have a job that conflicts with pretty much every day i wanted to go. oh well. im just hoping that the silversun pickups tour again because they are AMAZING and ive missed them every time they come to this area.
so its summer. almost july. that means that summer is almost 1/3 over. i better start living it up while i can.

lets start a war together and die at the same time

2010-06-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

wow, it's officially the end of my sophomore year. i never thought i would want summer to come so fast. this year definitely had its share of ups and downs. sadly, i think the downs are what is most prominent in my memory. all i can say is that i'm so glad i had certain people in my life to help me get through my roughest times and i'm even more glad that they put up with my crazy ass mood swings. i'm not sure what changes have occured within me this year. i'm still obnoxiously shy like i've always been. i still only wear skinny jeans and i love my band tees. i guess i am more of a fun seeker in a way. i love hanging out with my boys. i don't know what i would do without them. those kids make me laugh so much. except when they throw fireworks and me. that's not much fun.
got a job at pizza hut not too long ago. lucky for me, i get to work with tj. i've only actually worked one day so far but i work for the next three nights. i can't help but let my anxiety get to me. i'm afraid of messing up when it really counts. however, i am positive i will eventually get the hang of things and hopefully i won't dread going to my job.
what to do what to do what to do.
suddenly, all of my summer plans seem less exciting than before. i leave for florida on friday. in a couple of weeks, i do my last drive time and take my drive test. lets all hope i pass. california will be in july still. maybe i'll be going to summer fest and warped tour. i'm just afraid that work is going to interfere with everything. if i can't go see silversun pickups at summer fest because of work, i might just kill myself. bleh =p
rawr. i really don't know what else to say. this whole keeping up with my blogging thing hasn't really worked out. oh well. not like many people care.
did i ever rant about why alternative music is the best? even if i did, i'm going to do it again right here.
alternative music can be listened to no matter what mood you're in. happy, sad, lonely, angry, excited, in love, heartbroken, thoughtful, empty. i could go on for hours. alternative music has so many varieties. you can listen to it at so many events. birthday parties, graduation parties, in a clothing store, in a restaraunt, at a party, sitting with your significant other, when doing chores, when doing art, when you're alone and don't have anything better to do. i don't think you could ever go wrong with alternative music.

p.s.

2010-05-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

somehow my "comments" got changed to "mutherfuckers talkin shit" and i do not enjoy it. nor do i know how to change it. ive tried but nothing works. makes me sad.

born to quit

2010-05-18T15:18:00.001-07:00

i wish things like this didnt happen on a daily basis. our communication sucks for lack of a better word. two strong headed people are not meant to be together. no matter how many times we cry, we yell, we fight, we fix things, it always seems like we resort back to our old ways. in no way would i ever really want to blame you for everything. that would be wrong. i do the same things as you. i find it pathetic that we cant realize when we are wrong. we cant just stop and listen to the other person. even when i mean no harm by what im saying, you take offense. even when you did not mean to hurt me, im hurt. even when i try to calmly tell you how i feel, you get defensive. it seems like everything turns into an arguement between us these days. you tell me i dont listen. you call me a hypocrite. you say im being a bitch. but as those words fall from your lips, you fail to see the things you have already said. i never claim to be better than you. i try my hardest to not assume what youre going to do. yet, you cant give me that same respect. i know my anger can be a terrible thing. yours is too whether you will admit it or not. in some ways, i feel like i admit more of my faults than you admit of yourself. you say you want to talk things out by how am i supposed to do that when youre being so hostile? sometimes, it feels like you yell at me like a father would scold a child. it seems very condescending. you speak matter of factly then say youre just stating an opinion. i know thats exactly what i did today so i cannot really say its all your fault all of the time.
it breaks my heart every time we do this. alas, i honestly cant change the way i feel. i cant program myself to not take offense to things that bother me. im sorry i am so emotional at times. im sorry i voice when i am hurt or bothered. and it would be stupid of me to expect you to change the way you feel about things. most of the time, i feel like we are destined to be like this for the rest of our time together. i know you say you want to fix things. i know you say forever and always.

but what if that is not best for us?

what if forever and always will bring us more disaffection and pain that happiness?

i dont know what to do.

i dont know what to say.

i dont know how i feel.

...

eh, nothing else i can say

2010-05-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

mother, you hated that your parents hated you. well, i hate that you hate me. and hopefully soon youll hate that i hate you. thank you for occasionally realizing that you give me hell on a daily basis. fuck you for not doing a damn thing to change. you say im such a bitter, angry, bitchy child. jeez, i wonder why.
i blame you and that swell man you married for the relationship issues i have today. i blame you for starting a family that was destined to fail. you chose to be a stupid teenager. you chose to marry a man that you knew was terrible. you chose to say all of those things youve said to me. youve sealed both of our fates. for you, youre going to be a lonely old woman. and me? well, im just going to be called crazy and insane by every person i love because im paranoid out of my mind thanks to all of the things ive had to experience. yeah sure, i could blame my dad for the abuse he dished out and all of his bullshit. however, i see more and more clearly each day that it was you who allowed all of those things to happen.
maybe im exaggerating a little. i know thats not how i should think. im just angry right now. im bitter. im a bitch. how many more times do i have to hear it? yeah, i get that im crazy. i hate myself enough for it. i already despise who i am. do you have to make it worse?

cool.

we are...

2010-05-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

a rough sketch of an idea im working on
it could need some additions or rearrangements or things taken out
it could be perfect just the way it is

* * *

we are those who seek but cannot find

we are the lost and troubled souls

we are the bleeding hearts

we are the damned

we are the living

everchanging

2010-05-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

lately, not much has changed. looking back at my last post, the whole world has changed. this is not updated at all. i attempted a post a few weeks ago. i had so much to say but there were some errors and well, here i am.
previous events:
i went to a motion city soundtrack concert with sing it loud, fun, and a rocket to the moon.
also! i went a say anything concert with angels and airwaves.
now that ive seen motion city and say anything, i am ready to die...teehee =]
arranging my thoughts into something intelligent and interesting just isnt going to happen today. however, now is when i have the time and motivation so its going to happen no matter what.
i must kickstart my blogging habit again

oh lord, where to start......

my feelings towards life have been changing. by being a wallflower, i have observed a lot. thats kind of what i do now. i dont really like to participate anymore. maybe its just this place that i am trapped. i feel like i am so far beyond this town and the people in it. i want to leave. i want to be somewhere new. this town has nothing left to offer me but bad memories and hate. i have grown very indifferent to my surroundings. i have discovered that i can fight and fight and fight for my views and opinions. i can try to make things go my way. but that rarely happens and when it does, i find myself very unsatisfied. the picture in my head will never become reality. reality will never equal my expectations and hopes and dreams and aspirations and....

it seems as though nobody listens to the things i say anymore. i notice people looking away when i talk. they even interupt me and start conversations with other people. due to this, i keep most things in my head. i do not discuss the way i am feeling. i try to not express my opinions. i say a lot of "i dont know" and "maybe". i cannot completely blame my friends for our disconnect. i am also the one who let things slide and disappear. it just seems like i am going in a different direction than they are. they all want to go to school events and hang with these kids i am not fond of and all of this other whatnot. i really cannot explain it in the right way. i want to talk to different people; people that dont exist in this town. i have yet to find someone who is anywhere near interested in all of the things that i am. i feel alone and very isolated. i feel as though i have nothing to contribute to peoples conversations.

i want summer. i desire a time to renew. a time where i can just be me. i can do the things i want to do. i can relax. i can be free. i hate all of these deadlines. i loathe the anxiety. i despise the drama. i want to be rid of all of it.

seasonal affective disorder. i am staring at the blue sky. hardly a cloud in sight. according to any therapist, this would mean im supposed to be happy. so why am i apathetic? yes, rainy days and dark clouds typically mean sadness and anger for me. but the sun still cannot save me from my irrational moods. i make no sense to myself. i do believe that no therapist can fit me into their frivolous little categories.

back to summer. i want to talk about my plans.
two days after school gets out, june 11th, ill be boarding a plane to florida and i wont be coming back until june 19th. sometime in july, ill be on my way to california. working on persuading my mom to let me go to LA for a day. i want to snort mountains of cocaine and get lost in the sex, drugs, and disaffection. for sure. also, im hoping to go to michigan (the up) for some sort of camping trip. still not sure if thats actually going to happen or if ill be going. we shall see. if i come back from california in time and can scrape up some money, id love to go to warped tour. i plan on borrowing the first season of true blood from tai. that should occupy me quite easily. i want to get some more money to buy piles upon piles of novels about teen angst, depression, drugs, sex, suicide and all that jazz. i also want to find more time to do my artwork since i find myself to be rather unmotivated and distracted in school. and of course i would be happy if i could find more time for this little thing so i can document my craziness.

oh me, oh my.
i think that is enough for one post. i feel it necessary to expand on a few of these thoughts but not all at once.

to be continued

eventually

vampires will never hurt you

2009-12-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

i wish that i could sleep forever. nothing i say will ever fix things. so many people have told me to let you go and it seems like you dont want me...should i keep fighting? i wish you would see how much i care and how much im sorry for the trouble ive caused.

you know about my problems. ive trusted you with everything. ive shared my secrets, my faults, and you promised you would never leave me. you promised you would stand by me through everything. you told me you loved me so much and you cared. lately, you dont say that anymore...and i wish you could see how much this hurts. im not the type of person to be clingy and pathetic over someone. i cant help myself when it comes to you. i trusted you, you told me things i couldnt resist, we were in love...

ive been so stressed. im touchy when you say certain things. i even told you that. yet, you get so angry and you tell me how stupid i am. you tell me im dumb for the way i feel. you tell me you want to give up. you shit talk me behind my back. you blame me for ruining your relationship when all i ever did was help. i saved your relationship once and i wonder if you even remember that. you tell me i cant talk to your girlfriend when shes the only one who can possibly understand what ive been going through with you.

we have a secret that no one will ever know. does that even matter anymore? are things even the same? or are you completely done with me? you blamed me for all of this. i took the fall when everyone else was upset about our problems. you didnt even care because you honestly think i caused all of this. you cant stand it when someone points out one of your flaws. youll never say your sorry and mean it. now, i wonder if you ever meant those promises. if you ever meant it when you said you loved me. we were so quick to love, and youre so quick to hate.

i would do anything to keep from losing you...no matter how wrong it is. i just cant fathom the fact that you loved me so much...and now you just want to get me out of your life. how did this even happen? one bad week...

new years is coming up. we had so much planned. watching the breakfast club, eating oreo cereal, and sooooo much more. i would do anything to reverse time. i told you i would drop everything i have for you and i meant it. you never felt that way...

i feel like i just fell for a whole bunch of lies...i cant even express how i feel in the proper way.

i wish my life was like a vampire romance. this vampire guy comes to town and immediately spots the needy and refrained girl. he would never judge her. he knows shes the only one who would understand. he would never hurt her. when he says he loves her, he means it. he would literally have his world come crashing down in order to please her...no matter how much she pushes him away, hell always be there when she beckons him back to her. he understands her completely. he is so patient.

vampires will never hurt you...

untitled

2009-12-09T08:40:00.001-08:00

this needs a lot of work. much revisions and possibly additions. most likely doesn't follow many rules of poetry either. oh well. i am a little rusty so i guess it works.

the air so cold it could pierce
my skin, so delicate.
the face i wear is fierce.
from my eye, falls a droplet.

it's all a masquerade
as i watch my life fade.

hearts as black as coal.
i find it hard to see.
a lost and troubled soul.
what is left for me?

but could you watch me go?
my skin as white as snow.

like ten different people
trapped in a single figure.
i'd soon climb the tallest steeple,
begging God, "take me to the azure,".

when i've forgotten who i am,
you bring me right back again.

love found in the most curious of places,
hidden from the world in secrecy.
a never ending chase.
who holds my heart and the key?

someday, i'll figure everything out.
until then, please hold me from my doubt.

walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave

2009-11-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

i feel like its hard to rely on anyone these days. as soon as i get close to someone, that person finds a way to let me down. whether they realize it or not. or maybe i just take things too personally. i find myself trying to ponder the things that people do. not too in depth but i just want to see and understand. why this person loves this other person. why that person cant say whats on their mind. why i cant either...

listening to my ipod on shuffle is dangerous business. i start out listening to something dance/pop-punk and im in a good mood. then, it always turns sour and so do i. i need someone around to keep me from doing these things to myself. i know its bad to stay home by myself, but i insisted on it tonight. its not doing me much good.

id rather see the good in a bad person than the bad in a good person. i critique people too much and when i end up being right about them, i rarely feel proud of the work ive done. thats why i want to be a therapist. i want to be there to bring out the light from within a dark soul. that is all i want to do. i never again want to pick apart a person until i hate them so. alas, i cannot help myself. i dont see why people like me.

im still a jealous person. things havent changed much here. one day, ill find comfort in reality. until that day, im a miserable mess. sometimes, a hot mess but thats only on those rare days that show themselves when people actually decide to give a crap and act like the person they say they are. oh lordy.

i think that other peoples drama is kinda hilarious yet a nuisance at the same time. i think other people should just shut up.

by the way, im having trouble accepting winter. its such a happy time. therefore, i beckon it to come forth. then again, i despise wearing winter clothes and im not very fond of cuddling these days so that does me no good.

i went to a concert the other day. there were a lot of couples in the crowd holding eachother and kissing. im not a romantic in the least. lately, i just find that pathetic. i think im just bitter.

i like swearing but when people do it too often and out of context, i just hate it. i think other people should stop making me loath all the things i used to love. i blame other people for causing all the problems i have. you all are the reason i am the way i am. im just the one who chooses to do nothing about it. but that doesnt make it my fault. its not my fault, its never my fault.

it's all in your goodbyes

2009-11-24T14:45:00.001-08:00

can i start by saying i hate the fact that nobody reads this? it's exactly like talking to a brick wall. in all reality, i prefer the brick wall to actual people because the brick wall can't attack you or judge you or any shit like that.

i don't mean anything i say anymore. i never stick with what i say. i find it hard to believe myself when i talk. i won't deny things to other people, but i lie to myself each and every day. it's a protection service for myself. i need to find some sort of comfort or else i'll be seeing the end soon.

i don't know if i can continue helping people with their problems anymore. it's too much of a hassle for my dying soul. i don't know if i can rely on anyone anymore because the second things take a turn for the worse, i'm forced into a state that i can't even explain.

i'm angry at my father who only texted me on my 16th birthday and got drunk and failed to pay child support yet again. i really wanna know what the fuck i did to deserve this. why god decided to place this burden and everlasting pain on my shoulders. i wanna know why i can't cope, why i struggle, why i feel lost and lonely every single day. it's amazing how one person can do this to another. we all die. i cannot say what happens when we do. i just hope i no longer have any worries, pain, anger, anxiety, stress because i've had about all i can take.

i know a lot. i know every fault i have. i know every strength i have. i know what's wrong and right. i know how things should be. alas, i feel that this is all useless to me.

i can't believe i let other people's problems ruin my birthday yesterday and my good day today. i care a lot more than i should. it's immense the level of caring i hold. it is also immense the level of shit i get from the people i care about. i don't know exactly what i mean by that because i'm not sure if it's true.

everything depends on the day for me. what i like, how i act, what upsets me, what i do. i find it hard to hold a relationship with people because of this. nobody has the capacity or understanding to deal with me. and when they do, i fuck it up. they fuck it up. i lose everything i have.

i'm not sure anymore. the second something feels right to me, i get told it's wrong. the second i'm sure of something, i either pull myself away or someone else does. it's like i'm destined to fuck up. my belief in god depends on the day too. it's hard to believe in something that is supposed to love you when your life is shit. when i do believe, all i can do is ask why. god, if you have a reason for this, i need to know now. i honestly cannot handle this. do you see me falling apart? do you see my mistakes? do you see my regrets?

does anybody see anything? or do they just choose to ignore it because that is the only way to maintain normality. it's they only way they can make themselves feel better so they don't have to live each day with a burden on their shoulders. it's the only thing any of us can do to keep our heads straight.

this world...sometimes i wish it had never happened.

seasons

2009-11-22T12:02:00.000-08:00

my bipolar disorder has become more prominent in these past few months. there isnt much i wish to do about it. the worst part is that i know everything about my problem and i can put a name to all the stages and emotions but im helpless. you guys, its really not as bad as im making it out to be.

ive been alright. not too productive. thats not always a bad thing. i sleep like shit every night cuz i go to bed at indecent hours. ive been staying up talking to my boyfriends best friend. he recently told me about his feelings for me and i cant deny the fact that i have them too. its very confusing. i dont know how to handle the situation. all i can do is feel guilty about it. yet i enjoy talking to him. so its a guilty pleasure. i finally know what that means now.

my 16th birthday is tomorrow. i got my first surpirse birthday party ever. it was small but thats good because i hate large gatherings. i get panic attacks easily.

i dont really know what i want right now. im just going with the flow because there is no use trying to figure things out when im so emotionally out of control.

its really no big deal.

bippity boppity boo

2009-10-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

soooo, i was reading all of my older blog posts and i gotta say that it made me really happy. it reminded me of how random i used to be and when i used to talk about katie all the time and it led me up to the days when i met austin. i was such a happy kid. it inspired me. when i was reading, i saw one happy post followed by a sad post followed by a happy post. basically, things change and nothing is forever. my favorite parts were when i talked about art class, all the nice vocabulary and stuff i used, and just all the random accounts of things i did. you guys, this kid has a long way to go. she's in the middle of some prime suffering years. alas, these will help her grow and become a strong individual.

you're right and i was wrong

2009-10-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

i do not exactly enjoy the way things are in this moment. i don't have my friends situated, my relationship situated, my emotions situated. i'm holding back once again. i'm faking happiness day to day because no matter what face i wear, my heavy heart is still a burden. i know where all my problems come from yet i find it hard to explain. i'm afraid of facing my fears and all the things i've hidden for many years. there are things i've erased from my mind unconciously when i was a child. i'm a shell that nobody can crack. if i do crack, nobody is going to like what comes out. i feel like a trouble to everyone, like i'm in the way. i feel as though everyone is sick of hearing me whine. the sad thing is that i'm clearly crying for help yet i reject the only 2 or 3 people who offer it to me. emotions fade in and fade out. i'm a bipolar mess. no use hiding that anymore. no use hiding anything anymore now that i wear my heart on my sleeve. no use sharing anything because i can't trust anyone. i'm one contradiction after another. my personality doesn't make sense nor do my thoughts.
i'm sick of being around a clusterfuck of fake. people who are trying to act one way when everyone else knows that isn't who they are. why are they so unaware of what people say about them? is it because they refuse to believe? i'm sick of people who tell me one thing then act another then leave me for god only knows what reasons. i'm sick of people who i loved at some point in time yet they didn't love me back. now, all of a sudden, they decide to come around but it's too late. i've moved on. or have i?
i'm sick of wanting to break out and just tear up this scene but being too afraid. i want so badly to just get out there and party but then i tell myself i won't have fun. i'm my own worst enemy.
i can't remember the last timei was truly happy and i know that statement will hurt someone if they read it but why should i lie?
all in all, i hate who i am.
until further notice,
assume the worst

light at the end of a tunnel

2009-10-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

my second picture

2009-10-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

as a train roars

2009-09-28T17:28:00.001-07:00

one of my pinhole camera shots

still need to save the other one

well thought out twinkles

2009-09-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

it makes me sad that i don't blog on a regular basis but i don't have anything to blog about! i am not an exciting child anymore. sighhh. you could always email me =]

i recently learned how to take pictures on a pinhole camera. it's extremely cool if any of you know what that is. basically, it's a cardboard box with a piece of copper that has a tiny hole in it. you put light sensitive paper in the camera and once you uncover the hole, whatever image you are facing will go through the hole and be reflected onto the light sensitive paper but it will be backwards and in negative black and white. yes, that is always fun to explain to everyone when they ask why i'm carrying around a box. so far, i've only developed one picture in the dark room and i think it's a badass pic. i'll get it on here someday once i figure out how to. i took another one but i need to develope that. if it doesn't turn out i'll cry.

so, i'm gonna complain about my lack of extra curricular activities again. i might not be doing 4-H next year cuz all m friends are quitting. i could slap those dumb children. i think i'll do it anyways just so i can do photography and drawing and painting. art is what i live for anyways. i also need to learn how to join the national art honor society at school but i'm too afraid to ask. soooooon!

i failed my first huge test in ap american history. yeah, it makes me extremely sad cuz two of my friends got the highest scores in all the classes. that was embarrassing. i don't know what else to say on that matter. i was extremely upset at first but i think i've gotten over it. school isn't everything in life and no, i'm not perfect.

truth,
i secretly wish every guy would like me as more than a friend

truth,
i extremely enjoy scene boys

truth,
i believe i act like a kid a lot because i missed out on so much of my childhood

truth,
i hate anyone who is remotely like me because i like to think i'm one of a kind

truth,
i like boys better than girls when it comes to friends

truth,
i don't try my best because i'm afraid to see what could be

truth,
i want to be famous when i grow up

truth,
i am a complete contradiction in every way shape and form

truth,
i'm a flirt

truth,
i hurt a lot of people and i don't know why or how to stop

truth,
i know nothing about the world but i like to pretend i know everything

truth,
i help other people as a way to avoid helping myself

truth,
i've chosen to forget most of my childhood

truth,
i hate to talk

truth,
i'm extremely opinionated

truth,
i am a control freak

truth,
i have no idea how to control my life and it kills me

truth,
i can't decide what i want to believe in

truth,
i hate sundays

truth,
i hate telling people what i think about them

truth,
i like meeting new people but i hate being the first to talk

truth,
Plushgun is a great band and everyone should go listen to them

no new stories to tell

2009-09-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

i cant say i have anything interesting to say. i dont feel like talking much anymore. lately i just feel like keeping it all inside. there isnt really anyone to listen anyways.

the new school year started exactly a week ago. my classes dont seem too hard...yet. its nothing really fun. the worst part is having gym first hour. no...i lied. the worst part is having a total of like 5 friends. i feel extremely alone this year. i feel like i dont fit in. i feel like an awkward outcast in every social situation. i strongly long to just move out of this town. i wish to go somewhere where i could just be free. i wanna completely ditch my family. i wanna find people who are just as outcastish as me. i want artsy friends. i want friends who like to ponder the meaning of life. i want friends who arent afraid to be risky or push the line. i want friends who arent afraid to feel or tell how they feel. i want friends who i can actually relate to. cuz right now i have no one. all my friends do extra curricular sports and musicals and theater. i like art. all my friends have a lot of friends that do a lot of stuff and are really popular.

i dont understand how i function. i recall making a post not too long ago about how confident i was in myself. i still know who i am and whatnot. but i just dont like me and i dont feel like other people like me. nothing anyone says can change how i feel. i have to change it myself.

warped

2009-07-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

this is my offial 101 post. i wish i would have noticed 100 but oh well i'm a little late.
anywho
yesterday was pretty much one of the best days of my life
after two terrible years, i finally got to go to van's warped tour in milwaukee, wisconsin. and oh my dear lord i could cry it was that amazing. list of bands we saw: underoath, a day to remember, attack attack!, the devil wears prada, cash cash, p.o.s., chiodos, aiden, and 3oh!3. that's only 9 bands out of the 69 that were there haha. i also got a chance to hear a bit of there for tomorrow, tv/tv, gallows, and escape the fate. i swear to god i almost died during the underoath concert. it was the first one we went to at like 11:15 in the morning. yeah, nothing like death that early =] right when the concert started, all the people from behind us rushed forward and shoved us into the center. it sucked ass there. first, my shoe fucking fell off and got trampled 5 feet in front of my which forced me more into the center. then, there were kids smoking pot which i thought was hilarious. i almost died of a panic attack because i literally cannot stand that many people being close to me. luckily, we pulled out and everything was great...til it started to rain haha god loves us. underoath sounds the same in concert as they do on the cds and it was the greatest experience ever.

a day to remember would have been just as good, if i could have seen the fucking concert. apparently, only tall people like them. thank god for boyfriends who let their girlfriends sit on the shoulders for a few songs. the best part of that show was watching some drunk kid climb a fence then plinko down some bleachers that were stacked on the other side XD i felt bad but hey, don't be dumb kids. also, some kid with a broken arm was like shoving people in a mosh pit then he got elbowed in the eye and the entire thing went bloodshot. it was gross but interesting. i loved that show A LOT.

attack attack! and the devil wears prada were both good but i don't know their music a lot and we left about halfway through each show so we could see other ones. cash cash, those poor boys have an amazing cd but they suck live. i think they were too focused on hyping the crowd of mostly girls. p.o.s. is probaly the most amazing guy in the entire universe. he was the only black rapper there but he made up for it by literally going into the crowd and singing. plus. his songs are so real and meaningful. PLUS PLUS! i saw him leaving the marcus amphitheater and he totally stopped to sign jordan's poster, austin's poster, and my shoe (the exact one i had almost lost like 4 hours priar).

craigery owens is the sexiest man in the entire universe, maybe. he's an angel who can blast the craziest fucking scream everrr. i wanna fuck him a million times. basically, the chiodos set was top fucking notch. they broke my chemical romances' record of 60 people crowd surfing in one minute which i laughed at. those poor security gaurds. aiden, aiden, aiden. the band i was thinking about all day. the band i would die for. the band i actually cried for. the band who got stuck on the smallest stage there but had a gnarly sized crowd. i was about 3 or 4 feet away from the stage. i almost touched wiL francis. i sung to every song. did i mention i cried? i got spit on by the guitar player...multiple times and didn't want to wash it off this morning haha. i cried. i could have gotten to meet the band but noooo austin wanted to hurry up and meet up with jordan and jasmine who went to go see forever the sickest kids. that was a joke because apparently there were so many kids there that they couldn't even get into the marcus amphitheater. lmao. anywho, i sacrificed seeing ftsk for the third time just so i could see aiden but it was worth it. and even though we ditched on meeting the band, that's when we got to meet p.o.s. so i guess it's okay.

the last band we saw was 3oh!3 and in all honesty, i would have rather seen madina lake. 3oh!3 played on the main stage and there were so many people there it was crazy. prolly everyone in the entire state and then some were there. also, they aren't the best live...i'm sorry 3oh!3, i love you still.

so yeah. best day of my life. i still can't believe i went. it was yesterday but it seems like it was a month ago. it all went by so fast and i feel like i'm going to forget it. i'm tired as fuck now. totally beat. the ride home was absolutely terrible XD we were all kinda hyper. good thing for jasmine's mom, she's mostly deaf.

i wanna rewind and do it again

the distance grows as the ground approaches

2009-07-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i went to the mall with my mom, my boyfriend, and his mom. they had this store called furry babies. i thought it was like a stuffed animal place but when we walked past it had puppies! in cribs!! not from puppy mills!!! i got to hold a miniature husky. she fell asleep in my arms and it broke my heart that i couldn't take her home. i'm definitely going to get a husky when i get older. i'm gonna give it a badass vampire name haha. don't ask. i also want a bulldog named Chub Chub. and a mutt =] and a kitty named Olysaurus. awww animals are cute.

the only thing that sucked about the mall was that i didn't have any money. all i had was 17 dollars in quarters that skyler gave me to buy him gauges. boy, the guy at hot topic, chase, really loved that. literally, he was laughing the whole time. i love people that work there.

sooooo, this week is going to be THEEE most kickass week ever known to mankind. first off, i'm going to be chilling with the girls at the fair, riding rides for a flat fee of 25 dollars =] then i'm also gonna see some of my girlies at my mom's company picnic. may not seem like fun but it really is. also, the best news EVERRR, i'm going to warped tour!!!!!! ahhh!! so, originally, austin's mom was supposed to take us but then she got a new job and had to do training that day so i was bummed as fucking bum fuck egypt. basically, i was not a happy camper. however, two days ago this amazing girl named jasmine who is the girlfriend of this amazing boy named jordan offered to let me and austin come with them to warped tour since her mom was driving and they had two extra seats. yay! austin's mom bought tickets and we are going this thursday!!! god, i've been waiting three years for this =] i swear i'm going to cry for days when i see aiden. no syke.

ahhh i've been alright lately. my three photography projects got first place. one was up for a higher award along with 134 other projects. sadly, it didn't get anything. but, my two drawings also got first place and one of those is up for a higher award. i shall have to see soon what it gets. i also have to wait and see what my curtains and popcan candle holder get.

fair is probably one of my favorite times of the year. yet, it is also a sign that summer is wrapping up. i just need to make the most of the time that is left.

tahdah!

2009-07-09T15:27:00.001-07:00

like i said, there were 70 pictures to choose from. this is only 15. my second attempt at photography. tell me what you think?

happy pants

2009-07-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

so i recently got my two photography projects done =] i did one at olbrich botanical gardens in madtown. i think i got some pretty alright flower shots. i need to narrow that down to five pics. also, i did my portrait project with austin ^_^ at riverside park by my house. we took them right by the river. i need to pick my favorite one of those. all together, i took 70 pictures. a holy fucking lot of them. i'm only going to post my faves on here sometime soon cuz i am really proud of them. as far as my drawing goes, don't expect to be seeing any of that on here. i wish drawing was as fast as taking pictures. but whatever.

on another note, i'm not so stressed out about stuff anymore. skyler, kinda annoying after a while. candice, just another drama queen who can say whatever she wants. and i barely remember what else was bothering me. also, the doctor gave me some acid reflux pills that are totally helping. let's just hope i don't gain weight from all this eating.

so last week, i hung out with austin for like 4 days straight. it was kinda amazing. tonight, i'm going to see west side story with my bestie, katie. a shit ton of people i know are in it. be sure to look for my pictures soon. please tell me what you think. =] that's all for now. i don't actually have any really big stories. that's what happens in the summer. toodles.

egad!

2009-06-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

so, i completely lied about posting more often. turns out i have a life. or something remotely close to that. yeah.

things in life so far
boring as hell
slightly more dramatic than i please
and yeah

i hate sitting around all the time. miss kaitlyn is in italy. i'm happy for her. jocelyn has just arrived in new york. oh dearie. i have not left wisconsin. it's only been like 2 and a half weeks since school ended. it already seems like summer is ending. in these past 2 and a half weeks, i have not read nearly as much as i said i would, i have not written anything new as far as poetry or stories go, and i just recently started drawing again...today. oh self...what is wrong?

it all began when austin's friend candice from greenbay started telling everyone how much she hated me cuz i'm stealing austin from all of his friends. my way of helping the situation was to write a lovely lil letter to her. hmmm. things didn't work out and it's been bothering me ever since. then, on father's day (also my brother's graduation party), my most wonderful father decided not to show up. i think that's where i really started to dig my hole. some other stuff might have happened. i cannot recall. recently, i told austin that i've kinda had a crush on his friend skyler for quite some time. that shit has been eating at me all day every day. i wanna smack myself.

on a happy note, i finally started thinking about my projects for 4-H. finally, something to occupy my thougths!

->five color photographs (prolly flowers)
->portrait (prolly austin)
->window treatment (curtains for my dining room)
->item made from recycled material (candle holder from pop cans)
->pastel drawing (pink lily that i did in school...major cheating)
->pencil drawing (white calla lily)

i started the white calla lily drawing today. i really hope it turns out well. i worry so much about my drawings and photography stuff for 4-H because it's stuff that i'm really passionate about and it gets judged so i worry a hella lot about doing well on that shiz. however, i can't wait for the county fair. since i quit the 4-H showchoir i can actually enjoy the fair this year. idk.

ugh skyler. it's so wrong. i don't really think it's much of a crush tho. more of a fascination (like how i explained it to austin). he's year ahead of me in school. i knew him in middle school. he has huge gauges and a tongue piercing. he likes metal and rap. wears a lot of band tees and pants are his favorite. i've always liked guys like that. plus, he has depression issues and stuff...which fits what i like more. but the thing is that i still love austin like there's no tomorrow. yeah, i like skyler's style and he has an amazing personality. however, he isn't exactly the type of guy i would want to spend the rest of my life with. i would just love to be close friends with him and since we text like twice a day that seems like a strong possibility. it seems like i have all of this figured out so why does it still bother me so much? i have no idea.

i wish i had more interesting things to blog about. the problem with me is that i am always willing to help other people with their problems but when it's my turn, i never want to talk. i really need to learn how tho because this shit keeps piling up and i'm letting every little problem turn into something huge.

blah.

END.

the thunder

2009-06-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

june 11th, 2009: my freshman year of highschool ended. i can't believe i survived. in all honesty, high school was different in a lot of ways. for one thing, it was a lot less scary than i imagined as far as teachers and getting lost go. seriously, shit was kinda easy. however, people weren't. as usual, people will always change throughout the years. a majority of my friends changed clothes and friends and whatnot. good to say that personalities didn't differ by too much. i met a lot of cool people. some were people i knew before but never got a chance to click with. some were people i never thought i would have a chance with. some were just people i thought were funny (farmer emo kid). least to say, my first year of high school didn't kill me. i can't say that i've changed a drastic amount or anything like that but i have improved in some ways. i've kept a relationship with most of my close friends (exception to those who went to the other high school in town) and i've kept a boyfriend for over six months now. i took some hard classes, some being harder than others with better teachers than others, and i managed to get no lower than a B+ in all of them. so what if i didn't get a 4.0 like some people. i won't graduate valedictorian or be head of my class. however, i am happy with how i performed and i challenged myself to the fullest extent that i could.

not only did i do good as far as academics and friends, i also took a lot of time to figure myself out. i now have a great idea of what i want to do in my future. also, i know my place in high school. i am far from a popular kid. i don't do the whole american eagle, ambercrombie, hollister junk. i never will. at the same time, i don't live at pac sun and hot topic anymore haha. i'm not preppy, i'm not emo, i'm not a hick, i'm not a geek. in fact, i don't think i'm much of anybody. i'm kind of artsy in my own lil way. one day i'll wear something cute, one day will just be tank tops, another will be band tshirts. i still love my skinny jeans. i've picked up on the flip flops thing but i still love vans slip ons and chuck taylors in the fall and winter =]. i'm still who i was before and then some. i've extended myself. i may not be known all throughout the school. i'm not in band and i don't do the school plays like a lot of my friends. but i don't care. i like who i am. i don't need a lot of people to know my name. i don't need a lot of friends who only talk to me because of the clothes i wear. i'm happy with my nobody status as long as i know my friends are true and always there for me.

high school. i can't find any way to describe it besides life changing and i'm only one year thru. i didn't freak out like i thought i was going to and i tried my best to not let the pressure get to me like i know A LOT of kids did. my next three years i know what to expect and i know i'm going to do well no matter how much i worry about grades or fitting in and all that junk. i think i've got a pretty good grip on things.

this year was my first year in a while that i was begging for summer to come. even tho high school was fun and all, it is a lot of pressure and work. this summer i don't have a dumb pushy show choir to worry about. i've got a boyfriend to spend time with and a best friend to catch up with =]. i've also got a huge stack of books waiting to get read and an art portfolio waiting to be created. possibly i'll attempt some photography or work on my tan lol. all i know is i'm gonna relax and take some time for me as well as keeping in touch with people.

high school...

it's been a while

2009-06-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted in forever. been caught up in school. however, there shall be lots to come this summer when i actually have time =] in fact, i kinda look forward to blogging again. it's a nice release.

anywho, i changed the name of my blog to "We Are Always Searching" because in all reality, i do not enjoy killing everyone. just some people. plus, i think that fits my mindset at this moment in time. likewise, i changed my url to http://restisforthedead.blogspot.com/ in case you want to visit me that way.

alas, i shall be on my way again but hopefully not for long. look for me in the next two weeks or so =]

i wanna be an astronaut and get high...

2009-04-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

...break the barrier of sound into the sky...

i'm having trouble grasping the concept of growing up. i still act like a little kid all the time. i don't ever want to let go of being a child. yet, i really want to get older and be free. it's a troubling concept. all i know is that you can't redo things. there are no second chances (unless you believe in magical stuff like that) so you have to live while you can. i really need to stop doing things that i know i'll regret later. i need to do the best that i can and make all my dreams happen. i have no idea why i'm talking about this. it sort of came out of nowhere.

it is the third day that austin has been on his trip to greenbay. he sent me a picture of his friends alex and anthony. haha i'm glad he is having a good time. cept i'm kinda stuck here being bored. i did some work today to earn some money and i plan to do the same tomorrow. yesterday, i volunteered at echo and helped make easter baskets for lil kids. that was nice. i felt good about myself. thursday is going to be the highlight of my break. me and katie are going to chicage =]. friday and saturday are going to be designated to homework. sunday is easter. also, austin comes home on sunday and i am really hoping there is some way we can spend some time together. day 3 of 8.

i really want summer. i know i'm complaining about spring break, but summer is completely different. for one thing, austin hopefully won't be gone all summer. also, it's a lot more time for me to get stuff done that i actually want to do contrary to school shit. i want to try and improve some of my artistic skills. maybe do some photography. take a lot of walks. i have my ideas.

sometimes, i like to imagine that i'm in a different place. a place with all different people, a completely different setting, and sometimes a different me. i seem to imagine these fantasy worlds when life gets tough for me. i guess it's my way of coping. i like to escape and run away. sounds rather crazy though.

*sigh*

...just wanna be free from the confines of gravity

kings of chaos

2009-04-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

today is our four month anniversary =]

i feel terrible for not posting in over a month. i kinda miss this place. it's just, i've been quite busy and to be honest, it is rather enjoyable to be caught up in life instead of on the computer.

i do not have any real news. i've been on the down low. looking into shiz so i can learn how to drive. keeping up with school. staying sane. raising money for the american cancer society [which isn't going too well]. yeah, nothing interesting.

spring break is next week =] only one more day left. i don't have any plans. austin is going to greenbay for the week to spend time with all of his friends. i'm okay with that. he hasn't seen them in a while and he prolly needs a good break from me. i just don't want to be alone. i have plans to get me some money so i can buy a new pair of shoes. otherwise, it's going to be a lot of nothing. ha maybe i'll have some time to blog then. alas, you need interesting things to talk about in order to blog and i have none.

i just realized how much i really like my blog playlist.

there are a few concerts coming up soon. i was really looking forward to going to the AP tour this year, cept we never got tickets and almost all of the shows including milwaukee are sold out or close to it. i don't know where the enthusiasm went for that one. straight out the damn window. my regular concert buddy, well, let's just say i don't know what's up with that either but they don't seem to want to go to anything either. therefore, i don't know. i'm done failing at the explaination of this.

eventually, something fun will happen and i will be right back to my blogging habits. until then, you can find me posting daily on twitter.

show me dark and obscene

2009-03-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

yesterday i went to chicago with my friend jocelyn and her family, my mom, and one of their friends. jocelyn had a dance competition and i got up at 4 o'clock in the morning. we left at six. we ate at this little breakfast cafe in chi-town then we dropped jocelyn off at the hotel where the dance convention was. the rest of us went shopping for pretty much the whole day. then, we went back to the hotel so we could see jocelyn perform. i love going to chicago, but the mall is not the only sight i want to see while i'm there. next time i go, i want to see lake michigan and whatnot. i love lake michigan. it's gorgeous. actually, i had a lot of fun shopping. it was nice to get stuff not because i needed it but because i wanted it. i don't know if any of you have been to the store urban outfitters but omg that shit was amazing. i loved that store so much. they had these amazing headphones, cameras, books (including the bell jar!), scarves, and some extremely expensive clothes. the only thing i could actually afford was this bood called Futureproof by N. Frank Daniels. i cannot wait to read it.

i'm doing relay for life this year and i'm extremely excited. i'm really happy to be helping out people and i want to raise as much money as possible for it. it's gonna be a blast. =]

it's been quite rainy outside these past two days. i do not enjoy that. i really need the sun right now.

today is my grandpa's birthday. birthday's always remind me of how fast time goes by. march 2nd was mine and austin's 3 month anniversary. time with him just seems to go by ten times faster. the faster things go, the more i don't know who/what i am. i really don't.

i like the sun.

Damn You Look Good, And I'm Drunk

2009-03-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

the really big news is that today is mine and austin's three month anniversary =] honestly, i love that boy more and more each day. even tho he didn't buy me tickets to see william control tomorrow >=[ i shall forgive him XD ^_^

in other news, my kitchen remodelling is FINALLY almost done. yay!

it's been such a long time since i've posted and i can't think of much to say

i really want to go shopping. i might be going to chicago this coming weekend. if i do, i am definitely gonna hit up Epic Burger. also, the mall. the only bad thing about this trip is i have nooooo money at all. that sucks balls.

backseat goodbye came to madison, wisconsin last saturday. i was extremely pissed cuz i found out the day of and i was in madison at the same time of his show. life couldn't get any worse. but then i found out it was pre-sold out so i guess that was okay. now, tomorrow william control is coming to milwaukee with some people and they are going to host an after show party at denny's. i so badly want to go but i can't. life just got worse.

things have been going pretty well for me since the last time. i couldn't be more happy. i can't wait for spring =] austin and his mom are planning on moving and they might move closer to me. that means going for walks, going to the park, watching movies, laying in the sun, and spending lots and lots of time together. haha eventually we are gonna get bored with eachother. =]

i think it's the sun. the sun has made things better. now, if only the weather would be a touch warmer. the world would be perfect.

note to self: i need to spend more time with people whose names are NOT austin

pontificating

2009-02-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

valentine's day was yesterday. once again, austin had to be a thousand times nicer than he needs to. the lil lover boy bought me a bouquet of yellow roses and this gargantuan stuffed puppy thats holding a heart that says "be mine". it was adorable. i swear i hugged that boy as tight as i could for like 10 minutes straight. ^_^ haha katie, my dearie, got me a beanie baby giraffe and this cute as hell lil lovely love story with dinosaurs. i love those kids. i was sad tho, because i couldn't buy anyone gifts on account of the fact that my mom's birthday is in a week and i needed to save my money for her. i felt really bad. however, valentine's day was amazing nonetheless.

so, a while ago i was talking about people. well, here's an update. i've had an amazing comeback with zac. seriously, we went from zero to like a thousand all over again. and the same exact day that i wrote that post, i saw annie at the mall and we chatted for a while. it was so nice. alas, the other people continue to get worse. hmhm =/

school angers me in many ways. i don't wish to go into detail tho. it might make me even more angry.

i recently discovered that i am a very jealous person. or shall i say rediscovered. i've always been jealous of other people and the things they have. but, now i'm jealous of other people and the people they have. hm, confusing. i don't wanna say anything the wrong way so i just won't say anymore at all. it's nothing like the way i put it.

haha i watched Demetri Martin's new show on wednesday. damn, i love that boy.

stupid winter just won't go away. it urks me >=/

Proven For A Hidden Cliche

2009-02-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

ah, it's so wonderfully sunny lately. i enjoy watching the sunrise and set each day. it's just amazing.

i went to this resurrection rally this weekend for my church group. i wasn't too excited cuz it was at the Chula Vista in Wisconsin Dells [water park water park water park] and i thought it was going to blow chunks. i didn't exactly enjoy the people i was going with [water park water park] i'm not the most religious [WATER PARK o_O] so yeah. but in all actuality, i had a good time. the food they made for us was delightful. we had the most amazing speaker who really inspired me. i got to know a few new people [there were like over 400 there] and it was a nice vacation. only one thing sucked. fucking water park.

the new semester is treating me pretty well lately. alas, i fucked up in the first week or so. however, i'm doing much to fix that. i haven't gotten too much homework. i'm getting a lil break yet at the same time it's a challenge. i definitely needed a fresh start. i had a bad week so far. but that was cuz of a lot of things just coming down on me all at once. it's like ten times better now. i think i'm doing pretty alright. still need to work on sharing my emotions. i've gotten my focus nearly back on track. the sun is shining =]

all the people i've lost/am losing: zac, annie, alex [from texas], a majority of the TAG kids who aren't specific enuf to have their names mentioned, and last but not least taylor u. all these people are people i haven't talked to in forever or feel as tho the connection is gone. the first three are kids i really really care about. i've tried to keep in touch, but they don't return the favor. alex, we had a great summer. then, the school year started and i'm not sure what happened. it was zac's birthday today. i texted him with a smile and i didn't get a reply. it's honestly nothing new. we've always been like that. i wish for way more tho. annie, i guess i was never really her best friend, but we always had a lot in common. our conversations were easy. we never judged eachother. it was really nice. the TAG kids, to say the least, just aren't around anymore. except my really good friends from there. taylor, oh lil taylor. she seems to be off in her own world now. making her dreams come true. she comes around every once in a while but i feel as tho she only brushes the surface. i long for those sleepovers with the chick flicks and talking about boys =[

highschool...

But You...

2009-01-26T15:28:00.000-08:00

i would like my funeral to have a lot of white lilies in it. they are my favorite flower. so pure and soft and delicate. i also want a lot of white candles for that special effect. i want it to be held in an old catholic church with dark wood benches and those classic stained glass windows depicting scenes from the bible. i think it would be nice to have in the spring [lilies are a spring flower] or in fall. those are definitely my favorite seasons. the most pretty. it would be cool to be buried on a hill. there isn't anyone specific i want to be buried next to. i want all of my closest friends to pick out my epitaph. i want it to mean something special to everyone.

the new semester isn't the best. i got switched outta the best global studies class. i have gym now which isn't all that bad, yet. and i have a new art class. i don't like the art thing at all. it's in a very bland room. there aren't many people. and i don't have my favorite teacher anymore. the only perk is having austin and tai with me. i do like the new semester tho. it's a fresh start. definitely something i needed. i have plans to work hard and stay on track.

speaking of school tho, i didn't do as horrible on my exams as i thought i would. only 2 Bs and one C [on my chemistry exam]. otherwise, i got all As =] it was good news

i cannot wait until summer. i remember when i used to truely enjoy school. now, there are a million places i would rather be. doing things with other people. and all that jazz. i also want the cold weather to go away. i remember when winter and fall were my favorite seasons. now, i'm pining for something a lil warmer. i want to get a job this summer. if i'm not busy enuf with all the plans i've made with austin and my 4-H shizz, i would like to have something to occupy my time. i don't wanna be sitting around letting my mind wander off. that wouldn't be good. plus, i could use the sunshine.

I'm Not A Failure Now

2009-01-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

i hope i'm studying for my exams enuf. i just got done writing the notes for the three exams i have tomorrow. i'm pretty confident about my spanish exam. i enjoy that class so it should be easy. i'm scared shitless about global studies honors. the lil mo fo teacher hardly told us what we needed to study and we aren't allowed to have any form of notes for the test. chemisty should be alright. i have a full sheet of notes to use and i think i can get thru it. that's what i have tomorrow. thursday i have geometry honors and health. i have to fill out my notes for geometry. i'm hoping that's not too bad. health, we can use any sheets that he gave us throughout the year. i should survive those. friday i have art and english. i'm not sure what's on the art test, but i'm fucked for english.

so, i was complaining about my gpa earlier. i thought i could do better and i should have gotten a 4.0 instead of a 3.763. well, i realized this quarter that it's completely my fault. i'm just lazy. i could get an A in art this semester, but i decided to blow off my perspective drawing and not do it. my teacher told me today that since i didn't do that, i am for sure going to get a B. so i screwed myself there. does that mean that i'm not smart? no, not at all. it just means that i have a lot of shit on my mind right now and i'm letting it affect my school. therefore, whatever grades i get this quarter, i can completely blame that on myself. what a good feeling.

i really like sarcasm and sarcastic people

all i can think about right now is school

exams

should i study more?

i think i have it all down

should i be more anxious?

i'm too calm right now

fuck!

you guys, i'm so not hanging on here. there's a lot of shit getting to me. my mood is not right. there were a lot of things today that should have been funny, but i didn't even laugh. what the hell is wrong? i can't imagine what i have to be upset about. nothing new at least. yeah, there's a lot of stuff that happened in the past, but that shouldn't be producing this much of a change right now. i have a lot of things going for me right now: the perfect guy, good friends, smarts. maybe....i have no idea.

Shiver Away, I Thought The Action Was Real

2009-01-16T09:27:00.000-08:00

one of my mom's friends who is like 30 and can't seem to grow up suggested that i should get a Twitter. yesterday, i decided to take her advice. i was curious. http://twitter.com/zealoutry. the suckish thing is that i know absolutely no one on there. well, i do very much so enjoy following backseat goodbye and texing in random things from my phone. but, it would be 10 times cooler if people actually read it. so, i guess that's an open invite folks.

i have officially decided to blame some of my problems on school. i say this because i don't like the atmosphere of that place. people have so much control over you and i feel like it's just one big competition that i just can't compete in anymore. i wanna be able to do the things i wanna do without worrying about how well other people are doing them. i guess...

we had a second "cold" day today, and, since i got most of my homework done yesterday, i'm gonna head over to austin's house today to spend time with the coolest kid in the universe. =]

Tripping Eyes And Flooded Longues

2009-01-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

we are getting our kitchen remoldeled right now. it's the most inconvenient thing in the world, let me tell ya. for about a month, or however long it takes the guy to do it, we can't go about regular kitchen functions like washing dishes, cooking, and whatnot. it kinda sucks. also, he's going to be tearing out the walls and shiz which means it's gonna be super cold in our house and dusty from the drywall. the only good thing is the end result i guess.

mmm so my sick symptoms have gone from sore throat and cough to head congestion and sneezing. i can't decide which is worse; feeling like your throat is bleeding, or feeling like your head is about to explode.

we had another "cold" day today. this is very good for me cuz i totally procrastinated a lot of things and i needed the time to get it done. cept i keep procrastinating right now and i can't concentrate because of my head. i'm getting ticked off.

semester exams are next week. i haven't studied much at all. watch me fail epicly.

i'm trying hard to improve the things that have been bothering me lately. the two main things i need to do: redirect my focus and organize my priorites-start talking to people more because i can't do everything on my own. no matter how much i think i can pull thru without any outside help, it's just ruining me more and more. it just takes time to learn these things.

I Thought I Loved You-It Was Just How You Looked In The Light

2009-01-12T15:14:00.001-08:00

so...
damn what comes after that?
..........

hm let's start with something simple.
my most wonderful and amazing love, austin, ordered me some posters =] lol i was constantly complaining about how i needed an Aiden poster since those guys are gods. so this kid went and ordered me an Aiden poster AND a Gym Class Heroes poster. wow how cool is he? ugh i just don't measure up. i need to give him something in return. like the new The Number 12 Looks Like You cd and the new Drop Dead, Gorgeous cd. =] hopefully that'll be enuf to return the favor. fuck yeah, an Aiden poster is a huge deal.

mmm my problem from my last post isn't completely resolved. however, i've been feeling a lot better lately. in an emotional sense. physically, i'm sick with a sore throat and cough. also, i think i have stomach ulcers. i get stomach aches daily and it's usually a sharp stabbing pain. cept i'm not sure if it's stomach ulcers or something else. cuz there will be times where it doesn't hurt much at all or it only hurts for like an hour a day or not even every day. does it need to be consistent pain in order for it to be stomach ulcers? ugh

i envy any kid who has a good relationship with their parents. me and my dad have just grown apart. he missed the major part of my life so we basically don't know eachother at all. no big deal i guess since i'm getting used to it. one thing i can't get used to is my mom's constant bitching. it's only getting worse. she yells at me for everything. she thinks that just cuz she's an adult means she's always right. she is over controlling and always tries to tell people how they should be living their lives. the yelling never stops. and it sucks. i know it's harsh and everything, but i don't like her at all. not the way she is now. not at all.

oh! and me and katie need to hit up the AP Tour again this year cuz guess whose coming?
3OH!3
Hit The Lights
The Maine
A Rocket To The Moon
and Family Force 5

even tho i only listen to the first three bands, i've heard that the other two are pretty good. so we are going!

Ground Control To Major Tom

2009-01-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

i'm kinda in the middle of a personal crisis right now =/ i don't even know how to explain it in a comprehensible way cuz it doesn't even make sense to myself. basically, i'm just indecisive and right back at lethargic like i was over the summer. like seriously, only a few days ago i was the happiest kid in the universe. now, i don't know what's happening. everything seems to be changing and i don't know how to handle it. all of my self changes are a mystery to me. my point of view. my likes and dislikes. my wants. it's confusing and scary. but, not really. not to a normal person.

i can't seem to get myself together. i'm never happy with what i have. i want exactly the opposite. when i'm alone, i want to be around people. when i'm with people, all i want is some time to myself. when it's cloudy, i want the sun. when it's bright, i want dark. quiet, loud. noisy, silent. the way i feel towards people is different now. i don't know what sort of relationship i want with my dad. i can't make up my mind on how i feel towards my mom. hmhm...

i've also lost my inspiration and motivation...again. i'm supposed to be doing portfolio drawings in art, but i have no idea what i want to draw. i love art and supposedly i have talent. however, that talent is totally useless if i don't know how to make use of it. and i really really really like writing, but i lack subject matter. i always come back to the same old things. i crave something new. not practical or ordinary. strange. divine. this world just doesn't have that and it's bringing me down right now. it's like i've closed my eyes on what i used to see as simple beauty and magnificence. i'm completely lost here.

Reactions Over Resolutions

2009-01-04T07:19:00.000-08:00

mmm so it's the new year and i'm pretty dissapointed in myself. i didn't bother to make any new years resolutions or shit like that. i coulda used to do that also. i have a lot to improve on, but oh well. =/

my new years eve was pretty kickass =] me and katie went over to austins house to hang out with him and his friends. it was a pretty stellar time. lots of yelling, some partial nudity, phonebook ripping and burning, walking in the extreme cold, blanket adventures. i liked it a whole lot ^_^

today is the last day of winter break and i am less than enthused. once we get back to school i have to start studying for semester exams and i think i'm going to do horrible =[ also, i procrastinated on some shit over break which means i'm going to have to haul ass in order to get it done in time. i piss myself off. i wanted to spend a large portion of my break hanging out with people which was cool, but i had a lot of empty space in between that i just wasted and now i'm fucked >=/

i've been feeling sick a lot lately. i get stomach aches pretty much everyday. but i'm too stubborn to go to the doctor cuz i'm scared shitless of hospitals.

i don't know if i've mentioned this already, but i am definitely ready for some spring action. i love winter, i really do, but the gray skies and the constant coldness just got boring to me. i need sun and grass and bright thriving colors. just as long as it isn't too hot =]

so i'm gonna be going with austin pretty soon here to take his posse back home. haha i actually find myself wishing that they lived here. as crazy and loud as they may be, they are some cool kids =] AND I MISS AUSTIN LIKE HELL! so i NEED this trip [=

Today's Not Over If Tomorrow's Still The Word You Use

2008-12-29T09:42:00.001-08:00

winter break has been going pretty okay. could be a tad more exciting or fun, but i can't do much about that.

christmas was nice. i got a few shirts that i really like. a sweatshirt. some random jewelery. a new i pod, which i was not expecting at all. however, my favorite gifts included a cute wind up dinosaur from katie. and a super pretty necklace from austin ^_^ besides all the gifts, it was a usual christmas. i didn't do much all day except go to my grandparents' house and help make dinner. all my aunts and uncles and cousins came over and we just spent some time together. same as every year. i think next year i would like to do something small. no big traditions. no huge dinner. i don't even want it to be all about gifts. i just wanna spend time with all of my favorite people. and i want the sun to be shining =]

i'm pretty excited for new years eve to come. i went with austin and his dad yesterday on a roadtrip. we trucked all the way up to oshkosh to meet austin's friends from greenbay/de pere. haha i'll admit that they are some crazy awesome kids. they made me laugh a lot. me and katie are going to go over to austin's house on new years eve to chillax with him and his friends. it going to be pretty simple and fun. =] i just can't wait to see my two favest people in the universe.
so i can't stand one minute away from this boy. it's pretty obnoxious how much i really love him. he's real. he doesn't try to be someone he's not. he's funny and entertaining. he's way too sweet =] and i have no idea how i got so lucky. honestly. ♥austin belke

i'm in the process of not enjoying either of my parents. my dad just isn't a dad. my mom is too controlling. both of them seem to make decisions based on how happy they are. it's like they have forgotten their kids. my dad still drinks. my mom yells all the time. one step forward, three leaps back.

so, winter break has been pretty okay. in my opinion, i haven't been getting out enuf. but, i blame that on my overcontrolling mother who can't trust me worth shit. it's cool. with the few days that i have left, i still need to get all my shit done for school cuz i like to procrastinate. story of my life. at least it's been sunny the past two days =] it keeps a smile on my face.

So...

2008-12-22T11:49:00.000-08:00

i've lost my luster
i'm running out of interesting things to say
boooooo

mmm so i cannot wait for christmas =]
or new years eve/new years
or tomorrow
or friday

tomorrow i'm going to katie's house to play some wii and whatnot. i miss her to the extreme! but i'm sooooo happy that winter break is here. i get bored with people and things easily so school was seriously starting to piss me off. i thought i was going to burn that shit down if i had to stay another second longer. i really did need a break. so yes, tuesday, cannot wait =]

then christmas! i can't wait to open my presents! haha i made a pretty detailed list this year and i think people got me some nice presents for once this year so i can't wait.

friday! i'm going to go see a movie with austin. there's this one called the spirit [http://mycityscreams.com/] that i think looks really awesome. i'm pumped.

new years! me and katie are going to go to austin's house for a lil get together. he has three of his friends coming down from greenbay/de pere and i'm really excited to meet them but i'm also nervous cuz i think they might find me dorky. haha! i could care less. ugh it's gonna be a blast.

okay okay. backtracking a lil bit. we had a snow day friday and i was ecstatic. it was a really good thing too, because my hair straightener broke that morning and i was about to go into cardiac arrest. so, i made an emergency trip to target and got this really cool hair straightener that is my favorite color of blue =] i had a hard time throwing away my other one tho because it was a really nice hair straightener and i have no idea how it busted. any who, i also got this amazing pair of super yellow sunglasses. haha i wore them today cuz it's really sunny outside. i love target. live savers.

lots of things to look forward to =]

Destination: Setting Sun

2008-12-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

i sometimes wish i didn't steal most of my blog titles from songs. especially when i don't remember what song i stole it from. this one is from a song by The Academy Is... off their newest album. it reminds me of The Matches. if your name is katie biester then i'm sure you're catching my drift.

we had a snow day today =] i can't decide if i enjoy this or not. i really like snow, but not when it's a shitload of snow. plus, this means i can't see austin today [or any of my other friends of course]. however, i get to listen to music all day and catch up on some things like blogging and reading and watching tv. haha cuz i never get a chance to do those things anymore. i swear, i went almost a month without listening to my ipod. that's crazy business.

speaking of austin, me and him are going to see a movie this weekend. our plans still aren't final like about what we are seeing and whatnot. he's such a sweet kid tho. he offered to pick me up and take me home and pay for everything. haha ^_^ alas, my mom is being kinda prudish about the whole thing. she won't let him pick me up and drop me off. she's gonna drop me off at the theater and pick me up when the movie is done. which sucks cuz we wanted to go to the mall afterwards and chill. but she said no to that. she also said no to us hanging out today cuz she doesn't know him enuf and she can't trust me apparently. i'm kinda scared that he might break up with me if my mom is constantly telling me i can't hang out with him. ugh!

i don't but i do understand why PDA bothers a lot of people. yeah, public displays of affection can gross some people out but i've never seen it as such a big deal. honestly, a hug and a kiss or two is nothing to censor. haha maybe it's cuz i participate in PDA. yesterday after school me and austin stood at my locker hugging and whatnot for the longest time. not like we were making out. i wouldn't do that in public. all i'm saying is that people need to stop being so stuck up about things. live a little.

haha this kid makes me happy. no syke. i'm excited for christmas break. on my list of people to spend time with: katie, jocelyn, and austin. i might wanna do something with tai if she wants to do something with me. i haven't hung out with jocelyn in a while. that makes me sad. i love hanging out with katie and i hope she wants me over at her house cuz i plan on going over there either way =] haha i'm just playing. and of course i wanna hang with austin. i'm gonna get him UnderOath's new album [deluxe edition hopefully] for christmas cuz i'm not making it to a hot topic anytime soon and i know he is really into them and doesn't have that cd yet. he asked me what i want but i keep saying he doesn't need to get me anything cuz i always feel awkward when people other than my family give me gifts. idk y. i also need to get jocelyn something but i'm not sure what. hmhm

i have no idea why my art class is so eventful. a few days ago i mentioned to my teacher that i might want to be an art therapist and i guess she is really into that. she showed me her entire display of "art therapy" drawings in the hallway then she did a picture for me and let me work out my problems. i ended up feeling really good after that. and in fact, i managed to work out that problem so i'm really happy. i'm gonna tell her all about it tomorrow if we have school. anyway, so after that tai wanted me to do some art therapy for her so i could get some practice. i did and she and my teacher said it was a very good start. i'm still not sure if that's exactly what i wanna do but at least i know that i've got some support going. i think my art teacher is turning into my favorite teacher. she reminds me of mrs. semrad in some ways minus the strict boundaries.

mmm i've been really happy lately =]

"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem," said the knuckle to the concrete

2008-12-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

art class was a bitch today because my wonderful teacher told me i was doing my self portrait wrong. not like i didn't already know this, but i was hoping she wouldn't point it out. apparently, i'm really good at using lines but now i need to create valuse instead of lines with the charcoal. it's such a freeing experience. i'll feel great once i'm done. lmao idk what i think about that woman.

i got my backseat goodbye shiz came yesterday like i knew it would. i hung up my mini poster and wore my shirt today. =]

i wish i had more to write about but i kinda don't lol
the real highlight of my day was that austin asked me out this morning. =] i was kinda caught off gaurd cuz i didn't think it would happen that fast. but of course i said yes and now i'm really happy. but i did the whole thing where i acted really shy and whatnot around him. i'll fix that =] he's really sweet. he walked me to a lot of my classes and held my hand ^_^ lol and he asked for my number and he's texting me right now. i'm a happy camper you guys.

Someday I Will Wake Up And Realize I Made Up Everything

2008-12-01T14:35:00.000-08:00

Question: how long does it take for someone to recover from an appendectomy?
Answer: approximately a week

that's important shit to know =] so yeah, austin was back at school, for which i was ecstatic. haha it was the usual day. cept when i went with tai and her friend jessie to her 7th hour [so i could visit austin cuz that's his class also] he was totally trying to make conversation. like asking me and tai what we were up to. i guess we were looking kinda suspicious. lol but then when we went to go and leave, this weird kid angel stopped me right by austin and told everyone that i was his best friend. i was just like "ugh i am not your best friend, angel" but yeah so right as i was bumping past austin ^_^ angel told him, "hey, she has a crush on you" and austin was all like, "oh does she?" and i bolted out that door haha! so idk if that was helping or hurting on angel's behalf but that kid is a weirdo. and i never got a chance to tell austin that i missed him while he was gone, but i think that's okay.

also, i ordered my backseat goodbye stuff on friday maybe, so it should be coming any day now. and i ordered my twloha shirt yesterday but it's on back order so i won't get if for a lil under a month. that will be like a late christmas present. but i'm super excited to get my backseat goodbye stuff! =D

in other news, it snowed on sunday and i was very happy about that. except it wasn't sunny outside today so i didn't get to see the snow glisten. everyone wants a snow day but i'm all like "no way" cuz for some odd reason i like going to school =]

Tragedy Bound

2008-11-25T15:14:00.000-08:00

um i don't think i really know exactly what to talk about in this post. well, i'll start off by saying that i ordered all of my backseat goodbye stuff and i hope it comes very soon. also, today was very depressing yet fun at the same time. that's kinda how all of my days are lately. something will be bothering me a whole lot, but then my friends will usually provide some unintentional comic relief and i feel better.

my birthday was sunday and there isn't really anything to report about on that day. however, i'm obnoxiously upset about the fact that i've only been sent one birthday card. that shows how much my family cares. i was previously informed that a majority of them don't even know when my birthday is anyway. lovely.

austin, whom i have spoken of before, wasn't at school today. i was slightly upset by this cuz i hardly get to see him, but i was willing to live thru it. however, i found out in art class that he almost died the night before and had to have an emergency operation to remove his appendix. it's good to know that he is still in the hospital but doing well. i was also willing to live thru that. on the contrary, i realized that i'm not close to him at all and will probably never be. there i go giving up again but it's kinda true. we don't have any classes together and we never actually talk. i also discovered today that he had previously gone out with samantha fucking campbell. that's real nice. so i'm not his type anyway. i really don't think people take me seriously when i say that i like him or when i talk about him. they just dismiss it like some childish crush. oh how wonderful.

also during art class today, as i was being down about my new revelations, my art teacher found it necessary to have a tough love speech with me. i am a very slow worker in that class mostly because i never want to work. i'm always too busy thinking about everything else. she basically told me that i needed to stop looking around and comparing myself to everyone else because i have talent but that talent doesn't matter if i'm not willing to put forth the effort and i will be graded according to that. beautiful beautiful. i wanted to cry. i literally had to take a few seconds to compose myself. she's the kind of teacher that pushes the kids that she sees potential in but everyone else gets to have a free for all and do what they want. in some ways she can be like a mother to me. the tough love thing. and i don't think i've ever had a teacher tell me how good i am at something and tell me not to throw it away. especially at something that i really do want to excel in. she was kinda right. if i don't stop comparing myself to everyone else then i'm going to end up throwing away everything.

it was truly a horrible day for me. that is, until i got to english class and me and katie laughed away the entire hour. she's always the person to put me in a good mood. no psych.

My Smile's An Open Wound Without You

2008-11-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

i think online shopping is really fun for two main reasons. one, you can find exclusive shirts online that are not sold in stores. two, i really like waiting for packages in the mail. it's a nice lil surprise on your doorstep that just makes your day. especially when you don't recieve any other mail. so, since my birthday and christmas are coming up [rather quickly] i'm pretty sure i'm going to be gathering up some extra cash. so far i've gotten $25 for my birthday. the following is what i wish to spend all of my money on [im gonna need about $25 more if i'm gonna make this work] =)

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS:

pick up the phone shirt =] suicide hotline awareness
i completely support this

BACKSEAT GOODBYE:

Hey ♥ i think you're cute would you like to be my new best friend?

perfect Hello Yellow poster

that's it =]

ad astra per aspera

2008-11-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

i'm sorta upset about my grades in school. i didn't go to conferences because no one could take me [which makes me slightly more upset] so i did not receive my reportcard. but i know enuf to see that i didn't get a 4.0 or anything like that. i got a few A-'s and a B which really does upset me cuz i know i could have and i should have done better. i might as well abolish this post's title that i loved so much before because it does not suit me. i get frustrated when things do not come to me easily and it brings me down when i see my friends just flying by everything like it's no work at all.

my friend taylor has kinda been pissing me off lately. she always seems so involved with herself. sometimes she can't even take two seconds to say hi to me when i see her. i can never talk when i'm around her because she's always too busy telling her own stories. and whenever i want to talk to my other friends, she's already talking their ears off. i feel very neglected when that happens. just like i feel neglected when i'm walking with my friends in the hall but they form a line and leave me behind. ugh. however, i seem to really be enjoying my friend tai right now. she's just really easy to talk to and she's really funny. also, she knows what sort of things bother me and what makes me laugh my ass off. i remember in past years we used to butt heads a lot cuz we are both opinionated people, but lately we seem to be putting our thoughts together and that makes up for taylor's ego.

my birthday is this coming sunday. November 23. and honestly, i can't say i'm excited or anything. i already got a majority of my gifts early. my mom made the concert in october my birthday present. my dad gave me money to buy t-shirts at the concert. and my grandparents purchased me a wonderfully expensive [$80] coat. i don't even think my brother has considered buying me a gift yet. but presents don't matter too much to me. i'm kinda happy to be one year older but at the same time it's like another year of my life wasted. where does the time go nowadays?

so that alex kid that i've been talking about lately. the one from my homecoming group. i finally got his number and we have been texting mostly every day. just simple lil conversations. i really like this kid you guys [and apparently his family can't keep a secret cuz dave told him i liked him] but i just don't think anything will come of this. i guess i was wrong in thinking that since his entire family is catholic he is a catholic. i found out that he's not. idk what to think of this like if he's still really religious or not. either way, i am not very religious at all and i don't think he likes swearing much and i do that a lot. plus, he's really into basketball and exercising and dance and i don't do anything. basically, we are sorta two different people and i can't see the forest for the trees. but i'm not going to dwell on the little things and give up. he's still a cool friend. [aw fuck, i just gave up]

it seems like i don't just do anything for fun anymore. i'm always just focusing on school and homework and other shiz. i don't know. so there's this kid at school named austin. lol he's pretty obnoxious and i'm really cool with that. i've never actually held a conversation with him or anything but i still think he's cool. he likes the foo fighters, the devil wears prada, and drop dead, gorgeous. and apparently he wants to be a ninja when he grows up. so i look forward to passing him in the halls a million times before class starts in the morning. and here's the thing, i don't care what anyone else thinks of him. i don't care if people don't see him as anything special or if people don't think he's hot cuz he's hilarious.

Nightmares Are For Dreamers

2008-11-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

dreams come when you're in a very light sleep. when you're not too exhausted so your mind can still function. i guess i've just been far too tired lately, because i haven't dreamt in forever. the last dream i had was about this girl whom i hate with a passion becoming my step-sister and then all of a sudden she was cool. such a shame she couldn't become cool in real life also. never mind. to be frank among the commencement, i want to have a nightmare. for pure adrenaline purposes. i wouldn't call myself an adrenaline junkie or anything severe like that, i just enjoy the thrill. i wish my mind was like a horror movie when i slept. either that or a romance novel. lmao XD i'm trying to be serious here.

the weather outside is pleasing to me now. the sky reminds me of winter the way that it is so white with clouds and the air is thin and chill. yet, the ground reminds me of autumn because it is littered with orange and red leaves that provide a satisfying crunch when your feet stomp them to smithereens. the trees are somewhere in between. a majority of them are bare and bony. however, a few are still sprinkled with tiny, shriveling leaves. i like it. winter hasn't completely taken over. soon though. very soon.

i realized a few days ago that my music taste or preference tends the change along with the seasons. most obviously, this summer i was very into pop/punk/dance whatnot. but now that the skies have darkened, i'm leaning more towards rock/screamo/hardcore. those are horrible examples of the genres i listen to. my favorite way to summarize my music is with one simple word: alternative. but, i had to compare and contrast here. any who, my preference is for dark and dreary and dismal rather than what it was in the summer bright and bouncy and bodacious. i like this change though. not like i'm forgetting my other artists or anything like that. they just aren't on my most played playlist. =]

Wake Up; You're A Drama Queen

2008-11-12T15:17:00.000-08:00

i'm gonna be honest you guys. not much has changed since the last time i posted. i can't really say anything worth while has happened. jeez, how boring is that? very. life is at a standstill. i guess i never said how dodgeball went.

we showed up and we looked pretty dashing for the most part. however, looks could not save us. let's just say we weren't the best team out there. XD but it was still worth it. i had a lot of fun and i laughed a whole lot. i would definitly do it again. except this time, our team should practice before hand.

we have another four day weekend this week. thursday and friday off! i could really use those extra days off. i'm running behind on sleep and i'm sick of going to bed so early. yes, i do consider 10:30pm to be early. midnight is more my speed. i don't think i have very much to do tho besides sleep. i'm pretty sure i'm going to spend the day at the hanus's house on friday. which should be fun. i'm kinda hoping alex isn't busy and is willing to pop by. my luck isn't that stellar. otherwise, i don't think i have plans. that bothers me. i'll be doing a whole lot of nothing.

it just came to my attention that i know a lot of people with the same name. alex is a prime example. and i do recognize that my stories are not as thourough when i am speaking of these people with same names. it may come off as very confusing. i don't really know how to fix that. my friends should get more creative names.

i'm gonna focus a majority of my freetime on reading. that is a goal of mine. i have a lot of books that i want to read and i'm sick of getting into the first chapter and losing interst. i also wanna work on writing a short story a two. granted, the short story will be for my health class at the end of the quater; but i'm trying really hard to come up with something amazing. the last story i wrote for health, i did it in one day. the teacher liked it a lot i guess but i know the amount of effort i put into it. i want something really special that will be phenomenal this time. and i'm not gonna procrastinate.

Phenomenon

2008-11-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

so yesterday was voting day for americans. my support stood with barack obama all the way. i even wore a barack obama pin for two days. well, last night we he brought home the win. barack obama is now the president of the united states. this is a phenomenon and nothing less. we have officially changed history. no way this one will miss the history books. i wish so badly that i was old enuf to vote so i could have taken part in changing this country. alas, i still have another 3 years. the truly amazing thing about obama is that he had more than national support. people all over the world were tuned in with their fingers crossed. people in kenya, europe, and even iraq celebrated when the good news was announced. this is prolly the best thing that could have happened at a time like this. the hardest part for obama will be simply living up to the expectations of the world.

today, our school is holding a dodgeball tournament. me, katie, keegan, zach, kyle, and alex are on a team together. i'm kinda scared cuz i definitly do not have mad skillz when it comes to dodgeball and zach is taking it a lil seriously. oh well. i'm just going to have fun with it.

don't you hate it when someone likes you but you don't like them back and they know that but they still won't stop talking to you? well, i think cj yerke needs to leave me alone. and so does that kevin kid. cuz i don't like either of them. in fact, they slightly creep me out and it's annoying =P

Beatiful Boys On A Beautiful Dancefloor

2008-10-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

i'm really happy because this week was only a three day week in my place of education. it's not often that we get halloween off in this hick ass town. so, i don't have to go to la escuela tomorrow or friday. =] i'm excited for tomorrow. nothing really big is happening. i'm just going on the french feild trip [tho i am not in french] my freind katie invited me to go cuz she can do that ^_^ but they are going to the milwaukee art museum [which i have been to like 3 times but it's fun anyway] and then to a french restauraunt. i really hope i enjoy the food there.

friday is halloween you guys. i'm sure you're all aware of that. i pretty much have zero idea of what to be. well, i kinda do but it's definitly not exciting. i'm prolly gonna end up being a ninja/thug/benji madden [old school ish]/shadow of the night! that last one was to make it sound epic and intersting. fail? yeah, i expected that much. me and katie need to polish up a few more details just to make things clear, but woo!

it was snowing here on monday. just tiny lil flakes. not enuf to measure or to even consider actual snowfall. nontheless, i was not very happy about this. i mean, i really like winter and all, but fall just began and i don't want it to end quite yet. =] it's my favorite season. i love all the seasons, tbqh. i used to hate summer and adore winter. however, i love every single one of them nowadays.

i realized, just now, how i've gone back to being a nobody on here. i remember back in the day when i had just started this thing and i was only getting a few comments. no regular readers except the coolest person in the world [katie]. then, after what seemed like ages, a few people came trickling along. all of the sudden, this blog following trend falls from the sky and i have all these follewers who want to read what i have to say and want to comment. that was nice to have people commenting and whatnot. but now, i guess all those people just got better things to do cuz i'm back to only having one regular viewer. frankly, this doesn't bother me too much, but neither did the "fan club" if i can even call them that.

tonight, i'm going to get William Control's cd. i'm 100% sure that it's going to sound great. =]

lil extra word in here
that cupcake that you gave to me today tasted amazing, katie ^_^

I Don't Know What To Title It

2008-10-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

we had to make a poem for our english class today using subordinating conjunctions. gotta love that grammar, eh? the first four lines in each five line stanza had to begin with one of the subordinating conjunctions but the fifth line could not. there was no specific pattern we had to follow. no rhymes required. no certain beat or rhythm. just poetry. so, here is mine. i guess i just wanted to display it. i don't have a title yet and it's due tomorrow. i really want one so i'll have to come up with something dumb. anyway, here it is =]

When I look up to watch the birds fly,
So high up in the sky,
After I feel a lump grow in my throat,
As I bury my face in my coat,
I feel the warm stream of tears as I cry.

Although I cannot live my dream,
When I think of you, it makes my heart scream,
Because of passion; I am so full of it,
So I shall dig myself out of this depressive pit,
Your love makes my soul beam.

i don't write poetry at all you guys. only when it's by school assignment. however, i do enjoy writing it. i just hope it's good and not shit. *shrugs* =]

You're My Favorite Kind Of Creepy

2008-10-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

said ryland to gabe ^_^

so the sassy back concert was last night =] and omg you guys, i had more fun there than i did at the ap tour. i think it might have been because i was a lil more experienced and i knew what to expect but it was sooooo amazing. i'm gonna start off by talking about the bands since that's what the concert was all about. =]

sing it loud was the first to go on stage. i'm not gonna lie, i don't know any of their music. however, i still enjoyed their set cuz all the guys in the band had so much enthusiasm especially the bassist. their keyboardist was adorable and their lead singer kept pushing the hair from the back of his head forward over his face. i really liked it. they were really getting the crowd into it. hit the lights came on next. their mics and stuff were so friggin loud. you couldn't even hear what they were saying. but their set was still okay. i knew a few of their songs and was able to sing along. forever the sickest kids were the next to hop on board. i was so obnoxiously excited for these guys. it's my second tyme seeing them and ugh it was the greatest. they had all these "new moves" lol and kyle burns's hair was so hilariously awesome. they were so adorable up there. their music was good and i knew all the words. =] now it was tyme for cobra starship. i loved the atmosphere of the place like all the lighting and stage decorations for these guys. they played the best set of the night. gabe said some really good stuff to the crowd. ryland shook his ass for us ^_^ vicky looked great like she always does. even tho i was tired by this point, i still jumped around the most. i especially love it when they came out for an encore and played pleasure ryland and snakes on a plane (bring it). you guys, it was the best. =D

now you wanna hear about the amazing people and the events from the crowd? oh for sure.

so before sing it loud came on, i was really scared we weren't gonna meet any really cool people like we met justin at the ap tour. however, once sing it loud was done, we had been pushed back a bit by all the people and now we were standing by these one kids who kept pushing each other around. one of them had a mohawk and i totally remember thinking "dude that kid has a mohawk. what the hell is he doing here?" lmao XD i guess i have some sort of fascination with mohawks cuz once he was close enuf, i reached out and touched it a few tymes. one of the tymes, his friend sorta caught me in the act so he turned around and fluffed up my hair. i am sooooo grateful that i did that cuz we totally became friends with these guys. we later discovered that mohawk kid's name is evan and his sorta bulky friend's name is jake. they were really nice for a bunch of troublemakers. there were a few other kids hanging around them that kept creating these lil mosh pits. "if you can mosh to the academy is slow down then you can mosh to forever the sickest kids" and that's just what they did for every set. right before forever the sickest kids came on, evan and jake decided to life katie into the air. i was all like woah! so right before cobra starship came on jake lifted me onto his shoulders with the help of evan. i had so much fun up there ^_^ and i guess evan seemed really into me cuz he had his hand on my back the entire tyme i was up in the air. and i noticed a few tymes, that when we were by the mosh pit, if they got a lil out of control, evan [or his friend jake a few tymes] would come stand by us and almost like shield us from them. i remember that gabe from cobra starship gave props to evan for having a mohawk XD. lucky. i didn't wanna leave. i was having so much fun and i wanted to chill with evan some more. but we had to go and i was really sad cuz the only departing i got from evan was a small hug and a lil goodbye. =/ but they were awesome kids anyway.

this concert was definitely better than the ap tour tho. i loved the ap tour and all but this tyme i was experienced and i had a lot of fun actually participating in the crowd the entire tyme and shoving around the kids in the mosh pit. the crowd was also really cool. it was a perfect size and all of the kids were kinda nice. if you wanted to get thru to your friends, they would move for you. and if you dropped something on the ground everyone around you would create a lil circle and there would be a million cell phones and lighters searching around. i would know this cuz at one point, katie's glasses fell off and evan was the one who eventually found them. ^_^ oh and i forgot to mention that we bought t-shirts in between forever the sickest kids and cobra starship. i got a purple hit the lights shirt and a gray cobra starhip shirt cuz i already have a ftsk shirt and i don't own anything by sing it loud. it was truly great you guys. it really was. i wish i could meet evan again. i'm so glad i touched his mohawk =D ah i wanna go back in time and experience again and again and again and....lawl

Open Up Your Eyes, I Wanna Watch You Cry

2008-10-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

t-t-today after lunch, as i was heading towards health class, this kid came up in front of me and stopped me. i'm not kidding when i say he looke like a dumbass. he had a wifebeater on with these baggy pants, droopy eyes, and an ugly ass buzz cut.
"My friend was wondering if you had a boyfriend?" he was holding this bottle of chocolate milk really high in the air and i didn't understand why.
"Um...no"
"Would you wanna go out with him? He's the one over there in the green and white jersey. He's laughing a lot" so i looked toward the direction he was pointing his milk and saw this kid who didn't have a buzzcut but looked retarded anyway. maybe i was just being judgemental but i didn't know these kids and the group of them was acting so [for lack of a better word] dumb.
"No thanks. I'm good"
"He really wants to get to know you better"
"No i don't think so"
"Why?
"Cuz" we had slowly been walking for the earlier portion, but at this point he stopped and i continued on.
before i had gotten out of hearing range i heard the wifebeater yell to his friend
"She said no"
and his friend replyed back with something like
"Well, no duh"
i didn't stick around long enuf to hear if there was more to it

i-i-i didn't know what these kids intentions were. whether the one kid really wanted to know me [he didn't seem like the type to be interested in me] or if they were just bored or desperate for something. *shrugs* there were lots of possibilities running thru my head.

b-b-but the day carried on like a wayward son. after health i went to art. i guess i'm pretty much done with my still life for now. i never told you guys the story of that, did i? i don't feel like it. anyway, i didn't wanna work on my portfolio project so i got out my sketchbook and my i-pod. one thing i like to do when i don't know what to draw is listen to music and pick out interesting song lyrics. i got this one from a cobra starship song. "Open up your eyes, i wanna watch you cry" i hope that's the right thing and i didn't mess it up. i don't even remember what song it's from. so, i started doodling the words and a lil eye to go along with it. my plan was to make a tear coming from the corner and to make lots of eyeliner and mascara smudged all down the page. sorta like the album cover of escape the fate's dying is your latest fashion. hehe =] anyway, when class had finished the teacher came up to me and mentioned something about my drawing. i couldn't really hear what she said cuz tbh, i wasn't paying attention. she may have said something like "i took a picture of your work" or "i really liked your drawing" it sounded like one of the two and it was followed by "because it shows how students are thinking about other things during school besides the usual work. did you write that line?" "no, it's a song lyric" "oh, that's a really good lyric" then the bell rang. i guess i just found that interesting. i enjoy paraphrasing my days like parasuicides. failed attempts i never could forget.

i-i-n spanish class today we got an assignment to create the perfect best friend. we have to tell where they are from and what they are like and whatnot. i could create katie but i dont think i will. =] i considered making a combination of all my best friends but i thought that it would be so amazing that it would explode. so, i decided to make a best guy friend. cuz i don't have one of those and i really want one. i'm really excited about this. it's gonna be so much fun.

a-a-also, i think i failed to mention that the desk conversation in that class is back on. and i almost have an idea of who it might be.
"FML"
"So hard"
"FTW"
"Thats sick"
"Youre sick"
"Thats what he said"
"possibly"
the possibly is what i wanted to discuss. so this kid, zach eicher, if you've read katie's blog you know him. i suspect him for a few reasons. today during geometry he totally siad the word possibly just how i imagined desk writer saying it. also, he's in spanish II and he has the same teacher as me but a different hour. how crazy would that be? lawl

b-b-bringing sassy back tomorrow night =]

Straight Up ~ Epic Fail

2008-10-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

this is my report on homecoming last night =]

the evening began when it was still light outside. me and my brother aaron headed over to our friends' house. friends=katie [not katiesaurus different girl], brianna, brielle, and nettie and her friend niteal. we sat around for a while then did our hair. niteal put a black ribbon in my hair and said my hair was "silky" so nettie came over to feel it. it wasn't awkward at all. then, we got all dolled up and when we came out i had the privilege of meeting some of katie, brianna, and nettie's relatives-alex and evan. they were super cool. to be honest, i sorta thought evan was gay cuz he has that higher voice and lil attitude. *shrugs* but he comes from a really strict catholic family so i don't think so. alex said all the girls looked nice and he was smiling at me the whole time. or maybe i was dreaming.

after that, we headed over to a park/playground to take some pictures. nettie's boyfriend tyler came along and so did her sister debbie. we went on the twirly slide which was kinda chaotic but really fun and we hit the swings. i usually don't like pictures but these were awesome cuz we were doing the oddest of things. =] we eventually made our way to dinner at old country buffet. nettie and tyler went their own way cuz they were going to the clinton homecoming instead of the parker homecoming and debbie went back home. not much to say about dinner except that i really enjoyed talking to evan and alex and everyone thought i was weird for getting a cupcake and only eating the frosting. psh.

night had killed the day and we arrived at parker highschool. the theme of the dance was the dark night. they had the bat signal shining on the school which i thought was really cool but once we got inside i thought the decorations were lame. i was hoping for more drastic stuff. for the first half, i had like zero fun. we only danced a lil bit and i was being sorta shy. i had a slow dance with alex tho and i felt extremely awkward. i'm sure my face was red. katie[saurus] along with taylor, zach, and keagan came about and hour later. i decided to hang with those guys after that. i didn't completely ditch everyone else but ya know. we also saw jocelyn and her sister and a lot of other people. i finally began having fun. it always takes me a long time to warm up to dances. it was amazing tho. zach kept wiping his sweat on me. i thought katie looked really pretty ^_^ and my shoes were killing my feet. we jumped around a lot and i did so much laughing that my abs started to hurt. i had a lot of fun. however, it had to end sometime.

i said all my goodbyes to katie[saurus] taylor, zach and keagan and went home with katie, brianna, brielle, aaron, alex and evan. on the drive home, me and evan discussed my favorite adjectives. i was over joyed about that conversation. i told him i liked the word straight cuz it goes perfectly with up and he said he liked the word epic cuz it sounded great with fail. teehee X]

we got back to katie, brianna and nettie's house and just chilled. i couldn't get comfortable in the seat that i had chosen cuz i'm dumb like that. me and evan discussed what soda we like and dislike. alex and i talked about...i don't really know. we just sorta talked =] there was a lot of laughing and i was sad cuz nobody wanted to watch the fresh prince besides me alex and evan but they both wanted to watch robocop more. i still had a blasty blast.

me and aaron headed back home around 1 am and i was sad cuz i wanted to stay longer. i'm really glad i met alex and evan. i think they're my favoritest people evah. i wanna be like best friends with evan cuz he's that cool. and omg you guys. i think i really like alex. i don't get butterflies for him or increased heart rates but he makes me smile and laugh a lot and all i can think about is how i wanna see him again. i just don't think it'll be that way =/

anyway, it was a spectacular time =] haha hope my story wasn't too long.

We All Get What We're Deserving Of

2008-10-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

oh it makes my lips tingle! the word clusterfuck is a personal fave.

this morning it smelt like worms outside because of the rain we got last night. that scent displeases me >_<

so i should've metioned this earlier. about 8 days ago, but...oops. i really like october. to me, the entire month of october is like one big halloween celebration. once those decorations hit peoples lawns it's like BAM! halloween bitches! so yeah, i pretty much have my own month long celebration going on with that cuz i don't think anyone else actually thinks the same as i do. i'm also like that with the month of december and christmas. it's a jolly good time folks. =]

today, when i arrived in my spanish class i took a look at my desk and it was bare. there was a faint trace of pencil marks in the shape of a milkshake but nothing remained. that damn janitor caught word of the mutilation of school property. so, mutilation is a harsh word for having a desk conversation. anyway, i was sad but what can you do about it cept move on. it was no big deal from the start.

in global studies, i have a really cool teacher. everyone says that mr. conway is way cooler but i think mr. maurman is pretty amazing himself sometimes. the things we rant about in that class...sososo, mr. maurman is gonna be a chaperone at homecoming and while talking about this, he pulled out a huge stack of rulers. they exist still kids! save room for the holy spirit if ya smell what i'm stepping in. =P

speaking of homecoming, it's spirit week this week. monday was rival day so we had to wear gear from the rival highschool in town. tuesday was color war day so all the grades had to wear a certain color. today was superhero day which i loved and hated because some of the kids were hilarious but others were just fucktards. thursday is farmer day cuz our highschool is best known as cow pie high. old nickname. and to finish it off, friday is spirit day so we sposed ta wear school colors. i like this week a lot tho i'm not the biggest participator.

so in the beginning of the year, i had a lot of anxiety and i never could figure out the cause. well, now those feelings have purdy much left my soul [for the most part]. in fact, i've been invaded with some lame lethargy. i don't wanna be all sappy and complain about it. i just could'nt care less about shit. i do it but i don't care why. no real excitement or enthusiasm. just lethargy. it fills the air in my bubble.

one last thing before i go. been speaking of homecoming a lot and i'm extremely bothered that i'm not actually going with someone. i mean i'm going with friends and all but it's not a "someone". i wish i had a date. i wish i actually had a crush on someone. there isn't a single soul roaming around that i feel "feelings" for. no one gives me those butterflies or increased heart rate. i long for those feelings. the good kind of anxiety...=/

Please, Don't Wait For Me Today-Things Will Not Be Different Now

2008-10-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

a small lil note here
i guess i have some stuff to report but i don't really feel as tho it's important
instead, i'm gonna give some thank you's
=]

i just wanted to mention all the people that are following me. i think it's so nice of all you guys. i'm flattered that people enjoy hearing what i have to say. honestly, i never would've imagined that i would be interesting. so yes, i think you guys are all cool =]

but one other thing i need to bring forth. if you're gonna follow me, please comment. a few of you peeps i've never even spoken to! i would like for that to change. just a lil note.

also, check out the blogs that i am following because those people are way cooler than i am. especially chad sugg's blog and keep a breast. i'm a total supporter of both of those blogs and tho there haven't been new posts in a while, i think you should read them anyway. thank ya.

tonight, i'm gonna go shopping for some shoes that match my dress for homecoming. i'm still amazed that it's batman themed. wow.
also, i really liked the football game friday night. the student section was crazy fun. =]